Something New

Something new.

Something different.

With all the fight still in me, I had to surrender and have faith in something that would be unfamiliar to me.

It was time for me to trust others that believed in me more than I was able to do for myself at this time.

The truth was, I no longer had a choice in the matter.

Though I was willing to try something new, something different, I was petrified.

At this point in my life I had at least understood the control I had thought I had was none.

My life had become unmanageable and I needed help.

I needed someone else to tell me what I needed to do so that I would be able to live the life that I was meant to live.

A life without fear.

A life without self-doubt.

A life built on faith.

A life filled with spirituality,.

I needed to believe in something greater than myself.

I needed to find hope.

I needed to learn who I was.

I needed to learn to like myself.

I needed to love myself,

As I boarded the plane to my new destination, I remembered the words the medical director told me.

As she held my hands tight with love the day before, she reminded me that though I was afraid of my new journey that awaited me, I was well deserving of this opportunity to find myself.

She reminded me that it was time for me to be selfish and focus on getting healthier; mentally and spiritually.

She reminded me that by being selfish, I would be able to return home to my family, stronger than before.

She reminded me that I needed to surrender and allow others to guide me back on the path that I was meant to travel.

What I knew to be true.

I was hurting.

I was afraid.

I no longer had anymore fight in me and without a jolt of faith, I would give up.

I needed to feel the love of others pour into my soul, my every blood vessel, every part of my body.

I needed a life line that would help sustain me until I was able to fight for my own life.

I had goals for my treatment.

I had dreams of loving myself once again.

I had visions of once again feeling safe.

I had just enough faith to know I wanted to live.

I simply needed the support to remind me when my thoughts were clouded with self-pity and sorrow.

I had to remember that I asked for help because at one point I had given up on myself.

I had consciously decided my demise.

I had secretly given up, planned, and prayed to be taken out of my misery.

I no longer was able to control the constant flashbacks.

I no longer felt safe leaving my home.

I no longer could keep count on the dissociate episodes or panic attacks that had become normal to me.

I no longer cared.

But today, December 28, 2015, as I said goodbye and began my new season, I surrendered and decided that how ever long it took to believe in myself once again, I would begin my next journey in Florida, Desert Rose Palm Beach.

On December 28, 2015 I decided I was worthy of a new life full of love, hope, and faith and I owed it to myself and my family to give Desert Rose a chance to help me help myself.

I made a decision that my life was precious and there was a plan for me.

I had a purpose.

I simply had to have faith and surrender my will.