#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/30/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/30/2016

#Positive - Wonderful #therapy sessions talking about #progress regarding my #spirituality and how I am deciding about working through #forgiveness as it pertains to my #trauma. 
#ProgressNotPerfection

#Inspiration - Watching the #transformations of those around me, especially after hearing their #testimonies.
#OurPastDoesNotDefineWhoWeAre

#Grateful - That I am #willing and #determined and have #support
#BeGratefulForTheLittleThings

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/29/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/29/2016

#Positive - I am learning to use #Snapchat with my girls and it makes me feel young at heart while at the same time a different, sweet connection with my #children #CherishYourTimeWithYourChildren 

#Inspiration - A young lady I had a very #deep conversation with yesterday.  We have a #testimony that allows us this #connection.  One I definitely need at this time in my life while I continue to #heal on my #journey! #GodPutsPeopleInYourLifeAtTheRightTimeRightReason

#Grateful - That I have #strength and #faith to keep moving #forward, continue to have a #positive outlook on my #future, and have the #will to do the #work necessary to #heal

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/28/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/28/2016

#Positive - I began working on my step to #forgive so that I can continue my #trauma #recovery and return home to a #happier, #healthier, and #BetterMichelle. 

#Inspiration - My #husband, my #children, and the rest of my #family and #friends who continuously #support me on this #journey 

#Grateful - That I continue to have a #positive outlook on my #future and have the #will to do the #work necessary to #heal

Art of Forgiveness - First Step

Getting to that point when you are ready to forgive someone that has hurt you so deeply is a gift in itself.  However, for me, this is a process with layers that need to be peeled, one layer at a time.  This vision board is my first layer.  It is going to allow me to dissect each feeling, hurt, and resentment.  

This is a positive step in my journey that will bring me back home as a stronger, happier, and healthier Michelle!

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/27/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/27/2016

#Positive - I am #motivated by my continued #roadblocks to keep moving #forward in my #journey because I realize my #faith is being tested to see if I will simply give up. #MyPassionForChangeIsMyMotivation

#Inspiration - My #husband who is willing to lose everything EXCEPT me if that means this #journey I am on returns me to him #happier, #healthier, and a #BetterMichelle

#Grateful - #Husband, #Children, and others that have shown me through action their support for myself and my family.  #ThankYou

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/25/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/25/2016

#Positive - I am learning that small obstacles I encounter do NOT dictate the outcome.  I must learn to use these to jolt me into action because #AwarenessWithoutActionMeansNothing

#Inspiration - Being witness to the #transformation of others, especially woman, through their personal #testimonies and how they are making #positive #choices to move forward.

#Grateful - #Husband, #Children, and others that have shown me through action their support for myself and my family.  #ThankYou

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/24/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 3/24/2016

#Positive - I have been having #SpiritualAwakenings that have opened my heart and soul to a whole other deeper level of understanding.  Last night's experience which originally caused me fear and confusion ended up being a #testimony that I am definitely having #SpiritualGrowth on my current #Journey in the #RebirthOfMichelle

#Inspiration - Myself and my family and having the #faith to know that our #love and #support for each other is what will get us through this season and onto the next when He feels the time is right.

#Grateful - #MyHusband and #children who never gave up on me and believed me and in me when others abandoned me and proved their true selves.  They held me and breathed life into me until I was able to do for myself.  #ThankYou

Women, We are Powerful Beings

02/03/2016 - 1:15 PM

We are women who are powerful beings.

We have a purpose, yet we have not found what that purpose is.

We entered this world crying fiercely, telling all that could hear us, "I have arrived!"

You have not left us.

You simply took a break for awhile.

Now is the time for you to wake from your rest and remind the world that your presence must not be forgotten.

Ladies, sadly I must tell you, the shackles that are paralyzing your emotions can only be broken if you allow yourself to do the work needed to set yourself free.

Believe enough in yourself that you are capable of being loved and deserve to be loved.

Most importantly, love yourself, love that child within, because if you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to receive the love of others.

Start to look deep within yourself and learn who you are as a person.

What makes you happy?  What makes you smile?  What makes you giggle?  What makes you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts, or you have to pee in your pants?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite food dish?

What is your favorite dessert?

What is your favorite smell?

What do you enjoy doing for fun?
 

All these things are important.

When you are down and feeling blue, we need to be able to go to that one thing that brings us joy.

Have you even taken the time to just be?

I am talking about taking time to be mindful.

Smell the air, look at the clouds, look at the colors surrounding you, listen to the sounds.

Ladies, what I am getting at is the fact that we are stronger than we sometimes give ourselves credit for.
 

We are caretakers.

We are protectors.

We are creators.

We are multi-taskers.

We are compassionate.

We are passionate.

We are strong.

We are willful.

We are powerful beings.

We have a purpose.

When we are at our lowest we need to sometimes humble ourselves, stop being so prideful, and ask for help.

We cannot always do it on our own.

Sometimes when we think we have it all together and are in control, we actually are the most out of control, the most vulnerable...in an unhealthy way.  Only one person has all the control sweetie, and it is NOT YOU!

Asking for help does not mean you are weak.  You will be more respected and received because you asked for help.

Learn to follow your heart and intuition.  You cannot trust everyone.  Not everyone has your best interest at heart.  You know when you get those butterflies in your stomach, or you have been wronged?  GO WITH YOUR GUT!  RUN AND DON'T TURN BACK!  

You are on a path to self discovery and unfortunately everyone does not have the best interest for your.  It is okay, people come and go in our lives for a reason.  Life is full of lessons.

