I have to remember how necessary planting the seed of HIS word is for me during these times of finding and working on myself. My seed has to be watered. I have to remember to ask GOD for the word and HE will give me the word. GOD knows who I am and I need to challenge myself and come out of my comfort zone. It is imperative that I sow my oats with HIS words so that I do not allow the words of the devil to choke GOD'S words when I am vulnerable and ready to give up fighting. I cannot allow myself to question GOD and HIS will for me. My GOD has a plan for me and I have a purpose that will come to fruition in HIS timing, not mine.
This blog is an expression of my inner thoughts. They are from deep within. There is no holding back, no writing to please others, simply an outlet for me to release the many different emotions that sometimes hold me back from moving on. When I write, I am able to release the demons that hold me hostage and bring fresh energy to my inner being!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Life Before/Life Now & In the Future
11/01/2015 (Sunday) @ 11:15 AM
Life as I knew it and understood it is different today then it was before I was determined to work through my "stuff" and seek the help I needed.
With the trauma I experienced, the negative parts of my daily life consisted of:
- flashbacks, being a afraid, feeling trapped in a state of horror, not feeling safe, depressed, sleep full of nightmares, secrets, misunderstood dissociate episodes, and lack of a voice needed to express my needs.
I truly felt that no one was helping, really cared, or understood me.
Even with all those feelings going on with me, my family was always my focused. My children and husband were my support, my passion, and what I used to help me continue moving forward as best as I could.
I was volunteered, was PTSO President, organizer, care taker of others, but not myself. I absolutely LOVED being soccer mom, active as team manager for the soccer and basketball teams, active in my children schools and very much in my education.
So, what is my life, how is the life I want it to be in recovery? I want my life to be about:
1. Myself
2. Sobriety
3. Family
I want to make sure I am learning to love my self once again and taking care of myself first.
I want to make sure I attend self-help meetings and find remain with my sponsor who will continue to support me and keep me accountable when I fail to do so for myself.
I want to have family time, date nights, college prep time, be a team mom again and have meaning family bonding time.
I want to once have education goals, find self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. I want to really delve into my writing and write a book, many books. I want to meditate, daily. I want to get into education, therapy, mindfulness, self-soothing, and grounding activities.
There is so much I can do, so much I am learning to do, so much I am willing to do that can keep me preoccupied and healthy.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
My Personal Merits
11/01/2015 (Sunday) @ 11:15 AM
- I have integrity
- Loving
- Lovable
- Sincere
- Genuine
- A fighter
- Dedicated / Determined
- Loyal
- Ambitious
- Have honor
- Grateful
- Honest
- Reliable
- Empathetic
- Sympathetic
- Caring
- Courageous
- Humble
- Spiritual
- Kind
- Purposeful
- Tolerant
- Generous
- Patient
- Open-minded
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/31/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Positive - I so enjoyed spending time with my family today. I am grateful that though it was a financial hardship and a days loss of wages, my husband took off work to bring my girls to visit with me. Even though I am going to miss their 16th and 17th birthdays next week, the best gift I can give them is to get myself better. their silliness and bright smiles made me being here that much more meaningful, even though I miss them so much already as they pulled out of the parking lot to go back home.
Inspiration/Grateful for - my family and recovery
I Am Grateful For...
10/31/2015 (Saturday) @ 11:15 AM
I am grateful for...
- My life
- My husband
- My children
- My family
- My home
- A sober life
- My education
- My inspiration to heal
- My ability to love
- My helpfulness
- My perseverance
- My dreams
- My love of writing
- Peacefulness
- My aspirations
I am grateful for...
- My life
- My husband
- My children
- My family
- My home
- A sober life
- My education
- My inspiration to heal
- My ability to love
- My helpfulness
- My perseverance
- My dreams
- My love of writing
- Peacefulness
- My aspirations
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/30/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Enjoyed the Halloween activities. They were very nice and relaxing.
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/29/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Positive - well rested, able to stop another panic attack, and I just feel positive overall.
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/28/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Glad I was able to stop a possible 3rd panic attach with help from other community members through walking, deep breathing, humor, and positive words (you are a good person, you are safe, you are loved, we love you).
Glad I was able to stop a possible 3rd panic attach with help from other community members through walking, deep breathing, humor, and positive words (you are a good person, you are safe, you are loved, we love you).
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/27/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Happy that I finally spoke with my youngest daughter even if she was forced to speak with me.
Happy that I finally spoke with my youngest daughter even if she was forced to speak with me.
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/26/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Grateful I was finally well rested and was able to participate 100% in my program. Also, I very much appreciated listening to our speaker during woman's group as it touched me in so many ways. As much as I wanted to leave because it hit a few nerves for me, I stayed because one of the reasons I am here is learning to feel my emotions without escaping.
