AND THEN AN ANGEL CAME UPON ME!

So, how funny life is.  I had a wonderful time catching with an "old friend!"  I thought so many bad and angry thoughts because we were never able to have closure.  Well, last night, while very sick in bed, we did just that.  While I had believed I was abandoned during one of my greatest time of need, I WAS NOT! 

I was young, we were young. We thought that we were strong.  We believed that we could take on life itself, But, in fact, we could not. 

Last night I was able to say sorry, as well as the other, and I amazingly felt that a brick was lifted off the lost soul that still lived within!

I urge all that I love...sometimes letting go is reconnecting to the past, no matter how painful that past might seem.  You would not believe the comfort, yet peace I am feeling at this time in my life!  Trust and put your heart and your soul...your pain and misery in someone else's hands.  We are not as strong as we pretend to be.  Sometimes, we need a helping hand.  Sometimes we need someone to let us know, we are not lost, we are simply waiting to be found.  We are simply waiting for the confirmation that our life is the way it is because it is the way it should be. 

I thank God (and no, I am not that religious) for letting me know, giving me the sign, giving me the power to let some pain be just that, because that pain does not define me.  That pain in my past does not determine my future.  I am who I am because I am strong.  I am powerful.  I have a purpose that is yet to be reckoned with, but has been heard, understood and waiting to come out of its' shell!

I am somebody that has a heart.  I am somebody that feels the pain, feels the love, feels the joy that is surrounded by me with the thanks of those that love me and accept me for who I am, regardless of my past, regardless of my demons, regardless of my self-doubt.  They are my anchor, they are my backbone when I have lost all hope! 

Thank you!  Love to my unknown God, Love to those that love and support me, you have no idea when you have touched me and pushed me to be that better person!  You all (I hope) know who you are!

Have faith, believe that there is something better out there for you!  Have faith that you are meant for something special!  We all are.  We are all good people and we all need that person to tell us we are special, we are wanted, we are needed, we are somebody!

My Angel...says to me, you are worthy of happiness, you are worthy of success.  You are somebody and just be patient, I will answer your call!...your call to not only help yourself, but your call to help others!

AMEN!

We Must Get Our Priorities Straight! Thank you! You know Who You Are!

The life of a mother!  I remember rolling my eyes, talking under my breath, switching my head back and forth cursing my mother and aunt out (of course behind my bedroom door) because I thought they were complete asses and were in a world of their own. 

THEN I HAD CHILDREN OF MY OWN!

How I know understand why my behind needed a tap!

How I understood why I had to stand up and listen to the endless hours of lectures!

How I understood my Mother and Aunt were working a second and third job raising me and my siblings….yes, we were their second and third job.

Now, as a mother, I am soooooo sorry for all my wrong doings. 

DAMN, I now grieve for what they had to put up with, because I had no idea all the stressors that went into raising children.

Fortunately for me, I was raised by some damn powerful women that gave me the strength to raise children of my own…regardless of how many times I think they need to be choked out!!!

LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH DAMN IT…IT IS FUNNY, because you all know that feeling!

A feeling of love, passion, but my kid needs a home cooking $ss wooping!

Clap your hands if you know what I am talking about!

I sat down with one of my kids school counselors recently.  I confessed, I was done, I was tired, I was tired of wanting more for him than he wanted for himself.  Then I realized, speaking with his college counselor…I wanted more for him.  Yes, did I confuse you…high school child taking AP and college courses together…11^th grade…only 1 class to graduate after 11^th grade…and YES, I AM BRAGGING.

DAMN IT, I DESERVE IT!

PROBLEM! 

Parents, our job is to provide the tools for our children to succeed.  Our job is to excite them for the love of education, overwhelm them with high expectations…I REPEAT, HIGH EXPECTATIONS, and then SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWWWLLLLYYYY step away.

Why, because if you are comfortable with saying you did everything you were supposed to do as a parent to prepare them for their next journey, THEY WILL BE FINE!

YES, THEY WILL BE FINE!  Maybe they will do things differently then what WE would have done, but WE need to  believe they will grow into their own self and be the adult WE prepared them to be!

Thank you to my mother and aunt for kicking my ass, ALL THE TIME I GOT OUT OF LINE!