While I am being blunt about trusting your instincts, I will also tell you this.  We must once again learn to trust.  We all need a support system.  We all need that somebody we can put our head on their shoulders and let our tears flow freely, share our deepest and darkest secrets and know they will stay safe.

We all need someone who can call us on our bullshit because we all know we sometimes just want someone that will cosign our bullshit!  

The simple fact  is we do not need a lot of friends.  Our true devoted friends will most likely be those we can count on one hand.  However, we can have fellowships that are filled with many wonderful people that will support us through our trials and tribulations as we continue through our many journeys in our lifetime.

Throughout your journey of finding who you are again, you will begin to peel that onion away, layer by layer.  At times you will feel raw.

Imagine burning your hand with scalding hot water.  The tears would flow like the Falls of Niagara.  But the release of them would feel like the calmness watching the Alvin Ailey Dancers gracefully dancing across the stage.

Breaking the shackles will set us free ladies.  I promise, they will.  We have to feel the pain,, we have to go through the pain, re-live the pain, talk through the pain, all in order to get to the point where the pain is simply a scar that reminds us of a past that once was, but is no more.  A past that once owned us, but no more.

We are women who are powerful beings and are purposeful.  We are a force to be reckoned with, so watch out world because we are here!

You Can't Undestand!

Monday - 05/11/2015

People cannot understand why I can't move on or why I believe he will come back.  No matter what I say or how I try to explain why I think this, others think I am exaggerating or worried for nothing.

Fortunately for them, they did not have this guy hit them, choke them, or threaten them.  They were not forced to drink alcohol with some other substance in it and submit to someone else's will.  They did not have to lay there, not fighting back in fear of what might happen, what might he do.  Fear of the unknown.

I am not sure why I was so afraid to not do as he "required."  This is when the "what if," should of," "if I only would of," comes up.  I do realize intellectually that I cannot allow myself to think that way, but I cannot help but to do so.

I often had wondered if he would have made a copy of one of the tapes or pictures and mailed it to my home  addressed to Spencer.

I often wonder if he would have uploaded it  online.  He had uploaded pictures of me and I had to request the site to take them down.  Who is to say he really deleted the videos or pictures or did not make copies and upload to another site.

I often wonder if he truly told me the entire truths of what happened those times I remember nothing because he made me drink with stuff I know he added, but not quite sure what it was.

I often wonder the time he pulled me into my work bathroom, if I had only screamed, if I had  only fought back, would he had continued to choke me and force me, or, would he had left me in fear of being caught or the police called.

I think that even though each time I met with him was bad, painful, and sad, I felt my lowest, most defeated, most worthless when I agreed to meet him on my birthday.  I didn't want to, but he told me if I did he would leave me alone.  He said he wanted to apologize and prove to me he was sincere and was true to his word.

What a fool I was.  So naive, so damn dumb!  I knew I had to be at my cousins house by a certain time, and I needed to cook a dish to bring.  I explained that to him and told him very clearly that he had only thirty minutes.  I figured he would at least respect that I had to be somewhere.  I was expected to be somewhere and would not risk me missing my engagement or being late.

Within the first few minutes of meeting him, I knew he was playing the same game.  He was not going to leave until he got what he wanted from me.  I was either going to "comply" and "submit" or he was going to force it from me.

After thirty minutes of pleading for him to leave me alone and let me be on my birthday, he made it clear he was going to take it.  Hopefully he would not have to "choke me or hit me" to make me do what I was supposed to do as his "whore."

For about another thirty minutes I continued to refuse, it only made him more upset.  He had enough and force-ably pulled me to the back of my van.  After threatening to tie me up and with his hands on my neck, threatening to choke me, I "promised" I would "submit" and did as I was told.

On my back I laid down.  At this point I remember my legs trembling uncontrollably.  I was so upset.  I felt so dirty and full of shame.  He opened my legs and laid on me and entered me.  At that point I remembered thinking to myself, "why?"  "This is all your fault!"  I took such a deep breath when he entered I thought I would pass out.

"That's right Michelle, submit, you are my whore, just take it like the whore you are."

I pleaded and pleaded for him to stop.  Each thrust deeper and rougher than the one before. The more I pleaded, the worse it became.  At one point I knew I was begging him to stop, but I could no longer hear my voice.  I remember suddenly feeling like I was watching myself in a movie.

All I remember thinking to myself was why.  How could this happen to me on my birthday.  He kept telling me he really cared about me and wanted what was best for me.  He constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and if I would just submit and accept my role, things would be easier for me.  Including accepting the fact that I had to submit to him wherever he wanted. As long as I did not lie and try to make up excuses not to see him, he would work with me.  According to him, it was important for me to be "okay" and act as "normal" as unusual with Spencer because I was in control of everything.  If I "lost it" it would be my decision/my choice/my fault.  I was eventually the one who determined if my life was going to be destroyed.  All I had to do was act normal and simply "submit."

How could something so wrong be right?

How could I pretend that I was in a relationship with someone I knew nothing of, not even their real name?

How could I let him do as he pleased without resisting and be okay with it?

How could I look my husband in his face and lie down to bed with him after letting this man take what he wanted from me?

How could I allow someone to take from me something so sacred and special and only belong rightfully to my husband?

How could I look myself in the mirror and love, accept, and forgive that person?  That person that had continually allowed someone to take advantage of them and finally stopped fighting back?

Why?

Why did I do what I did to get myself in the situation that I was in?

Why did I not trust and believe that we would be fine and my idea of how to make money would not work and was a stupid one?

Why did I not have the strength to fight back and not be afraid?

Why did I allow myself to be hurt over and over again and believe what he was telling me, knowing deep down inside that there might have been a chance that he would not have actually acted on the threats?

Why?