April 14, 2015 - 9:30 AM

So, I am at work – work up on time and even though my oldest daughter was not cooperating, I got out of the house on time.  Driving to work was very hard.  Lots of things on my mind.  I had a horrible evening.   The evening started out bad before it even came. 

All late afternoon I felt like I had bugs crawling all over me.  I felt dirty.  I felt so dirty that I found a magnifying glass to confirm for myself that there was nothing crawling on me that was unseen by the eye.  Of course there was nothing there.  I already knew that, but the feeling was so intense.  I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

Anyway, I am not really sure how the night ended.  I did start to do homework.  I was doing very well for quite a while until more thoughts started coming at me.  After I had this one memory of this last incident, I was all of a sudden flooded with other incidents that happened.  They kept coming at me.  I probably could have dealt with it until the physical pain came.  It hurt so badly.  It felt as if my insides of my private area were ripping out of me.  I held onto the pain and started the breathing exercises.  I kept getting up, having cigarettes, and even tried writing and going back to my school work.  Nothing was happening.  So I gave in and had a drink.  Since that didn’t work, all I can assume is I went to sleep.  I hope I did.  I don’t want to cause anymore anguish to my family. 

I want the support of my family, but I have decided I will keep that as far away from having to deal with it as possible.  I think I should be able to know that they support me and want to help, but they don’t and should not have to deal with all of this.  It isn’t fair.  I am going to keep using my tools, work on putting on a happy face and deal with this as much on my own as possible.  If I can do everything I can do to work through this without involving them, it will be best.   I know that is what I tried to do with this last incident, but it didn’t work out that way. 

I tried everything in my power to just deal with it.  I know that is what he kept telling me to do, but when he was so rough and hurt me so bad, I could not hold it together later after the incident.  I tried to just comply.  I tried to pretend that it was an affair, but how could I when someone threatens you, hits you, chokes you, and then reminds you that you deserved it and that I had no choice unless I wanted to ruin everything positive in my life.  How could I be okay with myself and keep pretending everything was fine?  The more I was compliant, the more he did, the worse it became.  I even asked him why he was doing that.  I needed to understand if he wanted me to simply pretend as if I was his girlfriend and let him do what he wanted to do when he wanted to, why he would hurt me so that I would have a reaction, so that I would have to fight back.  I just wanted to understand why it was all happening to me.

I know I am not crazy, but I feel like I am sometimes.  Especially when the memories become so intrusive.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to know and really believe that I will get better.  I want my body to feel the way it used to.

I am so close to graduation and I am so excited.  Once I arrived at work I told myself to change my thinking.  Focus on the positive things in my life at this time.  Focus on the positive things that were coming up.  I am going to keep writing, especially when the thoughts are bad.  I know it might not work 100%, but it will work enough to keep me going, even if it is for a moment.  I can do this today.  I can have a good day today.  I am going to take it one step at a time because I have no choice to do anything differently if I want to truly keep going, which I do.

April 13, 2015 - 3 PM

So today Spencer joined in on my weekly session with my therapist.  I honestly do not know how I feel after now.  At first I was okay with it and thought it would be a good thing.  But now, after listening to him express his concerns to someone else other than myself, I feel like I totally have destroyed us as and our family.  He has always been as supportive as he could be with me.  He might not have been able to express himself that well or comfort me the way I have needed him to, but I never really doubted his love and dedication as much as I have lately.

I used to have so many dreams about my future.  All positive ones, even throughout the times that I have felt at my lowest.  It is interesting to think back now and thought I was at my lowest then.  Compared to how I feel now, there is definitely no comparison.  I seriously have lost so much inner fight.

I am numb and not sure where or how I want to proceed with anything in my life anymore.  Everything seems to be such a struggle to complete.   I don’t want to be around people.  I don’t want to act like everything is okay, I would rather just be by myself for a while.  I know I don’t have to pretend like my life is perfect, but I do if I don’t want people to look at me strange, wondering if I am going to lose it, or if my emotional state is stable.

I would love to start over and make everything go away as if it never happened before.  I wish I could be that strong to make it happen.  I know, in due time.  But sometimes I don’t know if I have the strength to wait any longer.

Today I was outside at work having a cigarette.  A car came down the parking lot very slowly.  I swear, the man in the car looked like this “Alex.”  He just stared so I pretended as if I really was not noticing him.  I felt a chill come over my body and I hurried back into the office since I knew the only way in was with a key code.  I probably was thinking it was him, but it looked so much like him.  I will just drill it into my head that I was seeing someone who resembled him and the thoughts will pass in due time.  

