It is a very exciting feeling when you begin to understand
yourself more and are okay with the person you look at in the mirror. It is not every day I have this feeling. Sometimes it is for a moment and other times
it is not at all. But when I do get that
feeling I try hard to hold onto it, appreciate it and embrace it.
When I was younger I remember wondering why I hated the
person I was. I did not understand why I
did not feel like I had many true meaningful relationships. My mother and aunt would tell me that it was
not the number of people you considered friends but how meaningful they were
and that usually meant that you could count on one hand who your friends were.
Interesting enough though, my mother and aunt made a
decision to become Girl Scout leaders so that I could build the relationships
with others who were like minded and that had the same values and morals that I
was raised with. They definitely were
leaders for other reasons, but I do know the initial thought was they wanted me
to be in a group where I did not feel isolated and unwanted. These ladies along with another leader they
worked with over the years (and many others) were exceptional leaders in the
community. They focused on us girls to
help build our confidence, our self-esteem, and anything and everything that
would help us grow up to be productive young ladies and not just take from
society, but to be valuable assets in the community and contribute to make it a
better place, including those that would come in contact with us throughout our
lives.
Even with all of the positive people in my life and the
repeated reminders that I was a good person, I was smart, beautiful and
likable, I never really felt it in my heart.
I only would focus on the negative feedback I would receive from
others. I remember being teased, bullied,
and broken down from all of the hate I received from a lot of people I grew up
with. For some reason, I did not learn
the skill of letting it go. I did not
learn how to love myself and not allow others to define who I was.
There was nothing good enough that would keep me from
feeling my lowest. There was nothing
that anyone else could do or say that would help me release all of the negativity
I was feeling and just let it go. I took
all that anger I felt and I aimed it directly at myself. All inward, never in a healthy way, aiming it
at those that really deserved it.
As crazy as it seems to me now as an adult, I don’t think
even when I felt happy I was truly happy.
I covered up my pain. I was the
master of facades. I was the master of
manipulation. I was the master of making
(or thinking I was) people think I was okay.
I was not me. I was playing a
part in a world that I wanted to be but wasn’t.
I go back to the Girl Scout experience. I go back to it because my life was engulfed
in it. I was not just a Girl Scout, but
I was everything and anything I wanted it to be. It allowed me to be something I was not sure
I was. It allowed me to play a role that
I was perfect at. I was powerful, I was
strong. I was in a world that I could
make all mine. I could escape with the
community involvement. I could make
people like me, adore me, look up to me because I represented someone that was
doing something positive and to the world I was good.
So today, I am trying to figure out who I am, what I am,
what I like to do and more importantly, why I like to do what I do.
I want to feel the goodness in everyone. I want to feel the high I experienced when I
was doing things that made people feel good, made me feel good. I want to feel that natural high of living me
for me because I am doing something positive.
I am not really sure what I am trying to say other than I am at a place
that I want to love the person I am. I
want to love the person that my mother and aunt wanted to nourish to become a
power house. I want to be that person
that loves who they look and love in the mirror and says to those that throw
any negative stones, FUCK YOU! I am
good. Why? Because your hate makes me stronger.
I am at a place where I want to feel good. I want to be at a place where I want to love
myself for me, not because I am waiting for some acceptance from someone,
others that don’t deserve it. I love
me. I like me. I like my tenacity.
I worry sometimes what my writings will do to those I love
and love me. But I have to believe that
they would rather me express myself and release my pain and suffering this way
than come together with others to bury me.
I am at a good place today.
I am at a good place at this moment.
I want to stay in that place and this is definitely doing it. At this moment, at this very moment, I Love
myself, I wrap my arms around that child that was lost and still is lost and I
remind her that she is strong, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is a
productive member of society that is possibly helping someone else in their
dark time of need to make it another day.
Because I am! Damn, I am good
today. Thank GOD for that!
No comments:
Post a Comment