Did you ever?

Did you ever wake up from what you thought was a bad dream and thank God it was not true?

Did you ever open your eyes from an event that happened in your life and thank God it was not true?

There are many days when we wake up from a dream or stop day dreaming and we realize in that moment it was true, it was not a dream.  It was something that happened, something that was real and we did not have the power to turn back time. There are many days when we realize that something did happen and we have to move on.  Not forget, simply move on.  

We have to move on to the next step.  We have to continue on the road that has been paved for us because of our own actions, because of the actions of others.  We have to move onto the next step, no matter how questionable it is, no matter how painful it is, we must move on!

This is not to say we cannot mourn the possible losses we might have suffered.  Whether these losses were lost of life, lost of love of lost of a part of ones self.  We simply have to continue on our journey for the pursuit of happiness.  The pursuit of the next big thing in our lives.  We must continue to take in all life has to offer and accept it is is what we make it.

We must learn the tools to guide us in the direction of happiness.  The direction of self-fulfillment.  What makes us human?  It is the power to feel, to love, to make conscious decisions that will enable us to fulfill our own destiny.   We must not accept what life has been handed to us. We must make our lives the best thing that ever happened. 

We have been given the gift to understand the world and what it has to offer. We have been given the gift to learn from our mistakes and make the next step the best one one for us.  Not to please others.  Not to make others happy.  Only to make the next steps we take the best for us as a person.

How will you live your life so that you are happy with who you are, what you have become and where you want to be?  Live your life everyday as if it is your last.  But most importantly, live your life with ambition and gratitude for what it has given you.  Understand you are where you are right now in this very moment because it is where you are supposed to be.  

Stop asking the why, what if, should of questions. Instead, ask what can I do to make it better the next time, next step better?  What can I do to bring me to the next level of success and self-fulfillment?  Ask yourself, "what will make me happy?"  "What will bring tears of joy to me?"  "What will make me feel complete?"

Remind yourself that you are the only one that can make you happy.  You must love yourself and feel complete as a person first before you can expect others to give a care.  Remember, you must demand respect.  This cannot be done if you don't respect who you are as a person and accept that you yourself has imperfections and it is okay.  

Go ahead and wake up from that bad dream or the event you have just been involved in and THANK GOD for allowing you this opportunity for self growth!  

YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE IN THIS VERY MOMENT BECAUSE IT IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT NOW!

Reflection Of Who I Am

Reflection of who I am as I stare into my mirror.

Reflecting on the person I am looking at in my mirror.

Reflecting on all I have gone through, good and bad.

Reflecting on the choices I have made over the years.

As I look into the mirror, I step back and ask myself,

“Why are you trying to figure out why you are the person you are today?”

“Have you not accepted the person you are?”

“Have you not yet realized you are the person you are supposed to be?”

I remind myself while looking into my own eyes and say,

“You are the person that you are because of everything you have gone through!”

“You are right where you should be, good or bad, you are right where you should be at this very moment in time!”

“Do not allow others to judge you!”

“Do not allow others to determine your happiness!”

“Embrace the life you live and enjoy every day of it, every hour of it, every minute of it, every second!”

“You are here for a reason!”

“You have a purpose and you need to find out for yourself what it is!”

Funny how I remind my children of this all the time, but fail to follow my own advice.  I step back away from the mirror so I can see Michelle.  I want to see every inch of this woman that wakes up every day searching for her purpose in life.  I take a deep breath, and tell myself to smile. 

I tell myself,

“You have to love yourself before anyone else can!”

“You have to believe in yourself before anyone else can!”

“You have to determine your own self-worth!  NO ONE can or should decide this for you!”

“Once you do this, you will be able to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.  You are able to reap the benefits of being a mother, being a wife, being Michelle!”

“Love yourself and who you are at this very moment because this is when everything falls into place.”

I write these blogs to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and I have to allow myself to make mistakes, make decisions that sometimes are not the best and sometimes are, laugh and cry.  I write for myself.  It is me reflecting on who I am and who I want to be as a person.  I have to remind myself that I have to live each day as if it could be the last.  I must have no regrets because I am who I am and where I should be at this very moment.  I don’t need to like where I am at this very moment, but I need to accept it!  It is okay to reflect on your past experiences, but do not allow it to hinder your growth, allow it to take you to the next level of your own self-determined success.

Reflecting has allowed me to grow and I am so thankful!  I am able to see what is really important to me, what should be important and I will continue to remember this as I close my eyes for the night and again when I open my eyes in the morning.

Reflecting brings me inner peace, self-acceptance and an appreciation of the life I have lived and continue to live each day.  Reflecting allows me to continue on the path of happiness.  The path of happiness is a journey that I will continue to embrace.  Reflecting to give me that positive energy and the fight to continue in a direction that allows me to define my own happiness!

