The Shell

They not know who I am because they pass judgement. 

They have already decided who I should be or what and how I should be.

Did I cause this?

Not sure.

Did I portray to be something I was not, only to protect who I really was?

Not sure.

What I do know for sure…no one really knows. 

I put on a facade, ready to protect anything I did not want others to know about me.

That, I believed was the best for me and mine.

But instead, it made people whisper behind my back and make assumptions they have no idea they should not be making.

I am human. 

I am a person within a shell that is so afraid to release itself from its shelter, no one knows what to believe anymore. 

I am a shell of a person that has lost who they are because for so long I have been pretending to be something I was not.

Pretending to be happy.

Pretending to be okay.

Pretending that what was safe in the dark, was safe from seeing the light of day.

Yet, something else was meant to be.

Something else was meant to be for me.

I was not exempt from the pain of my past.

I was not exempt from being who I was and not being allowed to hide from it.

I was not exempt from hiding and running from the demon that would not let me loose from his grips, from his control.

Who was I?

A lost person within a shell of a body, searching for something to hold on to. 

Something to feel. 

Something to believe in.

When given no choice but survival,

When given no choice but something bigger than me was going to fight me to survival…

The shell accepted and opened its due and waited for saving.

Oh, what is in store for that shell.

I can’t wait to see, for someone had a bigger plan for the shell that had no more hope and not more fight.

I hold on tight to my knight and shining armour, my husband and the children we brought to life together.

I know their love will help me conquer all.

I know their love will help vault the life inside of me to keep fighting and to believe I can do it even when the road blocks want to keep me from surviving through it all.

I refuse to be a victim, only being a survivor will be allowed to take over my body, my mind, my soul.

This shell has a survivor who is ready to fight for inner peace and happiness.

I deserve that, so it is the only thing that will be.

April 15 - 9:00 AM

This morning all of my thoughts are so scattered.  Have you ever thought that you were simply an object floating around the universe without a home, without a place, without a purpose?  Have you ever stopped and questioned what the hell is going on with you?  Have you ever wondered how the hell you got to the place you were at and couldn’t answer that question, or understand the ramifications of it all? 

Lately, I feel that way all of the time. I feel like I am robot.  A robot with no feelings, not mind, no true self-awareness.  A robot that is going through the motions, but without emotions, without a purpose, without a place.  I am totally a lost soul, searching and fighting its way back to something real.  Something I can feel.  Something I can hold onto. 

I no longer want to hold onto the past.  I no longer want to feel the pain and anguish from the past.  I want to let go.  I want to forget, I no longer want to feel the pain.  I no longer want to replay the memories in my past.  The memories have a tight grip that just refuses to let go.  I am not sure if it is because I refuse to let those memories go or simply, I have not processed the memories and have the ability to let them go. 

For so long I had been able to let them go.  I had been able to forgive myself and understand my role in everything, while at the same time understand that I was not to blame.  For so long I was able to like myself.  For so long I was able to love myself and accept who I had become.  That seems like a lifetime ago.

I can smell the breath, smell the scent on the bodies.  I can feel the thrusts.  I can feel and hear the moans and grunts.  I can feel each penetration, each touch as if it was happening at this very moment.  Those feelings, those thoughts refuse to release themselves from my being.

As if it was happening, I can remember exactly what I was thinking at the very moment it was happening.  It is as if it was happening right now, at this very moment.  I don’t even have to close my eyes. 

The site of a bed makes me cringe.  The site of a bed makes my heart ache even more.  As I lay on a bed, my body feels as if it thrusts itself out of my body and sits watching, waiting for something else to happen.  It sits waiting and knowing that something is going to happen.  In my mind, intellectually, I know.  I know that it is all in my head.  But, I cannot let go of the fear.  I cannot let go of the memories.  I cannot get myself to feel safe, comforted, and okay knowing it is simply a fear, simply a memory.

I yearn for some relief.  Even if just a moment.  I yearn for a moment of inner peace.  I yearn for a moment when I can enjoy being who I am, accepting and once again, loving the person I am.  I yearn for happiness and inner peace so bad.  I can taste it.  It is at the tip of my tongue, wanting so much to gulp it down and feeling it release and spread within me to a point that I am full of it all. 

Today, I am taking one moment at a time.  Not trying to eat an entire elephant, just one bite at a time.  Something one of my college professors keep reminding me of.  I know I can do this.  I just have to hold on a little longer.  Inner peace will come.  I have to believe and remember what I always tell others, everything happens for a reason.  It is NOT our job to figure out why, when, and how.  We simply have to go through it and know we are only given as much as our higher being knows we can handle.  It WILL make us stronger at the end, we have to just have faith, strength, and believe. 

