Today I Survived!!

I have bad days, but I also have my good days.  When I have those good days, it is a breath of fresh air.  When I have bad days, it is a 10 on the earthquake Richter scale.  I compare my impulses to those of aftershocks that are not only unpredictable, but possibly can result in a tsunami if I do not take the necessary steps needed to ground myself with my toolkit I keep readily available.  Unfortunately, the toolkit becomes meaningless if I have not practiced mindfulness activities to help lower my stress levels.

When I have my bad days, it is so difficult to ask for help.  I have lost hope a long time ago that asking for help or being honest with how I am feeling will be met with compassion rather than swift response that usually results in over- zealous or lack of understanding (or attempt to understand) what I am going through.  Instead, I hold onto the invasive memories I wish to disappear permanently from my memory.  I hold onto the secrets that I am too embarrassed to share.  Why share them now when it has only made life harder for me?  I get tired of the looks of confusion when I tell my story.   I get tired of the questions that follow me sharing an event that has happened.  I get tired of the judgement.  I judge myself the harshest, I don’t need help in that area of my life.  I question my choices.  I don’t need help in that area of my life.  I am confused at my own story.  I don’t need help in that area of my life.  I need compassion.  I need understanding. 

When I have my bad days, I hear him, I feel him, I smell him.   Then I remember, it is no longer just him.  These days I am angry at myself.  I hate myself with a passion.  I want to destroy the person I am, the person I have become, the person that I see in the mirror.  I want to hide.  I want to punish myself.  I want to have the control and be my own punisher.  I want to at least have that power and control.  Nothing else matters but the force of self-destruction that has engulfed my every being.   Nothing good in my life matters.  Nothing is strong enough to make me feel like I deserve any good in my life.  When I have my bad days, he is in control.  I didn’t listen.  I was not strong enough.  I chose to not accept my life as he had chosen, therefore, I am the reason why it is unraveling uncontrollably.  I have lost control and no longer in control.

Then there are the days when I have accepted what has happened, what is happening, or what is to happen.  These are the days I remind myself to be strong and focus on my goals.  These are the days I remind myself of all the wonderful things I am grateful for.  These are the days that bring me a sense of peace and serenity.  These are the days I realize that even though there is chaos and hurt I am dealing with, I am still in a better place than I could be in if I continuously give up on myself.  These are the days that help be feel the fresh air against my face, pounding the sidewalks fiercely and with a purpose.  These are the days when I know my life will get better.

My good days are so beautiful and refreshing.  They are filled with moments of laughter and smiles.  They are filled with happy tears when I am showering and dressing myself with an attitude reminding myself that I am strong, I am loved, and I am a survivor.  These are the days when I don’t feel like my past or current situation has control of me.  These are the days when I easily remind the adult me to care for my inner child and remind her how much she is loved.  My good days are so beautiful and refreshing.

Then it happens, again.  It happens and once again, I have bad days.  I stay isolated, I don’t want people to see my shame.  I don’t shower.  Undressing becomes unbearable.  If I manage to force myself in the shower, I am covered in red scratches all over.  My focus becomes scrubbing the dirtiness from my skin and within.  The shower never feels better because the red scratches reminds me that I can never ever be clean.  The pills become my savior.  The alcohol will make me forget.  I can close my eyes and black out.  All the while praying that someone will save me and know that I am hurting.  Then, at the same time, praying that I can escape the pain and end it all.  No one wants to hear it.  There is no help, there is no understanding.  Only questions and judgement.

Then as usual, I come out of my self-pity stupor and I work towards having good days.  There are a few people who have not yet tired of helping me.  So, I rely on them to build myself up and become strong again.  I finally cry and able to admit the truth.  I finally tell someone and able to release the poison from my body and mind.  I then am able to feel better and begin to at least begin to work towards better days.  I am finally not willing to give up on myself, my opportunities, and all the things that I have not yet experienced.  I am finally able to leave my room and shower without emotional paralysis.  I am finally seeing the brightness from the outside and willing to feel the air brush against my skin.

Slowly, I begin to experience good days, and yes, they are so beautiful and refreshing.  I hear my laughter and feel my facial muscles form into smiles.  I feel so grateful that my tears are filled with happiness.  I start to look forward to choosing my outfits for the day and putting make-up on.  I am once again feeling strong, loved and a survivor, not a victim.  These good days, I feel in control and my inner child is once again feeling validated and understood.  These good days are beautiful and refreshing!

10/25/2018

MGJG

How To Know When To Step In and Out

                           

 

Over the last few days I have been in a very dark place.  I gratefully have had enough strength to fight through impulses and simply been “still.”  That sometimes meant napping, “watching” TV, playing computer games, or “studying.”  Anything to decrease flashbacks and the overwhelming feelings associated with them.

