The Saddle of Life

"Sit loosely in the saddle of life."

Robert Louis Stevenson

I often struggle with my relationship with others.  This might be relationships within my family, those I consider to be friends of mine, and then those that are acquaintances.

There are many times I find myself thinking too deeply about what others think of me and whether I am truly being accepted by them.  Then there are times when I am so focused on trying to prove myself to others that I get lost.  This lost is me not thinking about how I feel, what is best for me and not getting all caught up in other's feelings.

The thing about wanting to be accepted and understood is this is not always possible.  There are people that are put in our lives for a reason.  All the reasons they are put in your life is a good reason.  Each person is teaching a lesson to you about how you view yourself and how you feel about yourself.  

I find the ones that are critical of me without empathy and insist on placing their beliefs onto me are those that are uncomfortable with whatever the situation might be.  

I have to realize that this discomfort is NOT my issue, not my problem.  When discussions become heated and I too often find myself trying to make someone else understand why I do what I do, or how I feel about something, especially when they are in disagreement.  

The truth is, this is THEIR shit to deal with, not mine.

I am not in control of others, whether it is the choices they make, or how they feel about me.  I can only be in control of myself and how I deal with whatever that situation might be.

If I am working towards inner-peace and self-acceptance, this cannot come from anyone else other than myself.

The same goes for how I deal with others and their situations and/or actions.

My well-being is worth more than someone's feelings about me.

Regardless of My Past: Monday, September 14, 2015 - 6:15 PM

Regardless of my past I believe that it serves a purpose.  I realize if I am ashamed of, or focus on all that has been negative rather than focus on every good thing that has happened and continues to happen, I will not be able to heal.  I will not be able to forgive myself, and that alone will be sure to play a role in my demise.

I have to truly trust and believe that everything happens for a reason and I AM EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

A Good Day!

So, today is a new day.  Everyday is a new day for me.  Not literally speaking as a new day of the week.  It is a new day that I decided I am going to wake up and have a good day, a productive, an okay day regardless of all the crazy thoughts that invade my scrambled mind of mixed emotions.  

Today I am able to go back to my intensive therapy program even though I missed three in a row.  Today I am happy for a new day to get healthier.  For that today is a good day for me.

Even if I have moments of self-pity, detachment, and the fight in me is tired, today is a good day.  I have something to look forward to.  I have a moment of clarity that I want to get better.  I am allowed to have those bad moments.  However, it is not how many bad moments I have, it is my willingness to get better and get back to the old me.

Today is a good day because have had a day of focus, a day of believing I am worthy to be happy and the belief that I will get better.

As I remind myself, not just daily, but sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, and sometime by second, I am right where I should be at this very moment and I have to have faith.  It is not my job to question, just my job to fight for myself, just as much as my lived ones that I deserve to be happy, healthy and forging.my past does not define me.  My actions, my perseverance and fight is.

Today is a good day!

Goodnight - 9/24/2015 -9:57 PM

What seemed like a good rest of the evening ended up frustrating, but not the end all for the day.  No crisis, simply me accepting what is, is.  I totally missed a test in my Stats class. Can't make excuses, find reasons to allow me to creep into crisis, or allow myself to be distracted for positive healing.

I did complete my literature homework though - success.  Between therapy tomorrow evening and soccer games tomorrow, have to stay on schedule to be on top of my school assignments!

So, it is 10 PM, time to take my medication, be able to have a restful sleep without (praying) nightmares and waking up afraid.  Yes, medication is a blessing sometimes.  When I can't sleep, I start down a slipper slope.

5:30 PM...

It is 5:30 PM on Wednesday, September 24th and the day seems to be going so long.  I have so many things on my mind.  To keep my focused, I made sure I forced myself up to go to work, not just get my girls out for school.  I arrived at work, started tapping had on the keyboard and completed a lot of tasks.  Tasks I have not had any energy to do all week.  Yes, physically sick, but have to admit, a lot of it was mental.

I have been writing a lot today because my therapist believes that writing will help me.  Not just writing down when I am in crisis and having flashbacks.  Also writing when I am just feeling things.  Good and bad.

So, at this very moment, I have finished work, but doing some homework so my night is a little calm and I can actually do some relaxing.  I intend to continue homework when I get home, but also I plan to try to do some self-soothing exercises.  Anything to keep me moving forward in a healthy way.  Anything to keep me positive and focus on the good things going for myself.

