Is It Over Yet?

My eyelids shut and darkness takes over

Not the darkness of the skies, but darkness of my soul, darkness of my heart

The memories, so dark, so painful, so vivid

the memories, unbearable to the mind, yet so clear and real

Feels like it is happening again at this very moment

Each thrust, deeper and harder than the one before

No enjoyment, just pain and sense of no control

Each bead of sweat dripping onto me

No enjoyment, just sense of dirty and sense of no control

When it becomes unbearable and the fighting back just makes it worse, I lay there, still, and pretend to be somewhere else, someone else

I close my eyes.

I pretend I am not there

Yet, the more I follow his every command, the harder, the more rough it becomes

Yet, I pretend I am not here.

He tells me I am his girlfriend,

When I tell him no, it hurts more.

He forces his fingers in between mine to intertwine with mine.

I can't release the old, and he holds me down even harder.

He whispers in my ear, "you're my bitch, repeat it."

I refuse to repeat it and it becomes even more painful.

He reminds me in his condescending voice that if I choose to make the choice to submit, it won't hurt as much.

He reminds me in his condescending voice that I have the power of this situation.

Either submit and don't resist and he won't have to force me.  He won't have to threaten me or put my video or pictures online for everyone to see.

I submit, tired of fighting

I submit, tired of being afraid of the choice, hit in the face, or hit in the stomach, and wondering what is to happen next.

When it is over I lay there, not moving, entire body trembling in pain, fear, anxiety, and sadness.

He is quick to tell me if I was a good girlfriend, a good whore, his good sex slave.

I slowly come back completely in the present, in total disbelief that it has once again happened.

I dress, still trembling, it is all over for now, hopefully he is done with me this time...hopefully...