We Are Not In Authority To Judge!

Do we forget our own story that brought us to our breaking point?
Do we forget the pain we felt?
You know, our pain or spiritual and mental anguish and breakdown?
We so bad wanted people to stop judging us, we definitely were professionals at judging ourselves.

But we do forget.
We all are imperfect beings.
We have unfortunately been on both sides, judging others or being judged.

I am angry!
I am hurt!
I am disappointed and discouraged!
My wall is up, again.
Cemented deep down in the ground, determined to keep it up for good this time.

My facade to the world is that I am strong, I am courageous, strong-willed, a fighter.
Always in position for battle, determined to be a fierce warrior that clearly wears proudly, "don't fuck with me, I am not the one!"  "please, try me, please give me a reason!"
I am trying real hard to keep from having to show you my definition of "ghetto professional."
Trust and believe, that side has no problem showing itself!
Please, don't judge!

Truth be told...
I am afraid.
I fear for my safety.
I fear for my life.

I hold on with my faith.
I hold onto the love and support of my husband, children, family, and friends.

I am not delusional.
I am not in denial.
The problem, which is clearly yours, not mine; you don't know my story, my testimony.
You don't care to know.
And that is perfectly fine with me.
So, do not sit in judgment, you have no right if you are not compassionate to get to know me and my testimony.
I will be a better person with you not in my circle of serenity.
Just do not judge me!

Keep your snickering, comments, and opinions of me out your mouth.
Disrespectful, immature, and...how old are you again?
Sorry, had to add that question, to bring laughter and a smile to my current anger and frustration.

However, maybe something for your think about...
Is your need to judge and shame me because there is something you see in me that you would like to embody?
It might be what I call me façade, but something you obviously see that you want...
Something you might want to reflect on...sleep on.

I call it my façade.
On my good days, I do feel strong, empowered, strong-willed, and courageous.
Along with living each day remembering to be grateful, I aim to be all those "facades" AND compassionate, inspirational, and motivational.
I work hard to not sit in judgment.
Sometimes I fail at this and I work hard to make amends.

Each of us have our own story.  Our own testimony.
Each of us are on our own paths.
Some of us get to our destination quicker than others.
That is okay.
For me, this is a season, preparing me for my next one.

I do not have the same story as yours.
I do have compassion for you and others.
Your story, your testimony, your transformation; it all inspires me.  It gives me hope, pushes me to fight harder.
I thank you!

Your judgment is hurtful and painful to me.
Please think about that the next time you feel the need to do so.
That one person you might judge in the future, and they are witness to it or overhear you, it can be damaging.
Unfortunately for those in their weakness, it can be deadly.
Don't judge!

My faith keeps me in a good place.
I thank my God for that ability to continue to have faith.
Please, don't judge me!

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/18/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/18/2016

#Positive - Celebrated 19 years of marriage to a dedicated husband and father.
#Blessed #Marriage #Dedication #Loyalty #SpencerAndMichelle #19YearsAndCounting #Journey #Family #Support #Strength

#Inspiration - Watching how others are allowing God to work in their lives and even when they have felt lost, and have lost faith, they keep moving forward and believing.

#Season #Testimony #Purpose #Faith

#Grateful - For family, especially my husband.  He has been through so much with me and has always stayed by my side no matter what!  That is a blessing and I hope and pray he truly knows how much I appreciate him and love him for it!

#TrueLove  #Appreciation

A Love Letter To My Husband: Happy 19th Year Wedding Anniversary

I remember that early morning as if it was yesterday.

The words you whispered in my ears still burn like candle wax on my skin.

Not enough to burn, but enough to make me take note and feel wax melt onto my skin.

Enough to feel the message that so needed to be heard, so needed to be answered.

That morning, what seemed so long ago I turned my body towards you, wrapped my arms around your neck, and looked you into your eyes with tears falling down my cheeks and told you that I was afraid.  I told you I didn't know if I had it in me to fight anymore.

As I turned my body away, you took my body and wrapped me within yours, holding me tightly.

You laid your chin in my neck and whispered to me;

"You know I love you, right?"

"We will do whatever we have to do so you can get better!"

"Me and the kids will be fine, we will have to be!"

"I want my wife back!"

"I don't want a shell, I want Michelle back!"

Only people that understand and respect true love could appreciate what those words meant to me.

Time after time, twenty-one years of commitment to each other, nineteen years of marriage, and three beautiful children, you have proved yourself to be the essence of a man of God, and a man of honor, over and over again!

We have had many trials and tribulations throughout our years, yet we have always come through them stronger and wiser.

When I have needed strength, encouragement, and support, you have been front and center.  You have been my number one cheerleader.  Always the quietest, but truly the loudest in spirit.

The biggest gift you have given me these twenty-one years is our three beautiful children.

