Loving Myself, Liking Myself

There is a difference of laying around and feeling self-pity vs. exhaustion because of an extremely busy schedule.

As tired as I am, I would love to just lay on this damn couch and watch TV, I just have too much going on in my life right now.  Mostly good, but then other crap I have to deal with and work on to get resolved.  Regardless, realizing how much procrastinating I was doing, I realized I needed to get myself up and  get productive so I can have a productive week.  So many things to do, so little time.  If I do what I need to do today, it will make the week that much smoother.

Anyway, I am organizing my schedule and while I am trying to practice mindfulness, I started to feel nostalgic.  Thinking of all things that have gone on with me over the last year and a half.  Some good, some bad.  Funny and thankful though that the thoughts were about the good things this time instead of the bad things, and how those positive things would help uplift my spirit if I allowed them to.

The point of this?  Wondering how much I love myself, like myself and whether I am truly my toughest critic.  Wondering what makes me happy, why I do the things I do and what the hell do I want to do.  

I absolutely love my volunteering activities.  BUT, what am I getting out of it?  I do them because I love to help, I love the positive impact on my children, other children, and the community at-large.  After all, it is what I know.  I grew up in a family that volunteered in the community and schools.  You are what you know.  

Unfortunately things change because of situations that are sometimes out of your control.  I know though that everything happens for a reason.  What I have endured I think is more than just what had happened.  I think the aftermath and the continued effects of it all is my Higher Being forcing me to stop and take care of me.  My Higher Being knows that I needed to take care of Michelle because I was allowing my volunteer activities and busy schedule the opportunity to hide from my feelings, not face the real Michelle, put on a facade so I didn't have to see who I really was, understand who I really was and work on Michelle. 

While craziness and trauma was happening to me, I was able to hide in my volunteering.  I was trying to be in control of my life, be in control of anything and everything I could. BUT, I was so out of control.  I was not in control of anything.  My inability to look at myself and work on myself was more detrimental to me than any good I was doing in the school and community.  AND, how good of a job was I really doing at that point?  Not much?  Especially when it came to taking care of me.  How could I be any good to anyone or anything else if I was no good to myself?

So, yes, I am still going to do some things, but they will be VERY minimal, at an arms length and with evaluation of who and what I am doing it for.  It is time to be selfish to take care of myself and my family.  If it has no direct impact on me and mine, I have to let it go.  That does not mean that I don't care or I am selfish.  It just means that I am being realistic about what I can and cannot due. 

I am no one's superwoman.  I am just like so many other people and have to focus on me and my family.  

Do I love myself?  Do I like myself?  Honestly, not at this time.  I don't hate myself, I just don't like the person I look at in the mirror.  However, I am working on it.  Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.  

One bite at a time, I will peel the layers and learn to love and like myself once again.    I know I am a good person.  I just have to see what others see in myself and that begins with doing the work.  Day by day, all day long, no matter how hard it is to do sometimes.