I have had to remind myself that I teach people how to treat me.  So, when others do things intentionally, or not to hurt me, I cannot reward their behavior.  It is hard to do something different, but that is a better feeling than to feel unappreciated, unloved and not respected.  I have to re-teach those closest to me how I should be treated.  I deserve that.

I am making life decisions that others are not comfortable with.  Whether it is due to my past behavior, or their expectations of my role, it is time I truly focus on myself.  All aspects of who I am.  I need to learn who I am, what I enjoy, what makes me happy, what I need, and who I want to be now, and the person I want to grow into to be a better me.  I need to treat myself the way I want others to treat me.

Of course, this is uncomfortable and scary, But, they are just feelings.  I can get through this new season.  It is time to trust myself, believe in myself and love myself to know I am worthy.  It is necessary!

With self-growth comes apprehension.  But I am ready to remove my cocoon and develop my wings and grow into a strong, confident, and fearless butterfly.

I am ready!

MGJG 

06/02/2018 – 10:53 AM

Invisible

One, two, three, four, five, pills…swallow

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten pills…swallow

Wine taste so smooth, numbness welcomed

Drink up, swallow all, there are many more to take.

Now is not the time to turn back.

The pain, too much to bare.

Memories, clouding my thoughts

Not all memories, just the memories of a time I cannot accept,

A time in my life when I was lost to myself, to the world.

My life, a nightmare.

Me, invisible to the rest of the world

Cries never heard

Alone, scared, begging for it to all be over

Death was not an option,

Death was the only option,

A death by my own hands was the only acceptable kind,

Death by his hands, I could not fathom.

No one saw me,

No one saw the pain in my eyes,

Those that did, did they?

They never said, “I see your pain in your eyes.”

No one questioned,

Just passed judgement,

Just talked behind my back,

I was invisible, invisible to the world

I was alone and I became too tired.

No more will to fight,

No more will to continue praying.

No more will as there was not enough self-love left in me.

One, two, three, four, five, pills…swallow

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten pills…swallow

Wine taste so smooth, numbness welcomed

Drink up, swallow all, there are many more to take.

Now is not the time to turn back.

Every turn, he is there.

Every thought, he is there.

Eyes open, eyes closed, he is there

Where ever I go, he is there.

I pretend, pretend it is not real.

I am invisible,

Invisible to the world,

Invisible to myself.

No voice, No cries, no tears.

My voice, never heard. 

My cries, never heard.

My tears, as silent as my voice,

My tears, as silent as my cries.

No voice, no cries, no tears.

Silence, that is my world

Darkness protects me from the world outside

Daylight never to be seen

Locked away in my mind,

Locked away, safe behind closed doors

Safe, within the confines of my home

Silence welcomed, I am safe from the demons that await me

One, two, three, four, five, pills…swallow

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten pills…swallow

Wine taste so smooth, numbness welcomed

Drink up, swallow all, there are many more to take.

Now is not the time to turn back.

I am lost, with lost faith, with lost hope.

I prayed quietly to be saved,

I prayed I was not invisible to the world,

I prayed that my pain would be obvious to those that loved me, that said they cared for me.

I prayed that it was so obvious that something was wrong.

I was wrong.

I pray, pray all day, every day

Pray for the strength to remain strong

Pray to continue to fight, this endless fight

Bruised to the bone, but no one sees

Bruised to the bone, only I can feel the pain

The pain, all in my mind from the nightmare and the memories

I pray, pray all day, every day

That my pain will be revealed and I, saved from self-destruction.

I pray, pray all day, every day.

One, two, three, four, five, pills…swallow

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten pills…swallow

Wine taste so smooth, numbness welcomed

Drink up, swallow all, there are many more to take.

Now is not the time to turn back.

One, two, three, four, five, pills…swallow

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten pills…swallow

Now is not the time to turn back, swallow…swallow.

Ladies

Ladies, what all of you have shared is so important!  It speaks so clearly about how our society deals with those afflicted with mental illness.  When we think about mental illness we are quick to think about people who are out of control, hurt others, and refuse to seek help and/or receive help.  You are NOT those people.  You are taking the time, the energy and all the baggage that is required to continue to climb the ladder of self-growth.  You are willing to put yourself out there so you are able to grow from the experiences you have had.  You are willing to be open and raw and allow the pain to penetrate through every bone, blood vessel, and joint so that you can cross the finish line.  You are more powerful than you can even imagine.

Why?

