Ladies

Ladies, what all of you have shared is so important!  It speaks so clearly about how our society deals with those afflicted with mental illness.  When we think about mental illness we are quick to think about people who are out of control, hurt others, and refuse to seek help and/or receive help.  You are NOT those people.  You are taking the time, the energy and all the baggage that is required to continue to climb the ladder of self-growth.  You are willing to put yourself out there so you are able to grow from the experiences you have had.  You are willing to be open and raw and allow the pain to penetrate through every bone, blood vessel, and joint so that you can cross the finish line.  You are more powerful than you can even imagine.

Why?

Because you are willing to dissect who you are as a person, you are willing to understand who you are and why you made the choices you have made, and at the end be okay with it.

Hold your head high and walk through the bayou with all the snakes, alligators, and all other creatures that are possibly able to poison you!

Why?

Because, you are a survivor! Yyou are an overcomer!!  Let's go!  Let's get to work ladies!!!

I Will Be

The pain hurts so much,

Please take this pain away.  

I can't stand to feel it anymore.

Just make it end now.

If only I can disappear,

If only I can pretend.

Pretend I am somewhere else, 

Anywhere else but here.

Somewhere that I am safe,

Somewhere, anywhere that will make this pain stop.

I breathe,

Breathing deep, anything to place my focus anywhere.

Somewhere not here, anywhere but here.

I count slowly, one to ten.

Maybe, just maybe it will almost be over.

I breathe,

I think of somewhere that I am safe.

At this moment, I am safe.

Maybe only in my head, but safe I am.

For just a moment my focus is only on my breathing, my safe place.

For just a moment I am okay.

With one deep thrust, the pain radiates throughout my body.

I shut my eyes tighter, both hands trying hard to push his shoulders off of me, hoping to release my body from the tangled web of his control.

Wrong move, wrong move.

He just goes in deeper, pushing my thighs deeper to the floor, going in deeper and harder.

The louder my cries, the harder and deeper he goes.

The more I plead, the harder and deeper he goes.

So quickly I forget, this is what he wants.

I cover my mouth, turn my head.

Tears continue to roll down my face, 

My neck covered in sweat and tears.

The heat unbearable, sun pounding through the back window.

I pretend, I tell myself to pretend.  It will end faster, if I only pretend.

This is not real, nightmares are temporary, I will wake up from this soon enough.

This is not real.

Today, at this moment, I know this nightmare is only a memory from my past.

I know the pain that still feels so real is only pain stuck in my memories from my past.

I know the fear is fear that is based on real events that are in my memories from my past.

Today, at this moment, I know I am okay, I am safe, and he cannot hurt me.

Today, just for today, just for this moment, I tell myself, I am okay.

I tell myself I am safe.

I tell myself I do have the power.

I tell myself he can't hurt me, no more...he can't hurt me.

One day, soon, I know these restless, dark, and scary nights will also be memories from my past.

Every morning and night I pray to my God that He hears me and answers my prayers.

I try everyday to have faith.

Everyday I push myself to continue to believe in my own strength.

You know the saying..."fake it till you make it..."

Well, that is one of my favorite mottos.

But some days I can't.

I can't because I don't have the strength, 

I've lost my will, the hope.

The hope that I am safe.

The hope that he has forgotten me, or moved onto someone new, someone weaker, someone more submissive.

The hope I won't startle by random noises or people that come into my sight without warning.

The hope that I am as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

As I say my prayers, I remember to have faith.

I remember that I am highly favored.

I remember that my God has placed people in my life that are joining His army, my army.

They are his soldiers in my battle.

They are surrounding me, keeping me grounded, and protected.

They are walking side by side with me through my darkest hours so that I continue to walk in faith.

I remember that I am a child of God and He will see me through this fork in the road I have taken.

This pain I am in shall pass.

With my God by my side, I will work through this pain.

It will hurt, 

I will feel, 

I will cry.

When my time has come, when he decides, my pain will subside and become a memory, a scar that no longer has any more control over me, causing what seems like endless pain.

Today, just for today, I will be okay.

Even if I need to take it, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

Whatever it takes, I will live in the moment.

I will be okay at this moment.

I will be okay.

MGJG

04/29/2016 @ 9:30 PM

Something New

Something new.

Something different.

With all the fight still in me, I had to surrender and have faith in something that would be unfamiliar to me.

It was time for me to trust others that believed in me more than I was able to do for myself at this time.

The truth was, I no longer had a choice in the matter.

Though I was willing to try something new, something different, I was petrified.

At this point in my life I had at least understood the control I had thought I had was none.

My life had become unmanageable and I needed help.

I needed someone else to tell me what I needed to do so that I would be able to live the life that I was meant to live.

A life without fear.

A life without self-doubt.

A life built on faith.

A life filled with spirituality,.

I needed to believe in something greater than myself.

I needed to find hope.

I needed to learn who I was.

I needed to learn to like myself.