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/22/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
Though I didn't want to take the withdrawal medicine, I surrendered and decided to "get with the program."
Though I didn't want to take the withdrawal medicine, I surrendered and decided to "get with the program."
With All My Heart & Strength
10/26/2015 @ 12:45 PM (Monday)
I take with all my heart and strength everything within me to fight the demons.
I look into the mirror and tell the child within that she has a purpose.
I remind her that she is loved and is capable to love.
With all my hearth and strength, I pray for that child I am looking at in the mirror.
I believe she is worth living.
The child within gives the woman looking back at her the strength to keep fighting.
She has no choice but to live, there are many that believe in her.
She has to, she needs to believe she is not a victim, but a survivor.
Through much work, she will regain the power from within and take it all back from all those that robbed her of it.
There is no room for self-pity anymore.
She must believe in herself. Not just say those words, but truly believe it from deep within.
As the Angels surround her, they pump love, hope and strength into her veins, and she is revived.
The child in the mirror looks back at the woman looking back at her and tells her that she is loved and is worthy of being loved.
Too many people are depending on her to become strong again. She is missed much by the ones that love her and support her the most.
So, with all my heart and strength, I will no longer be the victim, but the survivor!
"When I Leave, I Am Afraid..."
10/23/2015 @ 6:12 PM (Friday)
"When I leave, I am afraid of...
"When I leave, I am afraid of...
Judgment from self and others
Self-Acceptance
Flashbacks
Nightmares
Self-Love
Not being able to remember the positives in my life
Having no voice and no one listening
Whether I will allow myself to sabotage my journey to happiness
The ability to be open, honest, and raw about what has happened to me, and being okay with myself and not allowing others to shame and re-victimize me.
Will I Fail?
10/23/2015 @ 6:15 PM (Friday)
Will I fail?
I think not!
I will fight this!
I will take the power away!
I will take the power back!
I am a good person!
I am loved!
I am strong!
I am a survivor!
Will I fail?
I think not!
I will fight this!
I will take the power away!
I will take the power back!
I am a good person!
I am loved!
I am strong!
I am a survivor!
I am meant to be something great and to do something great because I am a good person and a person who will always live a life in recovery, because I matter!
I Am Right Where I Need To Be
10/22/2015 - 4:50 PM (Thursday)
This morning I had my first home group meeting with my counselor and about ten other patients from the "community." Even though I have attended AA meetings and participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), this was different. I am actually not sure what was different about it, but it made me emotional.
This morning I thought about how my drinking has really affected my family and life. For so long I have been so engrossed about the repeated assaults and I have felt hurt during and even to the present. I failed to stop and think about what my behavior and actions were doing to my family. Even when they told me and it was all too apparent.
I now realize that I was being selfish. Not intentionally. Not intentionally at all. I have just been in so much pain that I didn't know how to receive the help I needed, even when it was right in front of my face. Even when it was offered. I trusted no one. I believed no one. Not even those that proved to support me and stand by my side. Even when I didn't trust myself.
Now, here we are. I am right where I need to be. I am in a safe place, physically and emotionally. I am in a place where I can work through my trauma without hurting myself, or possibly someone else, and without the ability to get access to alcohol to escape from the flashbacks.
the best thing I can do for myself is to be 100% selfish, work this treatment by putting it all out there, releasing the pain from deep within, and allowing myself the chance to feel the pain, deal with the pain, and work through the pain so I can heal and return home healthy.
I am ready this time. I am so scared, but I am ready and excited to find the real Michelle who enjoyed life, enjoyed being with others that I love, and have a life filled with joy and happiness.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
My Journey, My Story
10/22/2015 - 3:50 PM (Thursday)
This is my journey.
This is my story.
My road to recovery,
My road to self-healing.
No room for negativity, only positivity.
I open my heart for self-forgiveness, as shame is no longer welcomed.
In order to survive this road to redemption, I must open myself up to hear what I don't want to hear, what is hard for me to hear, and what I need to hear.
My soul is the trunk of the tree, strong enough to withstand any storm.
My discrepancies are the leaves that fall when the weather changes, because those discrepancies can always be forgiven.
My growth are the twigs. Each time I have self-growth, the twig breaks to allow for rebirth of a new twig, to allow for rebirth of a new life.
My support system are the roots, providing nourishment, because when I fall, they are there to help me rise back up and help me to stay strong when I feel weak or am at my weakest.
As I walk through my journey, the grass turns greener, and their roots grow thicker and deeper in the soil.
When the season changes and growth slows, it is my Higher Power telling me it is okay to take a step back and reflect on where I am at that moment, how far I have come, and start preparing for my next road to travel.
