LOVE LOST? LOVE FORGOTTEN?

How is it that I cannot have that deep passionate love lost for someone that is a part of me?  How is it that I can have love forgotten for someone that is a part of me?  Am I a cold, bitter and angry person? 

No, I am not cold.  While I do hold the taste of bitterness deep within my soul, I have decided the pain of love lost is bittersweet.  I have no choice but to release the anger.  I cannot hold the anger inside of me because it will only hurt me.  It will poison me.  It will only hold me back from experiencing true happiness.  The life I was dealt has helped me become the person I am today.  Despite all of the roadblocks I have come across, I am living a life full of love and happiness.  All of the bitterness and anger I had in me has allowed me to become a stronger person.  No, I am not cold! 

I have experienced true heartbreak, but I have learned to endure all that has come at me full force and used the love lost and forgotten as life lessons.  I can do this because I felt my first heartbreak from someone that is a part of me.  Through this lost, I have found love and know, the love for me is not forgotten.  The love is felt from those that witness it.  There is no mistaking the love that I am receiving because it glows so brightly all over my being.  So no, I am not cold.  I am human.  I have feelings.  I am not cold!

My first heartbreak has allowed me to set expectations for what I want, for what I need!

I WANT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from those whom I surround myself with. 

I WANT TO KNOW I AM LOVED.  I WANT to hear “I love you! “ I WANT to hear “I am proud of you!” 

I WANT TO SHARE MY HAPPINESS with those that WANT to celebrate life with me.

 I WANT TO FEEL.  I WANT to share those feelings with those that WANT to be a part of my life.  I WANT to laugh and cry openly without worry of judgment.

I NEED! 

I NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! 

I NEED TO BE LOVED! 

I NEED TO HEAR “I LOVE YOU!” 

I NEED TO HEAR “I AM PROUD OF YOU!”

I NEED TO FEEL!

My first heartbreak has allowed me to know love is not forgotten!  I cannot want and need love without loving back!

LOVE IS NOT FORGOTTEN!  The one that forgot to love me has allowed me to love freely and abundantly. 

LOVE IS NEVER FORGOTTEN!

LOVE IS DEEP!

LOVE IS FOREVER! 
 

LOVE IS NOT LOST OR FORGOTTEN! 

I HAVE FOUND LOVE FROM THOSE I SURROUND MYSELF WITH!   

I HOLD ONTO THE LOVE I HAVE NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART EVERYDAY, EVERY MOMENT!

I HAVE FOUND LOVE AND I AM LOVED!

LOVE IS NOT LOST OR FORGOTTEN! 

Everything I do I do with a purpose!

As I wake in the morning and start my day, ready for the journey that is ahead of me my heart thumps in anticipation of how I will react to certain individuals or certain situations.  Will I allow my emotions to get the best of me?  Will I show my emotions on my sleeve?  Will I allow my emotions to take control of my actions?  I step back, breathe deep and remember that I am strong and I am focused with a mission to make a difference for myself and my family.  Everything I do I do with a purpose. 

I close my eyes and see my family staring at me with their big beautiful smiles.  I hear them tell me how much they love me.  I feel their hugs and their kisses and I know everything I do I do with a purpose. 

Emotions cannot get the best of me.  I will however use the emotions I carry for my family to make me go into every situation strong and confident.  I have set my goals for myself and my family and that has to be my focus.  Emotions cannot get the best of me because everything I do I do with a purpose.

Let’s not be mistaken - I am dedicated, I am loyal, I am prideful and I am confident!  My self-confidence has grown to new levels over the last few years and I refuse to go backwards!  Again, everything I do I do with a purpose. 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve because I am passionate about everything I do.   I have dreams and I aspire to continue to grow as a person.  I am a role model to my children.  They need to see and understand what I stand for.  I cannot simply preach to them about what I want to see from them and expect from them, I must show them through my actions.  Remember, everything I do I do with a purpose. 

