I Close My Eyes and Believe...

It was this morning I woke up, yet, once again and swore to myself I was to be strong.  But, once again I have allowed the devil to take control.  I have allowed the devil to let my past, whether sins against me or those I placed upon myself because of immature, childish beliefs that I was untouchable....whatever, I am in a fucked up place today.

I forced myself out of the bed.  7:30 am, hubby walking out the door on his way to work...2nd job, working 7 days a week to keep us afloat...always doing what needs to be done for the family!

At first I just went to our bonus room.  I just wanted to watch television...didn't want to deal with life.  Regardless, I was awake.  The voices in my head, the memories from my past were loud, yelling, shouting, demanding to be acknowledged.  Every awakened moment, the fight to forget lessened a thousands decimals.  I had to remind myself it was not forgetting, but forgiving.  It was/needed to forgive those that harmed me because I was the only one truly suffering.  I was the one that was not at a place of peace.  I was the one that was suffering daily.  All because I had not learned to forgive.  I needed to move on.

Today, not working.  10 years of intense  therapy and the tools I learned had no standing and no chance today.  I was angry, I was hurt, I felt so abandoned at my greatest time of need.  No one seemed to understand.  I looked at the disappointment in his face.  I took myself to my bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face and started to mask over the pain.  Each stroke of foundation wiped a thousand tears away, each stroke of blush wiped a thousand tears away.  At the completion of my masterpiece, I was transformed into this new, happy, full of life individual.  I was somebody else.  Maybe for only a few moments, but I was transformed to someone that believed and felt positivity.

Closing my eyes.

Praying for new beginnings,

Praying for new opportunities.

Closing my eyes,

Praying that I am given another chance to prove I am worthy of happiness, worthy of success...Give me the opportunity!

Praying that I give myself a chance to prove to myself that I am worthy of all good things.

Closing my eyes, tears shedding, tears rolling down my cheeks, dripping off my chin, sight blurred and heart aching.

Closing my eyes because I have not found my place yet. 

Closing my eyes because I am on this search for happiness that seems to never show itself.

Closing my eyes because I continuously hurt those that love me and accept me for who I am.

Closing my eyes because I am praying their is a higher being, praying over me, answering my prayers, full of faith that the woman that I am is yet to show herself.

Closing my eyes that he can look at me with pride, with happiness, with joy.

Closing my eyes that he can look at me through the pain I am and have caused him and know it is just another test of our unity.

Closing my eyes and praying hard that he has the strength to push me and continuously guide me through the trenches I place myself into.

Closing my eyes that I believe enough in myself and love myself enough to fight through the pain, learning to forgive, therefore forgetting the pain that others placed onto me.

I put on my mask today to appreciate sacrifice and appreciate those that continuously support me through the good and bad.  Those that challenge me and believe in me.

I put that smile on and declare I will not let the devil take me today.  Today, I will love me for me, all my imperfections, all my fuck ups.  I will close my eyes and envision those that love me for me, despite all my imperfections.  I will close my eyes and open my heart with appreciation for love, for life for another chance.  I will because I am!

I Am Good!

For those wondering/concerned, etc...to answer a few inbox messages...I enjoy writing, I enjoy reaching deep within and believe that self expression is the key to happiness, a key to self preservation...I am good, real good.  I stay positive and look at the best life has to offer.  I simply write to release the negative energy within so I can continue to stay positive for myself and those around me.  I am human, I cry a thousand tears, I dream a thousand dreams, I smile a thousand smiles, I live life each second, each minute, each hour because my life is going to be what I make it.  I accept what I am in control of.  I accept that I am truly in control of my own happiness, I am good, simply exercising self expression at its fullest!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!! I AM IN PAIN!!!

Hold me, caress me, tell me you love me!

Those are the words I have been searching for.

Searching for years, and I have yet to feel them , to hear them.

Say you love me!

Say you care for me!

Say you are my one and only!

Tell me you will not allow harm to unto me!

Tell me I am the one and only!

Hold me, caress me, tell me you love me!

I feel the pain in between!

I feel the rejection of true love!

I feel the rejection of purity!

I feel the love of innocence!

Within moments, my life has changed!

I am no longer able to trust!

I am no longer to believe!

I can only believe that I am worthy of something greater because I have screamed and yelled nothing else!

I have only screamed the cry for help!

I have only screamed that my cries have been heard.

My pain, my heartache has been understood, no retribution, simple understanding of my heartache.