Thank you to my mother and aunt for accepting nothing less but the best!

Thank you to my mother and aunt for knowing my potentials before I did, helping to foster them and reminding me everyday that my dreams were mine to achieve…my own time, my own way! 

Regardless, nothing less but the best was to be accepted because we are the Kinnebrews!  We are the Kinnebrew Clan, We are the Mills Clan, We are the Jeanniton Clan.  Now we are also the Garrett Clan! 

Hold high expectations and hold your child accountable because they will remember who believed they were better than what they thought of themselves!

Listen family, get your asses involved in the PTSO’s, site base committees, be informed, ask questions and stop asking for anything else other than how can you help my child!

Hey I am saying it because I am tired of people noting it…NOT THE COUNTY….BLACK PEOPLE, MINORITY PEOPLE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! You don’t have to understand English to be involved!  All you have to do is say HELP ME!

I am tired of the bull shit…and bullshit no more!  It is coming out, one way or another!

Parents, ask the questions, because you know I will call you out for inciting BS change vs. you have a stake in your child’s education.

Parents, come out and be informed….you know I am going to support you and get your answers answered, REGARLDESS OF ANY OUTCOME!

TRUST AND BELIIEVE, our children are lost soles with the craziness of the world and are looking to us for guidance.  Let’s be there and ready for them.

Hey, I was that kid that wanted my mom and aunt to STFU, but know understand how powerful their involvement was who I am today!

 

 

 

 

 

Life....GIVE ME A F'n break!

Life!

Ugh!

Life!

Life gives us a purpose.

Life gives us a reason to live.

Life, unfortunately does not give us time to take in what life has been so faithful to give.

We do not have infinite time to take in what life has given us.

We live life day by day, all eyes watching.  All eyes watching EVERY mistake, EVERY accomplishment one has taken.

We live life day by day, ready to take on the new day with hopes of making it our best, one to be thankful for, one to have meaning, one to have purpose.

We live life day by day, you never know what day is your last.

You never know what day you have been called.

Live life day by day, to the fullest, to the extreme…the extreme of leaving that imprint.  The imprint of who you are, what you stand for, what you want to be remembered for.

Live life day by day!

Life, ugh????

Life, OMG, I love the life I am living!

You are the only one that decides how you live your life.

Figure it out….quick, because time DOES NOT STAND STILL!

We move, we move.

We move so fast, our breaths cannot keep pace with or own.

We move so fast, we need to be ready.

We move so fast that we need to put a stop to the clock and take in what life has to offer and truly take in all the wonderful things life has to offer.  It is up to us to understand what role we play in the game of life!

I AM!

My pulse is racing.

I am a cheetah running miles faster than my heartbeat can catch up to.

I am that lioness, armed and geared, ready to take on anyone and anything that threatens my pack.

I am a twig, one that breaks when the weather is too much to handle according to Mother Nature.

I am the fierce wind that engulfs all in its path and I don’t hold back, regardless of what’s is ahead.

I am that light at the end of the tunnel that reminds me there is a way out.

I am ….I am….

What am I?

Who am I?

I am…

Let it out,

Let it out,

The pain held so deep within, the pain that resurrects the true me is so wanting to escape.

The pain held so deep within wants and searches for an outlet.

An outlet of acceptance,

An outlet of inner peace.

The Hell I have been living, deep within is eating pieces of me away, bite by bite, gulp by gulp, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. 

I need a release.

This can’t be how life was meant to play out for me. 

Memories, painful memories eating away at me, slowly killing me.

I need a release.

I need to feel.

I need to feel the happiness.

I need to feel the pain.

Until I release the pain from my being, I am not and will not be at peace.

I thought,

Yes, I thought.

I thought I was cured from all the insanities of this world.

I thought I was cured from the pain brought onto me.

I thought I was cured from all of my insecurities, all my doubts, but I must have been fooled.

That is the story of my life.  

Wishful thinking?

Wishful beliefs of a better life to be?

When and how will the pain disappear?

Hmmmm, when I accept my past.

When I accept it is what it is and I am in control of how I allow it to control me! 

 I am in control!