I am ready to get my life back.  I have been saying this for awhile.  Unfortunately I have good days, but more bad days.  Today I will consider a good day, just because I have left my couch, left my home and doing something productive rather than sleeping my life away.

I have my intensive program tomorrow evening.  I have missed the last three, so hopefully they will allow me to continue.  I left a message, asked that they allow me to return tomorrow evening.  That is all I can hope for.  I am trying to do what I can so I do not end up back in the hospital.  I am trying to do what I can so I do not get so depressed that it is even harder than what it is right now to climb out of where I am now.

I have so many things on my mind I want to write about, but I think just writing what is on my mind right now is enough.  I have to be thankful for the little things and the little accomplishments.  These add up and these are exceptional accomplishments for me at this time.

Until later...

Willingness To Positive Living

In a constant attempt to continue my self-healing, I am always making change that will hopefully be positive for me at the end of my journey.  While I am clear that my journey will be life-long, I am willing to do, make any sacrifices needed to reach the point when I am okay with me.  This includes who I was, who I am today, who I am working towards being and learning to accept my past, my decisions, my responsibility to each and every circumstance and be okay with the person I am today. 

Tomorrow is NEVER promised.  Only this very moment.  When I evaluate myself, I always ask myself why didn’t I, why did I, what the hell was I thinking, why did I not continue on that road.  I have learned that I cannot continue to do this.  It is not healthy and only impedes on my healing process.  Unfortunately, when I am down on myself, it is so much easier to question or doubt myself.

I have always strived for excellence.  However, I sometimes do not wonder what that really means to me.  I do understand that my definition of success does not necessarily have to be what is defined by others, by society.  Each time I am successful as I have deemed to be a successful outcome, I am exactly that, successful.  Sometimes success means accomplishing little steps that will help me get to the next step.

There are plenty of times I do not know who I am, who I want to be.  I have had these moments so many times for close to two years now.  I have lost my sense of self.  I have hated myself and the person I have become or allowed myself to become.  I have hated to look at myself in the mirror and remind the woman in the mirror that she is loved.  I have had to use other’s love to keep me going every day and I do not like that feeling.

So, this morning, I decided to temporary deactivate my FB account.  While I realize I do posts a lot of thoughts, I have always been okay with expressing myself whether it was uncomfortable for others.  My thought process has always been, if it makes me feel better and keeps me going to let it out, then it is what I need to do for me.  I cannot and should not allow others discomfort dictate how and what I will do to put myself in a “safe” place because at the end of the day, it is me that is trying to keep me safe and moving forward.  Unfortunately, this causes more craziness than I am willing to deal with at this time.

I have to be willing to let go of negative energy.  This includes people and things.  I have to be realize when negativity is surrounding me and hurting my healing.  I have to be willing to do what is needed to keep a positive aura and get in touch with my inner-self and use mindless and self-soothing techniques to help keep me grounded.

My current therapist supports me in my blogging and expressing myself.  She thinks by writing it out I am allowing myself to get it out and make it less powerful.  For years I have felt that I was in a world that preached self-healing, positive mental healing, but our society is not ready for that yet.  We as a society question when people suffer depression, do thinks that is considered unthinkable, but our society is not willing, or able to deal with those that suffer mentally.  When others feel uncomfortable with others, they do not want to hear it, see it, or deal with it.  So, without saying to “keep it to yourself,” they are. 

I am going to do what I need to do for myself.  Every day I am going to continue to push forward, push myself and remind myself that each day is a new day.  Each day is a positive day and to continue to stay positive, even at times when it seems impossible.  I am going to keep doing what I need to do so that I can continue to get better and get back to the person that I enjoyed being a couple of years ago.  I am going to continue believing that I am a good person and worthy of happiness and that this is just a turn from the main road.  The road I am traveling is the road I am supposed to be traveling and I have to, I need to embrace this fact.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment and no matter how daunting the road may be to travel.  Everything happens for a reason and once I embrace this belief that I have, I will be okay because tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone and today is here!

Everyday...

Everyday I wake up and wonder if this will be the day.  Everyday I lay my head I wonder if this is the day.

What is that day?  It is the day when I have had enough and no longer am willing to fight.  No longer willing to fight to live a life of happiness, of the thought and belief that it will be a good day, a day when life is so worth living for.

Don't get me wrong.  I have so much to live for.  Despite all of the negative energy that surrounds me and seems to attach to me like a leach sucking all the blood from my veins, there is a lot of positive energy.

