Letting Go

Everything is so much more clearer when I let go of my anger.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

Holding onto the anger consumes every part of by being.

Who wins?  Definitely not me.

I make peace with my past so I can be healthy, so I can be happy, so I can be free.

I let of my anger so I can see clearly.

When I go outside I can enjoy the morning breeze passing my flesh so gently.

When I go outside, I can watch the branches sway back and forth and see all the different colors of leaves.  

In the summer, there are so many shades of green, never had noticed before because I was not clear, my mind was not clear.

Summer months, all the children playing in the neighborhood.  

The sounds of their laughter, so beautiful, so lively, so young and pure.

Each sound, each pitch, so clearly heard.

Birds chirping, songs to be heard as they fly from one tree to another. 

Songs of the birds, so beautiful and harmonious.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I can clearly see the beauty in others, inside and out.

The beauty within each individual is explosive because the darkness of the anger that has slowly withered from my being only allows me to see the good and beauty in others.

I can clearly see the beauty in others, inside and out.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

The darkness of my anger for so long had over powered the little things in life that brings so much joy to my heart.

The laughter of my family playing and joking around with each other brings so much joy to my heart.

The precious smiles, the uniqueness that defines each of my children brings so much joy to my heart.

The love, the unconditional love of my family is more powerful, more significant, more rewarding and cherished because I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I can find the good qualities I possess and raise my head in confidence.  

I can work through my pain and be okay with feeling that pain, feeling the feelings without it consuming me and taking over my life.  

I can accept the decisions I have made, good or bad, and learn to forgive myself.

I must forgive myself before I can forgive others.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I forgive myself, love my self, and have compassion and understanding for myself.

I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

Understanding

“I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.”

                                                                                          - Unknown

Yes, I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

They love me as best as they can, a lot of understanding, a little understanding, or no understanding at all, they still love me.

The feeling of not being understood sometimes brings about sadness, frustration, and anger.

But yes, I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

The ability of others being able to understand me is my responsibility, not the person that cannot understand completely.

The ability to communicate what is going on, what is on my mind and asking for what I need is as much my responsibility then the person that cannot understand me completely.

Being honest with myself, being honest with my feelings is my responsibility.

Once I can be open and honest, being able to communicate what I need from others comes much easier.

My family still might not be able to understand me completely, but asking for what I need from them and the ability to be clear what I am asking for will help them to understand me more.

Not necessarily completely, just a little more than before.

I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.

Weekend As A Kid

Weekend, weekend, here we go again.

Always something to do, somewhere to be, family hanging out together.

Weekend, weekend, here we go again.

Friday, rest up because our weekend will be one with little to no rest.

Get that homework done because there will be little to no time once the sun begins to rise in the morning.

Pulling yourself out of bed, wanting to sleep in, but if you want to eat before the busy day begins, pull yourself out of bed.

Sun already risen, with the warmth and light peaking in through the sides of the window shades, have to get downstairs to be the first to open the cereal box and grab the toy hidden in the cereal box.

Mom and Aunt joining in, telling us to hurry and finish, lots of work to be done.

Can't leave without washing those dishes and completing the kitchen chores.

I have dishes, he has counters, she has to put the dishes away and sweep the floor.

Dressed in weekend clothes, the day is to begin with no Girl Scout trip scheduled.  It is an off week.  No rushing with weekend cleaning, hair washing, hot comb to the head, and don't forget about the weekly shopping and laundromat visit.

Yes, the time before being blessed with a washer and dryer in the home.  No complaints either because there is always fun at the laundromat.  Too bad that won't be until tomorrow.

No debate about the weekly cleaning.  Everyone knows what it entails.  Thankfully Mom and Auntie have a strict chore schedule list so weekend cleaning isn't too bad.

Cleaning house on the weekend.  More about organizing, making sure corners are clutter free, and any opportunity for renovation projects or designing was done with love, heart, and passion.  Of course after the yard was tidied up also.

Only bad part, cleaning the street lawn after the sidewalk.  Darn people should know by now, don't litter in front of the Mills home, we don't do that here, not this home.

Busy, busy, let's get it done, I want to play.  Cousin time, hanging out, getting into a little trouble, doing what we shouldn't be doing sometimes, but always bonding and growing stronger as a family unit.  Who knows what other cousins might make their way over today.  

Close family friends coming over?  Who knows, all the kids consider themselves cousins.  Blood is not the only thing that makes us family.