So, now I am about to go home for the day and I am so uncomfortable with that.  Driving makes me think too much about stuff, so the music will have to be turned up very loud.  Then I have to get the energy to figure out how to focus enough to do some school work.  Graduation is so close.  Have to figure out the classes I need to complete/re-do in the summer so I can walk in May.  Something else to think about!

Should of, could of…I have to get that kind of thinking out of my head.  It does me no good except bring me more anguish.

I have to get back to my writing – but more focused on positive thinking.  Not as easy as I would like it to be, BUT, any writing at this point is probably a good thing.  I probably need to open up a new blog.  Some of the stuff I write probably scares people.  I don’t re-read my blogs much, but every so often I notice my mother will make a remark about something I have written, which tells me that she  often checks to see if I have written more.  I like to write.  I like for others to read what I have written.  I have been told some of my writings have helped someone out.  Actually the ones that are more about staying positive or overcoming adversity are about the only ones I like to go back and read. 

So many things going on in my head.  So overwhelmed with different feelings.  So at a place of discontent, confusion, and without comfort that I can hold onto, even if it is for a little while.

April 13, 2015 - 10:30 AM

I have been trying to figure life out and it seems like the more I try, the more confused and overwhelming it becomes.  It is seriously beyond frustration!  As much as I want to get help, get better, I don’t know if I can handle all of the emotions and physical response to the pain I am feeling.

I used to be so much better at controlling my emotions.  Even if I was hurting inside, I was able to put up a facade and keep people at a distance so they thought I was in full control.   What happens when people think you are not in control is probably a little more difficult to deal with then the emotional turmoil one is feeling at any given moment.

I know I am not crazy.  I know I am just at a point in my life that the emotions are ready to come out.  They are ready to escape, but I don’t feel I have the necessary resources to help me work through in the time I need to.

Memories from so many different events have come at me.  Even when I went out with the family, I wanted to go.  But, as soon as I was out, I wanted to change my mind and go back inside and climb into my bed.  Being at home, or in the bed doesn’t actually help.  It probably makes it worse.  When I am in the bed, I feel every touch, smell every breath and hear every word that was said to me.  The itching is out of control and there is no relief.  I hate to be in the bed.  I hate to be under covers.  I hate to be awake.  It would be no big deal if I could focus on other things.  But right now, I have very little focus when doing anything.  At any moments I will hear a voice or feel a touch and the events will replay over and over.  Even when I try to ignore them, it seems as if it gets worse.

I honestly am not sure how much longer I can deal with it and work through it.  I am not sure if this is a test and I will be fine like usual, but it is just too much to handle and too big to handle at this time and I just want relief.  Not sure what true support system I have.  No one wants to deal with my breakdowns.  It is a lot, I should know, I am the one that is dealing with it first-hand.  They are only getting the result of it which I hate for them.

100% Survival Mode!

So, I have been quiet for more than a few months.  

My silence has been represented by an understanding that no one wants to hear my sorrows anymore. 

But guess what?

It is NOT about you!

I must, I must for my survival, be selfish!

I must, I must be expressive and not worry about what others will think!

I must believe that those those care and love me understand me, support me and know how to do that whether at arms length, or holding me up when I have fallen and can't support myself!

My silence is a representation of who I am, how I feel, what I think my self worth is at this moment,

The moment and moments that I have silenced my voice,

I am searching fiercely to express myself.

Searching to express myself without any restraints

Yet, I understand some constraints are needed, I am all out of whack.

Not out of wack to myself, but to others.

Maybe...the good thing here is I don't give a damn who and how this affects others at this point.  For some, this might be alarming...for others, you understand and respect that I am healing in my own time!

My silence has held me captive for so long.  Captive in a world of distress, dishonesty and despair.  

My silence has drawfed my growth and,hell no, not anymore!

Birds of a feather flock together and I am not that feather!

I am that ugly duckling waiting...waiting,. waiting 

I am that ugly duckling waiting to turn into the swan that puts the look of awe in all those that stare uncontrollably.

I am that Dumbo, pecuilar and so out of my comfort zone, 

Simply waiting for those that look at my perseverance to look in awe as I graciously and patiently stand in the line of self-determined success.

The success is not the success that others have decided are mine. 

The success is what I have determined is mine.

Birds of a feather flock together and I am not that feather!

I am that shooting star that comes unexpectedly.

I am that eclipse, that is once in a lifetime to some.

I am ME, the one who will, with tenacity, weather the storm and at the  end, survive and work through the turmoil.

I am a survivor.

I am self-empowered.