But, sometimes it is not enough.  It is not enough because the pain is so excruciating and it seems to over power anything full of life.

So, I hold on tight.  I hold on with dear life.  At night when the flashbacks become unbearable I wrap my legs around my husbands' and I hold on tight until he awakens, feels my uneasiness, and holds me tighter.

I get tired of the fight.

I get tired of those that do not understand, yet still judge.  

I get tired or proving myself worthy.  Even though I know I have proved myself to have integrity and be a good, positive person, and role-model.

I get tired!  I am simply tired because it seems through experience, my few imperfections outweigh any good I have done.

It makes me mad!

It makes me angry!

The stigma associated with having a mental defect is sometimes too much to bare.

I suffer from PTSD from multiple traumas, as a direct result of those traumas, I suffer from depression.

I have good days, I have bad days.

My bad days are full of me sleeping in, not wanting to dress, too afraid to go outside.  When I have to go outside during these times, I end up in crisis.

I have not been able to control these crisis this time around yet.  I know they are there and these are the days I am unable to get myself to shower, dress, or even eat.

Then, there are the days when the energy is so strong, so on-point, I am in "heaven."  I feel accomplished.  I feel successful.  I want to take on the world and I pray long and hard that the feelings I am having are strong enough to keep going and I stay on track.

Why can't these moments happen more often than not?

Because it is the disease.  It is a disease.  No different from working the program designed by a doctor trying to rid cancer, I have to work my program to stay mentally healthy.

Each and everyday.

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I want to go to sleep knowing the nightmare is over.

But it isn't.  Not yet, because it is and will be a nightmare that will forever be there until I am able to control the strong feelings that come with it.

One day, just one day...I will wake from this nightmare and have the control of whether I will let it take over my being.

But today, I am working through it and when I am done, those that had doubts or took away from what kept me going...they will wonder.

You will wonder what you lost because this is just the beginning.  My story had just begun!

The Little Things That Make You Laugh

Your daughter telling her Daddy that he is homie and him replying that it is not okay for her to call any of her friends homie.

.Having a serious conversation with the hubby about how you are practicing mindfulness and then him using mindfulness in every other sentence while trying to explain how we will conduct our lives mindfully in the home.

The hubby repeating and trying to get the girls to enjoy a fishwich sandwich....

Reminiscing about greasing and braiding hair in the bathtub with the girls to get their thick and curly hair braided for the week.

Daughter trying to be funny and make a smart remark while getting her hair greased and you tugging at it, wishing you had a comb to pop her one on the scalp...hahahaha

Youngest child washing dishes and the only people in the kitchen are her with the parents, telling them how beautiful and relaxing it will be in another year with only us in the house...I am thinking about that comment very carefully!'

Most importantly, cherishing all of the special and little moments and being grateful about the little things that make you laugh...being mindful...

HAPPINESS FROM WITHIN

The last few weeks have been difficult, while at the same time eye-opening and refreshing.  I have had to step back and observe everything in my life, from the people in it, those who I surround myself with, the things I do and don’t do, to how I feel about myself and the place I am in right now.

I can honestly say it is not all bad at all.  I have been on a roller coaster so many times before.  I have felt like I was at my lowest point, so many times before.  Each time I am low, I feel as if I am lower than the time before.  Interesting enough though, each time I come out a little bit stronger, with a little bit more fight, and with more love of myself than before.

Sometimes I want to sleep and not wake up.  I hate to be asked the questions if I feel like I want to hurt myself or want to die.  That is always an awkward question for me because I am truly not sure how different wanting to die or wanting to sleep and not wake up is. 

With all my heart, I do NOT want to die.  I simply want to escape, hide, and become invisible when I am hurting and feel afraid.  I do not want to feel the feelings I am feeling. 

With all my heart I want to get better.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel safe.  I want to know and truly believe that there is happiness at the end of my journey.  I want to grow old with my husband and watch my children fulfill their dreams.  I want to be a part of their journey.

I want to truly experience success.  I want to reach a goal that I set for myself, that will benefit me and one that I can truly appreciate.  Raising children and watching them become productive adults is a success, but I do not want that to be the only thing I take pride in as being something that I was a part of and contributed.

I want to finish school.  Not just my associates, but my bachelor’s and then my master’s degree.  I want to find a job that will allow me to really utilize my skills and that will compensate me fairly.  I want to earn money that will allow me to struggle even though I work so hard. 

I want to find things that I truly enjoy and actually do them without any barriers.  I want to experience life as I dreamed it would be when I was younger.

