The Devil's Paradise

When the darkness comes, the darkness from within looks for its escape,

Looking for its chance to send frightening chills throughout the body.

All bets are off once the eyelids shut as the devils paradise opens for the daily carnival.

The Ferris wheel represents the thrusts of his body moving in and out of me continuously, only stopping to change positions, the same as unloading new riders.

The popcorn machine represents the sweat dripping on my body and the butter, the sweat that accumulates in my groin area after hours of intrusion.

The roller coaster, representation of the forced oral that I cannot resist unless I welcome strikes to the face or stomach, maybe a strong choke hold.

The swings are my flashbacks, from past incidents that also choose to take hold of my mind, even during another encounter against my will.

The merry-go-round doesn't stop in my mind because the alcohol with mixture of a strange substance makes my head feel like I am turning in circles...

The only difference is in the devil's paradise, the merry-go-round goes faster and faster, to the point that the faster it goes, the horses start flying off...

Those horses are parts of my mind, parts of my being, withered away...piece by piece, each interaction, the merry-go-round goes faster.

The devil's paradise tries hard to take over the carnival.  It loves to be in action, even when the eyelids struggle to stay open.

The devil is looking for anyway to get in, in order to invade my body and soul.

Everyday I struggle with the battle within.  

There are times when the battle seems a loss, one I am at a loss with no signs of a chance to survive.

When I close my eyes, I fear the devil hanging out and playing in its designed carnival, without any regard as to whether I want to play or not.

Instead of a carnival, I need to change the darkness of the devil to the light of my higher being.  

The light within my eyelids that drown in the sounds of nature, fresh air, fresh smell of nature, clear sounds of nature, seagulls talking to each other, the sound of the ocean waves, the sounds of peace, calmness, me relaxing, not making me tight and ready to explode.

The devils paradise is NOT my paradise.

I will NOT let the devil's paradise take over MY paradise.

I will find my paradise, in time I will...

My paradise will help me become a better person.

My paradise will one day be my paradise, only my paradise. 

One with no room for the devil having the ability to enter and consume any piece of my energy.

My paradise will be beautiful.

My paradise will be strong.

My paradise will be filled with plenty of courageous energy.

My paradise will be one with self-loving, self-worthiness, and self-respect energy.

My paradise is no longer going to be the devil's paradise.

I stake my claim in my paradise with no room to entertain the devil.

THIS IS MY PARADISE!

Why?

I often ask myself what I did to deserve everything that has happened to me in the past.

I often ask myself why was I chosen to be the one another would want to take advantage of of to hurt.

I often have wondered if I was the cause of the many misfortunes of my life.

I often wonder.

At the same time, I realize what could of, should of, and would of is just that.

The past cannot be changed, on the way I acccept the past.

However, regardless of my lack of self-confidence, regardless of believing, I deserve positivity, my past haunts me!

Before I even wake, my mind is racing, I am raped in my nightmare, until my body becomes strong enough to wake itself up.

When I wake, the world around me sees so closed in.

From deep within, my body wants to scream, wants to explode, wants to cry out all the aggravation, sadness, and fear.

Deep down inside I know I am not to blame.

Deep down inside I know I am a good person.

Deep down inside I know I deserve love, affection, and respect.

Why do I question, why?

Why do I question whether or not I am to blame?

Why do I question whether or not I am worthy of love and respect?

We must not question what we are and who we have become.

We must learn that we have love and support all around us and need to learn to accept what has and is being offered.

We must learn to trust in ourselves and believe in ourselves.

In order to feel whole, we need, we must love ourselves!

Is It Over Yet?

My eyelids shut and darkness takes over

Not the darkness of the skies, but darkness of my soul, darkness of my heart

The memories, so dark, so painful, so vivid

the memories, unbearable to the mind, yet so clear and real

Feels like it is happening again at this very moment

Each thrust, deeper and harder than the one before

No enjoyment, just pain and sense of no control

Each bead of sweat dripping onto me

No enjoyment, just sense of dirty and sense of no control

When it becomes unbearable and the fighting back just makes it worse, I lay there, still, and pretend to be somewhere else, someone else

I close my eyes.

I pretend I am not there

Yet, the more I follow his every command, the harder, the more rough it becomes

Yet, I pretend I am not here.

