Yes, This is Me - A Hot Damn Mess, BUT at Peace!

We are a little under (2) weeks before my 37^th birthday…and all I can say is oh shit!  I am in a mood of some kind…I am happy, sad, confused, anxious and most importantly, excited!  I am excited because despite all of the obstacles I have endured…the last year is the most free I have felt in a LONG time!  This is the first time in a long time I can truly sit back and say I am focused on me, Michelle Gail Jeanniton-Garrett!  Good or bad, it is all about me!

The funny thing, while I am focused on me, most of my focus this past year, with preparation for the next years has been on my children, my husband…the family.  I am who I am because of the path that I chose, the road I walked…with all of the roadblocks, and bullshit that has been thrown at me.  I am where I am, who I am because of all of that!  And I say, thank you!  You have made me stronger, you have made me who I am because of it!

Anyway…let’s get down to some real business, some real shit, some shit that might burn your eyes, might chase you across the police lines!

I am on a journey to success.  Not sure where this might lead me, but I know exactly where I want to be, when I want to be, and why I want to be!  I am fierce!  I am ready!  I am in position to be the best I can be when it is my time, when I am ready, and how I am ready to execute, my fierceness! ARE YOU READY?  Sucks to be you, because I am ready!  I am ready to accept myself with all my imperfections, with all of my flaws, all of my scars, all of my unwanted “whatever the hell you want to call it today!”  I am ready!
 

Over the last month, I have been cleansing my home…closet by closet, cloth by cloth, memory by memory!  I have been cleansing myself!  I have been cleansing myself of all my should of, could of, would of bullshit excuses!  I have been cleansing myself and damn, watch out, look out, it has unleashed this fierce force to be reckoned with!  Release!  Execute!  Be one with one’s self! 

I am tired, so tired, but today…I have taken a pledge to take one day at a time and accept where I am at this moment, my circumstances are my circumstances…where, why and how I am at this point in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment!

Trust, I am only beginning to develop and grow into the flower that the seed that has been planted on my behalf!  Someone, something knew that I had a purpose.  Someone, something knew, just knew that this one seed was special…call me conceited, call me whatever you want…I am just beginning to grow into my own…watch out, I have yet to showcase what and how I can be what I was meant to be…I have a purpose, except me for who I am, love me for who I am, all of my imperfections…I am me…I am you, just traveled a different road to get to the same place! 

I close my eyes, I take a deep breath, I dream, I smile, I remember the dreams of the child within and I remind her, it is possible, it is simply in your own time.  We all have a purpose, we all have a meaning.  What is YOUR meaning?  DAMN!!!!  That is the question!

I graduated a year early…I am a graduate of no graduation class.  I am a graduation class of my own!  I  will decide where I stand...Class of ’93 or ‘ 94???  Hell I am both….Now I sit back and see where I stand…SHIT, as of (2) days ago, they could not find my transcript!  WTF!!!!

Anyway, as of a month ago, I have decided, I am a nomad….I am without, I am not part of the class of 1993 of 1994, never was accepted or liked…truly loved and liked by either, except by a few.  Hell, truth be told, didn't your parents always remind you that your true friends could be counted on one hand???  Well I know who you all are! - Let's be real, there is a difference of friends and acquaintances, I am a grown ass woman, you are grown ass people, no feelings hurt here!  Remember, "AFRO," "Haitian," "Oreo," "White Girl" and any other fucked up name calling, teasing and constant bullying that was thrown at me on a daily basis???...peace be with all…I will note in my children’s keepsake, I am a graduate of 1993 & 1994….whomever will accept me….

For all my real peeps…peace be with you…you know how to reach me if you so choose…In the benefit of my children…I am out of here!  Hasta luego, hasta la vista, peace be with you!  If you are my true friend, we will continue our true conversations offline!  XOXOXOXO...YES, I AM FUCKED UP!!!  BACK UP, FUCK OFF,. I AM VENTING...SHIT, I AM HUMAN!!!!

Distress Tolerance - Ready? Because I am A Diva!!!

Through all of my ups and downs in life, I often reflect how and why I am where I am at this very moment.  At times these moments seem to sneak up on me without warning.  Other times, I see the crash miles ahead before impact.  I simply choose to ignore the warning signs because I have reached a point of self-destruction and I am ready to fight all the way, knowing too damn well that I have no chance in hell in winning.  Mission, total self-destruction!