I am not complaining.  I am simply trying to figure out what I need to do so that my life is more than what it is now.  As much as I have always said I enjoyed during certain activities, specifically my volunteer activities, I lately have had to question what that enjoyment really was. 

My children are older and within the next two years, all will hopefully be in college, experiencing life as young adults.  Before my last one goes off to school, I want to find more meaning, other meaning in my life.  I want to evaluate and have conversation with my husband about our dreams.  I want to plan for life beyond children, life with each other.  I want to sit on a back porch of a new home, a bit away from any chaos, and enjoy my husband.  I want to travel and experience life.

Part of getting to this point is finding activities that allows me to learn who I am, what I like and what I enjoy doing that makes me happy.  There are mindful activities that will help me with this.  I definitely realize that.  I have to learn to put aside the time so that I am not always running and doing, but simply enjoying life, enjoying myself, and enjoying being with me.

 “Happiness cannot come from without.  It must come from within.”

- Helen Keller          

I cannot depend on my happiness from others or things.  I have to be happy with myself, love myself, and enjoying being with myself.  Once I learn to do this I can truly enjoy life itself.

It Really Happened!

It’s a dream, I know it is a dream.

It has to be a dream.

In my dream, I have super powers.  I am strong, I am unbeatable, I am fierce.

In my dream I am safe and no one can hurt me.

No, it is not a dream.

I am weak, I have no fight, I am feeble, over powered.

I know this is not a dream because I can feel the pain, deep within, mentally, physically, I can feel the pain.

“What is this? I refuse to drink it, I won’t drink it.  This is too strong and what is that white stuff floating on top?”

“Stop acting like a baby, drink it, and take off your clothes!”

“Let me be, I don’t want it.”

I do nothing, refusing to give in.  I have to believe that he won’t hurt me again.  I want to believe, but know I really don’t.  After all, the last time he hurt me so bad, threatened me and scared me to death.  I knew if I didn’t do as he said, he would hurt me when he came for me.  This time I would go with him, without a fight.  I could not afford for him to show up unexpected.  If I refused, he would hurt me worse.  Just like before.  In my heart I had to believe doing as he said would save me the pain later.

“Michelle, I am tired of asking you.  Don’t make me force you.  I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to feel myself in you, for you to submit like a girlfriend should.”

“I am not your girlfriend!  I don’t want to do this, how many times do I have to tell you this?  You keep promising me you will leave me alone but each time you hurt me worse than before and you still threaten me and force me to do this.  I don’t want to do this!”

“Fine, I guess I will send the video to your husband in the mail.  Once I put it in the mail, I cannot take it back.  Your husband will see it and will think that you are having an affair with me.  No one will know how drunk and drugged you were, they will just see you submitting to me and letting me take you.  You can’t even tell that I raped and drugged you.”

“Please don’t, please don’t hurt me anymore.  I will listen, I won’t fight back, I will do ask you ask, just don’t hurt me anymore.”

No matter how much I plea, it means nothing.  He has the intention to do as he pleases.  The more fight, the worse the choke, the worse the hit, the more I have to beg and squirm to keep my hands from being tied behind me.  The first taste of the drink, instantly making me gag. It burns as it goes down my throat.  The white stuff has not mixed well. I can taste the powdery taste, I just know it is some type of pill.  No different from the last time.  But, like before, I still did not know what it was.  I was hoping this time he would tell me the truth.  At least I would know.

I fight because I cannot take another sip. 

“Michelle, you are wasting my time.  The faster you submit and let me have you, the faster you will be able to go home.”.

As he begins coming back towards me I see that hard blue plastic wrap again.  I move away and he begins to fight me, trying to tie my hands.”

“Okay, I will listen, please don’t tie me up again!”

“Drink it, drink it faster Michelle.  Take your damn clothes off or I will do it for you.”

I slowly begin removing my clothes.  I could feel my body trembling all over.  I hate what is about to happen again.  I hate I am too weak.

“Drink some of this.” He brings the straw to my face.  I push it away, but not before he grabs my wrist, squeezing it tight.

“I can’t, it is too strong, what is this stuff.”

“Something that will make you submit, calm you down so you can enjoy me deep inside you.”

“Leave me alone, I can’t.  You promised me you would not make me drink anything anymore. .

“Scared, I beg to go to the bathroom.  I stay in for what seems like only less than a minute. I suddenly hear him call to me, telling me he has given me enough time, come out and submit to him.

