My Season Has Just Begun

03/10/2016 (Thursday) - 4:51 PM

 

The colors of Spring are making their way back.

Bright colors, full of light, full of energy, full of passion.

The smell of sweet aromas sneaking its way through the blooming flowers.

Branches filling trees with bright green leaves, some with blooming colorful flowers.

 

The sunlight piercing through my window blinds, begging for light to enter my bedroom window.

My eyelids flutter open and I jump out of bed to open my curtains wide and turn my blinds open.

I can feel the sunlight hit my skin and it feels so, so good.

 

While the coffee is brewing I throw on my sundress, brush my teeth and wash my face and pick up my bible.

 

I read my bible verses out loud to my God and ask him for His favor.

I then ask Him to protect my loved ones and continue to provide me strength as I continue my journey for continued mental and spiritual healing and growth.

 

I take my hot coffee and my journal with me and sit on my porch, taking in the fresh morning air of the spring breeze.

Mindfully, for six seconds I take long deep breaths,  holding them in for five seconds, then exhaling for six seconds.

 

All the while conscious of my breaths, the sounds of nature, and how I am feeling.  Just for this moment, this very moment.

 

After I do this repeatedly five times, I am very much at peace.

 

I open up my journal and read to myself my daily affirmations.

I must tell myself things I like about myself.

It is always easier to say what I don't like about myself and that no longer works for me.

I must like and love myself before I can receive love from anyone else or give love to anyone else.

 

Now, it is time to write down my gratitude list.

There is so much to be grateful for.

I have to remind myself of this daily so that I keep it all in perspective and never forget when it becomes too good or too bad.

 

Then, I write down what inspires me to do and continue what I am doing for today.

For me, I am thankful everyday.

Everyday I am alive is another day I have been inspired, and I have to remind myself what has inspired me.

 

So, my season has just begun.

Everyday is a new day.

 

As of today I have not realized the purpose I have for why I am where I am at this very moment, but what I do know is, my purpose has yet to be served, so my season has just begun.

 

 

My Once Is My Now

03/03/2016 (Thursday) @ 4:32 PM

 

Once I was a young Girl Scout selling hundreds of cookies to the neighbors.

Once I dressed up in my uniform proudly marching to the beat of the Girl Scout songs echoing through the crowds for all to hear.

Once I crawled out of my sleeping bag, out of the tent, into the frigid air to the latrines in the woods.

Now, I reminisce while looking at all the photos and remember the memories that fill my heart with love and joy.

 

Once I was pained with staying up all night working hard to complete two high school papers,.

Once I begged and pleaded with my mother and administrator to graduate a year early from high school, just because.

Once I graduated high school before my brother because my name was first.

Now, I realize how stubborn I was, but so glad I set my mind to be different and accomplish something that set the stage for future students to be something ordinary,

 

Once I took care of anyone that needed help or everything that needed to be done.

Once I baked cakes and brownies for every holiday, every year, for each one of my children's classes for their birthdays for every year until we moved to North Carolina.

Once I cooked breakfast for kids that showed up at my door before school, no questions asked.

Now, I ask myself what can I do to take care of myself.

 

Once I did not fight back.

Once I was afraid.

Once I was lost and became hopeless.

Now I have been found with the help of divine intervention.

 

I have learned to be grateful and open up my heart to the unknown and understand that while I might not have an answer today, my God has a purpose for me.

 

In time, not my time.

His time, my purpose will be revealed and I must be ready by hearing His words spoken to me though other people, my prayers, and my writings.

 

My once is my now.

 

 

Numb...Already Prepared

02/25/2016 (Thursday) @ 4:34 PM

 

The door opens.

I already know what is to come.

My mind has already been prepared.

My body has already been prepared.

Heart rate finally relaxed.

No other choice, don't want to have a panic attack.

 

What the hell,

I don't want to talk.

Stop the bullshit.

Take what you want and get the fuck out of my face.

I can only get my mind to pretend for so long.

 

Why am I not answering you?

Because you are a demon, you are evil.

You disgust me.

You make my body crawl.

I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me just at the sight of you.

 

No alcohol tonight.

What don't you get or understand that I don't like to drink and then have to drive home?

