I Want Me Back!

10/22/2015 @ 5:45 AM (Thursday)

So, I officially had my 1st night at the hospital.  Already it has been quite the experience.  Though I am mostly here to deal with my PTSD and depression, I am also here to work on better coping skills and techniques such as mindfulness, self-soothing, and learning to identify my triggers so that alcohol no longer is a way to help me cope.

Imagine trying to explain that to staff and doctors.  My current therapist outside these walls seem to understand why I drink when I do.  We all do agree it is the wrong way to deal with the trauma and that if cannot be an option any longer.  Yest, it is unhealthy, but more importantly, it is simply dangerous.  When I am in crisis and I am flooded with emotions and "with it" to some degree, I sometimes want to (and have) give up and I no longer want to "fight."  I want it all to be over and I don't want to feel anymore pain.

These are the times when the amount of alcohol consumed becomes excessive.  These are the times when I truly want to give up on myself and I want the pain to go away.  Even if that means my life will end.  I get to the point when I cannot see clearly all the positive things I have going on in my life and my mind is only full of the bad memories that continue to haunt me.

I am so done with living this unhealthy lifestyle.  I want to live a life of happy tears, laughter, and true happiness.  I want to give my family back the mother and wife they lost.  Definitely before it is too late and there is so much anger and resentment for them to ant to forgive me for any wrong doings.

I want me back!  So very bad, I want the Michelle back who was fierce with fight, eager to find and keep happiness, and the woman that seeked and earned positivity throughout her life.

I want me back!