How Bad Do I Want This?

11/14/2015 (Saturday) @ 4:28 PM

So, what does all this mean to me?

How bad do I want this?

How bad do I really want this?

I will never be the person I was before I walked through the doors on the evening of October 21, 2015 - 11 PM. 

I do not want to be that person.

She is gone, gone forever!

Making the choice to get the help I needed was not a hard choice. 

It was a choice that I needed to make for myself because I had lost touch with who I was and what I wanted.

I allowed fear to consume my life.

The thought of the what if, should have, and whys was all I call think about.

The need to escape and numb myself was increasing as each day passed.

I would not truly understand for another fourteen days later how important this decision was until someone I really became close to said, "CHANGE I MUST, OR DIE I WILL!"

From the beginning of the trauma I had questioned anything and everything I had known.  The confident Michelle that volunteered, was for the most part outgoing, and very sociable, had become a lost soul.  My faith in just about everyone and everything diminished as I was hurt and violated.  I felt trapped in a situation that was so surreal and sounded more like a Lifetime movie than reality.

The only way I could escape from the vivid flashbacks and nightmares was to gulp some liquor or wine down and fall asleep.  Even if this was not truly the best way to deal with the repeated violations, it was what worked for me.

When it stopped after ten months, it was still not over.  I was left with the aftermath of the storm that had already turned my life and my family's life upside down.  For the majority of the time until about two weeks before I walked through the doors in the next step in my journey, I was able to put on a facade and put onto those outside my home and inner circle the appearance that everything was okay.  Even when I couldn't, I tried my best to cover it all up.  That only would, and only did last for so long because the more control I tried to have, the more out of control I became.

Though I have a loving and supportive family, I thought my death would be better for everyone.  I was trying so hard to be strong, but the truth was, I was not.  Scared of my own shadow, scared to sleep in my own bed, scared to be home alone, scared to be out in public, and worse of all, scared of my own feelings.

No longer enjoying the taste of alcohol, alcohol was my morphine.  It worked just the way I needed it to.  I never experienced cravings or withdrawal.  I never work up and needed it just to function.  It was simply my way to get through the moments when I had to hide from the memories.

Change I must...Feelings never killed anyone.  Not feeling them could definitely kill.

This stop on my journey has been what I needed so bad.  I was too close to crossing that line and becoming an alcoholic.  The stories told in either groups or between others let me know that I was not alone.  Listening to others has taught me where I don't want to be.  So being 100% committed to this stop on my journey is paramount to my recovery.

Die I will...not a doubt for even a second.  If I do not open up, communicate with others, especially my counselor or other staff and be open, honest and raw about what I need in order to get better, I am afraid I will give up on myself.  The truth is I have already given up on myself.  Within a six month time frame I had attempted to take my life three times.  Before October 21st, I knew a fourth attempt would most likely be successful because I was determined to be successful...any means necessary!

So, I ask myself again, Michelle, how bad do you want this?

With all my heart I want to get the help I need.  As much as I want to die, I don't.  I have too many people that love me dearly, support me, and believe in me.

Yes, today I missed the first three groups of the day.  That definitely does not mean that I am not 100% committed to this program or my recovery.  I was simply exhausted.  No different than when I am at home, I tend to focus on others and want to be supportive and help others.  I absolutely love this part of who I am.  At the same time I have to remember I have to be #1.  If I am not healthy and happy and taking care of myself, I will not be good to anyone else.  This cannot happen.

I am at a point where I am truly feeling safe and ready to open up.  This has the be and is my focus until I leave.  One of the #1, and pretty much only goal I have is allowing myself to get open, raw, and real regarding the trauma I suffered while in a safe place so I can sit and deal with my feelings without my medication...alcohol.

My therapist from home believes that if I am able to this enough before I leave, I will be in a better place when I get home.  I would have had experienced feeling my feelings and know that I will be okay.