Who knows, who knows.

Dinner time, what is for dinner tonight?  Adults on the back porch watching us running around.  Today, they have us doing flips in the yard, maybe we will get in some volleyball or turn the sprinklers on and run through it free as the birds in the sky.  

With the music in the background, maybe we will put together another first cousin routine, or re-do our infamous Pretty Young Thing dance.  That dance never gets old.

Who knows, who knows.  It is the weekend, always something to do, somewhere to be, family hanging out together.

Sunday morning is here.  How do we know?  

Waking up to the smell of cheesy eggs, grits, sausage or bacon, and bacon.  All making our way down to help finish up the preparation and cooking.

"Make sure those biscuits have some brown on them because you know Grandaddy will remind you we don't eat biscuits with no color.  They are not done until they are golden brown."

Everyone at the kitchen table, with the plates full of hot cooked breakfast, in a hot kitchen, the smell of good home cooking breakfast to get your busy Sunday started.

Real butter with salt, no margarine on the table with the knife ready to slap on the grits.

Split that biscuit open and slap that butter in between and watch it melt.

Breakfast plate taken up to Grandaddy, whose ever turn it is to take it up is hoping they are left with enough to fill their plates when they get back.

Always enough, never too little to feed the clan.

Always conversation, getting ready for the busy day, for the upcoming week.

Dishes cleared, kitchen cleaned.  Same practice, everyday.  Mom not having dishes in the sink or an unkempt house.

Clothes all sorted out, packing them into the van.

Love hanging out and playing at the laundromat and the parking lot surrounding it, hate unloading and loading the clothes.  30 minutes to play while the clothes are soaking in the suds and getting fresh, a quick 5 minutes to unload and then load into those dryers.  

Hoping and hoping there is no wait, have to get back outside to play some more.

Another 30 minutes, let's see how much fun we can really get into because this is the last 30 minutes until we get home.

Lots of folding, lots of sorting onto each of our piles, lots and lots of folding.  How I hate this part about the laundromat.  I just want to play.  I am a kid, I don't want to do this.

Now time to go shopping.  Doesn't take too long, we have this down and very efficient.  The best part of going shopping...I absolutely love double bagging those brown bags, setting them up to get ready while the food comes down after being swiped.  

A lesson learned young, bags packed, heavy items on the bottom, light on the top.  Two carts, full of groceries, now to pile them into the van

Van emptied, groceries put away, clothes, towels, and linens put away, don't come back down until those beds are made with fresh linen and the bed is made back up.

"This is stupid, I am going to get back in the bed soon enough."

Only said in my mind, never aloud, not even close to being dumb enough to let Mom or Auntie hear my thoughts.

Time to go outside and play with the cousins again.

Not so fast, I am first to get my hair done.  That is not fair, I want to play.

Braids undone, nice deep cleaning of the hair and scalp is in progress.

Everyone is playing, I want to go outside and have fun too.

"Hurry up Mom, rinse my hair, put the deep conditioner in and plait it so I can go out and join in the fun also."

Only said in my mind, never aloud, not even close to being dumb enough to let Mom or Auntie hear my thoughts.

"Okay, you're done for now, go outside and let the sun soak up that conditioner in your head.

"About time, my turn to join in the fun!"

"Come get your hair rinsed."

Ugh, again, but at least the next break will be longer.  Hair rinsed, plaited back up and again, I am to join in the fun while the sun dries my hair this time.  

The smell of dinner cooking while we are playing outside, all having fun.  Sunday will be gone sooner than we know.

Time of playing is done, because it is time to get that hot comb to that head of mine.  The smell of the grease melting into my head with the heat.  The best smell ever.  My hair is going to be straight, waving in the wind.  The minds of a child so young.

All hair is done, braided up so neat and beautiful, ready for school for the week, dinner eaten, cleaned up and focus is on the week's preparations.

It is bed time, lights out.

"Good night, I love you."  Repeated about 10 - 15 times, everyone in the house sending their love.  

Yes, every night, not one night not done with this ritual in the Mills home.  

Weekend, weekend, you were fun, such sweet memories until next weekend to do it all over again.

Weekend, weekend how much fun you were.

Talking About Change vs. Making Change

Knowing that you need to make a change in your life is only the first step.  Understanding and taking the needed steps is the beginning of a journey that will bring about the endless powerful process of personal growth, self-understanding, self-reflection, and self-acceptance.  The process of change begins when you take action and no longer speak about what you want to do, what you are ready to do, what you know you need to do, but actually begin doing it.