He tells me I am his girlfriend,

When I tell him no, it hurts more.

He forces his fingers in between mine to intertwine with mine.

I can't release the old, and he holds me down even harder.

He whispers in my ear, "you're my bitch, repeat it."

I refuse to repeat it and it becomes even more painful.

He reminds me in his condescending voice that if I choose to make the choice to submit, it won't hurt as much.

He reminds me in his condescending voice that I have the power of this situation.

Either submit and don't resist and he won't have to force me.  He won't have to threaten me or put my video or pictures online for everyone to see.

I submit, tired of fighting

I submit, tired of being afraid of the choice, hit in the face, or hit in the stomach, and wondering what is to happen next.

When it is over I lay there, not moving, entire body trembling in pain, fear, anxiety, and sadness.

He is quick to tell me if I was a good girlfriend, a good whore, his good sex slave.

I slowly come back completely in the present, in total disbelief that it has once again happened.

I dress, still trembling, it is all over for now, hopefully he is done with me this time...hopefully...

A Reason to Help Others

A few days ago I was told to figure out what my personal goals in life were, figure how I was going to use the pain of what I have endured and use it to help others (helping others would help me work through the pain I have gone through the last year).  There is so much I want to do, there is so much I can help others do to work through their pain, their suffering, their fight for justice.  

I am working everyday to stay strong, stay positive and know that I can help others if I am willing to feel the pain and fight through it to be at peace.  

I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am.  I am going to let others know that suffering from depression and post traumatic stress disorder is not something to be shameful about, but something that helps me to fight through all the demons that I have encountered.  It is something that can give power to those suffering from the same and to overcome it all because they heard a voice that understood what they were dealing with and were willing to listen to them and be supportive of them.  

I am going to find a way to turn my pain, my nightmares and flashbacks into something that will help others.  Together we will be survivors, no longer victims.  We will together be okay and find ways to self-empower ourselves to become and believe that we are survivors.  No shame, not doubts, just excitement to our journey of positive lives, once and for all, with no shame, regardless who doubts us and who does not support us or understands us!

The Shell

They not know who I am because they pass judgement. 

They have already decided who I should be or what and how I should be.

Did I cause this?

Not sure.

Did I portray to be something I was not, only to protect who I really was?

Not sure.

What I do know for sure…no one really knows. 

I put on a facade, ready to protect anything I did not want others to know about me.

That, I believed was the best for me and mine.

But instead, it made people whisper behind my back and make assumptions they have no idea they should not be making.

I am human. 

I am a person within a shell that is so afraid to release itself from its shelter, no one knows what to believe anymore. 

I am a shell of a person that has lost who they are because for so long I have been pretending to be something I was not.

Pretending to be happy.

Pretending to be okay.

Pretending that what was safe in the dark, was safe from seeing the light of day.

Yet, something else was meant to be.

Something else was meant to be for me.

I was not exempt from the pain of my past.

I was not exempt from being who I was and not being allowed to hide from it.

I was not exempt from hiding and running from the demon that would not let me loose from his grips, from his control.

Who was I?

A lost person within a shell of a body, searching for something to hold on to. 

Something to feel. 

Something to believe in.

When given no choice but survival,

When given no choice but something bigger than me was going to fight me to survival…

The shell accepted and opened its due and waited for saving.

Oh, what is in store for that shell.

I can’t wait to see, for someone had a bigger plan for the shell that had no more hope and not more fight.

I hold on tight to my knight and shining armour, my husband and the children we brought to life together.

I know their love will help me conquer all.

I know their love will help vault the life inside of me to keep fighting and to believe I can do it even when the road blocks want to keep me from surviving through it all.

I refuse to be a victim, only being a survivor will be allowed to take over my body, my mind, my soul.

This shell has a survivor who is ready to fight for inner peace and happiness.

I deserve that, so it is the only thing that will be.

April 15 - 9:00 AM

This morning all of my thoughts are so scattered.  Have you ever thought that you were simply an object floating around the universe without a home, without a place, without a purpose?  Have you ever stopped and questioned what the hell is going on with you?  Have you ever wondered how the hell you got to the place you were at and couldn’t answer that question, or understand the ramifications of it all? 