Because you are willing to dissect who you are as a person, you are willing to understand who you are and why you made the choices you have made, and at the end be okay with it.

Hold your head high and walk through the bayou with all the snakes, alligators, and all other creatures that are possibly able to poison you!

Why?

Because, you are a survivor! Yyou are an overcomer!!  Let's go!  Let's get to work ladies!!!

I Will Be

The pain hurts so much,

Please take this pain away.  

I can't stand to feel it anymore.

Just make it end now.

If only I can disappear,

If only I can pretend.

Pretend I am somewhere else, 

Anywhere else but here.

Somewhere that I am safe,

Somewhere, anywhere that will make this pain stop.

I breathe,

Breathing deep, anything to place my focus anywhere.

Somewhere not here, anywhere but here.

I count slowly, one to ten.

Maybe, just maybe it will almost be over.

I breathe,

I think of somewhere that I am safe.

At this moment, I am safe.

Maybe only in my head, but safe I am.

For just a moment my focus is only on my breathing, my safe place.

For just a moment I am okay.

With one deep thrust, the pain radiates throughout my body.

I shut my eyes tighter, both hands trying hard to push his shoulders off of me, hoping to release my body from the tangled web of his control.

Wrong move, wrong move.

He just goes in deeper, pushing my thighs deeper to the floor, going in deeper and harder.

The louder my cries, the harder and deeper he goes.

The more I plead, the harder and deeper he goes.

So quickly I forget, this is what he wants.

I cover my mouth, turn my head.

Tears continue to roll down my face, 

My neck covered in sweat and tears.

The heat unbearable, sun pounding through the back window.

I pretend, I tell myself to pretend.  It will end faster, if I only pretend.

This is not real, nightmares are temporary, I will wake up from this soon enough.

This is not real.

Today, at this moment, I know this nightmare is only a memory from my past.

I know the pain that still feels so real is only pain stuck in my memories from my past.

I know the fear is fear that is based on real events that are in my memories from my past.

Today, at this moment, I know I am okay, I am safe, and he cannot hurt me.

Today, just for today, just for this moment, I tell myself, I am okay.

I tell myself I am safe.

I tell myself I do have the power.

I tell myself he can't hurt me, no more...he can't hurt me.

One day, soon, I know these restless, dark, and scary nights will also be memories from my past.

Every morning and night I pray to my God that He hears me and answers my prayers.

I try everyday to have faith.

Everyday I push myself to continue to believe in my own strength.

You know the saying..."fake it till you make it..."

Well, that is one of my favorite mottos.

But some days I can't.

I can't because I don't have the strength, 

I've lost my will, the hope.

The hope that I am safe.

The hope that he has forgotten me, or moved onto someone new, someone weaker, someone more submissive.

The hope I won't startle by random noises or people that come into my sight without warning.

The hope that I am as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

As I say my prayers, I remember to have faith.

I remember that I am highly favored.

I remember that my God has placed people in my life that are joining His army, my army.

They are his soldiers in my battle.

They are surrounding me, keeping me grounded, and protected.

They are walking side by side with me through my darkest hours so that I continue to walk in faith.

I remember that I am a child of God and He will see me through this fork in the road I have taken.

This pain I am in shall pass.

With my God by my side, I will work through this pain.

It will hurt, 

I will feel, 

I will cry.

When my time has come, when he decides, my pain will subside and become a memory, a scar that no longer has any more control over me, causing what seems like endless pain.

Today, just for today, I will be okay.

Even if I need to take it, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

Whatever it takes, I will live in the moment.

I will be okay at this moment.

I will be okay.

MGJG

04/29/2016 @ 9:30 PM

Something New

Something new.

Something different.

With all the fight still in me, I had to surrender and have faith in something that would be unfamiliar to me.

It was time for me to trust others that believed in me more than I was able to do for myself at this time.

The truth was, I no longer had a choice in the matter.

Though I was willing to try something new, something different, I was petrified.

At this point in my life I had at least understood the control I had thought I had was none.

My life had become unmanageable and I needed help.

I needed someone else to tell me what I needed to do so that I would be able to live the life that I was meant to live.

A life without fear.

A life without self-doubt.

A life built on faith.

A life filled with spirituality,.

I needed to believe in something greater than myself.

I needed to find hope.

I needed to learn who I was.

I needed to learn to like myself.

I needed to love myself,

As I boarded the plane to my new destination, I remembered the words the medical director told me.

As she held my hands tight with love the day before, she reminded me that though I was afraid of my new journey that awaited me, I was well deserving of this opportunity to find myself.