It is so easy to tell yourself and others that you are ready to make the necessary changes in your life.  It is even harder when you work the steps and processes to personal healing.  For so long, so many of us have neglected ourselves because we were not ready to feel the pain of understanding who we were, why we did what we did and how and what we have gone through in our personal lives could have made a difference if we took those steps to understand them better. 

This does not apply to some and not all.  It applies to most of us because at some point in our lives we have all come across a situation that we had to make a decision and the result of it might not have been what we were expecting or looking forward to.  Personal relationships with family and friends, as well as school and business relationships.

While we might have worked through it, accepted it for what it was, there were times when we just were not happy with how we felt about it.  For so many of us, regardless of what that event was, there was feelings associated with it.  Anger, confusion, sadness, guilt, etc.  We either let it go, shrugged it off, or built up resentment that we kept dormant until it was ready to explode in anger and frustration.  The question I personally have had to work through is, “what did you do to work through those feelings?”  For so many of the outcomes I encountered…I did nothing. 

I thought that by holding onto my feelings, not addressing my feelings, “moving on,” or burying those feelings, it would allow me to do just that - move on, escape, never have to deal with them.  I actually thought I was powerful enough over my feelings that I could bury them so deep inside that there was absolutely no effect on me.  But that is not how it works. 

When we refuse to deal with our feelings, we don’t allow ourselves the ability to heal, to reflect on what really happened, what part we were in control of, what part we were not in control of, and what decisions we personally made that possibly had some direct or indirect impact on that specific event. 

When we understand that events from our pasts, the way we handled those events, how we might have or not might have addressed those events directly influences the way we dealt and deal with events in our current lives and actually work through those feelings, we will have promoted personal growth by beginning to practice the necessary changes needed in our lives.

Working through feelings, feeling the feelings is probably the hardest thing to do, especially when those feelings do not feel so good to us.  What we have to learn is that in order to learn to make necessary changes in our lives that will help us to make better decisions, or handle things, people, and events differently, it goes back to how we deal with our feelings and whether or not we are willing to feel those feelings.

I am not talking about just random thoughts, I am talking about getting deep down and personal with those feelings.  I am talking about getting raw.  I am talking about crying it out, laughing it out and then with time, having the ability to clearly process what and how we are feeling so we can make the necessary changes to become the person we want to become by our own accounts and not those of others.

The process of change begins when you take action and no longer speak about what you want to do, what you are ready to do, what you know you need to do, but actually begin doing it.

Young Lady, Young Lady

Young lady, it is time to wake and begin your day.

I truly understand the difficulties this one task is, especially when you are thinking about all of the other stuff you need and should be doing.

But, young lady, it is time to wake and begin your day.

Take a deep breath, breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth three times. 

Nice deep breaths.  Then open those beautiful eyes of yours and rise yourself from your bed.

Brush those pearly white teeth of yours while being mindful to what you are doing.  Each stroke, up and down and all the crevices in that beautiful mouth of yours, enjoy the feeling of the mint taste of your toothpaste work its way.

As you rinse the toothpaste, take in the mint smell.

Then, take that washcloth of yours, turn on the water, as warm as you can bare.  Soak it up with your soap and with each stroke, scrub that beautiful face of yours.

After you rinse your beautiful face, look into the mirror and smile at that young lady smiling back at you.

No make-up, no facade to hide that beautiful face of yours. 

Look at that cocoa skin and tell that young lady, she is beautiful, she is loved and she is going to have a wonderful day.

As you warm the water to shower, don’t be afraid to look in the mirror and embrace that body you see in the mirror.  Tell that young lady that you like what you see.

As you let the warm water hit your body, take your washcloth full of that beautiful smelling soap and gently clean the day before and the night away.  Take in each stroke as you clean that beautiful cocoa skin and let the water rinse you away the soap.  Take that beautiful smelling body wash and take in each stroke and let the water rinse away the soap.

As you dry that beautiful cocoa skin and rub that cocoa butter all over your body, look in the mirror and tell that young lady looking back at you, nourishing the body with love and appreciation of oneself is good for the soul.

Look in the mirror and take your arms and hold that young lady in the mirror tight with the tender arms of someone who loves her. 

Young lady, as you dress to start your day, tell yourself all of the things you want to work on at accomplishing for that day.  Remind that young lady that anything that is accomplished is one more thing to be proud of.

