One of those days, one of those moments when life becomes too
much to bare. That moment when all the
fight has left you. That moment when the
light seems to have escaped, darkness filling every corner of the room with no
chance of even a little sunshine peeping through the darkness. One of those
days. One of those moments.
That very moment when everything that seemed to be so wrong
helped lift that feeling of despair.
That very moment when the feeling of hopelessness seemed more like a
thorn in your side that simply needed to be pulled from the root and
released. That moment when your body,
your sole made the subconscious decision to fight the stubbornness within that
wanted to wallow in all the self-pity that overpowered the strong, powerful and
fight that was deep within.
For years that struggle has been who I am. I have long accepted the struggle within. Sometimes the fight is easy. Other times it is a fight for survival. I battle daily, fighting for the strong part
within to win. People think they know
who I am. People think and believe what
they want to believe. Seeing people
suffer is too hard for people to deal with.
It is too difficult and uncomfortable.
For many reasons. Seeing struggle
and pain in others sometimes makes others look at themselves and evaluate their
possible part in that other person’s pain.
Other times, they simply do not know how to help. It is easier to pretend they don’t see the
pain. Then there are others that get it
enough to understand just being real, being a supportive friend is all that is
needed.
I have long stopped asking why me, how, or why did something
happen. I have long accepted that
sometimes things happen and I was not the cause or the blame. while I take responsibility of my part, sometimes shit simply happens and I am not and cannot
be in control of others and their actions.
I can only be in control of how I deal with it. I can only be in control of how I work through
the events or the pain of the aftermath of the chaos that sometimes and often times
catches me dead center of it all. I am
only in control of myself and inhale to take responsibility to make sure I stay
strong enough to help when and if I am needed.
I am far from religious, yet I believe I am a very spiritual
being. Every day when I wake, I pray
that I am strong enough to fight the temptation of defeat. I pray that I will see the light, no matter
how dark my world becomes. Each
situation, each interaction I am faced with, it is my integrity I have until the end that is
my own personal testament to the strength I have deep within. It is not to prove to anyone else but to
myself that I am worthy of another day, another hour, another minute or second
that my life is worth sharing with those that I love and love me. It is my testament, mine, all mine.
Quite a few months ago I was repeatedly told I needed to
find my definition of a “God.” I was
told to think about what would help me become a stronger person. What “God” of mine would help me work through
my own personal journey? It wasn’t until
this weekend that any of what was suggested to me made any sense. What I did
understand was the fact that I was tired of feeling tired. I wanted to be happy. I don’t mean happy on the outside so others
thought I was. I wanted to feel the happiness deep within, deep in my sole. I wanted to laugh so it hurt. I wanted to
smile so hard that it was hard to have any other facial expression. I wanted to experience what my mother told me
when I was younger. “Putting a smile on
your face helps bring joy because it is hard to be sad if you are smiling.”. I truly believed this, no longer words I spoke because it was what others wanted to hear. this time I actually believed the words I spoke. Deep down from my sole. every bone, every muscle in my body felt it and believed it to be true!
For years I always believed I had gotten to a point in my
life where I was okay. I had worked hard and was strong enough to work through
any sadness or disappointments I encountered. Unfortunately, I stopped. I
failed to understand that my entire life would constantly be me reevaluating my
actions, my circumstances and my decisions. I failed to understand that I would
always have to be mindful of what things would set me on a downward spiral of
self-pity. Again, for some reason, reasons I may never know of, I became too
tired to be tired any longer. I became tired of watching others around me
suffer because I was not willing to take care of myself first. The way I had
always taken care of myself is the same way others had or do take care of
themselves. I realized I was no good to anyone else unless I was good to
myself. I needed to show through example, through action. my word was no longer enough!
Sometimes, people and/or circumstances are placed in our
lives, on our paths for a reason. It is not our job to try and figure out why.
It is our responsibility to ourselves to accept it. It is our responsibility to
work through it with passion and integrity. It is my responsibility to know
that I am only given what I can handle. Nothing more and nothing less. I am
only given what I need so I can be stronger and prepared to deal with what comes my way on my
next journey. Life is full of many journeys. The journey I am on at this moment
is definitely not the last one I want to travel and experience!
Every journey is the birth of a new flower. The water is my “God” giving me the strength
that is already within me to weather the storms that are and will come my way. The many storms are my God’s reminders to me
that I have to remember that I have to dig deep and use all of the tools and resources
I have ever been given to make it until the sun shines through the darkness.
With each storm, with each drought my petals and roots only become stronger. I
am, I will be the flower that blooms and fills the flower bed with the
beautiful colors and aromas that bring smiles to others. More importantly, a
flower that brings a true deep seeded smile within me. I am that flower ready to continue on this journey and more to come and experience with gratitude!
