Ladies

Ladies, what all of you have shared is so important!  It speaks so clearly about how our society deals with those afflicted with mental illness.  When we think about mental illness we are quick to think about people who are out of control, hurt others, and refuse to seek help and/or receive help.  You are NOT those people.  You are taking the time, the energy and all the baggage that is required to continue to climb the ladder of self-growth.  You are willing to put yourself out there so you are able to grow from the experiences you have had.  You are willing to be open and raw and allow the pain to penetrate through every bone, blood vessel, and joint so that you can cross the finish line.  You are more powerful than you can even imagine.

Why?

Because you are willing to dissect who you are as a person, you are willing to understand who you are and why you made the choices you have made, and at the end be okay with it.

Hold your head high and walk through the bayou with all the snakes, alligators, and all other creatures that are possibly able to poison you!

Why?

Because, you are a survivor! Yyou are an overcomer!!  Let's go!  Let's get to work ladies!!!

I Will Be

The pain hurts so much,

Please take this pain away.  

I can't stand to feel it anymore.

Just make it end now.

If only I can disappear,

If only I can pretend.

Pretend I am somewhere else, 

Anywhere else but here.

Somewhere that I am safe,

Somewhere, anywhere that will make this pain stop.

I breathe,

Breathing deep, anything to place my focus anywhere.

Somewhere not here, anywhere but here.

I count slowly, one to ten.

Maybe, just maybe it will almost be over.

I breathe,

I think of somewhere that I am safe.

At this moment, I am safe.

Maybe only in my head, but safe I am.

For just a moment my focus is only on my breathing, my safe place.

For just a moment I am okay.

With one deep thrust, the pain radiates throughout my body.

I shut my eyes tighter, both hands trying hard to push his shoulders off of me, hoping to release my body from the tangled web of his control.

Wrong move, wrong move.

He just goes in deeper, pushing my thighs deeper to the floor, going in deeper and harder.

The louder my cries, the harder and deeper he goes.

The more I plead, the harder and deeper he goes.

So quickly I forget, this is what he wants.

I cover my mouth, turn my head.

Tears continue to roll down my face, 

My neck covered in sweat and tears.

The heat unbearable, sun pounding through the back window.

I pretend, I tell myself to pretend.  It will end faster, if I only pretend.

This is not real, nightmares are temporary, I will wake up from this soon enough.

This is not real.

Today, at this moment, I know this nightmare is only a memory from my past.

I know the pain that still feels so real is only pain stuck in my memories from my past.

I know the fear is fear that is based on real events that are in my memories from my past.

Today, at this moment, I know I am okay, I am safe, and he cannot hurt me.

Today, just for today, just for this moment, I tell myself, I am okay.

I tell myself I am safe.

I tell myself I do have the power.

I tell myself he can't hurt me, no more...he can't hurt me.

One day, soon, I know these restless, dark, and scary nights will also be memories from my past.

Every morning and night I pray to my God that He hears me and answers my prayers.

I try everyday to have faith.

Everyday I push myself to continue to believe in my own strength.

You know the saying..."fake it till you make it..."

Well, that is one of my favorite mottos.

But some days I can't.

I can't because I don't have the strength, 

I've lost my will, the hope.

The hope that I am safe.

The hope that he has forgotten me, or moved onto someone new, someone weaker, someone more submissive.

The hope I won't startle by random noises or people that come into my sight without warning.

The hope that I am as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

As I say my prayers, I remember to have faith.

I remember that I am highly favored.

I remember that my God has placed people in my life that are joining His army, my army.

They are his soldiers in my battle.

They are surrounding me, keeping me grounded, and protected.

They are walking side by side with me through my darkest hours so that I continue to walk in faith.

I remember that I am a child of God and He will see me through this fork in the road I have taken.

This pain I am in shall pass.

With my God by my side, I will work through this pain.

It will hurt, 

I will feel, 

I will cry.

When my time has come, when he decides, my pain will subside and become a memory, a scar that no longer has any more control over me, causing what seems like endless pain.

Today, just for today, I will be okay.

Even if I need to take it, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

Whatever it takes, I will live in the moment.

I will be okay at this moment.

I will be okay.

MGJG

04/29/2016 @ 9:30 PM

Something New

Something new.

Something different.