I need to take my own advice on this today because I so need it to make it through another day, another moment.

MY Higher Being Believes In Me

Somewhere out there, there is a voice.  There is a voice of someone who is confident, understands who they are, what they want and where they want to be.  

Somewhere out there, there is a lost soul, looking for redemption, for forgiveness, for someone or something to understand and appreciate who they are.  

Somewhere out there, there is a lost soul.

That lost soul is needing for so much understanding, needing for so much reassurance, needing for someone to have as much belief and confidence in them to keep them surviving long enough to survive on their own.

That lost soul wants and prays for so much inner peace and self-acceptance.  

They have simply lost their way and are looking to follow that light to lead them out of the darkness.

So many lost souls out there.  

So many lost souls looking for forgiveness, redemption, acceptance of their flaws.  

So little love and support out there.  

What are they to do?  

They are to do nothing else but find their higher being and believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, ready to guide them into the lightness, out of the darkness, into the world of living with sin, but acceptance and forgiveness of all their sins.  

The light at the end of the tunnel is there, waiting so patiently for them to climb themselves out of the world of self-pity.  

One that is waiting for them to take their place on this heavenly earth and make it theirs.  

Make it into the Kingdom of their glory, the Kingdom of their belief.  

The Kingdom where they are comforted and feel at ease to accept the sins of their past and the sins placed upon them without any judgement. 

There is that Kingdom.  

It is their own sense of Kingdom.  

One they will place themselves to set their own battle to succeed.  

One not chose by others and their sense of what the Kingdom will look like.

There is a place of acceptance.  

One of inner peace and one that is impermeable of the evil and those that pass judgement.  

One where one is accepted for who they are, despite their sins, despite their faults, built on a belief that we are all worthy and forgiven of sin as long as we believe in a higher being that we decide and feel worthy of being our higher being!

April 14, 2015 - 9:30 AM

So, I am at work – work up on time and even though my oldest daughter was not cooperating, I got out of the house on time.  Driving to work was very hard.  Lots of things on my mind.  I had a horrible evening.   The evening started out bad before it even came. 

All late afternoon I felt like I had bugs crawling all over me.  I felt dirty.  I felt so dirty that I found a magnifying glass to confirm for myself that there was nothing crawling on me that was unseen by the eye.  Of course there was nothing there.  I already knew that, but the feeling was so intense.  I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

Anyway, I am not really sure how the night ended.  I did start to do homework.  I was doing very well for quite a while until more thoughts started coming at me.  After I had this one memory of this last incident, I was all of a sudden flooded with other incidents that happened.  They kept coming at me.  I probably could have dealt with it until the physical pain came.  It hurt so badly.  It felt as if my insides of my private area were ripping out of me.  I held onto the pain and started the breathing exercises.  I kept getting up, having cigarettes, and even tried writing and going back to my school work.  Nothing was happening.  So I gave in and had a drink.  Since that didn’t work, all I can assume is I went to sleep.  I hope I did.  I don’t want to cause anymore anguish to my family. 

I want the support of my family, but I have decided I will keep that as far away from having to deal with it as possible.  I think I should be able to know that they support me and want to help, but they don’t and should not have to deal with all of this.  It isn’t fair.  I am going to keep using my tools, work on putting on a happy face and deal with this as much on my own as possible.  If I can do everything I can do to work through this without involving them, it will be best.   I know that is what I tried to do with this last incident, but it didn’t work out that way. 

I tried everything in my power to just deal with it.  I know that is what he kept telling me to do, but when he was so rough and hurt me so bad, I could not hold it together later after the incident.  I tried to just comply.  I tried to pretend that it was an affair, but how could I when someone threatens you, hits you, chokes you, and then reminds you that you deserved it and that I had no choice unless I wanted to ruin everything positive in my life.  How could I be okay with myself and keep pretending everything was fine?  The more I was compliant, the more he did, the worse it became.  I even asked him why he was doing that.  I needed to understand if he wanted me to simply pretend as if I was his girlfriend and let him do what he wanted to do when he wanted to, why he would hurt me so that I would have a reaction, so that I would have to fight back.  I just wanted to understand why it was all happening to me.

I know I am not crazy, but I feel like I am sometimes.  Especially when the memories become so intrusive.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to know and really believe that I will get better.  I want my body to feel the way it used to.

I am so close to graduation and I am so excited.  Once I arrived at work I told myself to change my thinking.  Focus on the positive things in my life at this time.  Focus on the positive things that were coming up.  I am going to keep writing, especially when the thoughts are bad.  I know it might not work 100%, but it will work enough to keep me going, even if it is for a moment.  I can do this today.  I can have a good day today.  I am going to take it one step at a time because I have no choice to do anything differently if I want to truly keep going, which I do.

