So, I was assigned an assignment from my therapist last
week. Of course today is the day of my
next appointment and I didn’t do it. Of
course I read and re-read the packet repeatedly and just never filled out the
questions. I never put it down on paper,
yet, I went through the questions over and over in my head repeatedly. I just could not get myself to put it down in
writing. It was something that was a lot
harder than I thought it would be. When
I read the questions, it made me realize how much in fear I was living daily
and how I was becoming more reclusive.
Not intentionally, but all in a way to make myself or believe I was
safe.
So, one of the questions was what if I had not experienced
any trauma would I consider my safe place.
My number one safe place would definitely be my home. In my home I am surrounded by my loved
ones. I am surrounded by people that
love me unconditionally. They might not like some of the decisions I make or
some of my actions, but they truly understand who I am, who I was before this
last trauma and what I am capable of being and doing if everything was the way
they were before.
My next safe place would be the places that my children are
present in. I absolutely love
volunteering with them and their activities. I absolutely love being in the
school, other children knowing who I am, what I am about and know I have their
best interest at heart. I absolutely
love knowing that the staff and administrators know I love being able to lend a
helping hand, no matter what the task, I go in full force and with full
passion, giving my all, working with them to make a difference in the lives of
the students in their walls of success in the now and in the future. I want to know that I made a difference in
one of their lives, no matter how little, how big, but some kind of difference.
I guess I always laugh when people ask me what do I like to
enjoy doing for myself. What will I do
when my children leave the house and I no longer have a team to be a team Mom
for, no activities to volunteer for because my children are away at college.
Well, I would hope that I am still doing what I have been doing for the last 18
years. I am good at it, I get pleasure
at helping others and making a difference in other’s lives and making others
smile. Their smile, their appreciation makes me feel good.
Of course I would love to travel once again and get back to
my crocheting and working fiercely on my puzzle skills. I would love to focus on my education and
moving up the ladder at work and showing the skills I have within me. But, I would not let go of my volunteering.
I want to get back to feeling safe in my own home. I would love to get back to walking in my
neighborhood exercising without the fear that that someone will appear without
me knowing or do what he has threatened me with and snatch me up for no one to
know where I have disappeared to. I am
afraid to go anywhere past my front stoop.
I am afraid to be out in public, afraid that he will remember or has
written and kept in his “kit” my personal information. I am afraid to be surprised unexpectedly and
not able to protect myself. I am afraid
that I will freeze up and not be able to protect myself.
I am tired of always looking over my shoulder. I am tired of scanning everywhere I go, looking
at people in detail and not believing that it might be someone working in
cahoots with him, waiting for their chance to take me away from my family. I realize that this is most likely unlikely
to happen. Regardless, with everything
that has happened over the last year and a half, nothing surprises me
anymore. Nothing surprises me
anymore. My life has been a real
lifetime story. So unreal, so unlikely
to happen in real life, but something that has happened. Shocking, unbelievable, but all so true.
I pray and wish not to be judged anymore. There might be no judgement from others, but
my mind does not allow me to believe that.
I feel the eyes on me. I hear the
whispers. I know not what they are
looking at, what they are saying, but it is in my bones, my gut that I am the
one being eyed, talked about, laughed at, judged for what others no not the
entire truth, only the truth they want to believe.
I want to get back to my dancing. I want to get back to finding and searching
for songs that uplift my spirits. I want
to get back to my daily writing. Not
only when I am in distress, or working on an assignment from my therapist. Simply get back to writing that encompasses
the beauty and sunshine in life. Words
of wisdom, words of support and words of determination.
How safe do I feel?
Most of the time, 95% of the time, UNSAFE. I get up and go to work. When I leave work, I am counting down to how
long it will take me to get home. I
absolutely HATE to be in the car. My
windows are not tinted enough, so I fear that he might be following me and will
drive up next to me. I absolutely HATE
to go anywhere, I never know when he might appear. It has happened before. Instead of making a scene, I froze and once
again in another situation I could not get out of, too late, too soon. When I go to work, I do not unless it is an
emergency go to the restroom. I become
very aware of everything, every sound, every movement. No way to live. I want my safe place back again. I want to get back to feeling safe and secure
and believe I have the ability to protect myself or seek help without any worry
of not being able to do just that. I owe
that much to myself. I owe myself the
ability to feel self-empowered.
I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust I love myself enough or like
who I am at this very moment. I know
deep down inside that I will once again love myself, trust myself and believe
in myself, but right now, I don’t. I lean
hard on my husband to hold me up and carry another load to keep me safe. I lean hard on my husband to have enough
strength to keep me strong enough until I am well enough to have the strength
myself. Right now, I just don’t have it.
On a lighter note.
Yesterday after work I did my usual.
I walked into my house, said hello to everyone, congratulated my kids on
their final test for the day and proceeded right to my bed. I wrapped the covers up to me very tight and
went to go to sleep. Of course, no more
than five minutes, my husband comes up to the bed, looks at me and tells me,
“so, you have been doing this same routine for way too long, you are not going
to just lay here for the rest of the night, not again.” I looked at him with my pouting face,
refusing as hard as possible to ignore him and not let him make me budge. That was not happening. Not this night. After he harassed me to do something
different and not allow myself to get in a routine of self-pity, I reluctantly
got out of the bed and went downstairs.
I told my daughter (my middle child) that had been working on a puzzle
that I was struggling to work on that I was about to work on it. Happily, she jumped up and said “yeah.” We went to work on it and boy, what a
night. With the joining of my youngest,
we laughed, tried to sing (at least I did because I CANNOT SING!), and make
jokes all night, even yelling up stuff to “daddy” watching the 1st
playoff game. What a night. A night I was so grateful for. TIRED the next
morning, but grateful. After I called it quits, almost 2 hours past my bedtime,
I stayed up even longer conversing with the Kind of the Castle! WHAT A NIGHT!
So, I feel unsafe most of the time. So, I feel safe when I am surrounded by those
that love me! So, I feel safe when I
allow myself to be me within my home with those I love.
I didn’t complete my homework assignment all the way, or the
“right” way, but, I got a lot of answers answered that will be thought about
more this weekend!