I wait a little longer and tell him I am not done and don’t feel well, but that only makes him angrier.  I can tell by his voice that he is not willing to wait anymore.  Reluctantly I come from the bathroom, still naked, holding my arms tightly around my body. 

“Hurry up and get over here.”

I hurry to the bed, quickly trying to get the covers wrapped around me, but just as I pull them up to cover my body, he pulls them off of me, pulls me to the floor, and puts his hand around my neck.  In fear, I quickly pull both of my hands to his one to keep him from choking me, but his grip just becomes tighter. 

“Michelle, let go and drink this, don’t make me hurt you.”

I am tired of fighting, so I take a sip, I don’t want to chance what might happen if I keep resisting.  Slowly I could feel my body weaken.  I could tell my thoughts were becoming hazy.  My sight was blurry and I was becoming very limp. 

“Drink some more, faster!”

I am not sure how much time had passed, but at points I could feel myself coming in and out of it.  I kept telling myself to fight it, fight a little harder.  I could remember small periods of him inside me, whispering in my ear.  Not sure what he was whispering sometimes, while other times I could hear him tell me, “you feel so good Michelle.  That is right, you are my girlfriend, my whore, my sex slave. I am going to have you whenever I want.  You are going to learn to submit to me and worship my cock.”

The one vivid memory I could remember (now) was waking up with him on top of me.  He was biting at my neck bone saying how beautiful it was.  He noticed that I had come to a bit and he said, “you were so good, you are going to be a good girlfriend.” 

At that point he told me to get up and “suck my cock, worship my cock.”  I started to cry and begged him to leave me alone.  At that point he got angry and asked why wasn’t I being a good sex slave, he treated me good, I was a good girlfriend, we would make a great couple.  I remember turning my head towards the door and that is when I saw it.  The camcorder on a stand, pointing straight my way.  When I went to push him away, he grabbed me by my arms to the floor.  I just remember fighting him, asking him why he was doing this.  I asked him why when he promised me he wouldn’t tape me or take pictures again. 

All the while, pushing my face towards his penis, telling me that he needed something to watch in between him seeing me and to make sure I remembered he could always send the video to my husband if I tried not to see him and not be an obedient girlfriend. 

I remember thinking to myself (I still do) how he could say in the same sentence that I was his girlfriend and his sex slave.  How in the world did those two make sense in the same sentence?

I was trying to push him away, I was determined that I was going to get out.  At this point, what did I have to lose?  Absolutely nothing.  Who cared that I was naked?  I was already on tape, this time and before.  He already had pictures of me.  

The fact was, I had not escaped!

I Pray To You!

No matter how many roadblocks I come across, I pray to You!

No matter how much I lose hope, I pray to You!

No matter how many times I want to give up, I pray to You!

Some days, some moments, You are the only one that keeps me focused, humble and safe.

Today, this moment is one of those days I lean on You, pray for Your guidance and truly believe that their is Your coat, shielding me from any external or internal harm!

Today, I pray to You to help me see the light and believe that their is comfort and hope, no matter how bad it feels, no matter how little faith I have!

Today, I pray to You!

Loving Myself, Liking Myself

There is a difference of laying around and feeling self-pity vs. exhaustion because of an extremely busy schedule.

As tired as I am, I would love to just lay on this damn couch and watch TV, I just have too much going on in my life right now.  Mostly good, but then other crap I have to deal with and work on to get resolved.  Regardless, realizing how much procrastinating I was doing, I realized I needed to get myself up and  get productive so I can have a productive week.  So many things to do, so little time.  If I do what I need to do today, it will make the week that much smoother.

Anyway, I am organizing my schedule and while I am trying to practice mindfulness, I started to feel nostalgic.  Thinking of all things that have gone on with me over the last year and a half.  Some good, some bad.  Funny and thankful though that the thoughts were about the good things this time instead of the bad things, and how those positive things would help uplift my spirit if I allowed them to.

The point of this?  Wondering how much I love myself, like myself and whether I am truly my toughest critic.  Wondering what makes me happy, why I do the things I do and what the hell do I want to do.  

I absolutely love my volunteering activities.  BUT, what am I getting out of it?  I do them because I love to help, I love the positive impact on my children, other children, and the community at-large.  After all, it is what I know.  I grew up in a family that volunteered in the community and schools.  You are what you know.  

