A Good Day!

So, today is a new day.  Everyday is a new day for me.  Not literally speaking as a new day of the week.  It is a new day that I decided I am going to wake up and have a good day, a productive, an okay day regardless of all the crazy thoughts that invade my scrambled mind of mixed emotions.  

Today I am able to go back to my intensive therapy program even though I missed three in a row.  Today I am happy for a new day to get healthier.  For that today is a good day for me.

Even if I have moments of self-pity, detachment, and the fight in me is tired, today is a good day.  I have something to look forward to.  I have a moment of clarity that I want to get better.  I am allowed to have those bad moments.  However, it is not how many bad moments I have, it is my willingness to get better and get back to the old me.

Today is a good day because have had a day of focus, a day of believing I am worthy to be happy and the belief that I will get better.

As I remind myself, not just daily, but sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, and sometime by second, I am right where I should be at this very moment and I have to have faith.  It is not my job to question, just my job to fight for myself, just as much as my lived ones that I deserve to be happy, healthy and forging.my past does not define me.  My actions, my perseverance and fight is.

Today is a good day!

Goodnight - 9/24/2015 -9:57 PM

What seemed like a good rest of the evening ended up frustrating, but not the end all for the day.  No crisis, simply me accepting what is, is.  I totally missed a test in my Stats class. Can't make excuses, find reasons to allow me to creep into crisis, or allow myself to be distracted for positive healing.

I did complete my literature homework though - success.  Between therapy tomorrow evening and soccer games tomorrow, have to stay on schedule to be on top of my school assignments!

So, it is 10 PM, time to take my medication, be able to have a restful sleep without (praying) nightmares and waking up afraid.  Yes, medication is a blessing sometimes.  When I can't sleep, I start down a slipper slope.

5:30 PM...

It is 5:30 PM on Wednesday, September 24th and the day seems to be going so long.  I have so many things on my mind.  To keep my focused, I made sure I forced myself up to go to work, not just get my girls out for school.  I arrived at work, started tapping had on the keyboard and completed a lot of tasks.  Tasks I have not had any energy to do all week.  Yes, physically sick, but have to admit, a lot of it was mental.

I have been writing a lot today because my therapist believes that writing will help me.  Not just writing down when I am in crisis and having flashbacks.  Also writing when I am just feeling things.  Good and bad.

So, at this very moment, I have finished work, but doing some homework so my night is a little calm and I can actually do some relaxing.  I intend to continue homework when I get home, but also I plan to try to do some self-soothing exercises.  Anything to keep me moving forward in a healthy way.  Anything to keep me positive and focus on the good things going for myself.

I am ready to get my life back.  I have been saying this for awhile.  Unfortunately I have good days, but more bad days.  Today I will consider a good day, just because I have left my couch, left my home and doing something productive rather than sleeping my life away.

I have my intensive program tomorrow evening.  I have missed the last three, so hopefully they will allow me to continue.  I left a message, asked that they allow me to return tomorrow evening.  That is all I can hope for.  I am trying to do what I can so I do not end up back in the hospital.  I am trying to do what I can so I do not get so depressed that it is even harder than what it is right now to climb out of where I am now.

I have so many things on my mind I want to write about, but I think just writing what is on my mind right now is enough.  I have to be thankful for the little things and the little accomplishments.  These add up and these are exceptional accomplishments for me at this time.

Until later...

Willingness To Positive Living

In a constant attempt to continue my self-healing, I am always making change that will hopefully be positive for me at the end of my journey.  While I am clear that my journey will be life-long, I am willing to do, make any sacrifices needed to reach the point when I am okay with me.  This includes who I was, who I am today, who I am working towards being and learning to accept my past, my decisions, my responsibility to each and every circumstance and be okay with the person I am today. 

Tomorrow is NEVER promised.  Only this very moment.  When I evaluate myself, I always ask myself why didn’t I, why did I, what the hell was I thinking, why did I not continue on that road.  I have learned that I cannot continue to do this.  It is not healthy and only impedes on my healing process.  Unfortunately, when I am down on myself, it is so much easier to question or doubt myself.