Pray with me!

Pray for me!

Pray that I have answered other young girl’s prayers!

It is the sickness we do not want to address!

It is the sickness we do not want to correct!

It is the sickness we do not want to address because it is the devil itself!

WAKE UP, I AM THE SUVIVOR, WHAT ABOUT THOSE THAT ARE LESS UNFORTUNATE?

WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE THAT HAVE NO VOICE BECAUSE THEY ARE THE UNSPOKEN? 

They are the ones that work day by day and have emptied their hearts of the pain they have endured!

Peace be with you, I understand.

When others cannot accept or turn a blind eye, I understand, I relate, I cry with you, night and day, stay strong, there is a tomorrow, there is a compromise!

Close your eyes, accept that not all pain can be corrected, understand that your pain provides empowerment to others!  Pray and peace be with you!

Peace be with you!

FUCKKKKKK, I can’t take it, it is not fair and I am tired of being the spoken of a few!  I want to have a meaning!

I want to have a purpose!

I am tired, I am done…why care when no one else does?   I have positioned my children, my future, I have done what I have supposed to have done.  I am proud to be a part of the next generation.  Leave me, let me, allow me to be at ease, allow me to do what I was meant to do!  Allow me to make a mark that I most likely not would not have been able to make!   Allow me to take a stand with no reservation, allow me to engulf the wishes of my children….I have raised them, I have molded them, allow me to let my child be the leader he is meant to be…at this moment, at this very moment!

I am so tired, as I lay me down……beat me, push me, tell me, repeatedly, my role is not done….stay with me, pray with me, mediate with me, remind me my self worth…just a few moments…BREATH , BREATH, HAVE FAITH, KNOCK THE DEVIL FROM MY GRIPS!  THANK YOU LORD! 

Not religious, this is truly a moment of self-preservation!!!!!!!

Interesting how things work itself out!!!

Accept, Believe and Appreciate!

There are times I awaken in the night and I am frightened, I am afraid of the place I am at that very moment.

There are times I awaken in the night and I am frightened, I am afraid of how I got where I was at that very moment.

Reality, I have lost perspective!

I have lost perspective of accepting my place on this earth as I have been granted at this very moment!

I have lost perspective that I am NOT the one in control. 

Yes, we preach to our young that they are control of their destiny,

The truth, they are not!  There is a higher calling!

There is a calling of all those in combat and I am one of those that must decide if I am ready for that battle.

Am I ready to battle the evil of the world?

Funny, it is at that moment that you realize that you are as strong as you declare yourself to be. 

There are others that are stronger.

They are stronger because they declare their superiority over all others.

They do not allow others to steal their joy!

They do not allow others to take a stand in their place without the fight, without working through all the opposition and sacrifice!

They declare their position in life!

They demand to be respected!

They demand to be appreciated and loved for who they are without any reservation!

It is my job to nurture and build that seed because it is because of them we are who we are today.

It is because of those that have struggled, those that wiped the sweat and tears away that have brought us to this point of success.

Without the sacrifice, sweat and tears of those before us, we would be nothing!

Accept and appreciate the sacrifice of others to know and understand why and how you stand today!

You are nothing without the sacrifices of those before us!  Accept, Believe and Appreciate!

I am me, accept me for who I am, NO MORE, NO LESS!

The light burns my eyes,

I cannot open them,

I am paralyzed,

I am paralyzed to life,

I cannot face life,

I cannot face my life,

The light burns my eyes and I cannot open them because I am paralyzed to life and paralyzed facing life as I see it at this moment.

My heart races,

It races a hundred beats a minute,

I can’t catch my breath,

It feels as if the world has swallowed me whole,

I can’t catch my breath,

I can’t face my life,

My heart races, beats a hundred beats a minute, I can’t catch my breath because it feels as if the world has swallowed me whole, I can’t catch my breath as I face my life as I see it at this moment.

I take a deep breath and I begin my much needed meditation.

As I take each breath, I remember my purpose, I remember where my strength has come from, I remember I am my only enemy because I have someone that looks upon me and guides me through the trials and tribulations of life.

I remember that I am the only one that could want more for myself, more than anyone else wants for me.

I remember that I am a force to be reckoned with because I am the warrior that stands strong.  I am the warrior that fights for the fighter within.  I must, I will fight for redemption.  I must, I will fight for inner peace.

Hold me tight, whisper in my ear, tell me I am loved, tell me I am needed, tell me I am the only one that can ultimately fight for my own survival. 