Lately, I feel that way all of the time. I feel like I am robot.  A robot with no feelings, not mind, no true self-awareness.  A robot that is going through the motions, but without emotions, without a purpose, without a place.  I am totally a lost soul, searching and fighting its way back to something real.  Something I can feel.  Something I can hold onto. 

I no longer want to hold onto the past.  I no longer want to feel the pain and anguish from the past.  I want to let go.  I want to forget, I no longer want to feel the pain.  I no longer want to replay the memories in my past.  The memories have a tight grip that just refuses to let go.  I am not sure if it is because I refuse to let those memories go or simply, I have not processed the memories and have the ability to let them go. 

For so long I had been able to let them go.  I had been able to forgive myself and understand my role in everything, while at the same time understand that I was not to blame.  For so long I was able to like myself.  For so long I was able to love myself and accept who I had become.  That seems like a lifetime ago.

I can smell the breath, smell the scent on the bodies.  I can feel the thrusts.  I can feel and hear the moans and grunts.  I can feel each penetration, each touch as if it was happening at this very moment.  Those feelings, those thoughts refuse to release themselves from my being.

As if it was happening, I can remember exactly what I was thinking at the very moment it was happening.  It is as if it was happening right now, at this very moment.  I don’t even have to close my eyes. 

The site of a bed makes me cringe.  The site of a bed makes my heart ache even more.  As I lay on a bed, my body feels as if it thrusts itself out of my body and sits watching, waiting for something else to happen.  It sits waiting and knowing that something is going to happen.  In my mind, intellectually, I know.  I know that it is all in my head.  But, I cannot let go of the fear.  I cannot let go of the memories.  I cannot get myself to feel safe, comforted, and okay knowing it is simply a fear, simply a memory.

I yearn for some relief.  Even if just a moment.  I yearn for a moment of inner peace.  I yearn for a moment when I can enjoy being who I am, accepting and once again, loving the person I am.  I yearn for happiness and inner peace so bad.  I can taste it.  It is at the tip of my tongue, wanting so much to gulp it down and feeling it release and spread within me to a point that I am full of it all. 

Today, I am taking one moment at a time.  Not trying to eat an entire elephant, just one bite at a time.  Something one of my college professors keep reminding me of.  I know I can do this.  I just have to hold on a little longer.  Inner peace will come.  I have to believe and remember what I always tell others, everything happens for a reason.  It is NOT our job to figure out why, when, and how.  We simply have to go through it and know we are only given as much as our higher being knows we can handle.  It WILL make us stronger at the end, we have to just have faith, strength, and believe. 

I need to take my own advice on this today because I so need it to make it through another day, another moment.

MY Higher Being Believes In Me

Somewhere out there, there is a voice.  There is a voice of someone who is confident, understands who they are, what they want and where they want to be.  

Somewhere out there, there is a lost soul, looking for redemption, for forgiveness, for someone or something to understand and appreciate who they are.  

Somewhere out there, there is a lost soul.

That lost soul is needing for so much understanding, needing for so much reassurance, needing for someone to have as much belief and confidence in them to keep them surviving long enough to survive on their own.

That lost soul wants and prays for so much inner peace and self-acceptance.  

They have simply lost their way and are looking to follow that light to lead them out of the darkness.

So many lost souls out there.  

So many lost souls looking for forgiveness, redemption, acceptance of their flaws.  

So little love and support out there.  

What are they to do?  

They are to do nothing else but find their higher being and believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, ready to guide them into the lightness, out of the darkness, into the world of living with sin, but acceptance and forgiveness of all their sins.  

The light at the end of the tunnel is there, waiting so patiently for them to climb themselves out of the world of self-pity.  

One that is waiting for them to take their place on this heavenly earth and make it theirs.  

Make it into the Kingdom of their glory, the Kingdom of their belief.  

The Kingdom where they are comforted and feel at ease to accept the sins of their past and the sins placed upon them without any judgement. 

There is that Kingdom.  

It is their own sense of Kingdom.  

One they will place themselves to set their own battle to succeed.  

One not chose by others and their sense of what the Kingdom will look like.

There is a place of acceptance.  

One of inner peace and one that is impermeable of the evil and those that pass judgement.  

One where one is accepted for who they are, despite their sins, despite their faults, built on a belief that we are all worthy and forgiven of sin as long as we believe in a higher being that we decide and feel worthy of being our higher being!