This is my journey, this is my story.
This is my journey.
This is my story.
My road to recovery,
My road to self-healing.
No room for negativity, only positivity.
I open my heart for self-forgiveness, as shame is no longer welcomed.
In order to survive this road to redemption, I must open myself up to hear what I don't want to hear, what is hard for me to hear, and what I need to hear.
My soul is the trunk of the tree, strong enough to withstand any storm.
My discrepancies are the leaves that fall when the weather changes, because those discrepancies can always be forgiven.
My growth are the twigs. Each time I have self-growth, the twig breaks to allow for rebirth of a new twig, to allow for rebirth of a new life.
My support system are the roots, providing nourishment, because when I fall, they are there to help me rise back up and help me to stay strong when I feel weak or am at my weakest.
As I walk through my journey, the grass turns greener, and their roots grow thicker and deeper in the soil.
When the season changes and growth slows, it is my Higher Power telling me it is okay to take a step back and reflect on where I am at that moment, how far I have come, and start preparing for my next road to travel.
This is my journey, this is my story.
Happy Birthday To Me
10/22/2015 (Thursday)
It is my birthday and I keep telling myself this isn't real.
This can't be happening, because this has to be a nightmare I will wake from.
Just open you eyes and you will see, it never really happened, it was all in your mind.
Most likely you just watched a bad movie and you watched it too late, to lose to bedtime.
I force my eyes open and the heat from the sun is no longer just that.
The rays are shining brightly through the back pane of my van, almost blinding me.
I can feel drips of sweat dropping on me as each thrust moves my body up and down.
I can feel the sweat in between my skin and his, making out torsos glide as if oil was poured in between us.
I scream in pain as he thrusts himself deeper into me.
While I am pleading for him to stop I start to push him off.
That only makes him go deeper and harder.
After what seems like minutes, I stop fighting, in hopes he won't continue to be so rough anymore. But to no avail, he thrusts into me deeper.
My cries quiet and I just let the tears flow, in hope that he will just hurry up and finish.
No, not yet!
He asks me, "Don't you like your birthday present?"
I ask him, "Why? Why are you doing this to me? It's my birthday! Why on my birthday?"
"Because I really like you, you are my girlfriend, this is what I am supposed to do for my girlfriend."
I should have called his bluff. But I was too afraid.
Always so unpredictable, and most of the time, making true to his threats. I was so positive he would make true his threats today, I didn't want to take any chances.
What would my husband say if there was wine, pictures, possibly a video of me addressed to him in the mailbox?
It had been a few wees where I "submitted" to him, and the threats and roughness did lessen. But even after a short while, he had become even more physical, hurting me more, and becoming more rough and aggressive sexually. The only thing differently was no surprise visits to my job. I had to be thankful for that, for the smallest reprieves, because I was slowly breaking, losing it, and I was not sure if it would get me more hurt if I didn't obey his every command. This is who I had become, "his submissive whore of a girlfriend." As long as I played this role, I was "safe."
I was hurting so bad. He was not easing up. Thrust by thrust, he brought increased force. I felt so raw.
I had thought he finished, but he had not. He was now ready for me to give him oral. I tried so hard to refuse, but I could not fight him. I even thought of biting it off. But, I didn't have the strength to fight.
He was furious with me because I wasn't giving him pleasure. With the little bit of energy I had, I was trying my hardest to fight him back. I still had not learned. He reminded me with his one hand to my neck and the other pulling my arm behind my back that he was in control and I was going to finish him off.
I was at one point able to ask him again, "Why, why are you doing this to me on my birthday?"
Furiously, he turned me on my back, and while forcing himself into me, as raw as I already was, he took it from me again. This time much harder than before and making me repeat that I was his "submissive whore of a girlfriend."
He kept on while I cried in pain until he finished. Then lying on me, repeatedly saying, "Happy Birthday. This is one you will never forget. You are such a good submissive whore of a girlfriend."
It is my birthday and I keep telling myself this isn't real.
This can't be happening, because this has to be a nightmare I will wake from.
Just open you eyes and you will see, it never really happened, it was all in your mind.
Most likely you just watched a bad movie and you watched it too late, to lose to bedtime.
I force my eyes open and the heat from the sun is no longer just that.
The rays are shining brightly through the back pane of my van, almost blinding me.
I can feel drips of sweat dropping on me as each thrust moves my body up and down.
I can feel the sweat in between my skin and his, making out torsos glide as if oil was poured in between us.
I scream in pain as he thrusts himself deeper into me.
While I am pleading for him to stop I start to push him off.
That only makes him go deeper and harder.
After what seems like minutes, I stop fighting, in hopes he won't continue to be so rough anymore. But to no avail, he thrusts into me deeper.
