This morning all of my thoughts are so scattered. Have you ever thought that you were simply an
object floating around the universe without a home, without a place, without a
purpose? Have you ever stopped and
questioned what the hell is going on with you?
Have you ever wondered how the hell you got to the place you were at and
couldn’t answer that question, or understand the ramifications of it all?
Lately, I feel that way all of the time. I feel like I am
robot. A robot with no feelings, not
mind, no true self-awareness. A robot
that is going through the motions, but without emotions, without a purpose,
without a place. I am totally a lost
soul, searching and fighting its way back to something real. Something I can feel. Something I can hold onto.
I no longer want to hold onto the past. I no longer want to feel the pain and anguish
from the past. I want to let go. I want to forget, I no longer want to feel
the pain. I no longer want to replay the
memories in my past. The memories have a
tight grip that just refuses to let go.
I am not sure if it is because I refuse to let those memories go or
simply, I have not processed the memories and have the ability to let them
go.
For so long I had been able to let them go. I had been able to forgive myself and
understand my role in everything, while at the same time understand that I was
not to blame. For so long I was able to
like myself. For so long I was able to
love myself and accept who I had become.
That seems like a lifetime ago.
I can smell the breath, smell the scent on the bodies. I can feel the thrusts. I can feel and hear the moans and
grunts. I can feel each penetration,
each touch as if it was happening at this very moment. Those feelings, those thoughts refuse to
release themselves from my being.
As if it was happening, I can remember exactly what I was
thinking at the very moment it was happening.
It is as if it was happening right now, at this very moment. I don’t even have to close my eyes.
The site of a bed makes me cringe. The site of a bed makes my heart ache even
more. As I lay on a bed, my body feels
as if it thrusts itself out of my body and sits watching, waiting for something
else to happen. It sits waiting and
knowing that something is going to happen.
In my mind, intellectually, I know.
I know that it is all in my head.
But, I cannot let go of the fear.
I cannot let go of the memories.
I cannot get myself to feel safe, comforted, and okay knowing it is
simply a fear, simply a memory.
I yearn for some relief.
Even if just a moment. I yearn
for a moment of inner peace. I yearn for
a moment when I can enjoy being who I am, accepting and once again, loving the
person I am. I yearn for happiness and
inner peace so bad. I can taste it. It is at the tip of my tongue, wanting so
much to gulp it down and feeling it release and spread within me to a point
that I am full of it all.
Today, I am taking one moment at a time. Not trying to eat an entire elephant, just
one bite at a time. Something one of my
college professors keep reminding me of.
I know I can do this. I just have
to hold on a little longer. Inner peace
will come. I have to believe and
remember what I always tell others, everything happens for a reason. It is NOT our job to figure out why, when,
and how. We simply have to go through it
and know we are only given as much as our higher being knows we can
handle. It WILL make us stronger at the
end, we have to just have faith, strength, and believe.
I need to take my own advice on this today because I so need
it to make it through another day, another moment.
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