The light burns my eyes and I cannot open them because I am paralyzed to life and paralyzed facing life as I see it at this moment.

My heart races, beats a hundred beats a minute, I can’t catch my breath because it feels as if the world has swallowed me whole, I can’t catch my breath as I face my life as I see it at this moment.

As I take each breath, I remember my purpose, I remember where my strength has come from, I remember I am my only enemy because I have someone that looks upon me and guides me through the trials and tribulations of life.

Today I am weak, tomorrow I awaken a strong warrior, a warrior that simply needed rest, needed to be rejuvenated, one that needed to understand self-worth.

I am somebody, I am worthy, I am me, with all my faults, I am somebody.

Accept me for who I am, pass no judgment as you know not what I have endured. 

Accept my imperfections, share in my sorrow, rejoice as I reclaim my life!

I am who I am because of what I have endured. 

I am who I am because I have allowed myself to be who I am, no judgment, just acceptance that I am who I am because I am human, I have failure, I have successes, but at the end, I am me.

Love me, love me for all of my imperfections, love me for all of my successes, don’t try to pass judgment, simply understand I have endured more than I am due and I am tired, I am so tired.

Accept me for who I am, no less, no more.

I have and I am okay with who I am. 

I have and I am okay with where I am.

I have and I have decided if you can’t accept me for who I am today, you are not worthy of who I will be tomorrow!

I Can Make it Another Day, Because of You!

I push him away.

I push him away because he loves me.

I push him away because he doesn’t hurt me.

I don’t know how to stop pushing you away.

I love you with all my heart.

You are there when no one else is.

You love me, despite all my imperfections.

You love me for me.

I fuck up all the time, but you continue to love me.

You love me for me.

Thank you, you were and always have been my knight and shining armor.

The day you came into my life, that was the right moment…right second, right minute, right hour.

I was on the path to self-destruction.

I didn’t care.

I had nothing to lose at that moment.

I wanted all the pain to stop.

You gave me a reason to live.

I can never repay you for my life.

People don’t understand our unity,

But our unity is solid!

It is a unity filled with true love, true sacrifice, true commitment!

You loved me for me!

You loved me despite all my imperfections!

You catch me when I fall, which is very often lately, THANK YOU!

You tell me when I fuck up!

You tell me what areas I need to approve on!

You tell me what I am good at, when I am good at something, THANK YOU!

You are my knight and shining …I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT AND BELIEVE THAT!

Maybe it sounds like a fairy tale…but it is not!

I am telling you, you are my rock!

I am telling you, you are my soul mate!

I am telling you, you demand and expect the best from me and I am who I am because you are a part of that package.  You are the one that helped me become the woman I am today!  THANK YOU!

You do not and will not allow me to give up on myself.  You support me and demand from me the best when no one else does. 

You refuse to give up on me.

No matter how much I push you away, no matter how much I hurt you, YOU LOVE ME!  THANK YOU!

While others wait forever to find someone that loves them as much as you love me, I have found my angel.  I have found my protector!

I might not tell you enough, but I love you…with everything I have…you help me make me…you complete me…

You are the true definition of love!  I laugh at our children because they understand too well the true meaning of love...They want to be us.  They want to have that relationship with their other half that we have…WOW!  How many teenagers want to have the life/relationship with their other self that we their parents have!

Keep pushing me!

Keep demanding me to get my shit together!

Expect the best from me, it is what has helped me become me! 

My safety net, my protector, my true other half!

Thank you!  This is what helps me get through those trying times!

Don't Give Up on Life!

I am standing, staring intensely, as if I am watching a movie on the big screen.  Unfortunately, I am watching the story of my life.  In very slow motion.   I am watching a story of my life that appears to be falling apart right in front of me, out of control, with brakes out of commission and the safety brake non-existent. 

I awake, awake from what I pray is a dreadful dream, only to realize it is the story of my life.  I force myself from my bed.  Tears on my pillow, wet from a thousand tears.  Weeping throughout the night, forcing my eyes closed because I don’t want to wake from the pain I am feeling.  I raise my body, pull my legs to the side of the bed, and rise.  Eyes crusted from all the tears flowing throughout the night.  I force my legs to guide the rest of my body to the bathroom.  I must splash my face with water.  I must wash the pain from my face. 

