So, I am at work – work up on time and even though my oldest
daughter was not cooperating, I got out of the house on time. Driving to work was very hard. Lots of things on my mind. I had a horrible evening. The evening started out bad before it even came.
All late afternoon I felt like I had bugs crawling all over
me. I felt dirty. I felt so dirty that I found a magnifying
glass to confirm for myself that there was nothing crawling on me that was unseen
by the eye. Of course there was nothing
there. I already knew that, but the
feeling was so intense. I felt like I
wanted to crawl out of my skin.
Anyway, I am not really sure how the night ended. I did start to do homework. I was doing very well for quite a while until
more thoughts started coming at me.
After I had this one memory of this last incident, I was all of a sudden
flooded with other incidents that happened.
They kept coming at me. I
probably could have dealt with it until the physical pain came. It hurt so badly. It felt as if my insides of my private area
were ripping out of me. I held onto the
pain and started the breathing exercises.
I kept getting up, having cigarettes, and even tried writing and going
back to my school work. Nothing was
happening. So I gave in and had a
drink. Since that didn’t work, all I can
assume is I went to sleep. I hope I
did. I don’t want to cause anymore
anguish to my family.
I want the support of my family, but I have decided I will
keep that as far away from having to deal with it as possible. I think I should be able to know that they
support me and want to help, but they don’t and should not have to deal with
all of this. It isn’t fair. I am going to keep using my tools, work on
putting on a happy face and deal with this as much on my own as possible. If I can do everything I can do to work
through this without involving them, it will be best. I know that is what I tried to do with this
last incident, but it didn’t work out that way.
I tried everything in my power to just deal with it. I know that is what he kept telling me to do,
but when he was so rough and hurt me so bad, I could not hold it together later
after the incident. I tried to just
comply. I tried to pretend that it was
an affair, but how could I when someone threatens you, hits you, chokes you,
and then reminds you that you deserved it and that I had no choice unless I
wanted to ruin everything positive in my life.
How could I be okay with myself and keep pretending everything was
fine? The more I was compliant, the more
he did, the worse it became. I even
asked him why he was doing that. I
needed to understand if he wanted me to simply pretend as if I was his
girlfriend and let him do what he wanted to do when he wanted to, why he would
hurt me so that I would have a reaction, so that I would have to fight
back. I just wanted to understand why it
was all happening to me.
I know I am not crazy, but I feel like I am sometimes. Especially when the memories become so
intrusive. I want to feel normal
again. I want to know and really believe
that I will get better. I want my body
to feel the way it used to.
I am so close to graduation and I am so excited. Once I arrived at work I told myself to
change my thinking. Focus on the
positive things in my life at this time.
Focus on the positive things that were coming up. I am going to keep writing, especially when
the thoughts are bad. I know it might
not work 100%, but it will work enough to keep me going, even if it is for a
moment. I can do this today. I can have a good day today. I am going to take it one step at a time
because I have no choice to do anything differently if I want to truly keep
going, which I do.
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