I have been trying to figure life out and it seems like the
more I try, the more confused and overwhelming it becomes. It is seriously beyond frustration! As much as I want to get help, get better, I
don’t know if I can handle all of the emotions and physical response to the
pain I am feeling.
I used to be so much better at controlling my emotions. Even if I was hurting inside, I was able to
put up a facade and keep people at a distance so they thought I was in full
control. What happens when people think
you are not in control is probably a little more difficult to deal with then
the emotional turmoil one is feeling at any given moment.
I know I am not crazy.
I know I am just at a point in my life that the emotions are ready to
come out. They are ready to escape, but
I don’t feel I have the necessary resources to help me work through in the time
I need to.
Memories from so many different events have come at me. Even when I went out with the family, I
wanted to go. But, as soon as I was out,
I wanted to change my mind and go back inside and climb into my bed. Being at home, or in the bed doesn’t actually
help. It probably makes it worse. When I am in the bed, I feel every touch,
smell every breath and hear every word that was said to me. The itching is out of control and there is no
relief. I hate to be in the bed. I hate to be under covers. I hate to be awake. It would be no big deal if I could focus on
other things. But right now, I have very
little focus when doing anything. At any
moments I will hear a voice or feel a touch and the events will replay over and
over. Even when I try to ignore them, it
seems as if it gets worse.
I honestly am not sure how much longer I can deal with it
and work through it. I am not sure if
this is a test and I will be fine like usual, but it is just too much to handle
and too big to handle at this time and I just want relief. Not sure what true support system I
have. No one wants to deal with my
breakdowns. It is a lot, I should know,
I am the one that is dealing with it first-hand. They are only getting the result of it which
I hate for them.
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