Today is one of those days when I have the yearning to look at my life from a different pair of eyeglasses.
I look at where I am today, at this moment; physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Honestly, I am drained. The well is running dry. There is little water left to pull up.
Either I have to start digging for another source to replenish my empty soul, or I am making a conscious decision to wither away, alone, only by my choosing.
Today is not that day.
I do not have the right to make the decision to throw in the towel.
I would only be selfish to all those that have helped carry me when I had fallen so deep in in the crevices of the dungeon I hid in.
It was today, just the same as every other day I was blessed to be able to open my eyelids, that I had to decide if I loved myself enough to fight the fight, do the work, and take the steps to just arrive and receive the words, support, and encouragement of others.
Arriving meant I am at least willing.
Arriving and physically being present is saying by action, "I want to be here," "I need to be here," "I am here to receive any and all help you are willing to give me.
Today, this morning, I arrived at where I needed to be.
The circumstances of how I ended up here was my "Baptism By Fire."
Yes, what got me here was brutal pain, hurt, anger, and hopelessness. It was a fire storm that spread wildly and was out of control.
I had to make a decision to either take control of how the fire storm would burn, the direction it would burn, and how I would control how it impacted my life.
But through the fire storm I have fought and continue to fight.
I have been baptized.
My focus has been made so much more clearer.
I have been re-birthed with this fire storm that continues to burn passionately within me.
This firestorm gives me the strength I need to act, to believe, and then to receive everything I am focused on gaining from the ashes once they have burned out.
The other option was not an option. It wanted to engulf me and leave me without any ability of ever being identified, simply because I would have allowed it to disseminate every part of my being.
My experience, my pain, my hurt, and anger is my baptism by fire.
The rebirth of a new and approved me who has finally accepted that I must first love and like myself before I can give that to others or receive it.
MGJG
03/17/2016 @ 4 PM
