People cannot understand why I can't move on or why I believe he will come back. No matter what I say or how I try to explain why I think this, others think I am exaggerating or worried for nothing.
Fortunately for them, they did not have this guy hit them, choke them, or threaten them. They were not forced to drink alcohol with some other substance in it and submit to someone else's will. They did not have to lay there, not fighting back in fear of what might happen, what might he do. Fear of the unknown.
I am not sure why I was so afraid to not do as he "required." This is when the "what if," should of," "if I only would of," comes up. I do realize intellectually that I cannot allow myself to think that way, but I cannot help but to do so.
I often had wondered if he would have made a copy of one of the tapes or pictures and mailed it to my home addressed to Spencer.
I often wonder if he would have uploaded it online. He had uploaded pictures of me and I had to request the site to take them down. Who is to say he really deleted the videos or pictures or did not make copies and upload to another site.
I often wonder if he truly told me the entire truths of what happened those times I remember nothing because he made me drink with stuff I know he added, but not quite sure what it was.
I often wonder the time he pulled me into my work bathroom, if I had only screamed, if I had only fought back, would he had continued to choke me and force me, or, would he had left me in fear of being caught or the police called.
I think that even though each time I met with him was bad, painful, and sad, I felt my lowest, most defeated, most worthless when I agreed to meet him on my birthday. I didn't want to, but he told me if I did he would leave me alone. He said he wanted to apologize and prove to me he was sincere and was true to his word.
What a fool I was. So naive, so damn dumb! I knew I had to be at my cousins house by a certain time, and I needed to cook a dish to bring. I explained that to him and told him very clearly that he had only thirty minutes. I figured he would at least respect that I had to be somewhere. I was expected to be somewhere and would not risk me missing my engagement or being late.
Within the first few minutes of meeting him, I knew he was playing the same game. He was not going to leave until he got what he wanted from me. I was either going to "comply" and "submit" or he was going to force it from me.
After thirty minutes of pleading for him to leave me alone and let me be on my birthday, he made it clear he was going to take it. Hopefully he would not have to "choke me or hit me" to make me do what I was supposed to do as his "whore."
For about another thirty minutes I continued to refuse, it only made him more upset. He had enough and force-ably pulled me to the back of my van. After threatening to tie me up and with his hands on my neck, threatening to choke me, I "promised" I would "submit" and did as I was told.
On my back I laid down. At this point I remember my legs trembling uncontrollably. I was so upset. I felt so dirty and full of shame. He opened my legs and laid on me and entered me. At that point I remembered thinking to myself, "why?" "This is all your fault!" I took such a deep breath when he entered I thought I would pass out.
"That's right Michelle, submit, you are my whore, just take it like the whore you are."
I pleaded and pleaded for him to stop. Each thrust deeper and rougher than the one before. The more I pleaded, the worse it became. At one point I knew I was begging him to stop, but I could no longer hear my voice. I remember suddenly feeling like I was watching myself in a movie.
All I remember thinking to myself was why. How could this happen to me on my birthday. He kept telling me he really cared about me and wanted what was best for me. He constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and if I would just submit and accept my role, things would be easier for me. Including accepting the fact that I had to submit to him wherever he wanted. As long as I did not lie and try to make up excuses not to see him, he would work with me. According to him, it was important for me to be "okay" and act as "normal" as unusual with Spencer because I was in control of everything. If I "lost it" it would be my decision/my choice/my fault. I was eventually the one who determined if my life was going to be destroyed. All I had to do was act normal and simply "submit."
How could something so wrong be right?
How could I pretend that I was in a relationship with someone I knew nothing of, not even their real name?
How could I let him do as he pleased without resisting and be okay with it?
How could I look my husband in his face and lie down to bed with him after letting this man take what he wanted from me?
How could I allow someone to take from me something so sacred and special and only belong rightfully to my husband?
How could I look myself in the mirror and love, accept, and forgive that person? That person that had continually allowed someone to take advantage of them and finally stopped fighting back?
Why?
Why did I do what I did to get myself in the situation that I was in?
