So today Spencer joined in on my
weekly session with my therapist. I
honestly do not know how I feel after now.
At first I was okay with it and thought it would be a good thing. But now, after listening to him express his
concerns to someone else other than myself, I feel like I totally have
destroyed us as and our family. He has
always been as supportive as he could be with me. He might not have been able to express
himself that well or comfort me the way I have needed him to, but I never
really doubted his love and dedication as much as I have lately.
I used to have so many dreams
about my future. All positive ones, even
throughout the times that I have felt at my lowest. It is interesting to think back now and
thought I was at my lowest then.
Compared to how I feel now, there is definitely no comparison. I seriously have lost so much inner fight.
I am numb and not sure where or
how I want to proceed with anything in my life anymore. Everything seems to be such a struggle to
complete. I don’t want to be around
people. I don’t want to act like
everything is okay, I would rather just be by myself for a while. I know I don’t have to pretend like my life
is perfect, but I do if I don’t want people to look at me strange, wondering if
I am going to lose it, or if my emotional state is stable.
I would love to start over and
make everything go away as if it never happened before. I wish I could be that strong to make it
happen. I know, in due time. But sometimes I don’t know if I have the
strength to wait any longer.
Today I was outside at work
having a cigarette. A car came down the
parking lot very slowly. I swear, the
man in the car looked like this “Alex.”
He just stared so I pretended as if I really was not noticing him. I felt a chill come over my body and I
hurried back into the office since I knew the only way in was with a key
code. I probably was thinking it was
him, but it looked so much like him. I
will just drill it into my head that I was seeing someone who resembled him and
the thoughts will pass in due time.
So, now I am about to go home
for the day and I am so uncomfortable with that. Driving makes me think too much about stuff,
so the music will have to be turned up very loud. Then I have to get the energy to figure out
how to focus enough to do some school work.
Graduation is so close. Have to
figure out the classes I need to complete/re-do in the summer so I can walk in
May. Something else to think about!
Should of, could of…I have to
get that kind of thinking out of my head.
It does me no good except bring me more anguish.
I have to get back to my writing
– but more focused on positive thinking.
Not as easy as I would like it to be, BUT, any writing at this point is
probably a good thing. I probably need
to open up a new blog. Some of the stuff
I write probably scares people. I don’t
re-read my blogs much, but every so often I notice my mother will make a remark
about something I have written, which tells me that she often checks to see if I have written
more. I like to write. I like for others to read what I have
written. I have been told some of my writings
have helped someone out. Actually the
ones that are more about staying positive or overcoming adversity are about the
only ones I like to go back and read.
So many things going on in my
head. So overwhelmed with different
feelings. So at a place of discontent,
confusion, and without comfort that I can hold onto, even if it is for a little
while.
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