Unfortunately things change because of situations that are sometimes out of your control.  I know though that everything happens for a reason.  What I have endured I think is more than just what had happened.  I think the aftermath and the continued effects of it all is my Higher Being forcing me to stop and take care of me.  My Higher Being knows that I needed to take care of Michelle because I was allowing my volunteer activities and busy schedule the opportunity to hide from my feelings, not face the real Michelle, put on a facade so I didn't have to see who I really was, understand who I really was and work on Michelle. 

While craziness and trauma was happening to me, I was able to hide in my volunteering.  I was trying to be in control of my life, be in control of anything and everything I could. BUT, I was so out of control.  I was not in control of anything.  My inability to look at myself and work on myself was more detrimental to me than any good I was doing in the school and community.  AND, how good of a job was I really doing at that point?  Not much?  Especially when it came to taking care of me.  How could I be any good to anyone or anything else if I was no good to myself?

So, yes, I am still going to do some things, but they will be VERY minimal, at an arms length and with evaluation of who and what I am doing it for.  It is time to be selfish to take care of myself and my family.  If it has no direct impact on me and mine, I have to let it go.  That does not mean that I don't care or I am selfish.  It just means that I am being realistic about what I can and cannot due. 

I am no one's superwoman.  I am just like so many other people and have to focus on me and my family.  

Do I love myself?  Do I like myself?  Honestly, not at this time.  I don't hate myself, I just don't like the person I look at in the mirror.  However, I am working on it.  Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.  

One bite at a time, I will peel the layers and learn to love and like myself once again.    I know I am a good person.  I just have to see what others see in myself and that begins with doing the work.  Day by day, all day long, no matter how hard it is to do sometimes.

Remembering the Good Times

When I am at my lowest, especially in crisis mode, I need to remember the positive things that have happened in my life.  I also need to remember the good times I have experienced.  It is not easy during these times, but I realize if I want to get out of that crisis mode and get myself to a better, "safe" place, this is what I need to do.

Girl Scouts:
The many destinations I traveled with my Girl Scout troops throughout the year, out of state, in state and even out of the country.  Lifetime experiences, seeing new things, meeting new, wonderful people with a lifetime of friendships.

Being a Girl Scout since I was in first grade, it was an honor and so rewarding to receive my Girl Scout Gold Award.

School
I remember the day I graduated high school a year early. Now a days it might not be much of a big deal, but when I did it, it was not one that happened to many times, and it was one of the times that I really felt truly successful.

Acceptance into 12 of my 13 universities I applied to, very "prestigious" schools ranked high in the US

Family
Meeting, dating, and then marrying my "knight & shining armor."

The birth of each of my three children.

Other
Buying my first home with my husband and moving out of state to NC

Finding a great job that I had for 4 years - lots of experiences, opportunities, growth

Returning to school to pursue my Associates degree and making the Dean's list.  Though I am not done, it has been great and I look forward to completing my degree and continuing on to finish my bachelor's degree

There are of course other events that have happened throughout my lifetime, but for now, these are the ones that I will look at when I am feeling at my lowest and need a jolt to help me get out of my funk.

The Beautiful Picture of my Footprints

Our footprints that we leave in our paths are like our fingerprints. 

No duplicates, each footprint, our own experiences.

Comparing your footprints to others left on the path, such a waste of energy,

Our choices, our response to different events, people and things that we encounter allow our footprints to be our own.

No room for duplication by others.

Appreciate and reflect on your own footprints,

Do not get trapped in following behind others step by step. 

Follow footprints only as a guide as you not know the meaning of those footprints you wish to follow.

Take what you can, only the positive and most uplifting and leave all else alone.

No judgement, no opinions, just the beauty of watching all the footprints you come to encounter.

Watch the different footprints, small, large, incomplete, slightly erased and some maybe complete,

Appreciate the beauty of those footprints.

All the individual footprints make a beautiful picture.

A picture of self-perseverance, strength, and courage.

Footprints in the sand are meant to wash away, each morning as we wake, we have been given a chance to find a different direction we want our footprints to walk.

Who knows who is admiring the different footprints in the sand, hoping the picture is never complete.

Leave your own footprints, meant to be as unique as your fingerprints.

When We Decide

When we decide that we are ready, we become ready.

There is no stopping us from reaching that goal, working through all the heartache and agony of what might or might not come ahead.

When we decide that we are ready, we are unstoppable.  We are a being yet to be defined, but readily pulled and grabbed at all directions because we are unstoppable.

We are a being, so fierce, so confident, so attracted by others because she is a being that is unstoppable.