Go back to the bathroom, and look at that young lady in the mirror.  Tell her:

“I love you!”

“You are a good person!”

“You are beautiful!”

“You are somebody!”

“I love you, yes I do!”

Today, young lady, do not put on any make-up.  Take that moisturizer, rub it deep on that beautiful face and stroke by stroke, all while looking in the mirror, and tell that young lady looking back at you that you love what you see!

Today young lady, you are going to take little steps, but you are going to begin with what I have told you.  You are going to work at loving that young lady you see in the mirror first, every morning and trust me, everything else for the day will fall in place.

Young lady, it is time to wake and begin your day.

I AM OKAY, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, RIGHT NOW - THANK YOU!

It is a very exciting feeling when you begin to understand yourself more and are okay with the person you look at in the mirror.   It is not every day I have this feeling.  Sometimes it is for a moment and other times it is not at all.  But when I do get that feeling I try hard to hold onto it, appreciate it and embrace it.

When I was younger I remember wondering why I hated the person I was.  I did not understand why I did not feel like I had many true meaningful relationships.  My mother and aunt would tell me that it was not the number of people you considered friends but how meaningful they were and that usually meant that you could count on one hand who your friends were.

Interesting enough though, my mother and aunt made a decision to become Girl Scout leaders so that I could build the relationships with others who were like minded and that had the same values and morals that I was raised with.  They definitely were leaders for other reasons, but I do know the initial thought was they wanted me to be in a group where I did not feel isolated and unwanted.  These ladies along with another leader they worked with over the years (and many others) were exceptional leaders in the community.  They focused on us girls to help build our confidence, our self-esteem, and anything and everything that would help us grow up to be productive young ladies and not just take from society, but to be valuable assets in the community and contribute to make it a better place, including those that would come in contact with us throughout our lives.

Even with all of the positive people in my life and the repeated reminders that I was a good person, I was smart, beautiful and likable, I never really felt it in my heart.  I only would focus on the negative feedback I would receive from others.  I remember being teased, bullied, and broken down from all of the hate I received from a lot of people I grew up with.  For some reason, I did not learn the skill of letting it go.  I did not learn how to love myself and not allow others to define who I was. 

There was nothing good enough that would keep me from feeling my lowest.  There was nothing that anyone else could do or say that would help me release all of the negativity I was feeling and just let it go.  I took all that anger I felt and I aimed it directly at myself.  All inward, never in a healthy way, aiming it at those that really deserved it. 

As crazy as it seems to me now as an adult, I don’t think even when I felt happy I was truly happy.  I covered up my pain.  I was the master of facades.  I was the master of manipulation.  I was the master of making (or thinking I was) people think I was okay.  I was not me.  I was playing a part in a world that I wanted to be but wasn’t.

I go back to the Girl Scout experience.  I go back to it because my life was engulfed in it.  I was not just a Girl Scout, but I was everything and anything I wanted it to be.  It allowed me to be something I was not sure I was.  It allowed me to play a role that I was perfect at.  I was powerful, I was strong.  I was in a world that I could make all mine.  I could escape with the community involvement.  I could make people like me, adore me, look up to me because I represented someone that was doing something positive and to the world I was good. 

So today, I am trying to figure out who I am, what I am, what I like to do and more importantly, why I like to do what I do.

I want to feel the goodness in everyone.  I want to feel the high I experienced when I was doing things that made people feel good, made me feel good.  I want to feel that natural high of living me for me because I am doing something positive.  I am not really sure what I am trying to say other than I am at a place that I want to love the person I am.  I want to love the person that my mother and aunt wanted to nourish to become a power house.  I want to be that person that loves who they look and love in the mirror and says to those that throw any negative stones, FUCK YOU!  I am good.  Why?  Because your hate makes me stronger. 

I am at a place where I want to feel good.  I want to be at a place where I want to love myself for me, not because I am waiting for some acceptance from someone, others that don’t deserve it.  I love me.  I like me.  I like my tenacity. 

I worry sometimes what my writings will do to those I love and love me.  But I have to believe that they would rather me express myself and release my pain and suffering this way than come together with others to bury me.

I am at a good place today.  I am at a good place at this moment.  I want to stay in that place and this is definitely doing it.  At this moment, at this very moment, I Love myself, I wrap my arms around that child that was lost and still is lost and I remind her that she is strong, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is a productive member of society that is possibly helping someone else in their dark time of need to make it another day.  Because I am!  Damn, I am good today.  Thank GOD for that!