We often forget how strong we are.  We often forget that we hold ourselves at a higher standard than others.  It is the self-expectations that enable us to  fight through all the pain, all the agony, all the bullshit that provides us with excuses of why, how and should of and could of.  It is these times that our subconscious helps us decide that we are bigger than, better than those self-expectations.  We hold these self-expectations as our bible because sometimes…it is the only thing that keeps us fighting for survival.  It is these expectations that keep us breathing.  It is the only thing that reminds us that we are human and we make mistakes, but our mistakes do not and should not determine our destiny.  It is our goals and aspirations that will push us to the next level of success.   It is our support system that will remind us we are imperfect and that the imperfections are what guides us to push ourselves just a little more, a little harder, enough to cross over that road block.

 I am that fierce cheetah running faster than my heartbeat can catch up to.  I am a fierce lioness protecting its pack.  I am the wind that engulfs all in its path and doesn’t hold back, regardless of what is ahead.  I am that light at the end of the tunnel that reminds me there is a way out!

Why, because it allows me to weather the storms and survive through them, no matter how fierce they are.  It allows me the view of a better me because what is life without goals, dreams and aspirations of being better than?  Why?  Keep asking yourself and don’t stop until you feel the answer within, pounded in your temples, your heart, each and every bone and muscle.  Keep asking yourself, you will be amazed!

This is what keeps me going every day. 

I remember I am whatever I want myself to be!

I am!

I Define Me!

It is just one of those days when I am feeling all so good!

It is just one of those days when I feel like I am somebody!

It is just one of those days when I feel like I can make a difference, I have a purpose!

I take this opportunity for others that are feeling low today to grab on and attach themselves to somebody else’s happiness.

It is one of those days that I believe that others can have a positive impact on each and every one of us…if we want it to.

We all go through our up and downs, but there is a higher being that keeps us going throughout the darkness that engulfs our every sense of self!

It is one of those days that I have let go of all my insecurities, all the pain, all of the barriers that have held me prisoner in my own mind.

Who are others to define who I am?

I define myself…as my cousin has labeled her social media networks…

I define my successes, my failures, my road to happiness!

I define my reason for living.

If you don’t like it, step the hell back!

You do not define me as I am too much in control of my destiny.

I am the light that burns so fiercely beneath my wings!

I am the light that entraps others to join in my fight to everlasting happiness.

I am the light.

Stop me, fight me, try, just try to hold me back!

You will lose as I am the one and only one that defines me!

Uplift me, hold me and embrace me!

Give me the strength to appreciate and love the person I have become, because I am fierce!

Call as you may, because you do not define me!

I define all aspects of my being and I am all too powerful once I embrace the being I am meant to be.

You know not know of my past, you may assume, because assuming makes an ass of you and me!

You may not know of my past, but trust and believe, I will surprise you, each one of you and each and every time. 

I am the true definition of success.

Why?

Because I define me!

I define my place on this Earth.  Mother Nature dislikes competition, so you know this is a fight to the end.

This is a fight for survival, my survival, survival to be at peace, survival to be one with myself.

No competition because I am only competing with myself to become the best woman that MY higher being has challenged me to be!

I define me, not you!  If you are not in my support circle, stop, back-up and run.  Run away, far and fast because your non-support is nothing but a deterrent, and “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!”

I define that!  Support or back up!

I define that! 

I define me!

I define where I should be at this very moment, each and every moment, no regrets, no questions, NOTHING! 

I DEFINE ME!

Never too Late to Say Thank You for All the Support!

As I get older and wiser (hahahaha, yeah right!), I realize all of the wonderful people I have in my life. Those that lift me up in my times of sorrow and despair and hold no judgment! I realize that I am a work in progress and as the seasons pass, I get riper and sweeter, each morning as the sun rises! HOT DAMN! I realize that those that surround me are the nutrients that sustain me! I realize those that surround me are those that accept me for who I am, regardless of all my F’d up actions and thought processes. I realize I am surrounded with love and support and I MUST HOLD onto this in order to survive life, as destiny has been already determined! ???! QUESTION MARK, ALL CAPS!!! I must remember that even though I have no control over destiny, I am a factor in my end game plan. I will end up where I should be because it is simply the way it should be! HOWEVER, if that plan does not look good to me, STOP, HALT, HOLD UP PEEPS, we are back to the drawing board because I will NOT settle for anything but the best, anything but the end result of my life aspirations, my dreams, my hopes….hence, I will not settle, not one day in life…each day I will challenge myself and push myself to the goal of self-actualization, YES, self-actualization! Why, because that is who I am!!! I am a hot mess, I am one to be reckoned with, I am loyal, dedicated and ambitious. I sleep, dream and daydream success…why, because without dreaming success, who are you? What are you? What makes you and what defines you? Day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second? What takes you to the next level of defining who you are and what you stand for?