Why did I not trust and believe that we would be fine and my idea of how to make money would not work and was a stupid one?
Why did I not have the strength to fight back and not be afraid?
Why did I allow myself to be hurt over and over again and believe what he was telling me, knowing deep down inside that there might have been a chance that he would not have actually acted on the threats?
Why?
I often had wondered if he would have made a copy of one of the tapes or pictures and mailed it to my home addressed to Spencer.
I often wonder if he would have uploaded it online. He had uploaded pictures of me and I had to request the site to take them down. Who is to say he really deleted the videos or pictures or did not make copies and upload to another site.
I often wonder if he truly told me the entire truths of what happened those times I remember nothing because he made me drink with stuff I know he added, but not quite sure what it was.
I often wonder the time he pulled me into my work bathroom, if I had only screamed, if I had only fought back, would he had continued to choke me and force me, or, would he had left me in fear of being caught or the police called.
I think that even though each time I met with him was bad, painful, and sad, I felt my lowest, most defeated, most worthless when I agreed to meet him on my birthday. I didn't want to, but he told me if I did he would leave me alone. He said he wanted to apologize and prove to me he was sincere and was true to his word.
What a fool I was. So naive, so damn dumb! I knew I had to be at my cousins house by a certain time, and I needed to cook a dish to bring. I explained that to him and told him very clearly that he had only thirty minutes. I figured he would at least respect that I had to be somewhere. I was expected to be somewhere and would not risk me missing my engagement or being late.
Within the first few minutes of meeting him, I knew he was playing the same game. He was not going to leave until he got what he wanted from me. I was either going to "comply" and "submit" or he was going to force it from me.
After thirty minutes of pleading for him to leave me alone and let me be on my birthday, he made it clear he was going to take it. Hopefully he would not have to "choke me or hit me" to make me do what I was supposed to do as his "whore."
For about another thirty minutes I continued to refuse, it only made him more upset. He had enough and force-ably pulled me to the back of my van. After threatening to tie me up and with his hands on my neck, threatening to choke me, I "promised" I would "submit" and did as I was told.
On my back I laid down. At this point I remember my legs trembling uncontrollably. I was so upset. I felt so dirty and full of shame. He opened my legs and laid on me and entered me. At that point I remembered thinking to myself, "why?" "This is all your fault!" I took such a deep breath when he entered I thought I would pass out.
"That's right Michelle, submit, you are my whore, just take it like the whore you are."
I pleaded and pleaded for him to stop. Each thrust deeper and rougher than the one before. The more I pleaded, the worse it became. At one point I knew I was begging him to stop, but I could no longer hear my voice. I remember suddenly feeling like I was watching myself in a movie.
All I remember thinking to myself was why. How could this happen to me on my birthday. He kept telling me he really cared about me and wanted what was best for me. He constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and if I would just submit and accept my role, things would be easier for me. Including accepting the fact that I had to submit to him wherever he wanted. As long as I did not lie and try to make up excuses not to see him, he would work with me. According to him, it was important for me to be "okay" and act as "normal" as unusual with Spencer because I was in control of everything. If I "lost it" it would be my decision/my choice/my fault. I was eventually the one who determined if my life was going to be destroyed. All I had to do was act normal and simply "submit."
How could something so wrong be right?
How could I pretend that I was in a relationship with someone I knew nothing of, not even their real name?
How could I let him do as he pleased without resisting and be okay with it?
How could I look my husband in his face and lie down to bed with him after letting this man take what he wanted from me?
How could I allow someone to take from me something so sacred and special and only belong rightfully to my husband?
How could I look myself in the mirror and love, accept, and forgive that person? That person that had continually allowed someone to take advantage of them and finally stopped fighting back?
Why?
Why did I do what I did to get myself in the situation that I was in?
Why did I not trust and believe that we would be fine and my idea of how to make money would not work and was a stupid one?
Why did I not have the strength to fight back and not be afraid?
Why did I allow myself to be hurt over and over again and believe what he was telling me, knowing deep down inside that there might have been a chance that he would not have actually acted on the threats?
Why?
No comments:
Post a Comment