The moments of total self-destruct mode are usually foreseeable.  The question is whether I want to be saved or would rather fall at the hands of my own hands of destruction.  So, over the last few weeks, I have been at my lowest.  I have been hurt by deception.  I have been hurt because I have forgotten who was more important and have used so much energy to help others instead of saving myself.  I have lost sight of the prize.  I have forgotten that I cannot change others, but only have the power to change myself, my actions and how I see and deal with things.  I have purposely kept myself busy volunteering and being there for others in order to ignore my own imperfections.  I have refused to deal with my demons.  I have chosen to put myself in situations that could put me in harms way, could destroy me and what I have going for myself.  I have been in full self-destruction mode.  Some have known and have been in the background waiting to catch me if I fall…simply waiting, THANK YOU!  YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL!

So, in this “life changing” moment, I started doing this massive cleaning and re-organization of my household.  Room by room, closet by closet, I decided…”I will get my shit together.”  Over the years whenever I went through this manic overhauling of my home, it usually meant that I was in this deadly down spiral of self-termination.  The goal was always to clean house, organize and make everything transparent for anyone that might have to go through my worldly possessions to help my husband sort through my life.

DON’T WORRY – DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE RIGHT NOW!!!!

The difference?  Why should others not be worried?  Simple!  I am too in love with myself, who I am, where I came from, where I am now and all of the beautiful things in my life…husband, children and family and friends that have accepted me through all my craziness and self-destructive behavior!  Yes, I will accept the title others have given me…I AM A DIVA!  I am too damn important to be rid of too soon.  I have a purpose on this precious earth and you have yet to see the wrath of fiery I have set forth on it.  ALL POSITIVE!  I love change.  I love rebellion.  With rebellion comes a look into ourselves for what needs to change.

Anyhow, part of my fall from grace this past few weeks (my husband and close friends know all too well what the hell I am talking about) has been me re-evaluating where I was, where I have come from, how I got through it, and how I am where I am where I am because of all of it.  I have been of witness to others that suffer from depression and I want to share some distress tolerance tools I learned and have had to re-learn over the last few weeks.  HOPE IT WORKS because like you, I am a work at progress.  NO REGRETS, NO SHAME, NO EMBARRASSMENT!  If you cannot and won’t accept me for who I am, you are NOT WORTHY OF KNOWING ME AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP.  YOUR LOSS, BECAUSE I AM GOING TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF, HOPE YOU ARE WORTHY OF MY FRIENDSHIP AND NOT ONE THAT HAS CAST STONES!!!  WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES!!!

DISTRESS TOLERANCE (learned from YEARS OF INTENSE THERAPY & found in my keepsakes while “re-organizing”)

·         Learning to bare pain effectively

o   Tolerate your emotions

o   ACCEPT

§  Accept your environment as it is without putting demands on it

·         Radical acceptance

·         You can’t change the environment

·         Harping on it can cause misery and sadness

o   To experience your current emotional state without attempting to change it

o   Avoiding feelings can cause it to build up

o   Avoid suppression!

o   Avoid fighting!

o   Tolerate it!

o   The more you avoid the feeling, the more it builds

o   Observe your own thoughts and emotions without attempting to stop the control of them

o   Acceptance of reality DOES NOT EQUAL the approval of reality

o   Emotions and tolerating feelings WILL NOT KILL YOU

o   Acting on emotions and feelings CAN CAUSE HARM

§  BARE THE PAIN!

§  RIDE THE WAVE!

§  ACCEPT THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING – RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!

o   Accepting acceptance DOES NOT approve reality

o   Once you accept reality (the environment) you can then constructively behave and use the skills most beneficial for the new reality.  You are ready to prioritize and problem solve

§  NO – LIFE IS FAIR

§  YES – LIFE IS WHAT IT IS

o   When you feel life is not fair, misery decreases because you don’t take it personally.  Your expectations decrease

o   When you fight an emotion, the emotion wins

o   We all have little control of what is going on in the environment

For all those reading this blog…pass judgment if you so feel necessary.  This was NOT written for you.  It was written for me, for my continued self-therapy and self-growth because I have decided my life is important and I am not ready to rid life of me!  I have the will to live, sometimes and some days it is simply much harder to work past all of my hurt and pain endured for years prior.  I am only in control of myself and your perception, your opinion is not important if you are not a factor in me staying and becoming healthy.  As long as those in my life have accepted me for all my imperfections and are willing to ride the wave with me, I am just fine.  Hope you have been able to take what I have written and use it to help yourself if needed!

XOXOXOXOXOXO