Taking Back the Power!

So who do we give the power to?

So who do we allow the power to take our happiness away?

So, who do we allow the power to keep us hostage with all the secrecy of a life that should not be?

So, who do we allow the power to take control of one’s life and decide how I am going to live in it, feel in it, enjoy it and accept it?

Definitely not you!

I woke up Thursday morning with a burning question on my mind.  I knew my therapist gave me an assignment (positive aspirations), but this thought of self-love over-ruled everything else.

I thought about the stories I heard in my group therapies and even from my therapist and I knew, I just knew, I wanted to be more.  I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to be a fighter.  I wanted to be free DAMNIT! 

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE MY JOY, MY FEELING OF BEING FREE FROM ME!

YOU NO LONGER CONTROL ME!

YOU NO LONGER SCARE ME!

YOU ARE NOW MY “SHOT”…YOU ARE NOW MY FOCUS!

When you showed me that gun and you made me hold it in force and told me I never knew when you would possess it…you gave me the power that I now know I possess!

See, If I am going to die…I am going to die my way!

You are NOT going to decide when it ends!

You are not going to decide when I am going to question my life!

You are not going to decide showing me, forcing me to hold your murder weapon while forcing yourself on me that you have all the control.

I HAVE ALL THE CONTROL!

I wake in wetness.

I sweat at night in fear

I fear going out

I fear being with my children enjoying being a Mom, because of you!

I fear being me and sitting out on my front porch…you are too sneaky and I know it.

Yet, I got you!

You are not too far from being caught.

The real question for me is….Do I want to get better?

Hell Yeah!!

I am tired of being alone, being confused, being 

scared, being afraid of my own shadow…I am ready.

I realize it is  a process, and it takes time.

I realize I am working through that process and sometimes it feels as if it will never come to an end.

I also realize intellectually that the process NEVER ends. 

It is a process that I will have to work through for the entire rest of my life.

I have to learn self-soothing, mindful activities that will allow me to lead a life that is full of happiness, satisfaction and peace.

While this is a process that most people have to, or should live their life to bring personal peace, I have to do it because it depends on my survival.

So, for my survival, I am learning ways to take that power that you have over me away.  

Once step at a time.

I am going to have to be open, honest and raw and work through each of these feelings I come face to face with, without self-medicating, without denial, and without the resistance to escape because it is easier.

I am going to cry it out.  I am going to scream, I am going to grab my husband when I am losing it and hold him while he holds me back, tight and secured and walk back and forth, up and down my stairs.

I am going to tell my babies I am okay when they ask if there is anything they can do for me when they watch me, confused, hurt, sad, and not knowing what to do.

I am going to tell them, “Mommy just needs to cry it out, Daddy has me and I will be okay.”

I am going to learn to stop turning this anger inward that I so badly want to have for you because I will not survive too much longer if I don’t get a grip, a hold of it.

I am going to slowly take the power away that you took from me for months and months and I am going to make myself stronger.

I am going to take that power away by telling my story little by little so I no longer am holding away the guilt, pain, hurt within in, because I ultimately have the power.

I have the power to make myself happy, to find happiness, to find peace and sense of safety without you keeping that from me.

Watch out, I am going to find you. 

Watch out, I remember your threats.

I will be ready.  I will be powerful and ready to fight back and be strong if and when you come back and you think you are keeping your promise.

I will continue to use my love of writing, and my blog to give myself the power that I need to take the power away from you, that you do not deserve and you are not at all owed.

Why Can't I Just Get Better?

I can't just get better because the flashbacks and nightmares come at me all at once.

I can't get better because I am scared all of the freaking time!

I can't get better because I am so used to the feeling of feeling scared, I no longer know the feeling of feeling good, of feeling safe.

SO!

To all the people that pass judgement on me, you have NO IDEA OF THIS FEELING!

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME!  Walk a mile in my shoes, YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT!

Not because you care, but because you think it is okay to laugh a my deficiencies!

You feel it is okay to laugh at my inability to hold it all together!

You are not my friend!

You are NOT my family's friend.

What we need is support, love and someone who is willing to weather this fight together!

What we need in our lives, our home is someone to passes no judgement just accepts, whether agrees or not and is there when we are falling.

Why?