With all the fight still in me, I had to surrender and have faith in something that would be unfamiliar to me.

It was time for me to trust others that believed in me more than I was able to do for myself at this time.

The truth was, I no longer had a choice in the matter.

Though I was willing to try something new, something different, I was petrified.

At this point in my life I had at least understood the control I had thought I had was none.

My life had become unmanageable and I needed help.

I needed someone else to tell me what I needed to do so that I would be able to live the life that I was meant to live.

A life without fear.

A life without self-doubt.

A life built on faith.

A life filled with spirituality,.

I needed to believe in something greater than myself.

I needed to find hope.

I needed to learn who I was.

I needed to learn to like myself.

I needed to love myself,

As I boarded the plane to my new destination, I remembered the words the medical director told me.

As she held my hands tight with love the day before, she reminded me that though I was afraid of my new journey that awaited me, I was well deserving of this opportunity to find myself.

She reminded me that it was time for me to be selfish and focus on getting healthier; mentally and spiritually.

She reminded me that by being selfish, I would be able to return home to my family, stronger than before.

She reminded me that I needed to surrender and allow others to guide me back on the path that I was meant to travel.

What I knew to be true.

I was hurting.

I was afraid.

I no longer had anymore fight in me and without a jolt of faith, I would give up.

I needed to feel the love of others pour into my soul, my every blood vessel, every part of my body.

I needed a life line that would help sustain me until I was able to fight for my own life.

I had goals for my treatment.

I had dreams of loving myself once again.

I had visions of once again feeling safe.

I had just enough faith to know I wanted to live.

I simply needed the support to remind me when my thoughts were clouded with self-pity and sorrow.

I had to remember that I asked for help because at one point I had given up on myself.

I had consciously decided my demise.

I had secretly given up, planned, and prayed to be taken out of my misery.

I no longer was able to control the constant flashbacks.

I no longer felt safe leaving my home.

I no longer could keep count on the dissociate episodes or panic attacks that had become normal to me.

I no longer cared.

But today, December 28, 2015, as I said goodbye and began my new season, I surrendered and decided that how ever long it took to believe in myself once again, I would begin my next journey in Florida, Desert Rose Palm Beach.

On December 28, 2015 I decided I was worthy of a new life full of love, hope, and faith and I owed it to myself and my family to give Desert Rose a chance to help me help myself.

I made a decision that my life was precious and there was a plan for me.

I had a purpose.

I simply had to have faith and surrender my will.

Rebirth of A New Me

If someone told me when I was sixteen years old I would be living the life I am living today, I would be in complete disbelief.  

When I focused on my future I always knew that despite any obstacles I would face, I was a fighter, no matter how grim the outcome appeared to be.  

I had a faith within my soul, deep in my soul that helped me push forward and persevere.

My biggest and most natural high up to this point in my life was the ability to overcome.  

I enjoyed proving to others that I could be successful regardless of their doubts at this point in my life. 

Overcoming obstacles became the battle I used to allow me to reach each milestone, and guide me.  

Leaving footsteps in each new journey I embarked on.

As far as I was concerned, the pain of abandonment, molestation, bullying, and rapes was a part of my life. 

Either I had to be able to mask my feelings, work my facade so all appeared normal to all the eyes on me, or...I would allow it to consume me and not have the life I dreamed of having.  

The latter was not an option.

Regardless, today I decided for sure that death is an absolute necessity towards my redemption.

The me all know must die.

All the damage endured seems to have proven to be unrepairable.

That is okay, it truly is.

This ending will be peaceful.

Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.

This was a long time coming.

I have pondered on this moment for so long.

You remember when I asked, "what would you want to tell me and remember me for?"

I know, probably a morbid question, but I really wanted to know.

I wanted to hear that I was not as alone as I constantly felt.

I needed to know I was in others thoughts.

I needed to hear I was loved and wanted, not only to be used and abused.

I needed reassurance of my worth.

I tried so hard for so long to remind myself all the positive affirmations I should have felt for myself.

I tried, tried so hard.

Don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

The writing was clearly on the wall.

I was crying out for help so many times.

I was asking for help so many times.

The truth...

It was too much for so many to handle.

My situation, my circumstances of my life, was too much for you to bare and come to grips with.

And yes, I respectfully understand, you had much on your own plate.  