I Need to Scream! I Need to Cry Hard! I Need a Release!

Heart pounding!

Head pounding!

The pressure building up in my eyes is unbearable because there is nothing else I want but to let the tears roll down from my eyelids, to my cheeks, down my neck.  I need to feel the tears.  I need to release the frustration that is so deep within me it brings constant pain throughout my body.

I need to scream!  I need to scream so hard that my voice can be heard from every corner of the building.  I need my scream to be felt by others.  I need my scream to sound exactly how I feel.

I need to cry hard!  My cry needs to rupture from deep within my body, my soul.  I am talking about deep sobbing.  I am talking about the crying and sobbing that makes your body shake.  The crying and sobbing that makes you lose your breath and begin hyperventilating. 

I need a release!   I need a moment to sit back and take in all of my emotions.  I need to check my emotions and think about what is really bothering me.  I need to understand what I want out of life.  I need to figure out what makes ME happy. 

As I sit there looking at this Man that loves me so, I feel the warmth fill throughout my body.  Can you imagine no physical contact, only simple conversation needed to feel this way?  I knew the moment I sent that text that said I wanted to meet for lunch; he would understand exactly what I needed at that very moment! 

The moment he appeared at the doorway I no longer needed to scream!  I no longer needed to cry!  I know longer needed a release!  I simply needed to be reminded that I was just fine.  I had everything I needed, my family.  I am surrounded by those that love me for me, respect me, understand me, demand that I always put forth my best, but most importantly, encourage me and support me, NO MATTER WHAT!  Looking into his eyes, he reminded me that I was exactly who I was supposed to be.  Nothing more, nothing less! 

Every moment we grow on a personal level.  For me, I have not reached my “aha” moment.  NOT EVEN CLOSE!  Most of my frustrations are from always wanting more, always wanting to be better and reach that next level of success.  Not for anyone else, but for myself.  However, I must always remind myself:

• I must first accept myself for who I am before I expect anyone else to. 
• I am the only one that can determine my happiness.
• Prioritize and understand, FAMILY FIRST!  NO ONE is going to worry about what  you need to do for your family and with your family.  They are only thinking about what you can do for them.  FAMILY FIRST!
• Take care of Michelle!  If I cannot take care of myself, how do I expect to be there to take care of my family (my 12 year old reminded me of this when I wasn’t feeling well)?
• Sometimes change has to be forced.  Embrace it!  Own it!  Change does not have to be negative!
• Love hard because love is real and love is powerful and my home is full of love!

LOVE YOURSELF!  RESPECT YOURSELF AND DEMAND IT FROM THOSE YOU CHOOSE TO KEEP IN YOUR COMPANY (PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL). Until you do this, you bring nothing to the table.  You will not gain the respect of anyone unless you give it and demand it in return.

I DO NOT NEED TO SCREAM!

I NEED TO LAUGH!  Sometimes the sound of laughter is all that is needed when you reach the level of frustration. 

I DO NOT NEED TO CRY HARD!

I NEED TO SMILE!  When I smile, there always seem to be a sense of suspense.  “Why are you always smiling?”  “No reason other than I am blessed, confident in who I am, what I want and where I want to go!”  Sometimes the tears might need to come out, but I will be the one who determines when and where that needs to happen!

I need a release!

YES I DO NEED A RELEASEI Everyone needs time they can let go all of the negativity that sometimes invades our body and souls.  I need to simply find creative ways to release the demons that sometimes try to overpower my mind. 

SMILE ON MY FACE!

EYES BRIGHT & CHEERY!

HEART FLUTTERING BECAUSE OF HAPPINESS AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE!

He Is My Man!!!

One week before Thanksgiving, Spencer Garrett sent me a page.  I called back and said yes to having a "date."  Thanksgiving Day, my mother, Gail comes out of no where with a broom and threatens him that he better take care of me....with my Aunt Annie and Aunt Raetta, they threaten him and tell him that he better treat me good. 


I go to his car, he opens the door for me like a gentleman and in return I lean over and unlock his door (Bronx Tale).  This is  a moment of truth for My Man.


On January 18th I give birth to a son who is his father's twin.  I had made up my mind...I did not want to marry just because it was the "right thing to do,"  I wanted to marry when I knew in my heart he loved me for me and nothing else.  On January 18,1997 we both blurt out, "let's get married."  I knew it was real!


