Oh what a beautiful and refreshing feeling to read all of
the birthday wishes on Facebook from family and friends! There were some that were so kind, so
beneficial to the crazy state of mind I was feeling on a birthday that should
be filled with nothing but enjoyment, blessings and excitement for a new year
while being thankful that I woke up to experience another birthday.
For that, I thank you all!
Last year my birthday was one I wish to never remember. Unfortunately, it will be one that will never
escape from my memories. Aside from
being surrounded by those that love me, it was also one of terror, pain, and a
life-long of a day I will have to work through with a positive outlook on
life.
My 38th year of living
has been filled with hell, yet it is always best to look at the positives
enjoyed during that time. And yes, I did
have some enjoyable moments I am forever grateful for.
The positive part of my 38th year was filled with
spending time with family at our bi-annual family reunion. One where I was able to reminisce the good
times of growing up, enjoying the company of elders while listening to their
memories and being crazy with my siblings and cousins (and even aunts) who accepted
(and still accept me) for being me.
Being who I was…and that felt SOOO good!
For a while at least, I was able to experience life. I was able to be mindful, in the moment, enjoying
life how I should enjoy it. That travel
back to NY, I danced like I had not danced in a long time. I enjoyed being back home. I enjoyed and remembered what was important
to me, FAMILY!
Other positives was no other than watching my children grow
and become more independent. While they
sometimes drove me crazy, I watched the relationship with other cousins from
both sides of the family grow. I cannot wait
to see how their relationships grow and are as strong as mine are with my
cousins. Nothing by cousin love!
My son, my oldest, graduated high school early. Accepted admission to University of Alabama
(ROLL TIDE!!) with a Presidential and Engineering Scholarship. His ambitiousness is earning him a Real Estate
License, at 18 years of age! Proudness
is nowhere close to how I feel about this boy.
He pushes me in his own way and holds me accountable and when I am down,
he does the littlest things to make me feel better. I can’t wait to continue watching him grow to
be a successful, genuine man with integrity!
My daughters…I speak of them together because their
love/hate relationship is one that is filled with nothing but love! They laugh, sing and fight with each
other. They give each other advice while
at the same time, being truthful with each other in an effort to push the other
for positivity. The relationship I
always hoped for them as they are so close in age. Their ambition and tenacity will lead them to
a life of success and integrity.
My husband. MY
ROCK! Oh, how this year has been hard
for him! Even when it seemed there was
no light at the end of tunnel, he stuck with it, pushed me, pushed the kids,
supported me and made me fight no matter how grim the days ahead seemed. When I am in so much pain and he holds me
tight and reminds me how much he loves me, I know he means it, especially since
he does not say “I love you” loosely.
BUT, he always says it when it is so much needed.
The other positive in my life this past year was learning
who my friends were, who my supporters were, who accepted me through all of my
faults and never doubted me. While I
have distanced and isolated myself for quite a while, I am always reminded via
email, IM’s, Facebook or Twitter messages and posts, and phone calls, or stops
by my house, I am loved, I have support systems and when I am ready, they will
always be there.
My 38th year of life made me realize how
important family and a good support system is.
Probably more than ever, I realized how much I am like my mother, and
now more than any other time in my life, the respect for her and how she lives
her life and how her children were the number one priority makes me proud to be
her daughter. Parenting is so hard. We make mistakes, we receive unconditional
love from our children, yet at the same time, they fight you, they push you to
points you thought you never had, all the while making you love them more
because they do it because they know you are there for them and will never let
go. They know no matter how bad it gets,
you are Mom and you will be there.
On July 7th I decided I was going to wake up from
my life of self-pity. I was going to do
whatever I needed to let go of the guilt, let go of the pain and instead of
wallowing in it, I was going to do something differently. What I was doing was and is no longer
working. With that said, I realized I
needed to be more pro-active in becoming happy again. I needed to make my 39th year of
life one like no other. While I am not
promised tomorrow, I owe it to myself and loved ones to live each day as if it
my last. I need to become more mindful. I need to enjoy the birds singing on
beautiful sunny days. I need to enjoy
listening to the laughter of my children and husband. I need to enjoy listening to my children when
they just want to talk and have an ear and know that I am listening and I am
supportive. I need to learn again what
it feels like to love myself, to like myself and to be happy with who I
am. For the things I am not happy about,
I need to learn how to make the change that will make me happy.
I owe it to myself.
If I do not love myself, like myself, respect myself, how can I accept
that from others? The guilt, the
negative things from the past will destroy you if you allow it to. The devil is well and alive, IF YOU ALLOW HIM
TO BE!
I forgive myself. I
now truly believe it and know it was not my fault and I am ready for a new
beginning. I am ready to learn all the
tools to recover and be a survivor. No
longer talk, but active steps to not allow myself to be a victim so that I can
wake up on July 3rd and July 7th of next year (if God
allows me to) and have a different outcome to write about!
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