It was always more than I could handle also.

So again, don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

Just remind yourself if ever given the opportunity in the future, you will at least acknowledge you hear a person's cries, you feel their pain.

Don't shut yourself from them.

Just be there and support their journey.

Today, my death is inevitable.

The old me must die so new seeds can grow in the garden...plowed and sowed with love.

To become a new me, the old me must die.

The rebirth of a new me will be so beautiful.

Forgiveness, strength, and self-love will flow through the blood, through every vein in my body.

The rebirth of a new me is inevitable.

Without the death of who I was, I cannot grow to be the person I was destined to be.

And, I am tired of what seems like endless fighting to be healed.

I am tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of living in fear, always looking over my shoulder, wondering when I can live a normal life again.

I am tired of not trusting people.

I am tired of trying to protect my heart because I don't want to be hurt again, 

So, in return, I hurt first so they, others can hate me.

I want a life I can no longer have back.

I want to be free.

I want to feel safe and enjoy the beauty of the world outside.

Today I am ready for the old me to die peacefully, knowing that it will bring the rebirth of a healthier, happier me. 

So goodbye.

Hello to those ready and willing to embark on this new journey.

I am so grateful and blessed to call on the rebirth of a new me.

MGJG
12/11/2016

Self-Love

I am my only keeper.

No one else controls my destiny.

I am the only one that can make myself happy.

Wipe the tears away and stand on your two feet.

The road is a circle.

At the end it will only lead back to you.

You are the only one that can bring satisfaction to you.

Open your eyes and your heart to yourself and love the person in the mirror.

At the end of the day when you are in need of love, it might only be self-love that you will need to stay safe and alive.

MGJG
05/11/2002

Open Your Eyes

Open your eyes.

Accept the person you are.

Be ope to change.

Fulfill the inner-child.

Release the pain.

Find the anger that is killing you.

Hold the child within.

Inhale....exhale.

Who do you want to be?

How do people see you?

How do they react to you?

Enter into the life of happiness.

Open your mind up and accept change.

Be okay with yourself.

Love the person you are and prepare yourself for a ride.

Prepare for the good and the bad.

Bad is evil.  But, that is okay.

Evil can be beaten.

Good overcomes all.

Good always wins.

MGJG
04/2002

Close Your Eyes

Close your eyes.

Take me back, back to the days of happiness, nothing but happiness.

Close your eyes.

Remember the days of a brighter tomorrow.

Everything will be okay, just hold onto the good times.

Realize who you are.

Realize you are somebody and no one can take from you what you don't allow them to take.

Close your eyes.

Smile, laugh, cry, and forgive the child within.

Smile for the beautiful person you are.  Honest, full of love and positive energy.

Laugh at the choices you have made.  You were only a child.

Cry for the child that was innocent.

No, that child did not deserve what seeped through the open wounds.

Cry and let it out.  Crying ever hurt anyone.

Forgive, forgive the child.  

Realize she was a child and a child cannot take on the responsibilities of a grown adult.  

Forgive and allow the healing to begin.

Open your eyes.

Take me forward.

Forward to days of inner peace, hope, and faith.

Relax and inhale life, day by day.

Open your eyes.

Dream of good, peaceful, and happy days.

Accept who you have become ad remember to take one day at a time.

MGJG

03/2002

My Heart

Like an open wound, my heart feels its pain.

Like a child without its parents, my heart feels its pain.

Like a victim violated by a stranger, my heart feels its pain.

No one knows how it feels until it has happened to them.

Words cannot explain the pain.

It is worse than getting hit by a car or or not doing well in school.

The heart is like a person.

The heart has feelings, feelings that hurt, feelings that are full of pain with deep, genuine emotion.

Right now my heart is full of pain.

The pain is trapped in me though.

The pain my heart is feeling wants to get out.

But how?

The pain pains me and I don't know how to let it out.

I can feel the pain in my head, pounding like a hammer, pounding away at a nail.

I can feel the pain in my heart, squeezing like a juice machine squeezing away at a piece of fruit for fruit juice.

I can feel the pain in my stomach, sticking like a needle in a pack of ten, sticking away at the arm.

I can feel the pain in my love parts, burning like an intruder pushing themselves in me without any feeling of true love.