On April 18, 1997, I married my Knight and Shining Armor!  The man that protected me and would do anything and everything for me!  I married the man that proved he loved me for me, loved me for the person I was and NOT for the person others wanted me to be.  I married Spencer Garrett.  He has sacrificed and done nothing but love ME.  He has completed my circle of success, my circle of endless love of self.  He has helped me grow as a wife, a mother, as a person.


I am so lucky to have found love.  I am so lucky my children have a father that is strong, confident and loves me and them for who they are and for who I am.  I am lucky I have found someone to help complete me and will stick by me no matter how many times I may fall.  He is the one that demands I get up and fight the demons that sometimes haunt me.  He is the one I cry to, laugh with and go to to when I need to just feel loved.  He is the one and I AM SO BLESSED!  I love you.  This is the first 15 years, but despite not wanting to get old, you are stuck with me for the rest of our time on Earth!  Not because we have to be, but because we want to be!  I love you for giving me a reason to go on when I thought I did not want to!  I love you for fighting for me, when I had no more fight in me!  I love you for loving me with all my imperfections!  I love you for being my Knight and Shining!  I love you for being a true man that understands priorities and knows your family is your priority!


Thank you for sharing your life with me and being there as a husband and father!  I LOVE YOU BIG PAPA, CHOCOLATE THUNDER!  I LOVE YOU SPENCER R. GARRETT!!

LOVE LOST? LOVE FORGOTTEN?

How is it that I cannot have that deep passionate love lost for someone that is a part of me?  How is it that I can have love forgotten for someone that is a part of me?  Am I a cold, bitter and angry person? 

No, I am not cold.  While I do hold the taste of bitterness deep within my soul, I have decided the pain of love lost is bittersweet.  I have no choice but to release the anger.  I cannot hold the anger inside of me because it will only hurt me.  It will poison me.  It will only hold me back from experiencing true happiness.  The life I was dealt has helped me become the person I am today.  Despite all of the roadblocks I have come across, I am living a life full of love and happiness.  All of the bitterness and anger I had in me has allowed me to become a stronger person.  No, I am not cold! 

I have experienced true heartbreak, but I have learned to endure all that has come at me full force and used the love lost and forgotten as life lessons.  I can do this because I felt my first heartbreak from someone that is a part of me.  Through this lost, I have found love and know, the love for me is not forgotten.  The love is felt from those that witness it.  There is no mistaking the love that I am receiving because it glows so brightly all over my being.  So no, I am not cold.  I am human.  I have feelings.  I am not cold!

My first heartbreak has allowed me to set expectations for what I want, for what I need!

I WANT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from those whom I surround myself with. 

I WANT TO KNOW I AM LOVED.  I WANT to hear “I love you! “ I WANT to hear “I am proud of you!” 

I WANT TO SHARE MY HAPPINESS with those that WANT to celebrate life with me.

 I WANT TO FEEL.  I WANT to share those feelings with those that WANT to be a part of my life.  I WANT to laugh and cry openly without worry of judgment.

I NEED! 

I NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! 

I NEED TO BE LOVED! 

I NEED TO HEAR “I LOVE YOU!” 

I NEED TO HEAR “I AM PROUD OF YOU!”

I NEED TO FEEL!

My first heartbreak has allowed me to know love is not forgotten!  I cannot want and need love without loving back!

LOVE IS NOT FORGOTTEN!  The one that forgot to love me has allowed me to love freely and abundantly. 

LOVE IS NEVER FORGOTTEN!

LOVE IS DEEP!

LOVE IS FOREVER! 
 

LOVE IS NOT LOST OR FORGOTTEN! 

I HAVE FOUND LOVE FROM THOSE I SURROUND MYSELF WITH!   

I HOLD ONTO THE LOVE I HAVE NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART EVERYDAY, EVERY MOMENT!

I HAVE FOUND LOVE AND I AM LOVED!

LOVE IS NOT LOST OR FORGOTTEN! 

Everything I do I do with a purpose!

As I wake in the morning and start my day, ready for the journey that is ahead of me my heart thumps in anticipation of how I will react to certain individuals or certain situations.  Will I allow my emotions to get the best of me?  Will I show my emotions on my sleeve?  Will I allow my emotions to take control of my actions?  I step back, breathe deep and remember that I am strong and I am focused with a mission to make a difference for myself and my family.  Everything I do I do with a purpose. 

I close my eyes and see my family staring at me with their big beautiful smiles.  I hear them tell me how much they love me.  I feel their hugs and their kisses and I know everything I do I do with a purpose. 

Emotions cannot get the best of me.  I will however use the emotions I carry for my family to make me go into every situation strong and confident.  I have set my goals for myself and my family and that has to be my focus.  Emotions cannot get the best of me because everything I do I do with a purpose.