There is this uneasy, exciting, and at the same time, calming feeling of being me.  Being free and being me. 

Not today, but at this moment,I am ready.  

Ready for what?

I have no idea.

Regardless, I feel a little bit of happiness, I feel a bit lighter today, I actually feel and can be okay with those feelings today.  

Because today I decided to live and be free and happy with me!

Letting Go

Everything is so much more clearer when I let go of my anger.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

Holding onto the anger consumes every part of by being.

Who wins?  Definitely not me.

I make peace with my past so I can be healthy, so I can be happy, so I can be free.

I let of my anger so I can see clearly.

When I go outside I can enjoy the morning breeze passing my flesh so gently.

When I go outside, I can watch the branches sway back and forth and see all the different colors of leaves.  

In the summer, there are so many shades of green, never had noticed before because I was not clear, my mind was not clear.

Summer months, all the children playing in the neighborhood.  

The sounds of their laughter, so beautiful, so lively, so young and pure.

Each sound, each pitch, so clearly heard.

Birds chirping, songs to be heard as they fly from one tree to another. 

Songs of the birds, so beautiful and harmonious.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I can clearly see the beauty in others, inside and out.

The beauty within each individual is explosive because the darkness of the anger that has slowly withered from my being only allows me to see the good and beauty in others.

I can clearly see the beauty in others, inside and out.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

The darkness of my anger for so long had over powered the little things in life that brings so much joy to my heart.

The laughter of my family playing and joking around with each other brings so much joy to my heart.

The precious smiles, the uniqueness that defines each of my children brings so much joy to my heart.

The love, the unconditional love of my family is more powerful, more significant, more rewarding and cherished because I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I can find the good qualities I possess and raise my head in confidence.  

I can work through my pain and be okay with feeling that pain, feeling the feelings without it consuming me and taking over my life.  

I can accept the decisions I have made, good or bad, and learn to forgive myself.

I must forgive myself before I can forgive others.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I forgive myself, love my self, and have compassion and understanding for myself.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

Understanding

“I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.”

                                                                                          - Unknown

Yes, I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

They love me as best as they can, a lot of understanding, a little understanding, or no understanding at all, they still love me.

The feeling of not being understood sometimes brings about sadness, frustration, and anger.

But yes, I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

The ability of others being able to understand me is my responsibility, not the person that cannot understand completely.

The ability to communicate what is going on, what is on my mind and asking for what I need is as much my responsibility then the person that cannot understand me completely.

Being honest with myself, being honest with my feelings is my responsibility.

Once I can be open and honest, being able to communicate what I need from others comes much easier.

My family still might not be able to understand me completely, but asking for what I need from them and the ability to be clear what I am asking for will help them to understand me more.

Not necessarily completely, just a little more than before.

I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

Weekend As A Kid

Weekend, weekend, here we go again.

Always something to do, somewhere to be, family hanging out together.

Weekend, weekend, here we go again.

Friday, rest up because our weekend will be one with little to no rest.

Get that homework done because there will be little to no time once the sun begins to rise in the morning.

Pulling yourself out of bed, wanting to sleep in, but if you want to eat before the busy day begins, pull yourself out of bed.

Sun already risen, with the warmth and light peaking in through the sides of the window shades, have to get downstairs to be the first to open the cereal box and grab the toy hidden in the cereal box.

Mom and Aunt joining in, telling us to hurry and finish, lots of work to be done.

Can't leave without washing those dishes and completing the kitchen chores.

I have dishes, he has counters, she has to put the dishes away and sweep the floor.

Dressed in weekend clothes, the day is to begin with no Girl Scout trip scheduled.  It is an off week.  No rushing with weekend cleaning, hair washing, hot comb to the head, and don't forget about the weekly shopping and laundromat visit.

Yes, the time before being blessed with a washer and dryer in the home.  No complaints either because there is always fun at the laundromat.  Too bad that won't be until tomorrow.

No debate about the weekly cleaning.  Everyone knows what it entails.  Thankfully Mom and Auntie have a strict chore schedule list so weekend cleaning isn't too bad.

Cleaning house on the weekend.  More about organizing, making sure corners are clutter free, and any opportunity for renovation projects or designing was done with love, heart, and passion.  Of course after the yard was tidied up also.

Only bad part, cleaning the street lawn after the sidewalk.  Darn people should know by now, don't litter in front of the Mills home, we don't do that here, not this home.

