Rebirth of A New Me

If someone told me when I was sixteen years old I would be living the life I am living today, I would be in complete disbelief.  

When I focused on my future I always knew that despite any obstacles I would face, I was a fighter, no matter how grim the outcome appeared to be.  

I had a faith within my soul, deep in my soul that helped me push forward and persevere.

My biggest and most natural high up to this point in my life was the ability to overcome.  

I enjoyed proving to others that I could be successful regardless of their doubts at this point in my life. 

Overcoming obstacles became the battle I used to allow me to reach each milestone, and guide me.  

Leaving footsteps in each new journey I embarked on.

As far as I was concerned, the pain of abandonment, molestation, bullying, and rapes was a part of my life. 

Either I had to be able to mask my feelings, work my facade so all appeared normal to all the eyes on me, or...I would allow it to consume me and not have the life I dreamed of having.  

The latter was not an option.

Regardless, today I decided for sure that death is an absolute necessity towards my redemption.

The me all know must die.

All the damage endured seems to have proven to be unrepairable.

That is okay, it truly is.

This ending will be peaceful.

Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.

This was a long time coming.

I have pondered on this moment for so long.

You remember when I asked, "what would you want to tell me and remember me for?"

I know, probably a morbid question, but I really wanted to know.

I wanted to hear that I was not as alone as I constantly felt.

I needed to know I was in others thoughts.

I needed to hear I was loved and wanted, not only to be used and abused.

I needed reassurance of my worth.

I tried so hard for so long to remind myself all the positive affirmations I should have felt for myself.

I tried, tried so hard.

Don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

The writing was clearly on the wall.

I was crying out for help so many times.

I was asking for help so many times.

The truth...

It was too much for so many to handle.

My situation, my circumstances of my life, was too much for you to bare and come to grips with.

And yes, I respectfully understand, you had much on your own plate.  

It was always more than I could handle also.

So again, don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

Just remind yourself if ever given the opportunity in the future, you will at least acknowledge you hear a person's cries, you feel their pain.

Don't shut yourself from them.

Just be there and support their journey.

Today, my death is inevitable.

The old me must die so new seeds can grow in the garden...plowed and sowed with love.

To become a new me, the old me must die.

The rebirth of a new me will be so beautiful.

Forgiveness, strength, and self-love will flow through the blood, through every vein in my body.

The rebirth of a new me is inevitable.

Without the death of who I was, I cannot grow to be the person I was destined to be.

And, I am tired of what seems like endless fighting to be healed.

I am tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of living in fear, always looking over my shoulder, wondering when I can live a normal life again.

I am tired of not trusting people.

I am tired of trying to protect my heart because I don't want to be hurt again, 

So, in return, I hurt first so they, others can hate me.

I want a life I can no longer have back.

I want to be free.

I want to feel safe and enjoy the beauty of the world outside.

Today I am ready for the old me to die peacefully, knowing that it will bring the rebirth of a healthier, happier me. 

So goodbye.

Hello to those ready and willing to embark on this new journey.

I am so grateful and blessed to call on the rebirth of a new me.

MGJG
12/11/2016