How Bad Do I Want This?

11/14/2015 (Saturday) @ 4:28 PM

So, what does all this mean to me?

How bad do I want this?

How bad do I really want this?

I will never be the person I was before I walked through the doors on the evening of October 21, 2015 - 11 PM. 

I do not want to be that person.

She is gone, gone forever!

Making the choice to get the help I needed was not a hard choice. 

It was a choice that I needed to make for myself because I had lost touch with who I was and what I wanted.

I allowed fear to consume my life.

The thought of the what if, should have, and whys was all I call think about.

The need to escape and numb myself was increasing as each day passed.

I would not truly understand for another fourteen days later how important this decision was until someone I really became close to said, "CHANGE I MUST, OR DIE I WILL!"

From the beginning of the trauma I had questioned anything and everything I had known.  The confident Michelle that volunteered, was for the most part outgoing, and very sociable, had become a lost soul.  My faith in just about everyone and everything diminished as I was hurt and violated.  I felt trapped in a situation that was so surreal and sounded more like a Lifetime movie than reality.

The only way I could escape from the vivid flashbacks and nightmares was to gulp some liquor or wine down and fall asleep.  Even if this was not truly the best way to deal with the repeated violations, it was what worked for me.

When it stopped after ten months, it was still not over.  I was left with the aftermath of the storm that had already turned my life and my family's life upside down.  For the majority of the time until about two weeks before I walked through the doors in the next step in my journey, I was able to put on a facade and put onto those outside my home and inner circle the appearance that everything was okay.  Even when I couldn't, I tried my best to cover it all up.  That only would, and only did last for so long because the more control I tried to have, the more out of control I became.

Though I have a loving and supportive family, I thought my death would be better for everyone.  I was trying so hard to be strong, but the truth was, I was not.  Scared of my own shadow, scared to sleep in my own bed, scared to be home alone, scared to be out in public, and worse of all, scared of my own feelings.

No longer enjoying the taste of alcohol, alcohol was my morphine.  It worked just the way I needed it to.  I never experienced cravings or withdrawal.  I never work up and needed it just to function.  It was simply my way to get through the moments when I had to hide from the memories.

Change I must...Feelings never killed anyone.  Not feeling them could definitely kill.

This stop on my journey has been what I needed so bad.  I was too close to crossing that line and becoming an alcoholic.  The stories told in either groups or between others let me know that I was not alone.  Listening to others has taught me where I don't want to be.  So being 100% committed to this stop on my journey is paramount to my recovery.

Die I will...not a doubt for even a second.  If I do not open up, communicate with others, especially my counselor or other staff and be open, honest and raw about what I need in order to get better, I am afraid I will give up on myself.  The truth is I have already given up on myself.  Within a six month time frame I had attempted to take my life three times.  Before October 21st, I knew a fourth attempt would most likely be successful because I was determined to be successful...any means necessary!

So, I ask myself again, Michelle, how bad do you want this?

With all my heart I want to get the help I need.  As much as I want to die, I don't.  I have too many people that love me dearly, support me, and believe in me.

Yes, today I missed the first three groups of the day.  That definitely does not mean that I am not 100% committed to this program or my recovery.  I was simply exhausted.  No different than when I am at home, I tend to focus on others and want to be supportive and help others.  I absolutely love this part of who I am.  At the same time I have to remember I have to be #1.  If I am not healthy and happy and taking care of myself, I will not be good to anyone else.  This cannot happen.

I am at a point where I am truly feeling safe and ready to open up.  This has the be and is my focus until I leave.  One of the #1, and pretty much only goal I have is allowing myself to get open, raw, and real regarding the trauma I suffered while in a safe place so I can sit and deal with my feelings without my medication...alcohol.

My therapist from home believes that if I am able to this enough before I leave, I will be in a better place when I get home.  I would have had experienced feeling my feelings and know that I will be okay.

The Sounds Of Happiness

11/13/2015 (Friday) @ 2:20 PM

Sounds of laughter filling the bowling alley.

Smiles on so many faces, missed seeing for so long.

There is this energy that is bursting through the seams and ready to take hold of the soul because it has been longing to capture the child within.

So many happy people.

The chance to be one's self without worry.

