For the last two
and a half months I have been walking around feeling sorry for myself,
questioning anything and everything that I perceive as being wrong in my life. I
have those "aha" moments when I wish my arms were long enough to give
myself a nice swift slap across the face. Not one of those fake T.V smacks. The
kind you want to give someone on your last nerve and say "Wake the fuck
up, snap out of it, get over it, get over yourself!" Those moments last
about 2 seconds because I fall right back into self-pity.
Today, no
different than most days, I have been on the computer job searching. I have
been asking myself the same question over and over, "Michelle, what do you
want to be when you grow up?" Reality, once again has set in and I remind
myself that I am an adult, I have responsibilities and I have to make the best
out of my situation because I have people that depend on me. I cannot afford to
wallow in my self-pity and believe that my situation will become better with
some sort of luck. I have to get up, put
my big girl panties on and suck it up! It
is up to me to make my situation better.
I ultimately am the one in control of how my life is going to turn
out. While I am not able to control
others and situations around me, I am able to control how I respond.
I reflect on a
meeting I had with my son’s teachers and guidance counselor yesterday. I called the meeting for the sole purpose of
making sure my son understood he was the only one at this point in his life
that could control how far and how successful he would become. It was simple because he has two choices; allow
the frustrations of the “system” to motivate him to do well so he could put himself
in a situation where he could influence change or, become frustrated, give up
and not believe that he has a purpose to influence change, therefore, be at the
mercy of others who will determine how successful you would become…only because
he had allowed it when he had the most control (doing well in school and
furthering his education). Sixteen years
old, a man in the eyes of the law, he had been given the tools to be
successful. At the end of the day, he
would always have family support, but more importantly, he needed to have
self-motivation to push him to that next level of success.
Last night when
I came home, my son’s father asked him how he was doing? “Why do you have that sour pus face?” My son’s response, “I was having a great day
until Mom came to my school and didn’t say what I needed her to say.” Me being me…I couldn’t help but to
chuckle. It was clear that he missed the
entire point of my visit. So, I broke it
down to him, very raw…Dad joined in and concluded the conversation, just Dad
and Son.
In conclusion, I
am putting forth much effort and will remind myself daily:
I love me, I
love Michelle.
I love the
trials and tribulations from my past because they have made me who I am
today. It is because of those many heartaches,
those many tears I shed, those many times I gave up and almost surrendered my
will to live that has made me as strong as I am today.
There are days I
hurt, there are days I remember, there are days it feels I cannot let go of the
hate.
Then there are
days I wake up and smile. I wake up with
a sense of purpose. Self-motivation,
self-love is oh so present. My sense of
who I am is so evident in my smile, in the glow that radiates off of my being. Those are the days I wake up and embrace all
of my insecurities and repeatedly proclaim I am loved, I have a purpose, I will
be okay because I am only given what I can handle!
