I Am Right Where I Need To Be

10/22/2015 - 4:50 PM (Thursday)

 

This morning I had my first home group meeting with my counselor and about ten other patients from the "community."  Even though I have attended AA meetings and participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), this was different.  I am actually not sure what was different about it, but it made me emotional.

 

This morning I thought about how my drinking has really affected my family and life.  For so long I have been so engrossed about the repeated assaults and I have felt hurt during and even to the present.  I failed to stop and think about what my behavior and actions were doing to my family.  Even when they told me and it was all too apparent.

 

I now realize that I was being selfish.  Not intentionally.  Not intentionally at all.  I have just been in so much pain that I didn't know how to receive the help I needed, even when it was right in front of my face.  Even when it was offered.  I trusted no one.  I believed no one.  Not even those that proved to support me and stand by my side.  Even when I didn't trust myself.

 

Now, here we are.  I am right where I need to be.  I am in a safe place, physically and emotionally.  I am in a place where I can work through my trauma without hurting myself, or possibly someone else, and without the ability to get access to alcohol to escape from the flashbacks.

 

the best thing I can do for myself is to be 100% selfish, work this treatment by putting it all out there, releasing the pain from deep within, and allowing myself the chance to feel the pain, deal with the pain, and work through the pain so I can heal and return home healthy.

 

I am ready this time.  I am so scared, but I am ready and excited to find the real Michelle who enjoyed life, enjoyed being with others that I love, and have a life filled with joy and happiness.