I can feel the pain aching in my feet like a person who has walked for ten years without stopping.

The pain pains me and I don't know how to let it out.

Like an open wound, my heart heels its pain.

No one knows how it feels until it has happened to them.

My heart is like a person.

Right ow my heart is full of pain.

The pain pais me ad I don't know how to let it out.

MGJ

05/15/1995

Are You Ready For A Change??

Change is inevitable. 

Change is scary, but healthy. 

• Regardless how difficult it might seem, doing something different might be that one thing that allows the change to happen with grace. 

Change allows growth.

• Growth brings us new and different opportunities with the ability to make choices with a more open and clear picture. 

Today, I am going to do something different to allow change, therefore allowing continued growth.

MGJG

10/09/2016 - AM

Pictures - Worth A Thousand Words

It is sometimes easier to focus on the negative.  You know, when things seem not to be going the way you want them to.  Dissecting what you should of, could of, would of...all easily fills the empty spaces in your mind.

Definitely not the life I want to live, not at all.  It sucks every piece of energy out of me.  Let me tell you, fighting depression alone is enough, why give anymore energy to it.

So, today, this moment, I take the time to go through photos of memories with family and friends.  I cry happy tears.  I smile.  Sometimes a laugh will escape and warm my aching heart.

I do this to remind myself that my life is filled with cherished memories.  A reminder that I have so much to be grateful for and I must hold onto all that love and happiness.

11/12/2016 @ 11:44 AM
MGJG

Let's Talk About You

Let's talk about you.

Stop looking to others to find your self-worth.

Do you know who you are?

Do you know what makes you happy, what makes you sad?

What makes you laugh?  What makes you cry?

Look in the mirror.

Look deep down in your heart, in your soul, and tell me who you are.

Let's talk about you!  Yes, you!

Are you fulfilling your inner desires?

Are you looking to others to bring you happiness and satisfy your needs?

Have you made the necessary steps to achieve your goals?

Do you remember the dreams of that child within?

Let's talk about you!

Stop!

Get grounded!

Be in the moment!

Let's do some self-reflection and talk about you!

Too many times we look to others to find ourselves.

Take the time to learn you, love you, and appreciate you!

Lets's talk about you by starting with you, not looking to others for the answers no one can truly answer better than we can for ourselves.

Let's talk about you!

MGJG
11/02/2016 - 3:38 PM

Compassion: A Gift To Self

"All my life, I have wanted to lead people to an empathy space, to a gratitude space.  I want us each to be awake to our full potential, to find our calling, and to summon the courage to live it.  Imagine a world where we all lift ourselves up, and then reach out and lift someone else.  And so together, we rise."

- Oprah Winfrey

It doesn't matter how easy or hard our lives have been up to this very moment.  Each of these moments have a very significant impact on our lives which helps us make the many decisions during.  Each decision will have an effect either on ourselves or somebody else.  Positive or negative.  Cause and effect.

For my own personal happiness I try to lead a life of wanting to feel compassion for others, regardless of whether I have had like experience(s).  I want others to know I hold no judgments, as I could never understand fully their personal journey.  I want and hope for them to feel the love and support of someone else.  This might be the one thing that helps them to stay strong and continue to fight through their obstacles.  Therefore, achieving their own self-worth, and/or success.

Being compassionate will allow me to receive the blessings of life.  I will always learn how selflessness will provide me the true love for others, and in return, true love of myself.  A gift in itself.

MGJG
11/02/2016 - 1:35 PM

The light

Even in my darkest days I could see the light. 

The light was beautiful,

The light was my awakening.

I knew there was nothing I could do at that very moment to change what was about to happen.

However, I knew that I felt a presence I could not explain, but one that protected me.

It was a presence that reminded me that I had too much to lose.

It was a presence that reminded me that there would always be a light.

The question for me would be,

Will you give you will up to experience a breakthrough to a new you?

Yes.  

Anything was better than this hell I was living at this moment.

The pain with him in between my legs, inside of me, slowly subsided.

I looked deeply in the light that shined so brightly and I knew I was okay,

I cannot explain it, but what I can tell you,

I was going to continue on my path,

I was going to be okay,

I was going to make it out alive to tell my story and make a difference.

Here I am, months, damn, almost two years later.

I get frustrated.  I get angry, heck, I am so angry.