It is a new day, time to rejuvenate oneself and make things happen.  No one is really interested in how I am feeling.  Everyone has their own shit going on.  I must wash the pain from my face.  Full facade is in effect.  I am good at that.  Makeup, hair, dress…yes, full façade is in effect.  Just have to be able to put the façade on.  Today, this morning, it is not working out so easily.

The only problem…today is a harder day to deal with life.  I have been in the practice of working through my pain and today my emotions will not let me run from them.  Tears roll down my cheeks, off my chin, down my neck.  My breathing intensifies.  My heartbeat intensifies.  I start to feel tingling in my fingers, my neck, my eyes, continuing onto my forehead.  Before I know it, my legs release from under me and I cannot control the cries.  Today, this morning, the pain I am feeling is unbearable.  I am not in control of my emotions at this very moment. 

…

…

I could feel my body relax.  I could feel my mind become comatose.  I feel like I have leaped back decades.  Leaped back to where I don’t want to go, where I never wanted to go again.  I have run so hard, so far from those memories.  I swore I was not going to let the memories of heartbreak define who I was.  I swore I was past this point.  I had dealt with the pain for 10 whole years.  I had earned my happiness.  The pain I had encountered so long ago made me who I am today.  I am the strong, confident, out spoken woman I am today because of the pain I went through.  I was not going to allow my voice not to be heard.  I was not going to be over powered ever again.  I was going to define myself without any hesitation, without any obstacles, without anyone telling me different.  If there were any obstacles I needed to overcome, I was going to succeed at working through it.  I was going to be a force to be reckoned with.  I was going to let everyone understand clearly, I was not the one to be messed with.  I was not going to be the one to be taken advantage of.  I was just not the one.

While I have always thought I had dealt with the pain I had endured, I have realized I still carried the pain.  At this moment…and other moments, I understood, I might have dealt with the pain, but I would always carry my experiences with me for the rest of my life.  I had to use the tools I had been taught to work through this crisis I was dealing with at this moment. 

I had to tell the little girl within that she was loved, she is loved and she will always be loved.  I had to tell the little girl within that she was beautiful, she was smart and she would be missed.  I had to tell the little girl within that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for herself, but for all the little girls that were in pain.

I had to tell the teenager within that she was loved, she is loved and she will always be loved.  I had to tell the teenager within that she was beautiful, she was smart and she would be missed.  I had to tell the teenager within that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for herself, but for all of the teenagers that were in pain. 

I had to tell the young woman within that she was loved, she is loved and she will always be loved.  I had to tell the young woman within that she was beautiful, she was smart and she would be missed.  I had to tell the young woman within that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for herself, but for all of the young woman that were in pain.

…

…

The tears rolling with such fierce…

The sobs releasing with such fierce…

My body shaking with such fierce…

The pain releasing from my body with such fierce…

At this very moment, I only had my will to live.  I had a purpose and I would be damned if I would let the demons from my past control my destiny.  I would be damned if I would let those that harmed me in my past define my destiny.  I would not let them win.  I would not allow them to be in control. 

With all of my strength, I took a deep breath, wiped the tears and lifted… at that very moment…my almost lifeless body off the floor.  I forced myself to my bathroom mirror and stared intensely.  Repeatedly I spoke with passion and with love at the being gazing back at me…

Little girl, you are loved!

Teenager, you are loved!

Young woman, you are loved!

Look at how your pain has allowed you to touch others!

Look at how your pain has allowed you to be such a strong woman!

Look at how your pain has touched others and bring joy to so many!

You are the only one that can convince yourself that you are somebody, you have a purpose!

Wipe those tears away child!

Wipe those tears away teenager!

Wipe those tears away young woman!

…

…

Full facade is in effect.  I am good at that.  Makeup, hair, dress…yes, full façade is in effect.  Just have to be able to put the façade on.  I am good.  If I have to put the full façade in effect every day to make it to the next day, so be it…I am not sure yet, but I know I have a purpose. 

Every moment, every second, every minute, every hour, every opportunity, I am striving to reach my own self defined success!

I dream, I pray, I believe!

Today is just one of those days I have to dream harder!

Today is just one of those days I have to pray harder!

Today is just one of those days I have to believe harder!

Today will be tomorrow, because I have not given up on myself!

Full facade is in effect.  I am good at that.  Makeup, hair, dress…yes, full façade is in effect.  Just have to be able to put the façade on.  I am good.  If I have to put the full façade in effect every day to make it to the next day, so be it…I am not sure yet, but I know I have a purpose.