In The Moment

As I begin a new journey in my life I am trying to take a few moments and really enjoy the moment.  I realize that stopping to enjoy the moment at any given time is going to be what keeps me going forward.  Being in the moment and enjoying it will help me remember why I am doing it Being in the moment will bring the original excitement  back when the days become night and the nights become days and I am still in the grind of getting it all done.  The excitement might fade at times, but being in the moment will lighten up the darkness that likes to creep up on us unexpectedly.   Being in the moment will help me wipe the tears away find my inner strength to keep it moving.

New journeys, new beginnings, walking a different path, going outside the box, having faith that I am worthy of new opportunities, so exciting, so inspiring, so uplifting and so what is needed at this very moment in my life.

Enjoying the moment when my kids, husband, family and friends tell me they are proud of me and are there for me when I need them, speechless.  Definitely motivation and powerful when the confidence lacks or I am too overwhelmed with all the craziness going on in my life. 

When the tears come and I ask myself what the hell was I thinking, getting back in the moment quickly reminds me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I decided to take this journey because the end result was long awaited. 

I had to get to a point in my life when my words were no longer words I wrote or spoke to others.  There is never anything wrong with being supportive to others, but I needed to feel those words for myself.

I needed to believe the words I wrote and spoke!  I could not and will not be helpful to others if I failed to take care of myself.  

I needed to first uplift my spirits! 

I needed to motivate myself!   

My words had to have meaning to me.  I needed to believe I was worthy of something more.  I needed to believe I was worthy of accepting my next role in life. 

I needed to understand that the path I was so afraid to take was the path that was meant for me, just waiting to be traveled on when I was ready. 

The path was waiting to be walked on by me, only when I became confident in my abilities, confident in being that person I have grown to be.  That path, filled with so many roadblocks, put there just for me.  I am only given what I can handle.

Taking this journey has already brought so many raw and painful memories.  I remember clearly the path that led me on the road I am now traveling.  Now, years older and wiser I can appreciate all of the trials and tribulations.  I am okay with how I ended on the road I traveled for so many years and know that I am who I am because of it.  I am taking this journey because I am stronger and I want something more. 

I am in the moment.  I am in the moment, staying connected to my emotions and appreciating the journey, appreciating the path that appears so smooth with no footprints to follow, except the footprints that I will leave.  I am leaving my footprints on this path and it will be one so worth watching and traveling with.

I am in the moment with appreciation for those that are and have been supportive.  I am in the moment and I am going to enjoy each and every second, minute, hour and day.  When I am overwhelmed, it is that moment I will escape to and regroup, get in touch with my emotions and when necessary, make changes accordingly and continue on the path that was meant just for me!

In the moment because I am ready to get to the next level!

Yes, This is Me - A Hot Damn Mess, BUT at Peace!

We are a little under (2) weeks before my 37^th birthday…and all I can say is oh shit!  I am in a mood of some kind…I am happy, sad, confused, anxious and most importantly, excited!  I am excited because despite all of the obstacles I have endured…the last year is the most free I have felt in a LONG time!  This is the first time in a long time I can truly sit back and say I am focused on me, Michelle Gail Jeanniton-Garrett!  Good or bad, it is all about me!

The funny thing, while I am focused on me, most of my focus this past year, with preparation for the next years has been on my children, my husband…the family.  I am who I am because of the path that I chose, the road I walked…with all of the roadblocks, and bullshit that has been thrown at me.  I am where I am, who I am because of all of that!  And I say, thank you!  You have made me stronger, you have made me who I am because of it!

Anyway…let’s get down to some real business, some real shit, some shit that might burn your eyes, might chase you across the police lines!