I needed to love myself,

As I boarded the plane to my new destination, I remembered the words the medical director told me.

As she held my hands tight with love the day before, she reminded me that though I was afraid of my new journey that awaited me, I was well deserving of this opportunity to find myself.

She reminded me that it was time for me to be selfish and focus on getting healthier; mentally and spiritually.

She reminded me that by being selfish, I would be able to return home to my family, stronger than before.

She reminded me that I needed to surrender and allow others to guide me back on the path that I was meant to travel.

What I knew to be true.

I was hurting.

I was afraid.

I no longer had anymore fight in me and without a jolt of faith, I would give up.

I needed to feel the love of others pour into my soul, my every blood vessel, every part of my body.

I needed a life line that would help sustain me until I was able to fight for my own life.

I had goals for my treatment.

I had dreams of loving myself once again.

I had visions of once again feeling safe.

I had just enough faith to know I wanted to live.

I simply needed the support to remind me when my thoughts were clouded with self-pity and sorrow.

I had to remember that I asked for help because at one point I had given up on myself.

I had consciously decided my demise.

I had secretly given up, planned, and prayed to be taken out of my misery.

I no longer was able to control the constant flashbacks.

I no longer felt safe leaving my home.

I no longer could keep count on the dissociate episodes or panic attacks that had become normal to me.

I no longer cared.

But today, December 28, 2015, as I said goodbye and began my new season, I surrendered and decided that how ever long it took to believe in myself once again, I would begin my next journey in Florida, Desert Rose Palm Beach.

On December 28, 2015 I decided I was worthy of a new life full of love, hope, and faith and I owed it to myself and my family to give Desert Rose a chance to help me help myself.

I made a decision that my life was precious and there was a plan for me.

I had a purpose.

I simply had to have faith and surrender my will.

Rebirth of A New Me

If someone told me when I was sixteen years old I would be living the life I am living today, I would be in complete disbelief.  

When I focused on my future I always knew that despite any obstacles I would face, I was a fighter, no matter how grim the outcome appeared to be.  

I had a faith within my soul, deep in my soul that helped me push forward and persevere.

My biggest and most natural high up to this point in my life was the ability to overcome.  

I enjoyed proving to others that I could be successful regardless of their doubts at this point in my life. 

Overcoming obstacles became the battle I used to allow me to reach each milestone, and guide me.  

Leaving footsteps in each new journey I embarked on.

As far as I was concerned, the pain of abandonment, molestation, bullying, and rapes was a part of my life. 

Either I had to be able to mask my feelings, work my facade so all appeared normal to all the eyes on me, or...I would allow it to consume me and not have the life I dreamed of having.  

The latter was not an option.

Regardless, today I decided for sure that death is an absolute necessity towards my redemption.

The me all know must die.

All the damage endured seems to have proven to be unrepairable.

That is okay, it truly is.

This ending will be peaceful.

Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.

This was a long time coming.

I have pondered on this moment for so long.

You remember when I asked, "what would you want to tell me and remember me for?"

I know, probably a morbid question, but I really wanted to know.

I wanted to hear that I was not as alone as I constantly felt.

I needed to know I was in others thoughts.

I needed to hear I was loved and wanted, not only to be used and abused.

I needed reassurance of my worth.

I tried so hard for so long to remind myself all the positive affirmations I should have felt for myself.

I tried, tried so hard.

Don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

The writing was clearly on the wall.

I was crying out for help so many times.

I was asking for help so many times.

The truth...

It was too much for so many to handle.

My situation, my circumstances of my life, was too much for you to bare and come to grips with.

And yes, I respectfully understand, you had much on your own plate.  

It was always more than I could handle also.

So again, don't read this in shock and mourn for me.

Just remind yourself if ever given the opportunity in the future, you will at least acknowledge you hear a person's cries, you feel their pain.

Don't shut yourself from them.

Just be there and support their journey.

Today, my death is inevitable.

The old me must die so new seeds can grow in the garden...plowed and sowed with love.

To become a new me, the old me must die.

The rebirth of a new me will be so beautiful.

Forgiveness, strength, and self-love will flow through the blood, through every vein in my body.

The rebirth of a new me is inevitable.

Without the death of who I was, I cannot grow to be the person I was destined to be.

And, I am tired of what seems like endless fighting to be healed.

I am tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of living in fear, always looking over my shoulder, wondering when I can live a normal life again.

I am tired of not trusting people.

I am tired of trying to protect my heart because I don't want to be hurt again, 

So, in return, I hurt first so they, others can hate me.

I want a life I can no longer have back.

I want to be free.

I want to feel safe and enjoy the beauty of the world outside.

Today I am ready for the old me to die peacefully, knowing that it will bring the rebirth of a healthier, happier me. 

So goodbye.

Hello to those ready and willing to embark on this new journey.

I am so grateful and blessed to call on the rebirth of a new me.

MGJG
12/11/2016