It was this morning I woke up, yet, once again and swore to myself I was to be strong. But, once again I have allowed the devil to take control. I have allowed the devil to let my past, whether sins against me or those I placed upon myself because of immature, childish beliefs that I was untouchable....whatever, I am in a fucked up place today.
I forced myself out of the bed. 7:30 am, hubby walking out the door on his way to work...2nd job, working 7 days a week to keep us afloat...always doing what needs to be done for the family!
At first I just went to our bonus room. I just wanted to watch television...didn't want to deal with life. Regardless, I was awake. The voices in my head, the memories from my past were loud, yelling, shouting, demanding to be acknowledged. Every awakened moment, the fight to forget lessened a thousands decimals. I had to remind myself it was not forgetting, but forgiving. It was/needed to forgive those that harmed me because I was the only one truly suffering. I was the one that was not at a place of peace. I was the one that was suffering daily. All because I had not learned to forgive. I needed to move on.
Today, not working. 10 years of intense therapy and the tools I learned had no standing and no chance today. I was angry, I was hurt, I felt so abandoned at my greatest time of need. No one seemed to understand. I looked at the disappointment in his face. I took myself to my bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face and started to mask over the pain. Each stroke of foundation wiped a thousand tears away, each stroke of blush wiped a thousand tears away. At the completion of my masterpiece, I was transformed into this new, happy, full of life individual. I was somebody else. Maybe for only a few moments, but I was transformed to someone that believed and felt positivity.
Closing my eyes.
Praying for new beginnings,
Praying for new opportunities.
Closing my eyes,
Praying that I am given another chance to prove I am worthy of happiness, worthy of success...Give me the opportunity!
Praying that I give myself a chance to prove to myself that I am worthy of all good things.
Closing my eyes, tears shedding, tears rolling down my cheeks, dripping off my chin, sight blurred and heart aching.
Closing my eyes because I have not found my place yet.
Closing my eyes because I am on this search for happiness that seems to never show itself.
Closing my eyes because I continuously hurt those that love me and accept me for who I am.
Closing my eyes because I am praying their is a higher being, praying over me, answering my prayers, full of faith that the woman that I am is yet to show herself.
Closing my eyes that he can look at me with pride, with happiness, with joy.
Closing my eyes that he can look at me through the pain I am and have caused him and know it is just another test of our unity.
Closing my eyes and praying hard that he has the strength to push me and continuously guide me through the trenches I place myself into.
Closing my eyes that I believe enough in myself and love myself enough to fight through the pain, learning to forgive, therefore forgetting the pain that others placed onto me.
I put on my mask today to appreciate sacrifice and appreciate those that continuously support me through the good and bad. Those that challenge me and believe in me.
I put that smile on and declare I will not let the devil take me today. Today, I will love me for me, all my imperfections, all my fuck ups. I will close my eyes and envision those that love me for me, despite all my imperfections. I will close my eyes and open my heart with appreciation for love, for life for another chance. I will because I am!
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