Why?  Because I have a reason to live.  I have a reason to feel happiness and enjoy my life on this Earth.  

Why should I not be happy?

Why should I live in misery?  Misery loves company and guess what Misery?

I am a miserable piece of shit sometimes.  My misery far out weighs yours and you in no way can take it on.

So, guess what?

Let's make a pact!

I will overload your plate.  I will handle mine.

What does this mean?

It means if I have people in my life that truly care and love me, they will weather this storm.  No different a storm than I have worked through before.  

The difference, I am a willing fighter, a willing warrior in this battle.  I will not lay down my sword and be defeated.  I will fight and will continue to fight for happiness, satisfaction, for inner peace.

Why, because I deserve it and I am damn worthy of it.

Don't like it?

Let me know now, leave my surroundings.

Leave me and let me be.  

I will be just fine with whomever is in my corner of this fight.  

Trust and believe, defeat will lose!

Birds of a feather flock together and I am not that feather!

I am that shooting star that comes unexpectedly.

I am that eclipse, that is once in a lifetime to some.

I am ME, the one who will, with tenacity, weather the storm and at the  end, survive and work through the turmoil.

I am a survivor.

I am self-empowered!

Flower - Part II

Like a flower losing petals at the end of the season.

Like a tree losing its leaves at the end of the season

The heart, so fragile, yet so strong

Like a flower, like a tree, the heat years for needed nutrients to survive.

Every storm the heart weathers, it weakens it while making it stronger

We not know our strength

We not know our resiliency

We not know our self-love

Not until we are forced to weather the storm.

Liker a flower, like a tree, the heart yearns for needed nutrients to survive

Love, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness.

More important to the heart is, 

Self - Love, 

Self, Understanding, 

Self, Acceptance, 

And forgiveness.

The heart is a tree full of vibrant leaves that deteriorates without the needed nutrients to keep it strong, 

Pumping each branch with those nutrients allows for the heart to weather the storm and rebuild itself after.

Each storm makes us stronger, more vibrant, more beautiful.

Some storms will break the heart to a point that seem unrepairable.  But our hearts are stronger than that.

Love, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness from others help strengthen the heart.

Yet, 

Self - love, self- understanding, self- acceptance, and forgiveness will allow the heart to weather each storm so our hearts become stronger, more vibrant, and more beautiful.

The Flower

One of those days, one of those moments when life becomes too much to bare.  That moment when all the fight has left you.  That moment when the light seems to have escaped, darkness filling every corner of the room with no chance of even a little sunshine peeping through the darkness. One of those days.  One of those moments.

That very moment when everything that seemed to be so wrong helped lift that feeling of despair.  That very moment when the feeling of hopelessness seemed more like a thorn in your side that simply needed to be pulled from the root and released.  That moment when your body, your sole made the subconscious decision to fight the stubbornness within that wanted to wallow in all the self-pity that overpowered the strong, powerful and fight that was deep within.

For years that struggle has been who I am.  I have long accepted the struggle within.  Sometimes the fight is easy.  Other times it is a fight for survival.  I battle daily, fighting for the strong part within to win.  People think they know who I am.  People think and believe what they want to believe.  Seeing people suffer is too hard for people to deal with.  It is too difficult and uncomfortable.  For many reasons.  Seeing struggle and pain in others sometimes makes others look at themselves and evaluate their possible part in that other person’s pain.  Other times, they simply do not know how to help.  It is easier to pretend they don’t see the pain.  Then there are others that get it enough to understand just being real, being a supportive friend is all that is needed.

I have long stopped asking why me, how, or why did something happen.  I have long accepted that sometimes things happen and I was not the cause or the blame.  while I take responsibility of my part, sometimes shit simply happens and I am not and cannot be in control of others and their actions.  I can only be in control of how I deal with it.  I can only be in control of how I work through the events or the pain of the aftermath of the chaos that sometimes and often times catches me dead center of it all.    I am only in control of myself and inhale to take responsibility to make sure I stay strong enough to help when and if I am needed.

I am far from religious, yet I believe I am a very spiritual being.  Every day when I wake, I pray that I am strong enough to fight the temptation of defeat.  I pray that I will see the light, no matter how dark my world becomes.  Each situation, each interaction I am faced with, it is my integrity I have until the end that is my own personal testament to the strength I have deep within.  It is not to prove to anyone else but to myself that I am worthy of another day, another hour, another minute or second that my life is worth sharing with those that I love and love me.  It is my testament, mine, all mine.