Because that is a TRUE friend.  That is a friend that is looking out for the entire family and does not pass judgement.  Might pass sadness and anger, but is willing to support to the end, no matter what.

Why?

Because they have proved themselves before, they are just having a hard time and need the push to work it through the pain and heartache.

If you are not that person, stay out of our lives, you will reap the web you sow!  All hatred, no love!!

My First Steps to A New Beginning - 07/09/2015

Part of moving forward and staying positive is looking for the positive in my life and life around me. 

 

Part of getting better is seeking out what makes me happy.

Part of me healing and becoming a survivor rather than wallow in self-pity is forcing myself to find the best in whatever surrounds me.  It is being mindful of my surroundings and not allowing negative forces to bring down my spirits.

Overcoming multiple trauma throughout the years is difficult.  One moment you feel and believe that you have moved on.  Unfortunately when you encounter another trauma, past feelings, past guilt, past pain becomes your normal reality.

The important thing is to work through all of those feelings and believing in yourself, believing that you deserve better, believing that you are a good person.

As I write this blog, I use it as a way to work through my pain.  It is not a blog full of self-pity, but one that is allowing me to express my feelings, let go some of those feelings, and being able to move on throughout the day. 

Even if for a moment, it is enough to get me to continue the day. 

It is a way for me to take all the negative thoughts, express them, and then taking them, putting them in a box.  A box that doesn’t make the feelings go away, just a box that allows me to continue my day. 

There are many ways that one must work the day out for themselves to keep them out of the bed, off the couch, or sitting somewhere crying and feeling sorry for themselves.  There are so many ways to do this.

• Set a schedule, even if it is every 30 minutes of every day.  Make the schedule from a set time to wake up, brush your teeth, wash your face, take a shower and get dressed.  Even more helpful, make your bed and leave your room.  Staying in a room with a bed only gives you the out to jump back in it once the feelings become overwhelming.

• If you have a job, have a set time that you will make breakfast for yourself, have a cup of coffee to start your day off, walk out the house and begin a productive day at work. 

• I have not done it yet, but definitely plan to…take note cards or post-its, post them on your bathroom mirrors.  While you are brushing your teeth and taking care of your hygiene for the morning, read those words of inspirations that you sit down, take the time to really write out and understand who you are, and read them, one by one.  Put at least (31) up.  While you read each one of those (31), choose one a day that you will focus on.   

• Also, add pictures of people in your life that bring you joy, support you, and you know you can count on.  Look at those faces before you start the day so that you know that you have people you can call on if and when needed throughout the day. 

• While you are having your breakfast or morning coffee, make sure you have a journal, notebook.  Decorate it with those same pictures, and words of wisdom.  Then write.  It doesn’t have to be long.  It can be as simple as noting what inspiring words you are going to focus on and ways you are going to use it in your day.  Then, if you have anything additional you want to write, go ahead and do just that. 

• Take this notebook with you.  Carry it with you.  If throughout the day you have beautiful thoughts, thoughts of pain, random thoughts that you cannot clear in your mind, but your thoughts are racy and you just need to release them from your mind, write it down and remember:  you are putting it down on a piece of paper.  Kind of the same as putting them in a box to work through those thoughts later if you need to.

Regardless of how your day goes, these few steps will help.  I do know this because while I have not placed words of inspiration or pictures of loved ones on my bathroom mirror, I do carry around a journal and try to jot thoughts down, especially when they are overwhelming.  I might not do it quite as much as I should, but I try.

Try is the key word.  I know from experience.  I know what does and does not work for me.  Whether or try to do what works for me or not, I know what I need to do.  Again, the key word is trying.

There is a lot of other things I can do.  But for me, this is where I am going to start.  I am also going to try to do my daily blogging.  It might help others, and that is great if it does.  However, this is what I am going to work on for myself because I am tired of doing the same thing that has definitely not worked for me in quite a while.  I am ready for change, ready for a new beginning, ready to let go and be happy and back to who I liked to be and others enjoyed being with, laughing and doing things that are happy and productive.

Hope everyone that reads this has a wonderful day!

New Beginnings

Oh what a beautiful and refreshing feeling to read all of the birthday wishes on Facebook from family and friends!  There were some that were so kind, so beneficial to the crazy state of mind I was feeling on a birthday that should be filled with nothing but enjoyment, blessings and excitement for a new year while being thankful that I woke up to experience another birthday.

For that, I thank you all!