Actually, that is a lie!  That is the second biggest gift!  The first is your love as their father!

We are truly blessed that you have shown them through love what a Daddy is.

You are a provider, hardworking, tough, supporting, and loving.

You have this relationship with each of the kids that I enjoy watching.

My children are lucky to have a loving Daddy in their lives and I am truly grateful that we together gave them life!

Lastly, I thank God for making you just for me.

He knew exactly what He was doing when He placed us in each other's paths.  We are on a journey right now that might seem difficult, painful, and most of the time impossible with no end at sight.  Please, know this.  Just like you always have had me, just like you have have me, always my knight and shining armor, I also got you!  We got us!  We are nineteen years strong as a married united couple and I love you for life.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he designed you.  He designed you just for me.  You are my anchor.  You are the anchor of our ship, our household.  You, along with my God hold the key to my heart, to my soul and I hold the key to yours, and together we will continue to see the beauty within each other and experience the rest of our lives together the way we are meant to.

HAPPY 19TH YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY LOVE!

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/16/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/16/2016

#Positive - Decided to move a muscle, change a thought.  Remembered what I was told yesterday about behavior that was not healthy for me and actually listened and was/have been productive so far today.

#MoveAMuscleChangeAThought #Focus #Mindfulness #Meditation #Spirituality #Prayer

#Inspiration - Reading past journal and blog writing pieces.  Reflecting about where I was mentally and spiritually, where I am today and the progress I am making everyday.

#ProgressNotPerfection #Journaling #Blogging #SelfReflection

#Grateful - For family.  For strength to continue moving forward, staying positive, and having the will to work through my pain because I know that this is only a season that is preparing me for my next one.  I am being prepared  so I am stronger for my next season.  I have a purpose and my testimony is a part of it.  My job is to have faith! 

#Season #Testimony #Purpose #Journey #Family #Support #Strength #Faith

Releasing Negative Energy

Identifying and feeling emotions are scary.

Not all the time, but sometimes.  Especially when they are negative emotions.

When we experience positive emotions we are quick to share with others without any care if anyone else is concerned to hear, or excited to join in our celebration.

Negative emotions on the other hand are totally the opposite.  While we judge ourselves, we are already wondering if and how others will judge us.

Negative emotions that are directed towards self are the most damning.  They eat away at our insides and the emotions suck up all the positive energy that might be somewhere within, waiting for a chance to be released within the universe of our souls, hoping to have the ability to attach to any negative seeds, wiping out the diseased ones.

So, just as we are quick to share those positive emotions, we must share and release those negative seeds to take away the power of the negative energy.


“It would be easy to become a victim of our circumstances and continue feeling sad, scared or angry; or instead, we could choose to deal with injustice humanely and break the chains of negative thoughts and energies, and not let ourselves sink into it.” 

― Erin Gruwell, The Freedom Writers Diary

Good-Bye to Alcohol

Thursday, 07/09/2015

It is truly sad and unfortunate I have to say good-bye to alcohol.

I have enjoyed hanging out with family and friends and having a few drinks.  Sometimes dancing and reminiscing of fun, good, and fond memories.

Regardless, in order to protect myself from vivid memories, flashbacks, and the need to escape from those and the feelings of guilt, I have used alcohol to escape from it all.

Not all the time.  Sometimes days of no drinking.  Sometimes days of drinking.  All in order to escape.  

In order to continue my path to walk away from feeling like a victim and thinking like a victim and learn to live as a survivor by making healthy decisions, thinking positively about myself; it will only work if I say good-bye to the alcohol.

I have come to realize, even though I have known it for awhile, saying good-bye to alcohol will make my family happy.

They would rather see and hear me crying in fear and sadness without the added effects of alcohol then with the effects of the alcohol.

Alcohol is a depressant.  I am already suffering from severe depression and severe PTSD.  Intellectually I understand I cannot get better if I am not willing to work through the emotions and feel the emotions whether they are feelings of helplessness, fear, or guilt.

I must say good-bye to alcohol because going to sleep to escape is no longer an option.  I have people that are dependent on me.  I have too many things going for me in a positive direction.  I have too much more I want to accomplish. 

Not saying good-bye to alcohol will not allow me to become the survivor I long to be and know that I am capable of being.

Instead of drinking an alcoholic drink when hanging out, I will just enjoy another cool non-alcoholic drink and be mindful of the time I am sharing with ones I love.

Gratitude List - What I am Grateful For Today - 07/09/2015

Thursday, 07/09/2015

Today I am grateful for:

• my husband
• my children
• my sense of volunteering
• my work ethic
• my tenacity to survive
• for excellence and success
• my ambition
• my motivation for a happier, safer, and guilt-free life
• my love of writing that allows me to be self expressive and sometimes help others with my words
• my support system and those that pass no judgement
• not being successful and taking my life multiple times I attempted.