I am on a journey to success.  Not sure where this might lead me, but I know exactly where I want to be, when I want to be, and why I want to be!  I am fierce!  I am ready!  I am in position to be the best I can be when it is my time, when I am ready, and how I am ready to execute, my fierceness! ARE YOU READY?  Sucks to be you, because I am ready!  I am ready to accept myself with all my imperfections, with all of my flaws, all of my scars, all of my unwanted “whatever the hell you want to call it today!”  I am ready!
 

Over the last month, I have been cleansing my home…closet by closet, cloth by cloth, memory by memory!  I have been cleansing myself!  I have been cleansing myself of all my should of, could of, would of bullshit excuses!  I have been cleansing myself and damn, watch out, look out, it has unleashed this fierce force to be reckoned with!  Release!  Execute!  Be one with one’s self! 

I am tired, so tired, but today…I have taken a pledge to take one day at a time and accept where I am at this moment, my circumstances are my circumstances…where, why and how I am at this point in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment!

Trust, I am only beginning to develop and grow into the flower that the seed that has been planted on my behalf!  Someone, something knew that I had a purpose.  Someone, something knew, just knew that this one seed was special…call me conceited, call me whatever you want…I am just beginning to grow into my own…watch out, I have yet to showcase what and how I can be what I was meant to be…I have a purpose, except me for who I am, love me for who I am, all of my imperfections…I am me…I am you, just traveled a different road to get to the same place! 

I close my eyes, I take a deep breath, I dream, I smile, I remember the dreams of the child within and I remind her, it is possible, it is simply in your own time.  We all have a purpose, we all have a meaning.  What is YOUR meaning?  DAMN!!!!  That is the question!

I graduated a year early…I am a graduate of no graduation class.  I am a graduation class of my own!  I  will decide where I stand...Class of ’93 or ‘ 94???  Hell I am both….Now I sit back and see where I stand…SHIT, as of (2) days ago, they could not find my transcript!  WTF!!!!

Anyway, as of a month ago, I have decided, I am a nomad….I am without, I am not part of the class of 1993 of 1994, never was accepted or liked…truly loved and liked by either, except by a few.  Hell, truth be told, didn't your parents always remind you that your true friends could be counted on one hand???  Well I know who you all are! - Let's be real, there is a difference of friends and acquaintances, I am a grown ass woman, you are grown ass people, no feelings hurt here!  Remember, "AFRO," "Haitian," "Oreo," "White Girl" and any other fucked up name calling, teasing and constant bullying that was thrown at me on a daily basis???...peace be with all…I will note in my children’s keepsake, I am a graduate of 1993 & 1994….whomever will accept me….

For all my real peeps…peace be with you…you know how to reach me if you so choose…In the benefit of my children…I am out of here!  Hasta luego, hasta la vista, peace be with you!  If you are my true friend, we will continue our true conversations offline!  XOXOXOXO...YES, I AM FUCKED UP!!!  BACK UP, FUCK OFF,. I AM VENTING...SHIT, I AM HUMAN!!!!

Distress Tolerance - Ready? Because I am A Diva!!!

Through all of my ups and downs in life, I often reflect how and why I am where I am at this very moment.  At times these moments seem to sneak up on me without warning.  Other times, I see the crash miles ahead before impact.  I simply choose to ignore the warning signs because I have reached a point of self-destruction and I am ready to fight all the way, knowing too damn well that I have no chance in hell in winning.  Mission, total self-destruction!

The moments of total self-destruct mode are usually foreseeable.  The question is whether I want to be saved or would rather fall at the hands of my own hands of destruction.  So, over the last few weeks, I have been at my lowest.  I have been hurt by deception.  I have been hurt because I have forgotten who was more important and have used so much energy to help others instead of saving myself.  I have lost sight of the prize.  I have forgotten that I cannot change others, but only have the power to change myself, my actions and how I see and deal with things.  I have purposely kept myself busy volunteering and being there for others in order to ignore my own imperfections.  I have refused to deal with my demons.  I have chosen to put myself in situations that could put me in harms way, could destroy me and what I have going for myself.  I have been in full self-destruction mode.  Some have known and have been in the background waiting to catch me if I fall…simply waiting, THANK YOU!  YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL!