She reminded me that it was time for me to be selfish and focus on getting healthier; mentally and spiritually.

She reminded me that by being selfish, I would be able to return home to my family, stronger than before.

She reminded me that I needed to surrender and allow others to guide me back on the path that I was meant to travel.

What I knew to be true.

I was hurting.

I was afraid.

I no longer had anymore fight in me and without a jolt of faith, I would give up.

I needed to feel the love of others pour into my soul, my every blood vessel, every part of my body.

I needed a life line that would help sustain me until I was able to fight for my own life.

I had goals for my treatment.

I had dreams of loving myself once again.

I had visions of once again feeling safe.

I had just enough faith to know I wanted to live.

I simply needed the support to remind me when my thoughts were clouded with self-pity and sorrow.

I had to remember that I asked for help because at one point I had given up on myself.

I had consciously decided my demise.

I had secretly given up, planned, and prayed to be taken out of my misery.

I no longer was able to control the constant flashbacks.

I no longer felt safe leaving my home.

I no longer could keep count on the dissociate episodes or panic attacks that had become normal to me.

I no longer cared.

But today, December 28, 2015, as I said goodbye and began my new season, I surrendered and decided that how ever long it took to believe in myself once again, I would begin my next journey in Florida, Desert Rose Palm Beach.

On December 28, 2015 I decided I was worthy of a new life full of love, hope, and faith and I owed it to myself and my family to give Desert Rose a chance to help me help myself.

I made a decision that my life was precious and there was a plan for me.

I had a purpose.

I simply had to have faith and surrender my will.

Rebirth of A New Me

If someone told me when I was sixteen years old I would be living the life I am living today, I would be in complete disbelief.  

When I focused on my future I always knew that despite any obstacles I would face, I was a fighter, no matter how grim the outcome appeared to be.  

I had a faith within my soul, deep in my soul that helped me push forward and persevere.

My biggest and most natural high up to this point in my life was the ability to overcome.  

I enjoyed proving to others that I could be successful regardless of their doubts at this point in my life. 

Overcoming obstacles became the battle I used to allow me to reach each milestone, and guide me.  

Leaving footsteps in each new journey I embarked on.

As far as I was concerned, the pain of abandonment, molestation, bullying, and rapes was a part of my life. 

Either I had to be able to mask my feelings, work my facade so all appeared normal to all the eyes on me, or...I would allow it to consume me and not have the life I dreamed of having.  

The latter was not an option.

Regardless, today I decided for sure that death is an absolute necessity towards my redemption.

The me all know must die.

All the damage endured seems to have proven to be unrepairable.

That is okay, it truly is.

This ending will be peaceful.

Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.

This was a long time coming.

I have pondered on this moment for so long.

You remember when I asked, "what would you want to tell me and remember me for?"

I know, probably a morbid question, but I really wanted to know.

I wanted to hear that I was not as alone as I constantly felt.

I needed to know I was in others thoughts.

I needed to hear I was loved and wanted, not only to be used and abused.

I needed reassurance of my worth.

I tried so hard for so long to remind myself all the positive affirmations I should have felt for myself.

I tried, tried so hard.

Don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

The writing was clearly on the wall.

I was crying out for help so many times.

I was asking for help so many times.

The truth...

It was too much for so many to handle.

My situation, my circumstances of my life, was too much for you to bare and come to grips with.

And yes, I respectfully understand, you had much on your own plate.  

It was always more than I could handle also.

So again, don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

Just remind yourself if ever given the opportunity in the future, you will at least acknowledge you hear a person's cries, you feel their pain.

Don't shut yourself from them.

Just be there and support their journey.

Today, my death is inevitable.

The old me must die so new seeds can grow in the garden...plowed and sowed with love.

To become a new me, the old me must die.

The rebirth of a new me will be so beautiful.

Forgiveness, strength, and self-love will flow through the blood, through every vein in my body.

The rebirth of a new me is inevitable.

Without the death of who I was, I cannot grow to be the person I was destined to be.

And, I am tired of what seems like endless fighting to be healed.

I am tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of living in fear, always looking over my shoulder, wondering when I can live a normal life again.

I am tired of not trusting people.

I am tired of trying to protect my heart because I don't want to be hurt again, 

So, in return, I hurt first so they, others can hate me.

I want a life I can no longer have back.

I want to be free.

I want to feel safe and enjoy the beauty of the world outside.

Today I am ready for the old me to die peacefully, knowing that it will bring the rebirth of a healthier, happier me. 

So goodbye.

Hello to those ready and willing to embark on this new journey.

I am so grateful and blessed to call on the rebirth of a new me.

MGJG
12/11/2016