April 13, 2015 - 3 PM

So today Spencer joined in on my weekly session with my therapist.  I honestly do not know how I feel after now.  At first I was okay with it and thought it would be a good thing.  But now, after listening to him express his concerns to someone else other than myself, I feel like I totally have destroyed us as and our family.  He has always been as supportive as he could be with me.  He might not have been able to express himself that well or comfort me the way I have needed him to, but I never really doubted his love and dedication as much as I have lately.

I used to have so many dreams about my future.  All positive ones, even throughout the times that I have felt at my lowest.  It is interesting to think back now and thought I was at my lowest then.  Compared to how I feel now, there is definitely no comparison.  I seriously have lost so much inner fight.

I am numb and not sure where or how I want to proceed with anything in my life anymore.  Everything seems to be such a struggle to complete.   I don’t want to be around people.  I don’t want to act like everything is okay, I would rather just be by myself for a while.  I know I don’t have to pretend like my life is perfect, but I do if I don’t want people to look at me strange, wondering if I am going to lose it, or if my emotional state is stable.

I would love to start over and make everything go away as if it never happened before.  I wish I could be that strong to make it happen.  I know, in due time.  But sometimes I don’t know if I have the strength to wait any longer.

Today I was outside at work having a cigarette.  A car came down the parking lot very slowly.  I swear, the man in the car looked like this “Alex.”  He just stared so I pretended as if I really was not noticing him.  I felt a chill come over my body and I hurried back into the office since I knew the only way in was with a key code.  I probably was thinking it was him, but it looked so much like him.  I will just drill it into my head that I was seeing someone who resembled him and the thoughts will pass in due time.  

So, now I am about to go home for the day and I am so uncomfortable with that.  Driving makes me think too much about stuff, so the music will have to be turned up very loud.  Then I have to get the energy to figure out how to focus enough to do some school work.  Graduation is so close.  Have to figure out the classes I need to complete/re-do in the summer so I can walk in May.  Something else to think about!

Should of, could of…I have to get that kind of thinking out of my head.  It does me no good except bring me more anguish.

I have to get back to my writing – but more focused on positive thinking.  Not as easy as I would like it to be, BUT, any writing at this point is probably a good thing.  I probably need to open up a new blog.  Some of the stuff I write probably scares people.  I don’t re-read my blogs much, but every so often I notice my mother will make a remark about something I have written, which tells me that she  often checks to see if I have written more.  I like to write.  I like for others to read what I have written.  I have been told some of my writings have helped someone out.  Actually the ones that are more about staying positive or overcoming adversity are about the only ones I like to go back and read. 

So many things going on in my head.  So overwhelmed with different feelings.  So at a place of discontent, confusion, and without comfort that I can hold onto, even if it is for a little while.

April 13, 2015 - 10:30 AM

I have been trying to figure life out and it seems like the more I try, the more confused and overwhelming it becomes.  It is seriously beyond frustration!  As much as I want to get help, get better, I don’t know if I can handle all of the emotions and physical response to the pain I am feeling.

I used to be so much better at controlling my emotions.  Even if I was hurting inside, I was able to put up a facade and keep people at a distance so they thought I was in full control.   What happens when people think you are not in control is probably a little more difficult to deal with then the emotional turmoil one is feeling at any given moment.

I know I am not crazy.  I know I am just at a point in my life that the emotions are ready to come out.  They are ready to escape, but I don’t feel I have the necessary resources to help me work through in the time I need to.

Memories from so many different events have come at me.  Even when I went out with the family, I wanted to go.  But, as soon as I was out, I wanted to change my mind and go back inside and climb into my bed.  Being at home, or in the bed doesn’t actually help.  It probably makes it worse.  When I am in the bed, I feel every touch, smell every breath and hear every word that was said to me.  The itching is out of control and there is no relief.  I hate to be in the bed.  I hate to be under covers.  I hate to be awake.  It would be no big deal if I could focus on other things.  But right now, I have very little focus when doing anything.  At any moments I will hear a voice or feel a touch and the events will replay over and over.  Even when I try to ignore them, it seems as if it gets worse.

I honestly am not sure how much longer I can deal with it and work through it.  I am not sure if this is a test and I will be fine like usual, but it is just too much to handle and too big to handle at this time and I just want relief.  Not sure what true support system I have.  No one wants to deal with my breakdowns.  It is a lot, I should know, I am the one that is dealing with it first-hand.  They are only getting the result of it which I hate for them.