Willingness To Positive Living

In a constant attempt to continue my self-healing, I am always making change that will hopefully be positive for me at the end of my journey.  While I am clear that my journey will be life-long, I am willing to do, make any sacrifices needed to reach the point when I am okay with me.  This includes who I was, who I am today, who I am working towards being and learning to accept my past, my decisions, my responsibility to each and every circumstance and be okay with the person I am today. 

Tomorrow is NEVER promised.  Only this very moment.  When I evaluate myself, I always ask myself why didn’t I, why did I, what the hell was I thinking, why did I not continue on that road.  I have learned that I cannot continue to do this.  It is not healthy and only impedes on my healing process.  Unfortunately, when I am down on myself, it is so much easier to question or doubt myself.

I have always strived for excellence.  However, I sometimes do not wonder what that really means to me.  I do understand that my definition of success does not necessarily have to be what is defined by others, by society.  Each time I am successful as I have deemed to be a successful outcome, I am exactly that, successful.  Sometimes success means accomplishing little steps that will help me get to the next step.

There are plenty of times I do not know who I am, who I want to be.  I have had these moments so many times for close to two years now.  I have lost my sense of self.  I have hated myself and the person I have become or allowed myself to become.  I have hated to look at myself in the mirror and remind the woman in the mirror that she is loved.  I have had to use other’s love to keep me going every day and I do not like that feeling.

So, this morning, I decided to temporary deactivate my FB account.  While I realize I do posts a lot of thoughts, I have always been okay with expressing myself whether it was uncomfortable for others.  My thought process has always been, if it makes me feel better and keeps me going to let it out, then it is what I need to do for me.  I cannot and should not allow others discomfort dictate how and what I will do to put myself in a “safe” place because at the end of the day, it is me that is trying to keep me safe and moving forward.  Unfortunately, this causes more craziness than I am willing to deal with at this time.

I have to be willing to let go of negative energy.  This includes people and things.  I have to be realize when negativity is surrounding me and hurting my healing.  I have to be willing to do what is needed to keep a positive aura and get in touch with my inner-self and use mindless and self-soothing techniques to help keep me grounded.

My current therapist supports me in my blogging and expressing myself.  She thinks by writing it out I am allowing myself to get it out and make it less powerful.  For years I have felt that I was in a world that preached self-healing, positive mental healing, but our society is not ready for that yet.  We as a society question when people suffer depression, do thinks that is considered unthinkable, but our society is not willing, or able to deal with those that suffer mentally.  When others feel uncomfortable with others, they do not want to hear it, see it, or deal with it.  So, without saying to “keep it to yourself,” they are. 

I am going to do what I need to do for myself.  Every day I am going to continue to push forward, push myself and remind myself that each day is a new day.  Each day is a positive day and to continue to stay positive, even at times when it seems impossible.  I am going to keep doing what I need to do so that I can continue to get better and get back to the person that I enjoyed being a couple of years ago.  I am going to continue believing that I am a good person and worthy of happiness and that this is just a turn from the main road.  The road I am traveling is the road I am supposed to be traveling and I have to, I need to embrace this fact.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment and no matter how daunting the road may be to travel.  Everything happens for a reason and once I embrace this belief that I have, I will be okay because tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone and today is here!