There are not many times or days lately that I feel at peace.
My days (for the last year and a half) come and go, and sometimes I lose track of time.
It is those moments when I am grounded and I am mindful of what is going on positively in my life that I pray for and am happy to be in!
It is those moments when I can feel a little bit of freedom from the devil trying to take my glory away.
The fact is that the devil is only allowed to be in your life it you allow him to be.
So I take the love from those that surround me and hold me tight and I remember that I am loved. I remember that I have a purpose and that I will be okay at the end of it all.
Not sure when this ending will be...
I remind myself that the fight is one that will continue for awhile.
I have a lot of trauma to work through.
My trauma has been years...it will not work itself out overnight.
I no longer take for granted the people and things around me that make me feel good.
I no longer take for granted that I am as vulnerable as I allow myself to be.
I no longer take for granted that there are just a lot of the devil's demons roaming around, trying to take GOD's glory.
Everyday I wake, I am thankful for waking up.
I am thankful that I was able to fight the demons away and I was able to survive another night.
There are nights when I hold my husband tight and without him knowing completely why, he holds me tighter, reminding me that he is my rock and he is there for me, he is my support, my backbone, especially when there are nights I cannot bare the pain any longer.
Those nights when I wake from a nightmare, I hold my husband tight, waiting for him to turn to hold me tighter.
He whispers in my ear that he is there for me and I am safe.
I love that Man I call my husband! He is my rock! He is my Knight and Shining Armour! He always has been and he continues to be.
I pray for his continued strength everyday, because he needs it. He has earned it.
He cries for me.
He tires for me.
He fights for me to keep pushing through when I can no longer do so on my own!
It is those moments, my darkest moments that I remember how wonderful that the belief that their is light at the end of the tunnel that it becomes real for me!
I am lucky!
I am so lucky and remember how life becomes wonderful with the belief their is a light when I have someone holding that light for me and won't let go until I can get through that dark place trying so hard to keep me under!
Thank you!
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
The Devil's Paradise
When the darkness comes, the darkness from within looks for its escape,
Looking for its chance to send frightening chills throughout the body.
All bets are off once the eyelids shut as the devils paradise opens for the daily carnival.
The Ferris wheel represents the thrusts of his body moving in and out of me continuously, only stopping to change positions, the same as unloading new riders.
The popcorn machine represents the sweat dripping on my body and the butter, the sweat that accumulates in my groin area after hours of intrusion.
The roller coaster, representation of the forced oral that I cannot resist unless I welcome strikes to the face or stomach, maybe a strong choke hold.
The swings are my flashbacks, from past incidents that also choose to take hold of my mind, even during another encounter against my will.
The merry-go-round doesn't stop in my mind because the alcohol with mixture of a strange substance makes my head feel like I am turning in circles...
The only difference is in the devil's paradise, the merry-go-round goes faster and faster, to the point that the faster it goes, the horses start flying off...
Those horses are parts of my mind, parts of my being, withered away...piece by piece, each interaction, the merry-go-round goes faster.
The devil's paradise tries hard to take over the carnival. It loves to be in action, even when the eyelids struggle to stay open.
The devil is looking for anyway to get in, in order to invade my body and soul.
Everyday I struggle with the battle within.
There are times when the battle seems a loss, one I am at a loss with no signs of a chance to survive.
When I close my eyes, I fear the devil hanging out and playing in its designed carnival, without any regard as to whether I want to play or not.
Instead of a carnival, I need to change the darkness of the devil to the light of my higher being.
The light within my eyelids that drown in the sounds of nature, fresh air, fresh smell of nature, clear sounds of nature, seagulls talking to each other, the sound of the ocean waves, the sounds of peace, calmness, me relaxing, not making me tight and ready to explode.
The devils paradise is NOT my paradise.
I will NOT let the devil's paradise take over MY paradise.
I will find my paradise, in time I will...
My paradise will help me become a better person.
My paradise will one day be my paradise, only my paradise.
One with no room for the devil having the ability to enter and consume any piece of my energy.
My paradise will be beautiful.
My paradise will be strong.
My paradise will be filled with plenty of courageous energy.
My paradise will be one with self-loving, self-worthiness, and self-respect energy.
My paradise is no longer going to be the devil's paradise.
I stake my claim in my paradise with no room to entertain the devil.
THIS IS MY PARADISE!
Looking for its chance to send frightening chills throughout the body.
All bets are off once the eyelids shut as the devils paradise opens for the daily carnival.