That shit you put into it knocks me out and I remember nothing.

 

Quickly I am numb to my feelings.

Nothing matters at this moment.

My mind is empty and my heart is heavy as if there are a ton of bricks laying on my chest.

 

My legs open as if on auto play.

My head turns and I look to the wall, my mid blank because I feel like nothing because I feel like I am nothing.

 

As he pulls my arms up above my head I feel the coldness of something hard placed in my hand as he closes his grip.

It's his gun.

His reminder to me of who is in control.

 

I close my eyes.

They are heavy.

I try to think of a place far away that is beautiful and safe.

 

The thrust are too much to bare and I lose focus.

 

The whispers in my ear, constant with forced responses keep me in the present.

 

As I respond I want to crawl out of my skin, rip away at my skin.

 

When it is all over, I get dressed.

He kisses me and reminds me I am his girlfriend and such a good submissive whore...and until next time.

 

As bedtimes comes, I pretend all is well to the family.

Flashbacks constant.

Tears held back.

I can't wait to curl up on the couch under the covers.

 

I pour the alcohol.

I can finally escape and numb out somewhere safe.

Alcohol, my medication, but my demon.

Alcohol, you will be my death, you are part of my suicide plan.

Alcohol, my demise.

 

 

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 05/16/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 05/16/2016

#Positive - I have started a new season and have returned back home after being away for six months.  I have had moments of spiritual and mental growth that have provided me with the necessary tools to prepare me for my continued journey.  While I am very nervous, I am full of excitement and proud of the accomplishments I have made in my healing thus far.  I had a focus, a goal and I feel I was successful in achieving those.  Now I must use what I have learned and put them into action with the support I am so blessed to have in my life.
Most importantly, I am alive!!!

#NewSeason #HomeSweetHome #Accomplishment #Goals #Focus #Mindfulness #Meditation #Spirituality #Prayer
 

I almost let go, but he was not ready to take me...
 

#Inspiration - My family always being by my side and seeing me through this journey through my good and bad days.  Pushing me to continue moving forward when I wanted to give up.  My family believing in me and never losing hope.  My family loving me when I did not love myself enough.  My family respecting that I needed time and still need time to heal and willing to work with me through this process that can sometimes be painful for not just me, but for them also.  Love my family!!

#FamilyFirst #Support #Understanding #WorkingTogetherAsAFamilyUnit
 

#Grateful - For family. For my treatment family.  For my ladies that became my family, loved me, and supported me.  For Divine Intervention.  For new opportunities.  For a Spiritual Awakening.  For His Mercy and Grace.  For Surrendering to His Will.  For Life.  For Faith.  For my New Season!

#DivineIntervention #Family #NewOpportunities #HisMercyAndGrace #SurrenderingToHisWill

I Rise!

My serenity/prayer area I had set up for myself which I will now re-do here in my own home!

 

 

I Rise!

I rise!

From the depths of the Earth, I rise.

Not ready to give up.

He, not ready for me to give up.

I rise!

Each shallow breath I took, He breathed life back into me.

With each thought of begging Him To take me out of my misery, He held me closer, He held me tighter.

I was ready to get go, but he refused to allow me.

I rise!

He spoke to me.

Through each tear, through each shallow breath, through each prayer begging him to let me go, He spoke to me.

He told me, His plan for me was not done.

He told me, be still, trust Him, He would not leave me through my darkest hours.

I simply needed to be patient, be still, and listen to His word.

I was on the verge of a breakthrough.

My darkest hour was my preparation for the next season set upon my path.

I needed to travel this path to be open to receive the blessings He already knew me to receive.

I needed to surrender to His will, not mine.

I rise!

Through my grave I so carefully designed, the light crept through the darkness.

My body, so frigid and so still begin to soften upon the pillow of His grace beneath me.

The warmth of His tender arms held me tightly as He lifted me through the dirt and into the garden blossoming in full color and aroma of matured growth.

I rise!

I could feel His presence.

I could hear His continued whispers telling me to fight, fight hard, fight harder.

Through His mercy, through His love for me, I fought.  I fought hard to open my eyelids wide.

As if a storm had risen from my limbs, from deep in my soul, He breathed deep into me, as if to inflate to Holy Spirit within.