So, in this “life changing” moment, I started doing this massive cleaning and re-organization of my household.  Room by room, closet by closet, I decided…”I will get my shit together.”  Over the years whenever I went through this manic overhauling of my home, it usually meant that I was in this deadly down spiral of self-termination.  The goal was always to clean house, organize and make everything transparent for anyone that might have to go through my worldly possessions to help my husband sort through my life.

DON’T WORRY – DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE RIGHT NOW!!!!

The difference?  Why should others not be worried?  Simple!  I am too in love with myself, who I am, where I came from, where I am now and all of the beautiful things in my life…husband, children and family and friends that have accepted me through all my craziness and self-destructive behavior!  Yes, I will accept the title others have given me…I AM A DIVA!  I am too damn important to be rid of too soon.  I have a purpose on this precious earth and you have yet to see the wrath of fiery I have set forth on it.  ALL POSITIVE!  I love change.  I love rebellion.  With rebellion comes a look into ourselves for what needs to change.

Anyhow, part of my fall from grace this past few weeks (my husband and close friends know all too well what the hell I am talking about) has been me re-evaluating where I was, where I have come from, how I got through it, and how I am where I am where I am because of all of it.  I have been of witness to others that suffer from depression and I want to share some distress tolerance tools I learned and have had to re-learn over the last few weeks.  HOPE IT WORKS because like you, I am a work at progress.  NO REGRETS, NO SHAME, NO EMBARRASSMENT!  If you cannot and won’t accept me for who I am, you are NOT WORTHY OF KNOWING ME AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP.  YOUR LOSS, BECAUSE I AM GOING TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF, HOPE YOU ARE WORTHY OF MY FRIENDSHIP AND NOT ONE THAT HAS CAST STONES!!!  WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES!!!

DISTRESS TOLERANCE (learned from YEARS OF INTENSE THERAPY & found in my keepsakes while “re-organizing”)

·         Learning to bare pain effectively

o   Tolerate your emotions

o   ACCEPT

§  Accept your environment as it is without putting demands on it

·         Radical acceptance

·         You can’t change the environment

·         Harping on it can cause misery and sadness

o   To experience your current emotional state without attempting to change it

o   Avoiding feelings can cause it to build up

o   Avoid suppression!

o   Avoid fighting!

o   Tolerate it!

o   The more you avoid the feeling, the more it builds

o   Observe your own thoughts and emotions without attempting to stop the control of them

o   Acceptance of reality DOES NOT EQUAL the approval of reality

o   Emotions and tolerating feelings WILL NOT KILL YOU

o   Acting on emotions and feelings CAN CAUSE HARM

§  BARE THE PAIN!

§  RIDE THE WAVE!

§  ACCEPT THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING – RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!

o   Accepting acceptance DOES NOT approve reality

o   Once you accept reality (the environment) you can then constructively behave and use the skills most beneficial for the new reality.  You are ready to prioritize and problem solve

§  NO – LIFE IS FAIR

§  YES – LIFE IS WHAT IT IS

o   When you feel life is not fair, misery decreases because you don’t take it personally.  Your expectations decrease

o   When you fight an emotion, the emotion wins

o   We all have little control of what is going on in the environment

For all those reading this blog…pass judgment if you so feel necessary.  This was NOT written for you.  It was written for me, for my continued self-therapy and self-growth because I have decided my life is important and I am not ready to rid life of me!  I have the will to live, sometimes and some days it is simply much harder to work past all of my hurt and pain endured for years prior.  I am only in control of myself and your perception, your opinion is not important if you are not a factor in me staying and becoming healthy.  As long as those in my life have accepted me for all my imperfections and are willing to ride the wave with me, I am just fine.  Hope you have been able to take what I have written and use it to help yourself if needed!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

My Self-Therapy

Some people wonder why I write about certain topics.  I do so because I love to write and writing is my emotional release and a tool I have used.

If I stopped and always worried about what others thought of me, I would be lost.  Being like everyone else never got me anywhere.  I have often been described as:  outspoken with a matter of fact attitude who is a leader and not a follower.  This is exactly who I am.  Yet, I choose to try to be humble, appreciative and understanding of others.  I do not like to pre-judge and I like to walk my own walk, toot my own horn and make my own footprints that others might one day follow. 