Let’s not be mistaken - I am dedicated, I am loyal, I am prideful and I am confident!  My self-confidence has grown to new levels over the last few years and I refuse to go backwards!  Again, everything I do I do with a purpose. 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve because I am passionate about everything I do.   I have dreams and I aspire to continue to grow as a person.  I am a role model to my children.  They need to see and understand what I stand for.  I cannot simply preach to them about what I want to see from them and expect from them, I must show them through my actions.  Remember, everything I do I do with a purpose. 

If I seem to be too high on myself, too self-confident or too prideful…that really is not my problem and I will not apologize for it.  However, I will be humble.  I will be graceful.  I will be open to hear other’s advice.  Just know, my children, my family is my priority.  So, if you want to share your life lessons with me please don’t waste your time if you have not been supportive and there for me and mine through the good and the bad times.  When I say supportive, I mean someone who has not done something for me expecting something in return.  I want to continue to surround myself with those that have always accepted me for who I am.  Not talked about me behind my back like high school children.  Been there when I needed someone to cry to, someone I could share my sometimes irrational thoughts with, someone who does not mind telling me the truth and not what I want to hear, even if that means I am going to cry like a young child that dropped their ice cream cone.  Remember, everything I do I do with a purpose.

Everything I do I do for my children.  Everything I do I do for my family.  I will not repeat the same mistakes I have made before.  I have cried endless tears.  I have held my smile deep within my soul.  I have learned and grown from tragedy and triumph.  I am at a place where the tears have finally stopped running down my cheeks or back within my heart broken body because I could not show my sadness to the world.  Make-up alone could not cover the sadness.  My sadness was obvious to those that truly cared for me because the sadness showed right through me.  My eyes showed my sadness.  NOW, my smile has risen from deep within and shines bright through my pretty smile and through my beautiful brown eyes.  I am on a new level of happiness and what a feeling!  Everything I do I do with a purpose!

Happiness

As I drive home from a long day at work, I have nothing but time on my hands.  Time on my hands to reflect on my day, reflect on who I am and my influence on my children, my family and those around me.  I ask myself, over and over again, what are you doing with your life Michelle?  What purpose do you serve?  What makes you happy as a person?  About a month ago, the interesting but very sad part was, I had no idea.

About nine months ago I started going through a hard time.  I felt stuck.  I felt like my life was not moving forward.  I was living day by day and while I know I was working hard in my job, volunteering and participating in the everyday life duties as a wife and mother, I still felt stuck.  I kept myself busy by always being on the run.  I didn’t want to deal with Michelle.  I could deal with anyone and anything, as long as it was not Michelle. 

Over the last month even more drama infested my life.  I am not talking about the drama of family, children, or work, I am talking about the drama of not looking at myself and understanding who I was and what my purpose in life was.  I hit a point where I had to re-evaluate who I was.  I had to answer the questions I ask myself everyday on my way home from work.  It wasn’t until I switched jobs that I started to really smile.  I started to laugh.  I started to once again, figure out what I was going to wear to make people stop and take notice.  What look was I going to sport today?    I enjoyed being me and being with me.  I enjoyed showering my uniqueness and self-confidence to others around me. 

The moment of truth was on the way home from soccer practice with my girls, I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park and my youngest daughter Morgan said, “Mom, I am so glad you are so happy!”  Mouth open wide and in full shock I asked, “what are you talking about, I am always happy?”  My middle child, Tracie simply responded, “no Mom, you weren’t.”  WOW!  All this time, all these months I thought I was masking my feelings well and apparently, I was not.  Interesting enough, the same comment started coming from my colleagues.  Instead of that wow look, my response, “YES I AM HAPPY!”

What am I going to do with my life?  I am going to live it. I am going to smile and make people smile.  My smile is bright and full and I love showing others my happiness!  Happiness is contagious!!

What purpose do you serve?  I am here to inspire others to be the best that they can be.  By being involved with my children, my family and my community, I am showing that we all have a purpose in life.  We have to want to help others.  By helping others you are helping yourself grow as an individual.  You are leaving your stamp in history.  You do not have to set records, you simply have to make a difference in one person’s life.  No matter how little or big, it might change history for one person or for many!  You involve yourself because it is self-fulfilling, NOT because you want to get something out of it!

What makes you happy as a person?  My family.  Knowing that they realize that everything I do, I do for them.  Knowing that everything I have taught my children, they are actually applying it to everyday life.  What makes me happy is knowing I have helped motivate them to be better than I am.  What makes me happy is sharing my happiness.  I want to laugh freely and wear a smile in my eyes.

Everything happens for a reason.  It is not for us to question or understand.  All we need to do is embrace that event and the feelings that come from that moment of change and use it to help us move on as individuals!