I Will Be

The pain hurts so much,

Please take this pain away.  

I can't stand to feel it anymore.

Just make it end now.

If only I can disappear,

If only I can pretend.

Pretend I am somewhere else, 

Anywhere else but here.

Somewhere that I am safe,

Somewhere, anywhere that will make this pain stop.

I breathe,

Breathing deep, anything to place my focus anywhere.

Somewhere not here, anywhere but here.

I count slowly, one to ten.

Maybe, just maybe it will almost be over.

I breathe,

I think of somewhere that I am safe.

At this moment, I am safe.

Maybe only in my head, but safe I am.

For just a moment my focus is only on my breathing, my safe place.

For just a moment I am okay.

With one deep thrust, the pain radiates throughout my body.

I shut my eyes tighter, both hands trying hard to push his shoulders off of me, hoping to release my body from the tangled web of his control.

Wrong move, wrong move.

He just goes in deeper, pushing my thighs deeper to the floor, going in deeper and harder.

The louder my cries, the harder and deeper he goes.

The more I plead, the harder and deeper he goes.

So quickly I forget, this is what he wants.

I cover my mouth, turn my head.

Tears continue to roll down my face, 

My neck covered in sweat and tears.

The heat unbearable, sun pounding through the back window.

I pretend, I tell myself to pretend.  It will end faster, if I only pretend.

This is not real, nightmares are temporary, I will wake up from this soon enough.

This is not real.

Today, at this moment, I know this nightmare is only a memory from my past.

I know the pain that still feels so real is only pain stuck in my memories from my past.

I know the fear is fear that is based on real events that are in my memories from my past.

Today, at this moment, I know I am okay, I am safe, and he cannot hurt me.

Today, just for today, just for this moment, I tell myself, I am okay.

I tell myself I am safe.

I tell myself I do have the power.

I tell myself he can't hurt me, no more...he can't hurt me.

One day, soon, I know these restless, dark, and scary nights will also be memories from my past.

Every morning and night I pray to my God that He hears me and answers my prayers.

I try everyday to have faith.

Everyday I push myself to continue to believe in my own strength.

You know the saying..."fake it till you make it..."

Well, that is one of my favorite mottos.

But some days I can't.

I can't because I don't have the strength, 

I've lost my will, the hope.

The hope that I am safe.

The hope that he has forgotten me, or moved onto someone new, someone weaker, someone more submissive.

The hope I won't startle by random noises or people that come into my sight without warning.

The hope that I am as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

As I say my prayers, I remember to have faith.

I remember that I am highly favored.

I remember that my God has placed people in my life that are joining His army, my army.

They are his soldiers in my battle.

They are surrounding me, keeping me grounded, and protected.

They are walking side by side with me through my darkest hours so that I continue to walk in faith.

I remember that I am a child of God and He will see me through this fork in the road I have taken.

This pain I am in shall pass.

With my God by my side, I will work through this pain.

It will hurt, 

I will feel, 

I will cry.

When my time has come, when he decides, my pain will subside and become a memory, a scar that no longer has any more control over me, causing what seems like endless pain.

Today, just for today, I will be okay.

Even if I need to take it, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

Whatever it takes, I will live in the moment.

I will be okay at this moment.

I will be okay.

MGJG

04/29/2016 @ 9:30 PM