The Ferris wheel represents the thrusts of his body moving in and out of me continuously, only stopping to change positions, the same as unloading new riders.
The popcorn machine represents the sweat dripping on my body and the butter, the sweat that accumulates in my groin area after hours of intrusion.
The roller coaster, representation of the forced oral that I cannot resist unless I welcome strikes to the face or stomach, maybe a strong choke hold.
The swings are my flashbacks, from past incidents that also choose to take hold of my mind, even during another encounter against my will.
The merry-go-round doesn't stop in my mind because the alcohol with mixture of a strange substance makes my head feel like I am turning in circles...
The only difference is in the devil's paradise, the merry-go-round goes faster and faster, to the point that the faster it goes, the horses start flying off...
Those horses are parts of my mind, parts of my being, withered away...piece by piece, each interaction, the merry-go-round goes faster.
The devil's paradise tries hard to take over the carnival. It loves to be in action, even when the eyelids struggle to stay open.
The devil is looking for anyway to get in, in order to invade my body and soul.
Everyday I struggle with the battle within.
There are times when the battle seems a loss, one I am at a loss with no signs of a chance to survive.
When I close my eyes, I fear the devil hanging out and playing in its designed carnival, without any regard as to whether I want to play or not.
Instead of a carnival, I need to change the darkness of the devil to the light of my higher being.
The light within my eyelids that drown in the sounds of nature, fresh air, fresh smell of nature, clear sounds of nature, seagulls talking to each other, the sound of the ocean waves, the sounds of peace, calmness, me relaxing, not making me tight and ready to explode.
The devils paradise is NOT my paradise.
I will NOT let the devil's paradise take over MY paradise.
I will find my paradise, in time I will...
My paradise will help me become a better person.
My paradise will one day be my paradise, only my paradise.
One with no room for the devil having the ability to enter and consume any piece of my energy.
My paradise will be beautiful.
My paradise will be strong.
My paradise will be filled with plenty of courageous energy.
My paradise will be one with self-loving, self-worthiness, and self-respect energy.
My paradise is no longer going to be the devil's paradise.
I stake my claim in my paradise with no room to entertain the devil.
THIS IS MY PARADISE!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Why?
I often ask myself what I did to deserve everything that has happened to me in the past.
I often ask myself why was I chosen to be the one another would want to take advantage of of to hurt.
I often have wondered if I was the cause of the many misfortunes of my life.
I often wonder.
At the same time, I realize what could of, should of, and would of is just that.
The past cannot be changed, on the way I acccept the past.
However, regardless of my lack of self-confidence, regardless of believing, I deserve positivity, my past haunts me!
Before I even wake, my mind is racing, I am raped in my nightmare, until my body becomes strong enough to wake itself up.
When I wake, the world around me sees so closed in.
From deep within, my body wants to scream, wants to explode, wants to cry out all the aggravation, sadness, and fear.
Deep down inside I know I am not to blame.
Deep down inside I know I am a good person.
Deep down inside I know I deserve love, affection, and respect.
Why do I question, why?
Why do I question whether or not I am to blame?
Why do I question whether or not I am worthy of love and respect?
We must not question what we are and who we have become.
We must learn that we have love and support all around us and need to learn to accept what has and is being offered.
We must learn to trust in ourselves and believe in ourselves.
In order to feel whole, we need, we must love ourselves!
I often ask myself why was I chosen to be the one another would want to take advantage of of to hurt.
I often have wondered if I was the cause of the many misfortunes of my life.
I often wonder.
At the same time, I realize what could of, should of, and would of is just that.
The past cannot be changed, on the way I acccept the past.
However, regardless of my lack of self-confidence, regardless of believing, I deserve positivity, my past haunts me!
Before I even wake, my mind is racing, I am raped in my nightmare, until my body becomes strong enough to wake itself up.
When I wake, the world around me sees so closed in.
From deep within, my body wants to scream, wants to explode, wants to cry out all the aggravation, sadness, and fear.
Deep down inside I know I am not to blame.
Deep down inside I know I am a good person.
Deep down inside I know I deserve love, affection, and respect.
Why do I question, why?
Why do I question whether or not I am to blame?
Why do I question whether or not I am worthy of love and respect?
We must not question what we are and who we have become.
We must learn that we have love and support all around us and need to learn to accept what has and is being offered.
We must learn to trust in ourselves and believe in ourselves.