Therefore, I write from my heart.  I write so I can continue to help myself revolve.  I write because my words might touch someone that will allow them to also make their own footprints that others might one day follow. 

So, if you are wondering why I write what I write about, DON'T!  AND DON'T JUDGE NEGATIVELY!  Simply enjoy, appreciate and open your eyes and hearts to those around you!

Have a wonderful day, because I am feeling blessed.  I am feeling good.  I am feeling like someone gave me a shot of self-love, self-motivation and a sense of self-peace.  Something I have been in need for and have been fighting for, and today it is here!  XOXOXO

Today I Feel Good

What do you do when you are feeling down?

What do you do when your thoughts are overwhelming and you can't keep the memories away?

What do you do?

We each do things differently.

No room for judgment, simple understanding and respect that each person handles their pain, their struggles differently.

Today, I have been awake most of the night, fully awake since early this morning.  At times pacing back and forth in my room.

Today, I woke up my children, with a very calm voice.  Their refusal to wake after the 2nd time did not get my pressure up.  I went to them the 3rd time and told them they needed to get it together, stated in a calm voice.

I started cleaning and organizing.

I started planning my day.

Today, like most of my days, I take each day and celebrate it.

Today, I reflect and thank God for all of the glory in my life.  My situation might seem to be bad at this very moment, but someone has gotten it worse.  I am thankful for what I do have and who I do have in my life!

Today, I reflect and appreciate that I am here and I am surrounded by those that love me and work with me through my struggles, no judgment, only support.

Today, I refuse to lay in the bed and feel sorry for myself.

Today, I challenge myself to be productive for myself, not for others.  I remember that I cannot be of service to anyone else if I do not take care of me.

Today, I meditate, breathing in all life has to offer and continue another day as a survivor, another day as a strong woman who has a purpose.

Today, I feel good.  It is early and I have things to do!  Things to do to continue to make me feel good!  Today, I feel good!

A Moment

A moment of peace,

A moment of calmness,

A moment of self-understanding,

A moment of self-acceptance,

A moment of self-love.

How beautiful that feeling is.

From deep within, penetrating every part of my being,

It is one of those days I am so in love with myself,

The feeling is so intense, I have satisfied myself, no help needed, because self-love is stronger than no other.

It is one of those days I am at peace.

It is one of those days I take in what life has to offer.

It is one of those days I love the view from where I am standing.

It is one of those days when I believe in who I am, believe in what I can give, believe I have a purpose.

Those days sometimes seem a million miles away, but today, I can feel it so deep within, call it prideful, call it sinful, call it what you may, I am alive at this moment.

I am happy at this moment.

I am satisfied who I am at this moment,

Nothing anyone can say at this very moment will take that feeling away.

Funny thing about it, the happiness is simply an appreciation for what I have at this moment in my life.  The people, the love, the joy of seeing my successes in the children I birthed, seeing that I am a proud momma, I am a proud wife.  If there are any successes that can overcome any failure that I might have felt, they are no longer.

The wind blows the negativity away,

The rain washes the sins away,

The sun shines through the grayness that encompasses the darkness that strangles me.

Out of the darkness I rise,

Out of the darkness I have surrendered,

Out of the darkness I have released the little girl from within,

I have rocked her,

I have wiped the tears away,

I have washed the sins away that she has held deep down within.

I am at peace because I am calm,

I have self-understanding and self-acceptance because I have self-love.

How do we overcome the pain day after day?

We don’t, it is impossible to run from it every day, we forgive, but never forget

We remind ourselves that forgiveness releases the demons from within.

Forgiveness is for our own self-preservation.

Forgiveness is our own rise to redemption

Today I have overcome the pain because I have allowed myself to forgive.

The memories, the pain will return.
 
At those times I must remember to care for the child that is within in so much pain.

I must rise out of the darkness, let the sun shine on my body.

I must let the tears run down my face, let the water drip from my body as I release the pain deep from within.

I must forgive because I enjoy being at peace, I enjoy the feeling of calmness, I enjoy the feeling of self-understanding, I enjoy the feeling of self-acceptance, I enjoy the feeling of self-love.