I have always strived for excellence.  However, I sometimes do not wonder what that really means to me.  I do understand that my definition of success does not necessarily have to be what is defined by others, by society.  Each time I am successful as I have deemed to be a successful outcome, I am exactly that, successful.  Sometimes success means accomplishing little steps that will help me get to the next step.

There are plenty of times I do not know who I am, who I want to be.  I have had these moments so many times for close to two years now.  I have lost my sense of self.  I have hated myself and the person I have become or allowed myself to become.  I have hated to look at myself in the mirror and remind the woman in the mirror that she is loved.  I have had to use other’s love to keep me going every day and I do not like that feeling.

So, this morning, I decided to temporary deactivate my FB account.  While I realize I do posts a lot of thoughts, I have always been okay with expressing myself whether it was uncomfortable for others.  My thought process has always been, if it makes me feel better and keeps me going to let it out, then it is what I need to do for me.  I cannot and should not allow others discomfort dictate how and what I will do to put myself in a “safe” place because at the end of the day, it is me that is trying to keep me safe and moving forward.  Unfortunately, this causes more craziness than I am willing to deal with at this time.

I have to be willing to let go of negative energy.  This includes people and things.  I have to be realize when negativity is surrounding me and hurting my healing.  I have to be willing to do what is needed to keep a positive aura and get in touch with my inner-self and use mindless and self-soothing techniques to help keep me grounded.

My current therapist supports me in my blogging and expressing myself.  She thinks by writing it out I am allowing myself to get it out and make it less powerful.  For years I have felt that I was in a world that preached self-healing, positive mental healing, but our society is not ready for that yet.  We as a society question when people suffer depression, do thinks that is considered unthinkable, but our society is not willing, or able to deal with those that suffer mentally.  When others feel uncomfortable with others, they do not want to hear it, see it, or deal with it.  So, without saying to “keep it to yourself,” they are. 

I am going to do what I need to do for myself.  Every day I am going to continue to push forward, push myself and remind myself that each day is a new day.  Each day is a positive day and to continue to stay positive, even at times when it seems impossible.  I am going to keep doing what I need to do so that I can continue to get better and get back to the person that I enjoyed being a couple of years ago.  I am going to continue believing that I am a good person and worthy of happiness and that this is just a turn from the main road.  The road I am traveling is the road I am supposed to be traveling and I have to, I need to embrace this fact.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment and no matter how daunting the road may be to travel.  Everything happens for a reason and once I embrace this belief that I have, I will be okay because tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone and today is here!

Everyday...

Everyday I wake up and wonder if this will be the day.  Everyday I lay my head I wonder if this is the day.

What is that day?  It is the day when I have had enough and no longer am willing to fight.  No longer willing to fight to live a life of happiness, of the thought and belief that it will be a good day, a day when life is so worth living for.

Don't get me wrong.  I have so much to live for.  Despite all of the negative energy that surrounds me and seems to attach to me like a leach sucking all the blood from my veins, there is a lot of positive energy.

But, sometimes it is not enough.  It is not enough because the pain is so excruciating and it seems to over power anything full of life.

So, I hold on tight.  I hold on with dear life.  At night when the flashbacks become unbearable I wrap my legs around my husbands' and I hold on tight until he awakens, feels my uneasiness, and holds me tighter.

I get tired of the fight.

I get tired of those that do not understand, yet still judge.  

I get tired or proving myself worthy.  Even though I know I have proved myself to have integrity and be a good, positive person, and role-model.

I get tired!  I am simply tired because it seems through experience, my few imperfections outweigh any good I have done.

It makes me mad!

It makes me angry!

The stigma associated with having a mental defect is sometimes too much to bare.

I suffer from PTSD from multiple traumas, as a direct result of those traumas, I suffer from depression.

I have good days, I have bad days.

My bad days are full of me sleeping in, not wanting to dress, too afraid to go outside.  When I have to go outside during these times, I end up in crisis.

I have not been able to control these crisis this time around yet.  I know they are there and these are the days I am unable to get myself to shower, dress, or even eat.

Then, there are the days when the energy is so strong, so on-point, I am in "heaven."  I feel accomplished.  I feel successful.  I want to take on the world and I pray long and hard that the feelings I am having are strong enough to keep going and I stay on track.

Why can't these moments happen more often than not?

Because it is the disease.  It is a disease.  No different from working the program designed by a doctor trying to rid cancer, I have to work my program to stay mentally healthy.