In order to feel whole, we need, we must love ourselves!
Is It Over Yet?
My eyelids shut and darkness takes over
Not the darkness of the skies, but darkness of my soul, darkness of my heart
The memories, so dark, so painful, so vivid
the memories, unbearable to the mind, yet so clear and real
Feels like it is happening again at this very moment
Each thrust, deeper and harder than the one before
No enjoyment, just pain and sense of no control
Each bead of sweat dripping onto me
No enjoyment, just sense of dirty and sense of no control
When it becomes unbearable and the fighting back just makes it worse, I lay there, still, and pretend to be somewhere else, someone else
I close my eyes.
I pretend I am not there
Yet, the more I follow his every command, the harder, the more rough it becomes
Yet, I pretend I am not here.
He tells me I am his girlfriend,
When I tell him no, it hurts more.
He forces his fingers in between mine to intertwine with mine.
I can't release the old, and he holds me down even harder.
He whispers in my ear, "you're my bitch, repeat it."
I refuse to repeat it and it becomes even more painful.
He reminds me in his condescending voice that if I choose to make the choice to submit, it won't hurt as much.
He reminds me in his condescending voice that I have the power of this situation.
Either submit and don't resist and he won't have to force me. He won't have to threaten me or put my video or pictures online for everyone to see.
I submit, tired of fighting
I submit, tired of being afraid of the choice, hit in the face, or hit in the stomach, and wondering what is to happen next.
When it is over I lay there, not moving, entire body trembling in pain, fear, anxiety, and sadness.
He is quick to tell me if I was a good girlfriend, a good whore, his good sex slave.
I slowly come back completely in the present, in total disbelief that it has once again happened.
I dress, still trembling, it is all over for now, hopefully he is done with me this time...hopefully...
Not the darkness of the skies, but darkness of my soul, darkness of my heart
The memories, so dark, so painful, so vivid
the memories, unbearable to the mind, yet so clear and real
Feels like it is happening again at this very moment
Each thrust, deeper and harder than the one before
No enjoyment, just pain and sense of no control
Each bead of sweat dripping onto me
No enjoyment, just sense of dirty and sense of no control
When it becomes unbearable and the fighting back just makes it worse, I lay there, still, and pretend to be somewhere else, someone else
I close my eyes.
I pretend I am not there
Yet, the more I follow his every command, the harder, the more rough it becomes
Yet, I pretend I am not here.
He tells me I am his girlfriend,
When I tell him no, it hurts more.
He forces his fingers in between mine to intertwine with mine.
I can't release the old, and he holds me down even harder.
He whispers in my ear, "you're my bitch, repeat it."
I refuse to repeat it and it becomes even more painful.
He reminds me in his condescending voice that if I choose to make the choice to submit, it won't hurt as much.
He reminds me in his condescending voice that I have the power of this situation.
Either submit and don't resist and he won't have to force me. He won't have to threaten me or put my video or pictures online for everyone to see.
I submit, tired of fighting
I submit, tired of being afraid of the choice, hit in the face, or hit in the stomach, and wondering what is to happen next.
When it is over I lay there, not moving, entire body trembling in pain, fear, anxiety, and sadness.
He is quick to tell me if I was a good girlfriend, a good whore, his good sex slave.
I slowly come back completely in the present, in total disbelief that it has once again happened.
I dress, still trembling, it is all over for now, hopefully he is done with me this time...hopefully...
Monday, May 18, 2015
A Reason to Help Others
A few days ago I was told to figure out what my personal goals in life were, figure how I was going to use the pain of what I have endured and use it to help others (helping others would help me work through the pain I have gone through the last year). There is so much I want to do, there is so much I can help others do to work through their pain, their suffering, their fight for justice.
I am working everyday to stay strong, stay positive and know that I can help others if I am willing to feel the pain and fight through it to be at peace.
I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am. I am going to let others know that suffering from depression and post traumatic stress disorder is not something to be shameful about, but something that helps me to fight through all the demons that I have encountered. It is something that can give power to those suffering from the same and to overcome it all because they heard a voice that understood what they were dealing with and were willing to listen to them and be supportive of them.
I am going to find a way to turn my pain, my nightmares and flashbacks into something that will help others. Together we will be survivors, no longer victims. We will together be okay and find ways to self-empower ourselves to become and believe that we are survivors. No shame, not doubts, just excitement to our journey of positive lives, once and for all, with no shame, regardless who doubts us and who does not support us or understands us!
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