I awake, awake from what I pray is a dreadful dream, only to
realize it is the story of my life. I force
myself from my bed. Tears on my pillow,
wet from a thousand tears. Weeping
throughout the night, forcing my eyes closed because I don’t want to wake from
the pain I am feeling. I raise my body,
pull my legs to the side of the bed, and rise.
Eyes crusted from all the tears flowing throughout the night. I force my legs to guide the rest of my body
to the bathroom. I must splash my face
with water. I must wash the pain from my
face.
It is a new day, time to rejuvenate oneself and make things
happen. No one is really interested in
how I am feeling. Everyone has their own
shit going on. I must wash the pain from
my face. Full facade is in effect. I am good at that. Makeup, hair, dress…yes, full façade is in
effect. Just have to be able to put the façade
on. Today, this morning, it is not
working out so easily.
The only problem…today is a harder day to deal with
life. I have been in the practice of working
through my pain and today my emotions will not let me run from them. Tears roll down my cheeks, off my chin, down my
neck. My breathing intensifies. My heartbeat intensifies. I start to feel tingling in my fingers, my
neck, my eyes, continuing onto my forehead.
Before I know it, my legs release from under me and I cannot control the
cries. Today, this morning, the pain I am
feeling is unbearable. I am not in
control of my emotions at this very moment.
…
…
I could feel my body relax.
I could feel my mind become comatose.
I feel like I have leaped back decades.
Leaped back to where I don’t want to go, where I never wanted to go
again. I have run so hard, so far from
those memories. I swore I was not going
to let the memories of heartbreak define who I was. I swore I was past this point. I had dealt with the pain for 10 whole years. I had earned my happiness. The pain I had encountered so long ago made
me who I am today. I am the strong,
confident, out spoken woman I am today because of the pain I went through. I was not going to allow my voice not to be
heard. I was not going to be over
powered ever again. I was going to
define myself without any hesitation, without any obstacles, without anyone
telling me different. If there were any obstacles
I needed to overcome, I was going to succeed at working through it. I was going to be a force to be reckoned
with. I was going to let everyone
understand clearly, I was not the one to be messed with. I was not going to be the one to be taken
advantage of. I was just not the one.
While I have always thought I had dealt with the pain I had
endured, I have realized I still carried the pain. At this moment…and other moments, I
understood, I might have dealt with the pain, but I would always carry my
experiences with me for the rest of my life.
I had to use the tools I had been taught to work through this crisis I
was dealing with at this moment.
I had to tell the little girl within that she was loved, she
is loved and she will always be loved. I
had to tell the little girl within that she was beautiful, she was smart and she
would be missed. I had to tell the little
girl within that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for
herself, but for all the little girls that were in pain.
I had to tell the teenager within that she was loved, she is
loved and she will always be loved. I
had to tell the teenager within that she was beautiful, she was smart and she would
be missed. I had to tell the teenager within
that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for herself, but
for all of the teenagers that were in pain.
I had to tell the young woman within that she was loved, she
is loved and she will always be loved. I
had to tell the young woman within that she was beautiful, she was smart and
she would be missed. I had to tell the young
woman within that she had a purpose and she needed to be strong not just for
herself, but for all of the young woman that were in pain.
…
…
The tears rolling with such fierce…
The sobs releasing with such fierce…
My body shaking with such fierce…
The pain releasing from my body with such fierce…
At this very moment, I only had my will to live. I had a purpose and I would be damned if I
would let the demons from my past control my destiny. I would be damned if I would let those that
harmed me in my past define my destiny.
I would not let them win. I would
not allow them to be in control.
With all of my strength, I took a deep breath, wiped the
tears and lifted… at that very moment…my almost lifeless body off the
floor. I forced myself to my bathroom
mirror and stared intensely. Repeatedly
I spoke with passion and with love at the being gazing back at me…
Little girl, you are loved!
Teenager, you are loved!
Young woman, you are loved!
Look at how your pain has allowed you to touch others!
Look at how your pain has allowed you to be such a strong woman!
Look at how your pain has touched others and bring joy to so
many!
You are the only one that can convince yourself that you are
somebody, you have a purpose!
Wipe those tears away child!
Wipe those tears away teenager!
Wipe those tears away young woman!
…
…
Full facade is in effect.
I am good at that. Makeup, hair,
dress…yes, full façade is in effect.
Just have to be able to put the façade on. I am good.
If I have to put the full façade in effect every day to make it to the
next day, so be it…I am not sure yet, but I know I have a purpose.
Every moment, every second, every minute, every hour, every
opportunity, I am striving to reach my own self defined success!
I dream, I pray, I believe!
Today is just one of those days I have to dream harder!
Today is just one of those days I have to pray harder!
Today is just one of those days I have to believe harder!
Today will be tomorrow, because I have not given up on
myself!
Full facade is in effect.
I am good at that. Makeup, hair,
dress…yes, full façade is in effect.
Just have to be able to put the façade on. I am good.
If I have to put the full façade in effect every day to make it to the
next day, so be it…I am not sure yet, but I know I have a purpose.
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