Lights shining brightly. They seem to be coming right at me. There is no where to run, no where to run. I can't move. My legs feel like they are pinned, maybe nailed into the ground. How can that be? Why am I standing here waiting? Waiting for the lights to come closer. Why am I frozen in time? Why don't I fight through this? Why can't I fight through the fear? Why can't I fight through the pain that is holding me down?
Wait, I can. Stop, breathe and release. Breathe deep, breath hard, but not too hard that I loose myself. Not too hard that I can't see what is coming at me, what is staring me down, right in front of me. Release the demons within and take in all that life has to offer.
Life is what you make it. Life is as beautiful as the sun shining so brightly. Life is as beautiful as the seed that blossoms into a flower. Life is the grass that sprouts after a rainfall that takes in the tears of heaven. Life is life. If you are not willing to live it, it will live you.
What does that mean? It means if you allow the negativity to suck the life out of you it will. It will eat you up inside. It will take away the smiles, the joys and all that life has to offer.
I cried. I laughed. I took in my last few years and I re-evaluated who I was, what I was and who I wanted to be. I reminded myself of my life dreams. I remembered what I wanted to accomplish. I remembered where I wanted to be and how I was going to make it happen. I reminded myself that I was born to live. I was born to live and learn. I was going to make mistakes because mistakes would help me grow as a person. Mistakes were going to make me a better person. Mistakes did not make me, yet they helped mold me into the person I was, the person I am at this very moment and the person I would become because of my decision to accept the mistakes, accept the decisions, accept that I was human and if and only if I learned from them I would be a better person. Mistakes did not define me. My decisions did not define me. What did define me as a person what the choices I made based on those decisions. Whether they were the right ones or wrong ones. There could be no regrets. Only self acceptance of who I was.
I was the only one that could determine my happiness. I needed to understand what made me happy. If there were things or situations in life that did not make me happy, I needed to decide if I was going to allow them to define me, or, was I going to define to the world that no one had that much control. I was in control of me. I am in control of me. I am in control of my happiness and I will be damned if I was going to have it any other way.
I am going to sit back, evaluate, smile at what was, smile at what is, and smile at what is to become of Michelle.
I am going to lift my head. I am going to smile. I am going to show the world what they either have the pleasure of being a part of or wish they were a part of. I am going to be the one to walk with my head high and feel that inner peace and say, THANK YOU! Thank you for reminding myself that I am okay. I love myself. I am who I am.
Accept me for who I am. Love me for who I am. If I don't fit into that dress that you think I should fit in, or wear that hair style that you think I should wear, TOO BAD. I am me and I love me. I am me and you are not going to define who I am, what I should be, how I should behave.
BUT, I will let you know I am content and satisfied at the person I look at in the morning. I make a concious effort to walk into my bathroom, straight to the mirror and tell the person I am looking at that I love them. As I look into those eyes I see the man I lay my head with every night kiss me good-bye as he goes to word to support the family and tell me "I love you!" I love you too baby! Thank you for loving me! Thank you for supporting me! Thank you for loving me for all my inperfections! Thank you for believing in me and holding me when I lay in the bed crying and I need the extra push to get up and be strong!
While I am at it, thank you to all those that didn't think I would be where I am. Thank you to all those that did not support me. Thank you to all those that teased me and made me feel like I was nothing when I was younger. Thank you to all those that made me who I was. Your hate was my fuel for a better me. You helped make me a better person.
Stop, you are not that powerful! You are simply my stepping stone to a better Michelle. You are no where near the top of the food chain of those that inspired, loved and fought for me to be successful. You were simply that, fuel. Everyone needs fuel. Let's compare it to food is the fuel for the body. Everybody needs it. It does not make you, it simply provides fuel to the body.
The true nutrients to my survival are those that stood by me regardless of what I was, who I was and the decisions I made. Good or bad. The true nutrients were those that love me unconditionally. Thank you, you allowed me to continue when I once gave up. You were the catalyst I needed to reach that next level of success. You were what I needed at that very moment and no words could ever express my gratitude and love.
Hold me, kiss me and remember I am here. I am back. I have let go. Yes, I write about it, but I write about it to remind me of where I was in that moment. I write to remind myself when I lose myself in the sadness, the tears and sorrow, where I was at that very moment, where I am today and where I want to be. I will remember that, Oh shit, we are here, move on, you are better than that!"
I am growing. I am evolving. I am here right now. Thank you!