I rise!

I wasn't sure why, but I knew it was time.

It was time for me to rise up, start fighting back, and take my power back.

It was time to deal with my real, my truth, my hurt, my pain, my fears.

It was time for me to live the life I was chosen to live.

It was time for me to learn to work through the path I was on and decide if I wanted to continue on it and allow my God to guide me according to His will.

It was time to surrender.  Surrender my will to His.

My way was no longer working, it was time for others to take care of me and for me to allow it.

It was time to be an active participation in my trauma recovery.

I already knew too well what it felt like to give up, why not experience fighting for my life and happiness once again.

I rise!

It was time to take a leap of faith.

I surrendered and through divine intervention I began my new season filled with the goal and focus on healing from my trauma.

For six months I would experience a journey of growth, spiritual awakening, faith, inner-strength, self-acceptance, self-love, self-respect, the will to survive, overcome, fight to take my power back, and find my voice.

I rise!

For six months, twenty-four hours a day, I worked my recovery program.

I was clear what my treatment goals were.

I dug my heals in the ground and I defined who I was, who I am.

I refused to allow others to dictate who and what I was.  They knew not my story, the road I traveled.

If they were genuinely curious, I was open to share my story.

If my story of survival and the desire to fight for my happiness, safety, and serenity could provide another with hope, I was willing to share.

My pain, my hurt could possibly be the one thing someone needed to hear, needed to relate to in order to allow them to also surrender and trust again.

I was ready to open myself up, feel my feelings again, get deep, real, and raw.

I rise!

I felt safe again.

I started to trust again.

I started to allow myself to dig a little deeper.

I started to once again allow myself to channel my pain and feel creatively.

I rise!

I learned to be still.

I learned to listen.

I learned to hear Him speak to me through others.

I had a spiritual awakening I had not ever dreamed of experiencing.

And how empowering, how beautiful, how amazing that feeling was and continues to be.

My God, My God, yes, MY GOD highly favors me and keeps me wrapped so tenderly in His mercy and grace.

I rise!

This season has come to an end.

How bittersweet, yet so inspirational and motivating.

That pain I experienced at the end hurt so bad, so damn bad.

Not what I thought I would encounter...hurt, sadness, loss of trust, not at the end of something that had been so beautiful and refreshing in my life.

Through strength, belief, and faith, I embraced the positive, I embraced my gratefulness.

Through that pain I was jolted into forcible realization of coming to terms with my feelings.

Through the disappointment, I was reminded that this season was over and I was definitely ready and prepared to begin a new one. 

Refreshed and understanding this realization...

I rise!

As this season ends and my new one begins, I prepare myself to be open.

I hear His words and I listen.

I listen with an openness that captivates my every sense of self.

I hear His words.

"Michelle my dear, thank those that caused you pain.  Thank them and thank them grounded in my comfort and everything I have already gifted you.  You are my child, a child of God.  I do not give you more than you can handle as I know because I created you in my vision for My plan for you!"

I rise!

I rise as a child of God.

I rise embracing the hurt and judgment of others.

I rise because I became empowered with those naysayers.

I rise because change was needed, inevitable, and I was ready.

I rise because change needed to be forced so I could begin my next season. 

I was ready, just didn't know it. 

Change had to be forced, it was needed to be forced.

I rise!

I rise!

I am Michelle, a child of God.

I hold my head up high, defining who I am, proud I know who Michelle is.

I wise with dignity and integrity.

I rise, consistently and passionately facing my fears, feeling my feelings, and willing to feel the tears I still pray to come to cleanse me of the shame, fear, pain, dirtiness, self-hate, and self-blame that still lives within my soul.

I rise because I am compassionate, loving, strong, safe, powerful, a survivor, an overcomer, and worthy of living, with happiness.

I am a conqueror through triumph over my willingness to surrender to God's will.

I rise!

I rise because God held me close to him when I gave up on myself!

I rise because God was not ready to take me home!

I rise ready to begin my next season going into battle!

I rise with my soldiers surrounding me though their support, testimonies, and belief that I am worthy to be alive!