If I seem to be too high on myself, too self-confident or too prideful…that really is not my problem and I will not apologize for it.  However, I will be humble.  I will be graceful.  I will be open to hear other’s advice.  Just know, my children, my family is my priority.  So, if you want to share your life lessons with me please don’t waste your time if you have not been supportive and there for me and mine through the good and the bad times.  When I say supportive, I mean someone who has not done something for me expecting something in return.  I want to continue to surround myself with those that have always accepted me for who I am.  Not talked about me behind my back like high school children.  Been there when I needed someone to cry to, someone I could share my sometimes irrational thoughts with, someone who does not mind telling me the truth and not what I want to hear, even if that means I am going to cry like a young child that dropped their ice cream cone.  Remember, everything I do I do with a purpose.

Everything I do I do for my children.  Everything I do I do for my family.  I will not repeat the same mistakes I have made before.  I have cried endless tears.  I have held my smile deep within my soul.  I have learned and grown from tragedy and triumph.  I am at a place where the tears have finally stopped running down my cheeks or back within my heart broken body because I could not show my sadness to the world.  Make-up alone could not cover the sadness.  My sadness was obvious to those that truly cared for me because the sadness showed right through me.  My eyes showed my sadness.  NOW, my smile has risen from deep within and shines bright through my pretty smile and through my beautiful brown eyes.  I am on a new level of happiness and what a feeling!  Everything I do I do with a purpose!

Happiness

As I drive home from a long day at work, I have nothing but time on my hands.  Time on my hands to reflect on my day, reflect on who I am and my influence on my children, my family and those around me.  I ask myself, over and over again, what are you doing with your life Michelle?  What purpose do you serve?  What makes you happy as a person?  About a month ago, the interesting but very sad part was, I had no idea.

About nine months ago I started going through a hard time.  I felt stuck.  I felt like my life was not moving forward.  I was living day by day and while I know I was working hard in my job, volunteering and participating in the everyday life duties as a wife and mother, I still felt stuck.  I kept myself busy by always being on the run.  I didn’t want to deal with Michelle.  I could deal with anyone and anything, as long as it was not Michelle. 

Over the last month even more drama infested my life.  I am not talking about the drama of family, children, or work, I am talking about the drama of not looking at myself and understanding who I was and what my purpose in life was.  I hit a point where I had to re-evaluate who I was.  I had to answer the questions I ask myself everyday on my way home from work.  It wasn’t until I switched jobs that I started to really smile.  I started to laugh.  I started to once again, figure out what I was going to wear to make people stop and take notice.  What look was I going to sport today?    I enjoyed being me and being with me.  I enjoyed showering my uniqueness and self-confidence to others around me. 

The moment of truth was on the way home from soccer practice with my girls, I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park and my youngest daughter Morgan said, “Mom, I am so glad you are so happy!”  Mouth open wide and in full shock I asked, “what are you talking about, I am always happy?”  My middle child, Tracie simply responded, “no Mom, you weren’t.”  WOW!  All this time, all these months I thought I was masking my feelings well and apparently, I was not.  Interesting enough, the same comment started coming from my colleagues.  Instead of that wow look, my response, “YES I AM HAPPY!”

What am I going to do with my life?  I am going to live it. I am going to smile and make people smile.  My smile is bright and full and I love showing others my happiness!  Happiness is contagious!!

What purpose do you serve?  I am here to inspire others to be the best that they can be.  By being involved with my children, my family and my community, I am showing that we all have a purpose in life.  We have to want to help others.  By helping others you are helping yourself grow as an individual.  You are leaving your stamp in history.  You do not have to set records, you simply have to make a difference in one person’s life.  No matter how little or big, it might change history for one person or for many!  You involve yourself because it is self-fulfilling, NOT because you want to get something out of it!

What makes you happy as a person?  My family.  Knowing that they realize that everything I do, I do for them.  Knowing that everything I have taught my children, they are actually applying it to everyday life.  What makes me happy is knowing I have helped motivate them to be better than I am.  What makes me happy is sharing my happiness.  I want to laugh freely and wear a smile in my eyes.

Everything happens for a reason.  It is not for us to question or understand.  All we need to do is embrace that event and the feelings that come from that moment of change and use it to help us move on as individuals!