Each and everyday.

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I want to go to sleep knowing the nightmare is over.

But it isn't.  Not yet, because it is and will be a nightmare that will forever be there until I am able to control the strong feelings that come with it.

One day, just one day...I will wake from this nightmare and have the control of whether I will let it take over my being.

But today, I am working through it and when I am done, those that had doubts or took away from what kept me going...they will wonder.

You will wonder what you lost because this is just the beginning.  My story had just begun!

The Little Things That Make You Laugh

Your daughter telling her Daddy that he is homie and him replying that it is not okay for her to call any of her friends homie.

.Having a serious conversation with the hubby about how you are practicing mindfulness and then him using mindfulness in every other sentence while trying to explain how we will conduct our lives mindfully in the home.

The hubby repeating and trying to get the girls to enjoy a fishwich sandwich....

Reminiscing about greasing and braiding hair in the bathtub with the girls to get their thick and curly hair braided for the week.

Daughter trying to be funny and make a smart remark while getting her hair greased and you tugging at it, wishing you had a comb to pop her one on the scalp...hahahaha

Youngest child washing dishes and the only people in the kitchen are her with the parents, telling them how beautiful and relaxing it will be in another year with only us in the house...I am thinking about that comment very carefully!'

Most importantly, cherishing all of the special and little moments and being grateful about the little things that make you laugh...being mindful...

HAPPINESS FROM WITHIN

The last few weeks have been difficult, while at the same time eye-opening and refreshing.  I have had to step back and observe everything in my life, from the people in it, those who I surround myself with, the things I do and don’t do, to how I feel about myself and the place I am in right now.

I can honestly say it is not all bad at all.  I have been on a roller coaster so many times before.  I have felt like I was at my lowest point, so many times before.  Each time I am low, I feel as if I am lower than the time before.  Interesting enough though, each time I come out a little bit stronger, with a little bit more fight, and with more love of myself than before.

Sometimes I want to sleep and not wake up.  I hate to be asked the questions if I feel like I want to hurt myself or want to die.  That is always an awkward question for me because I am truly not sure how different wanting to die or wanting to sleep and not wake up is. 

With all my heart, I do NOT want to die.  I simply want to escape, hide, and become invisible when I am hurting and feel afraid.  I do not want to feel the feelings I am feeling. 

With all my heart I want to get better.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel safe.  I want to know and truly believe that there is happiness at the end of my journey.  I want to grow old with my husband and watch my children fulfill their dreams.  I want to be a part of their journey.

I want to truly experience success.  I want to reach a goal that I set for myself, that will benefit me and one that I can truly appreciate.  Raising children and watching them become productive adults is a success, but I do not want that to be the only thing I take pride in as being something that I was a part of and contributed.

I want to finish school.  Not just my associates, but my bachelor’s and then my master’s degree.  I want to find a job that will allow me to really utilize my skills and that will compensate me fairly.  I want to earn money that will allow me to struggle even though I work so hard. 

I want to find things that I truly enjoy and actually do them without any barriers.  I want to experience life as I dreamed it would be when I was younger.

I am not complaining.  I am simply trying to figure out what I need to do so that my life is more than what it is now.  As much as I have always said I enjoyed during certain activities, specifically my volunteer activities, I lately have had to question what that enjoyment really was. 

My children are older and within the next two years, all will hopefully be in college, experiencing life as young adults.  Before my last one goes off to school, I want to find more meaning, other meaning in my life.  I want to evaluate and have conversation with my husband about our dreams.  I want to plan for life beyond children, life with each other.  I want to sit on a back porch of a new home, a bit away from any chaos, and enjoy my husband.  I want to travel and experience life.

Part of getting to this point is finding activities that allows me to learn who I am, what I like and what I enjoy doing that makes me happy.  There are mindful activities that will help me with this.  I definitely realize that.  I have to learn to put aside the time so that I am not always running and doing, but simply enjoying life, enjoying myself, and enjoying being with me.

 “Happiness cannot come from without.  It must come from within.”

- Helen Keller          

I cannot depend on my happiness from others or things.  I have to be happy with myself, love myself, and enjoying being with myself.  Once I learn to do this I can truly enjoy life itself.