I must forgive to allow myself happiness, because the feeling I have today is so precious (with a tear of happiness falling from my chin, true happiness showing deep from within, showing through my eyes and my smile).  Yes, I did good today!

Yes, I said it...SUCK IT UP, I AM WHO I AM !!!!

What makes us the person that we have become?

Is it the happy moments in our life?

Is it the painful moments in our life?

Is it the trials and tribulations that we have endured to this point?

What makes us the person that we have become?

It is all the happy moments!

It is all the painful moments!

I am the person I have become because I have walked the many miles it has taken to get me to the point I am at today.

I am the person I have become because I have smiled the many smiles that have crossed my face.

I am the person I have become because I have cried the many tears that flowed down my face.

I am the person I have become because I have loved so hard, so deep, so passionately.

I am the person I have become because I have endured more than one should, but I kept my head high and proven integrity and self-love is the cure for hatred spewed unto me.

I am!

I am!

I am the little girl within that has said enough is enough, love ones’ self, love the devil, because even the devil himself needs someone to love him!

Be the bigger person, be the better person, show how love can cure hatred.

Take those arms, wrap them around thyself, breathe deep, breathe hard, take in the love that surrounds you and remember you are loved.

Remember, you are special. 

Remember, you have a purpose.

Remember, you are the only one that controls your destiny.

Do not allow someone else to steal your joy.

Do not allow someone to rob you of who you are.

Remember, you have to love yourself first.  How do you expect someone to love you more than you love yourself?

Sometimes I stand in the shower, holding on tight to the walls, trying to cleanse myself of the poison.  Praying and crying that the sins of my past will rinse away, down the drain, never to be found again. 

I have scrubbed all the secrets away. 

I have scrubbed all the sins away.

I have scrubbed all the hurt and pain away.

There is no evidence.  It all went down the drain.

I have cleansed my soul.

I have cleansed my pain away.

I have cleansed my demons away.

I open my eyes, almost closed shut tight with all the tears.

I open my eyes, grateful for a new beginning.

The beginning I gave myself.

The beginning I allowed myself.

I cannot and will not expect others to save me.

I will have the will to rise myself out of the pits of self-pity.

There is NO ROOM FOR SELF PITY!

Get on your feet girl!

Love yourself girl!

Embrace the life you have been given/dealt!

You are stronger than all of that!

You must laugh in the face of defeat, because defeat is temporary!

You own this!

You own this life!

Your life is what you make it, sink or swim baby!

SUCK IT UP AND TAKE A STAND!

TAKE A STAND AS THE ONE WHO DEFEATS ALL REGARDLESS OF ALL THE OBSTACLES!

YOU ARE MICHELLE

YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR SELF PITY BECAUSE THE PARTY MUST GO ON!

LET’S GO PEOPLE, I DO NOT STAND FOR SELF DEFEAT!

I STAND FOR PRIDE, WISDON AND PASSION!

I STAND FOR SELF LOVE!

I STAND FOR “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!”

SUCK IT UP, ACCEPT YOU WERE GIVEN A RAW DEAL AND YOU HAVE OVERCOME!

SUCK IT UP, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!

SUCK IT UP, YOUR TIME WILL COME WHEN IT IS MEANT TO BE!

SUCK IT UP, MOVE ON AND GET T STEPPIN’!

I AM READY FOR BATTLE!

I AM READY TO BE CHALLENGED!

I AM READY TO TAKE A STAND  FOR “DON’T FUCK WITH ME CUZ I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BITCHES THAT BRING ME DOWN, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SELF PITY BECAUSE I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF I ONLY HAVE ROOM FOR OTHER LOVERS, NO HATERS!

CALL ME CONCEITED, CALL ME PRIDEFUL, CALL ME BITCH, SO BE IT, EAT UP!  NOT ENOUGH FOR HATERS, I KEEP HATERS CLOSE BECAUSE THOSE THAT TRULY LOVE ME WILL SHINE THROUGH IN THE DARKNESS!

I HAVE AWOKEN.  I HAVE UNDERSTOOD I MUST LOVE MYSELF BEFORE ANYONE ELSE CAN LOVE ME!

I HAVE AWAKENED…OHHHH SHITTTT!!!