My cries quiet and I just let the tears flow, in hope that he will just hurry up and finish.
No, not yet!
He asks me, "Don't you like your birthday present?"
I ask him, "Why? Why are you doing this to me? It's my birthday! Why on my birthday?"
"Because I really like you, you are my girlfriend, this is what I am supposed to do for my girlfriend."
I should have called his bluff. But I was too afraid.
Always so unpredictable, and most of the time, making true to his threats. I was so positive he would make true his threats today, I didn't want to take any chances.
What would my husband say if there was wine, pictures, possibly a video of me addressed to him in the mailbox?
It had been a few wees where I "submitted" to him, and the threats and roughness did lessen. But even after a short while, he had become even more physical, hurting me more, and becoming more rough and aggressive sexually. The only thing differently was no surprise visits to my job. I had to be thankful for that, for the smallest reprieves, because I was slowly breaking, losing it, and I was not sure if it would get me more hurt if I didn't obey his every command. This is who I had become, "his submissive whore of a girlfriend." As long as I played this role, I was "safe."
I was hurting so bad. He was not easing up. Thrust by thrust, he brought increased force. I felt so raw.
I had thought he finished, but he had not. He was now ready for me to give him oral. I tried so hard to refuse, but I could not fight him. I even thought of biting it off. But, I didn't have the strength to fight.
He was furious with me because I wasn't giving him pleasure. With the little bit of energy I had, I was trying my hardest to fight him back. I still had not learned. He reminded me with his one hand to my neck and the other pulling my arm behind my back that he was in control and I was going to finish him off.
I was at one point able to ask him again, "Why, why are you doing this to me on my birthday?"
Furiously, he turned me on my back, and while forcing himself into me, as raw as I already was, he took it from me again. This time much harder than before and making me repeat that I was his "submissive whore of a girlfriend."
He kept on while I cried in pain until he finished. Then lying on me, repeatedly saying, "Happy Birthday. This is one you will never forget. You are such a good submissive whore of a girlfriend."
I Want Me Back!
10/22/2015 @ 5:45 AM (Thursday)
So, I officially had my 1st night at the hospital. Already it has been quite the experience. Though I am mostly here to deal with my PTSD and depression, I am also here to work on better coping skills and techniques such as mindfulness, self-soothing, and learning to identify my triggers so that alcohol no longer is a way to help me cope.
Imagine trying to explain that to staff and doctors. My current therapist outside these walls seem to understand why I drink when I do. We all do agree it is the wrong way to deal with the trauma and that if cannot be an option any longer. Yest, it is unhealthy, but more importantly, it is simply dangerous. When I am in crisis and I am flooded with emotions and "with it" to some degree, I sometimes want to (and have) give up and I no longer want to "fight." I want it all to be over and I don't want to feel anymore pain.
These are the times when the amount of alcohol consumed becomes excessive. These are the times when I truly want to give up on myself and I want the pain to go away. Even if that means my life will end. I get to the point when I cannot see clearly all the positive things I have going on in my life and my mind is only full of the bad memories that continue to haunt me.
I am so done with living this unhealthy lifestyle. I want to live a life of happy tears, laughter, and true happiness. I want to give my family back the mother and wife they lost. Definitely before it is too late and there is so much anger and resentment for them to ant to forgive me for any wrong doings.
I want me back! So very bad, I want the Michelle back who was fierce with fight, eager to find and keep happiness, and the woman that seeked and earned positivity throughout her life.
I want me back!
A New Journey
10/21/2015 @ 11:41 PM (Wednesday)
Today, I start a new journey. A journey of self-healing. A journey that is allowing me to get a re-start on life, a positive, healthy life that will allow me to once again experience happiness.
People might say to me, "What makes this time any different?"
For one thing, the chance to work on myself without interference from daily life pressures, the opportunity to delve deep down within my heart and soul to re-learn who I am. The opportunity to give 100% to my healing and recovery.
I am ready to reclaim myself and really take control of my mental and physical health.
I am tired of being afraid, afraid of my own shadow, the sounds from outside while I am safe in my own home, and even when I am out in public, surrounded by my own family and friends.
I want to learn to trust people again. Not everyone, have the ability or use my gut and intuition to trust myself, listen to my instincts, when I meet people.
I have lost the ability to trust myself when it comes to trusting people. I don't trust most people anymore.
Today, tonight, I trust and at least believe this journey will provide me with the tools I need and the chance to have a positive, healthy, and productive life.
I have to at least believe that. I have to take it day by day, down to the seconds.
Positive Thought For The Day - 10/21/2015 @ 9:30 PM
Daily Reflection Group Share
I was able to open up with my counselor and was open and honest with my history and last suicide attempt.
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