Busy, busy, let's get it done, I want to play.  Cousin time, hanging out, getting into a little trouble, doing what we shouldn't be doing sometimes, but always bonding and growing stronger as a family unit.  Who knows what other cousins might make their way over today.  

Close family friends coming over?  Who knows, all the kids consider themselves cousins.  Blood is not the only thing that makes us family.

Who knows, who knows.

Dinner time, what is for dinner tonight?  Adults on the back porch watching us running around.  Today, they have us doing flips in the yard, maybe we will get in some volleyball or turn the sprinklers on and run through it free as the birds in the sky.  

With the music in the background, maybe we will put together another first cousin routine, or re-do our infamous Pretty Young Thing dance.  That dance never gets old.

Who knows, who knows.  It is the weekend, always something to do, somewhere to be, family hanging out together.

Sunday morning is here.  How do we know?  

Waking up to the smell of cheesy eggs, grits, sausage or bacon, and bacon.  All making our way down to help finish up the preparation and cooking.

"Make sure those biscuits have some brown on them because you know Grandaddy will remind you we don't eat biscuits with no color.  They are not done until they are golden brown."

Everyone at the kitchen table, with the plates full of hot cooked breakfast, in a hot kitchen, the smell of good home cooking breakfast to get your busy Sunday started.

Real butter with salt, no margarine on the table with the knife ready to slap on the grits.

Split that biscuit open and slap that butter in between and watch it melt.

Breakfast plate taken up to Grandaddy, whose ever turn it is to take it up is hoping they are left with enough to fill their plates when they get back.

Always enough, never too little to feed the clan.

Always conversation, getting ready for the busy day, for the upcoming week.

Dishes cleared, kitchen cleaned.  Same practice, everyday.  Mom not having dishes in the sink or an unkempt house.

Clothes all sorted out, packing them into the van.

Love hanging out and playing at the laundromat and the parking lot surrounding it, hate unloading and loading the clothes.  30 minutes to play while the clothes are soaking in the suds and getting fresh, a quick 5 minutes to unload and then load into those dryers.  

Hoping and hoping there is no wait, have to get back outside to play some more.

Another 30 minutes, let's see how much fun we can really get into because this is the last 30 minutes until we get home.

Lots of folding, lots of sorting onto each of our piles, lots and lots of folding.  How I hate this part about the laundromat.  I just want to play.  I am a kid, I don't want to do this.

Now time to go shopping.  Doesn't take too long, we have this down and very efficient.  The best part of going shopping...I absolutely love double bagging those brown bags, setting them up to get ready while the food comes down after being swiped.  

A lesson learned young, bags packed, heavy items on the bottom, light on the top.  Two carts, full of groceries, now to pile them into the van

Van emptied, groceries put away, clothes, towels, and linens put away, don't come back down until those beds are made with fresh linen and the bed is made back up.

"This is stupid, I am going to get back in the bed soon enough."

Only said in my mind, never aloud, not even close to being dumb enough to let Mom or Auntie hear my thoughts.

Time to go outside and play with the cousins again.

Not so fast, I am first to get my hair done.  That is not fair, I want to play.

Braids undone, nice deep cleaning of the hair and scalp is in progress.

Everyone is playing, I want to go outside and have fun too.

"Hurry up Mom, rinse my hair, put the deep conditioner in and plait it so I can go out and join in the fun also."

Only said in my mind, never aloud, not even close to being dumb enough to let Mom or Auntie hear my thoughts.

"Okay, you're done for now, go outside and let the sun soak up that conditioner in your head.

"About time, my turn to join in the fun!"

"Come get your hair rinsed."

Ugh, again, but at least the next break will be longer.  Hair rinsed, plaited back up and again, I am to join in the fun while the sun dries my hair this time.  

The smell of dinner cooking while we are playing outside, all having fun.  Sunday will be gone sooner than we know.

Time of playing is done, because it is time to get that hot comb to that head of mine.  The smell of the grease melting into my head with the heat.  The best smell ever.  My hair is going to be straight, waving in the wind.  The minds of a child so young.

All hair is done, braided up so neat and beautiful, ready for school for the week, dinner eaten, cleaned up and focus is on the week's preparations.

It is bed time, lights out.

"Good night, I love you."  Repeated about 10 - 15 times, everyone in the house sending their love.  

Yes, every night, not one night not done with this ritual in the Mills home.  

Weekend, weekend, you were fun, such sweet memories until next weekend to do it all over again.

Weekend, weekend how much fun you were.