I am angry that I can't erase the past,.

I get angry that the movie playing in my mind won't go away.

If only the movie could be something full of laughter and smiles, I would be okay with that.

But, today, I am here, living with the memories that haunt me, will always haunt me.

Yet, I see the light.

I see that light that saved me that day and told me to hold on, reminded me I would be okay,

The memories are painful.

The memories are embarrassing.

But, the memories do not hide that moment when I felt that presence that got me through the nightmare.

I always see light.

No matter how bad, how painful, I see the light.

I see the light that it will be okay.

I simply have to believe, have faith, and let be what is meant to be.

I will always see the light.

No matter how dark it becomes.

No matter how much pain I endure.

No matter how bad the future is,

The light is what I see and reminds me that in the darkest of times, there is always a way out, there is always a light that will guide me through and set me free from the hell I am living.

The light is my savior.

The light is my way out.

The light always reminds me that I have a chance, I have a choice to keep going and not give up.

Take A Ride With Me

Take a ride with me,

A ride of a lifetime.

A ride of beautiful pastures, beautiful rivers, beautiful mountaintops.

A roller coaster of vast emotions.

Emotions of love, sadness, happiness, and heartbreaks.

Many twist and turns.

Test of faith,

Test of truth.

Trust in the belief of self.

The belief that one can weather the many storms set in their path called life.

The belief that one is right where they are supposed to be at that very moment.

The moment when one is questioning their many decisions.

The moment when one is questioning their purpose.

The moment when one is questions whether to continue on.

The belief that one has the strength within to take them to the next level, new thoughts, the doors that will or will not open.  

Some which were once closed to them, sometimes for a reason they will never know.

Some because they had to win the small battles and fight through the trials and tribulations called life before the doors were to be opened for them.

Take in the air I breathe into my being.

Take in the smell of the sweetness of life.

Take in the taste of enjoying the full course of the master plan set before me.

Take a ride with me as I run the biggest race of my life.

Watch me fall.

Watch me question my next move as I analyze each angle, each trap, each possible escape.

Watch me get up and continue pushing through.

Sweat dripping,

Tears flooding my view,

Muscles of my face changing as I grit my teeth, sometimes smile, and sometimes cry in agony and happiness.

Game face clearly written all over my face and how I hold myself up.

Each step, each stride, long and steady.

Watch me work the curves in the road.

Watch me climb, working to reach the highest point of who I am, who I am meant to be.

Watch me jump the hurdles, high and with focus with full intent of jumping with fierceness of determination.

Watch me as I reach the finish line of one of the many races I am meant to compete in throughout my lifetime.

Take a ride with me.

It is a journey filled with many emotions, sometimes disappointments, but more importantly, a ride that will elevate me to a better me.

Take a ride with me.

MGJG

09/17/2016 @ 11:52 AM

Sweet Child

Hold your head up sweet child.

Do you know who you are?

 

You are first and foremost, a child of God.

That in itself is a gift to be grateful for.

 

Sweet child, yes you.

I am talking to that child within, wanting so bad to be held tight and loved for who she is.

Look into the mirror and see how beautiful you are.

 

Your cocoa skin, shining with the scent of the coconut oil rubbed deep in your skin.

Vaseline spread onto those beautiful lips of yours.

Yes, that's right, let me see those beautiful pearly white teeth shine through that bright smile.

 

Hair pulled back, away from your face.

Yes, a must, a beautiful face must not be hidden from the world.

 

Sweet child, yes you.

Do you know who you are?

 

You are fierce.

 

You are like a lioness protecting her cubs, her home, her family.

 

You are a protector who understands the value of family.

 

You are a warrior.

You have been through many battles and you understand all too well that in order to win, you must be 100% invested...and that you are.

 

You are a survivor.

Throughout all the paths of the journeys you have travelled thus far, you have found ways to endure through the pain and still persevere.

 

Sweet child, yes you.

Do you know who you are?

 

You are slowly becoming a new you.

Who you choose to be is up to you.

Hold your head up, shoulders back, and walk that walk and show the world who you are.

 

Sweet child, you are who you should be today and you are who you will be as you continue walking your path, your journey.

 

Sweet child, yes you.

Do you know who you are?

 

MGJG

03/31/2016 @ 4:15 PM