Last year my birthday was one I wish to never remember.  Unfortunately, it will be one that will never escape from my memories.  Aside from being surrounded by those that love me, it was also one of terror, pain, and a life-long of a day I will have to work through with a positive outlook on life.  

My 38^th year of living has been filled with hell, yet it is always best to look at the positives enjoyed during that time.  And yes, I did have some enjoyable moments I am forever grateful for.

The positive part of my 38^th year was filled with spending time with family at our bi-annual family reunion.  One where I was able to reminisce the good times of growing up, enjoying the company of elders while listening to their memories and being crazy with my siblings and cousins (and even aunts) who accepted (and still accept me) for being me.  Being who I was…and that felt SOOO good!  For a while at least, I was able to experience life.  I was able to be mindful, in the moment, enjoying life how I should enjoy it.  That travel back to NY, I danced like I had not danced in a long time.  I enjoyed being back home.  I enjoyed and remembered what was important to me, FAMILY!

Other positives was no other than watching my children grow and become more independent.  While they sometimes drove me crazy, I watched the relationship with other cousins from both sides of the family grow.  I cannot wait to see how their relationships grow and are as strong as mine are with my cousins.  Nothing by cousin love!

My son, my oldest, graduated high school early.  Accepted admission to University of Alabama (ROLL TIDE!!) with a Presidential and Engineering Scholarship.  His ambitiousness is earning him a Real Estate License, at 18 years of age!  Proudness is nowhere close to how I feel about this boy.  He pushes me in his own way and holds me accountable and when I am down, he does the littlest things to make me feel better.  I can’t wait to continue watching him grow to be a successful, genuine man with integrity!

My daughters…I speak of them together because their love/hate relationship is one that is filled with nothing but love!  They laugh, sing and fight with each other.  They give each other advice while at the same time, being truthful with each other in an effort to push the other for positivity.  The relationship I always hoped for them as they are so close in age.  Their ambition and tenacity will lead them to a life of success and integrity.

My husband.  MY ROCK!  Oh, how this year has been hard for him!  Even when it seemed there was no light at the end of tunnel, he stuck with it, pushed me, pushed the kids, supported me and made me fight no matter how grim the days ahead seemed.  When I am in so much pain and he holds me tight and reminds me how much he loves me, I know he means it, especially since he does not say “I love you” loosely.  BUT, he always says it when it is so much needed.

The other positive in my life this past year was learning who my friends were, who my supporters were, who accepted me through all of my faults and never doubted me.  While I have distanced and isolated myself for quite a while, I am always reminded via email, IM’s, Facebook or Twitter messages and posts, and phone calls, or stops by my house, I am loved, I have support systems and when I am ready, they will always be there.

My 38^th year of life made me realize how important family and a good support system is.  Probably more than ever, I realized how much I am like my mother, and now more than any other time in my life, the respect for her and how she lives her life and how her children were the number one priority makes me proud to be her daughter.  Parenting is so hard.  We make mistakes, we receive unconditional love from our children, yet at the same time, they fight you, they push you to points you thought you never had, all the while making you love them more because they do it because they know you are there for them and will never let go.  They know no matter how bad it gets, you are Mom and you will be there.

On July 7^th I decided I was going to wake up from my life of self-pity.  I was going to do whatever I needed to let go of the guilt, let go of the pain and instead of wallowing in it, I was going to do something differently.  What I was doing was and is no longer working.  With that said, I realized I needed to be more pro-active in becoming happy again.  I needed to make my 39^th year of life one like no other.  While I am not promised tomorrow, I owe it to myself and loved ones to live each day as if it my last.  I need to become more mindful.  I need to enjoy the birds singing on beautiful sunny days.  I need to enjoy listening to the laughter of my children and husband.  I need to enjoy listening to my children when they just want to talk and have an ear and know that I am listening and I am supportive.  I need to learn again what it feels like to love myself, to like myself and to be happy with who I am.  For the things I am not happy about, I need to learn how to make the change that will make me happy. 

I owe it to myself.  If I do not love myself, like myself, respect myself, how can I accept that from others?  The guilt, the negative things from the past will destroy you if you allow it to.  The devil is well and alive, IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO BE! 

I forgive myself.  I now truly believe it and know it was not my fault and I am ready for a new beginning.  I am ready to learn all the tools to recover and be a survivor.  No longer talk, but active steps to not allow myself to be a victim so that I can wake up on July 3^rd and July 7^th of next year (if God allows me to) and have a different outcome to write about!