Quite a few months ago I was repeatedly told I needed to find my definition of a “God.”  I was told to think about what would help me become a stronger person.  What “God” of mine would help me work through my own personal journey?  It wasn’t until this weekend that any of what was suggested to me made any sense. What I did understand was the fact that I was tired of feeling tired.  I wanted to be happy.  I don’t mean happy on the outside so others thought I was. I wanted to feel the happiness deep within, deep in my sole.  I wanted to laugh so it hurt. I wanted to smile so hard that it was hard to have any other facial expression.  I wanted to experience what my mother told me when I was younger.  “Putting a smile on your face helps bring joy because it is hard to be sad if you are smiling.”. I truly believed this, no longer words I spoke because it was what others wanted to hear.  this time I actually believed the words I spoke.  Deep down from my sole.  every bone, every muscle in my body felt it and believed it to be true!

For years I always believed I had gotten to a point in my life where I was okay. I had worked hard and was strong enough to work through any sadness or disappointments I encountered. Unfortunately, I stopped. I failed to understand that my entire life would constantly be me reevaluating my actions, my circumstances and my decisions. I failed to understand that I would always have to be mindful of what things would set me on a downward spiral of self-pity. Again, for some reason, reasons I may never know of, I became too tired to be tired any longer. I became tired of watching others around me suffer because I was not willing to take care of myself first. The way I had always taken care of myself is the same way others had or do take care of themselves. I realized I was no good to anyone else unless I was good to myself. I needed to show through example, through action.  my word was no longer enough!

Sometimes, people and/or circumstances are placed in our lives, on our paths for a reason. It is not our job to try and figure out why. It is our responsibility to ourselves to accept it. It is our responsibility to work through it with passion and integrity. It is my responsibility to know that I am only given what I can handle. Nothing more and nothing less. I am only given what I need so I can be stronger and prepared to deal with what comes my way on my next journey. Life is full of many journeys. The journey I am on at this moment is definitely not the last one I want to travel and experience!

Every journey is the birth of a new flower.  The water is my “God” giving me the strength that is already within me to weather the storms that are and will come my way.  The many storms are my God’s reminders to me that I have to remember that I have to dig deep and use all of the tools and resources I have ever been given to make it until the sun shines through the darkness. With each storm, with each drought my petals and roots only become stronger. I am, I will be the flower that blooms and fills the flower bed with the beautiful colors and aromas that bring smiles to others. More importantly, a flower that brings a true deep seeded smile within me.  I am that flower ready to continue on this journey and more to come and experience with gratitude!

AND THEN AN ANGEL CAME UPON ME!

So, how funny life is.  I had a wonderful time catching with an "old friend!"  I thought so many bad and angry thoughts because we were never able to have closure.  Well, last night, while very sick in bed, we did just that.  While I had believed I was abandoned during one of my greatest time of need, I WAS NOT! 

I was young, we were young. We thought that we were strong.  We believed that we could take on life itself, But, in fact, we could not. 

Last night I was able to say sorry, as well as the other, and I amazingly felt that a brick was lifted off the lost soul that still lived within!

I urge all that I love...sometimes letting go is reconnecting to the past, no matter how painful that past might seem.  You would not believe the comfort, yet peace I am feeling at this time in my life!  Trust and put your heart and your soul...your pain and misery in someone else's hands.  We are not as strong as we pretend to be.  Sometimes, we need a helping hand.  Sometimes we need someone to let us know, we are not lost, we are simply waiting to be found.  We are simply waiting for the confirmation that our life is the way it is because it is the way it should be. 

I thank God (and no, I am not that religious) for letting me know, giving me the sign, giving me the power to let some pain be just that, because that pain does not define me.  That pain in my past does not determine my future.  I am who I am because I am strong.  I am powerful.  I have a purpose that is yet to be reckoned with, but has been heard, understood and waiting to come out of its' shell!

I am somebody that has a heart.  I am somebody that feels the pain, feels the love, feels the joy that is surrounded by me with the thanks of those that love me and accept me for who I am, regardless of my past, regardless of my demons, regardless of my self-doubt.  They are my anchor, they are my backbone when I have lost all hope! 

Thank you!  Love to my unknown God, Love to those that love and support me, you have no idea when you have touched me and pushed me to be that better person!  You all (I hope) know who you are!

Have faith, believe that there is something better out there for you!  Have faith that you are meant for something special!  We all are.  We are all good people and we all need that person to tell us we are special, we are wanted, we are needed, we are somebody!

My Angel...says to me, you are worthy of happiness, you are worthy of success.  You are somebody and just be patient, I will answer your call!...your call to not only help yourself, but your call to help others!

AMEN!