HAPPINESS FROM WITHIN

The last few weeks have been difficult, while at the same time eye-opening and refreshing.  I have had to step back and observe everything in my life, from the people in it, those who I surround myself with, the things I do and don’t do, to how I feel about myself and the place I am in right now.

I can honestly say it is not all bad at all.  I have been on a roller coaster so many times before.  I have felt like I was at my lowest point, so many times before.  Each time I am low, I feel as if I am lower than the time before.  Interesting enough though, each time I come out a little bit stronger, with a little bit more fight, and with more love of myself than before.

Sometimes I want to sleep and not wake up.  I hate to be asked the questions if I feel like I want to hurt myself or want to die.  That is always an awkward question for me because I am truly not sure how different wanting to die or wanting to sleep and not wake up is. 

With all my heart, I do NOT want to die.  I simply want to escape, hide, and become invisible when I am hurting and feel afraid.  I do not want to feel the feelings I am feeling. 

With all my heart I want to get better.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel safe.  I want to know and truly believe that there is happiness at the end of my journey.  I want to grow old with my husband and watch my children fulfill their dreams.  I want to be a part of their journey.

I want to truly experience success.  I want to reach a goal that I set for myself, that will benefit me and one that I can truly appreciate.  Raising children and watching them become productive adults is a success, but I do not want that to be the only thing I take pride in as being something that I was a part of and contributed.

I want to finish school.  Not just my associates, but my bachelor’s and then my master’s degree.  I want to find a job that will allow me to really utilize my skills and that will compensate me fairly.  I want to earn money that will allow me to struggle even though I work so hard. 

I want to find things that I truly enjoy and actually do them without any barriers.  I want to experience life as I dreamed it would be when I was younger.

I am not complaining.  I am simply trying to figure out what I need to do so that my life is more than what it is now.  As much as I have always said I enjoyed during certain activities, specifically my volunteer activities, I lately have had to question what that enjoyment really was. 

My children are older and within the next two years, all will hopefully be in college, experiencing life as young adults.  Before my last one goes off to school, I want to find more meaning, other meaning in my life.  I want to evaluate and have conversation with my husband about our dreams.  I want to plan for life beyond children, life with each other.  I want to sit on a back porch of a new home, a bit away from any chaos, and enjoy my husband.  I want to travel and experience life.

Part of getting to this point is finding activities that allows me to learn who I am, what I like and what I enjoy doing that makes me happy.  There are mindful activities that will help me with this.  I definitely realize that.  I have to learn to put aside the time so that I am not always running and doing, but simply enjoying life, enjoying myself, and enjoying being with me.

 “Happiness cannot come from without.  It must come from within.”

- Helen Keller          

I cannot depend on my happiness from others or things.  I have to be happy with myself, love myself, and enjoying being with myself.  Once I learn to do this I can truly enjoy life itself.