I rise reminding myself I am in control of deciding who and what I will allow to be in my life, and anything and anyone toxic are not worthy to be a part of my life, my happiness, and success!

I rise because I want to live and I am ready to serve my God and follow His plan that was a blueprint since my conception!

I rise because giving up, living in fear, and death is no longer an option!.

I rise as a child of God and my new season has just begun!

I rise because I understand I need only to look to my God for approval and not to man.  With this change, disappointment and hopelessness will begin to wither and my sense of self will help make me more confident as I continue on my journey!

I rise!

Yes, I rise!

A Moment of Clarity

02/18/2016 (Thursday) - 4:14 PM

It began with a moment of clarity,

A moment when I realized I had to make a conscious decision whether I wanted to live or die, fight back or surrender.

The countdown had begun and I had made my decision.  Everyone would be better without my presence in their lives.

However, He had a different plan for me.

The heavens were not ready to receive me yet.

I was not ready to go home to my final resting place yet.

My new season was just ready to begin.

The light from the moon shined through the window blinds, shining as if leading a path for me to be found by his Prophets.

I laid on my bed, ready to be baptized with the Holy Spirit.

I did not fully understand why, but I felt with all my heart and soul the presence of His Spirit within me, ready to be released into me.

There was this sensation deep within me that knew that there was a purpose for me.

My life, my journey I had traveled and was still traveling was a testimony for others.

My story, my journey had a purpose. 

Not quite sure why, but I knew it did.

My testimony was a part of the tide that merged with other tides, full of many testimonies that would become a beautiful wave deep in the ocean, building up higher and stronger until it reached the coast lines and beach fronts for all to see, becoming an angelic picture to frame in the memories of our dreams.

When our testimony is shared, our dreams of healing helps to heal others.  Our pain will be salvaged for the good of many lost souls looking for the same inner-peace.

The heavens were not ready to receive me yet.

I was not ready to go home to my final resting place yet.

My new season was just ready to begin.

Dreams

02/12/2016 (Friday) - 10:37 AM

Dreams.

Only in my dreams do I believe anything is possible achieving.

I forget though.

My dreams are my God reminding me that I have a purpose.

He speaks to me in my dreams.

When He is is ready to do His will, those dreams will come to light.

I simply need to wait, listen, to be still, and patient.

Anxiety, self-doubt, and lack of faith will blur my vision.

When His plan unfolds for me, I need to be ready to accept His guidance for the path He chooses for me to follow, therefore allowing me to fulfill my dreams.

When I begin to wallow in my self-pity and not believe that my dreams are worth pursuing, I need to be still, pray, and listen.

In His timing, not mine, my dreams will come to fruition.

My dreams are my God reminding me that I have a purpose.

My dreams are my God planting the seeds in the garden He has provided me.

As I lay in my bed in the morning, waiting to wake for another day of many unknowns, I remind myself that I have a garden that is very well seeded.

My job is to graciously accept His gift of my garden; till, sow, and fertilize it with all my heart and soul.

In His time, and only His time, my garden will bloom.

That is when I will see the blessings I have been gifted through my dreams.

Negative Thoughts Destroy Our Self-Worth & Souls

Tuesday, 02/09/2016 @ 10:15 AM

We have lived a past with a lot of pain and hurt.

This has unfortunately paralyzed and stunted us mentally.

We have held onto all of these negative thoughts that we have heard repeatedly, and have come to believe them.

"Nobody wants you"
"You're a disgrace"
"You're a bitch"
"You're a whore"
"You're an embarrassment to our family"
"You're pathetic"
"You're are nothing but a whore"
"You're are here to be my whore bitch girlfriend"
"You're trash"
"You're worthless"
"You're a liar"
"You're fat"
"You're lazy"
"You're ugly"
"Everyone hates you"
"You won't amount to anything"
"Give up already"

Ladies, it is time for us to retrain our minds to see the positive attributes we possess.

We are beautiful and powerful beings with a purpose.

Hold your head up high.

Walk the road our Father has chosen for us to follow and we will find our purpose and be okay.

We have a purpose and our past does NOT define us!

Everyday, find five positive attributes and at least one thing to be grateful for.  It helps lift your spirits!

Why?  We are beautiful and powerful beings with a purpose!