Taking Back the Power!

So who do we give the power to?

So who do we allow the power to take our happiness away?

So, who do we allow the power to keep us hostage with all the secrecy of a life that should not be?

So, who do we allow the power to take control of one’s life and decide how I am going to live in it, feel in it, enjoy it and accept it?

Definitely not you!

I woke up Thursday morning with a burning question on my mind.  I knew my therapist gave me an assignment (positive aspirations), but this thought of self-love over-ruled everything else.

I thought about the stories I heard in my group therapies and even from my therapist and I knew, I just knew, I wanted to be more.  I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to be a fighter.  I wanted to be free DAMNIT! 

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE MY JOY, MY FEELING OF BEING FREE FROM ME!

YOU NO LONGER CONTROL ME!

YOU NO LONGER SCARE ME!

YOU ARE NOW MY “SHOT”…YOU ARE NOW MY FOCUS!

When you showed me that gun and you made me hold it in force and told me I never knew when you would possess it…you gave me the power that I now know I possess!

See, If I am going to die…I am going to die my way!

You are NOT going to decide when it ends!

You are not going to decide when I am going to question my life!

You are not going to decide showing me, forcing me to hold your murder weapon while forcing yourself on me that you have all the control.

I HAVE ALL THE CONTROL!

I wake in wetness.

I sweat at night in fear

I fear going out

I fear being with my children enjoying being a Mom, because of you!

I fear being me and sitting out on my front porch…you are too sneaky and I know it.

Yet, I got you!

You are not too far from being caught.

The real question for me is….Do I want to get better?

Hell Yeah!!

I am tired of being alone, being confused, being 

scared, being afraid of my own shadow…I am ready.

I realize it is  a process, and it takes time.

I realize I am working through that process and sometimes it feels as if it will never come to an end.

I also realize intellectually that the process NEVER ends. 

It is a process that I will have to work through for the entire rest of my life.

I have to learn self-soothing, mindful activities that will allow me to lead a life that is full of happiness, satisfaction and peace.

While this is a process that most people have to, or should live their life to bring personal peace, I have to do it because it depends on my survival.

So, for my survival, I am learning ways to take that power that you have over me away.  

Once step at a time.

I am going to have to be open, honest and raw and work through each of these feelings I come face to face with, without self-medicating, without denial, and without the resistance to escape because it is easier.

I am going to cry it out.  I am going to scream, I am going to grab my husband when I am losing it and hold him while he holds me back, tight and secured and walk back and forth, up and down my stairs.

I am going to tell my babies I am okay when they ask if there is anything they can do for me when they watch me, confused, hurt, sad, and not knowing what to do.

I am going to tell them, “Mommy just needs to cry it out, Daddy has me and I will be okay.”

I am going to learn to stop turning this anger inward that I so badly want to have for you because I will not survive too much longer if I don’t get a grip, a hold of it.

I am going to slowly take the power away that you took from me for months and months and I am going to make myself stronger.

I am going to take that power away by telling my story little by little so I no longer am holding away the guilt, pain, hurt within in, because I ultimately have the power.

I have the power to make myself happy, to find happiness, to find peace and sense of safety without you keeping that from me.

Watch out, I am going to find you. 

Watch out, I remember your threats.

I will be ready.  I will be powerful and ready to fight back and be strong if and when you come back and you think you are keeping your promise.

I will continue to use my love of writing, and my blog to give myself the power that I need to take the power away from you, that you do not deserve and you are not at all owed.