Who would have thought the smiles could escape the darkness within.

We forget the joys of life.

We forget we need to have fun.

We forget that laughter helps mend the hurt we have.

Hugs and hi-fives,

Swaying to the beat of the music, letting the rhythm of the beats guide us as we rock back and forth, side by side.

Even if just for a few hours, we are like those Earth people who seem so foreign to us.

Many of us forget we could have clean fun by just being with others that share parts of our journey.

A chance to get to know the real us, cleansed from those poisons that took so much from us.

Will we remember this moment when we leave?

Will we hold this memory close to our hearts as a reminder that we can have fun, just by being in the moment with no help from the devil and his weapons of destruction?

I hope so, I really do.  I have already locked the smiles and laughter away in a special place in my heart.

We are worthy of happiness!

If only for a small amount of time, we are worthy of happiness!

Eviction Letter To Alex

11/13/2015 (Friday) @ 2:15 AM

I have only known you by the name of Alex, but we both know that is not your real name.  But that is okay because you are still being evicted.  For way too long I have allowed you space in my head you are not worthy of.  I am taking back control of my life.  I am taking back the power you took from me repeatedly.

My husband, my children, and others that love me know everything.  Your threats and attempts at blackmail no longer carry any weight.  They already know.  They know everything.  They know how you repeatedly violated me.  They even know what you look like and what you do for a living.  Every time you even think of riding into my neighborhood, know that everyone knows what type of truck you drive.

Since the beginning of this insane, demented craziness, you have had this emotional and physical control of me.  You intentionally had wicket deceit in your mind from the beginning.  Through manipulation, physical, and sexual violation, you literally mind fucked me for ten months.  Never in my life would I ever had thought someone could and would set out to be so evil and hurtful.  Never would I have thought I could not be strong enough to fight a monster like you.

Guess what though!  This is your official eviction notice...I am cleansing my mind, body, and soul of you.  Step by step this will happen.  It is time to peel the onion, layer by layer.

Numerous times you felt the need to videotape and take pictures of me, all while raping me.  You would force me to drink that disgusting, beyond legal proof of liquor and then mix it with a drug that would knock me out just as you repeatedly told me, so you could reminisce raping me, but it looking like I was a willing partner.  Then, you had the audacity to use those against me to threaten and blackmail me.  But again, guess what?  My husband knows all about it.  So, next time you even think about sending copies to my husband addressed directly to him, we both will be waiting, and off to the sheriff's office we will go...it is a felony to distribute pornographic material.  And those threats of putting them online...I dare you...I am not afraid anymore!

It took way too long, but you violating me is making me stronger!  Hitting me, choking me, screwing me while forcing me to hold that gun of yours to make me "submit," that happened way too many times.  But today, those experiences have finally made me stronger.  I am ready to fight back now.  The way I see it, if I am going to die, I am going to die fighting.  I refuse to allow to be treated that way.  Not sure if you really would have ever pulled that trigger.  Now, I am calling your bluff if ever faced with that again.

Also, since you had become so skilled on stalking me and my family, I am giving you an open invitation, I am daring you to come anywhere in my comfort zone.  I will be ready for you.  Everyone will know that you are where you shouldn't be.  I will make a scene so big that law enforcement will be called to come get your ass.  Most likely, like always, you will have your rape bag, and no ID with you, and possibly your gun on you.  This will be perfect because they will ask you for your ID.  If you don't have it, they will take you in.  If by chance you did have your ID with you, I will finally find out your true identity.  Order of protection will immediately be requested.

I may not be emotionally at a point that I can move past this insanity, but I am ready to do whatever I have to do to be in a place that I can be at peace with this entire situation.

I am working on no longer blaming myself for whatever happened for those ten months.  I will get to that point with the love and support of my team.   That team includes my angry husband who will do whatever he has to in order to protect his family.

Alex, or should I say whomever you are, you have been evicted.  Good riddance.  I am worthy of a happy and a healthy life!

Believe In Yourself!

11/12/2015 (Thursday) @ 2:14 AM

Ladies...

Remember always, you are beautiful, strong, and courageous women.

Through the storm we have come so far.

This is the beginning of a new life.

The rebirth of a new you.

Your journey has just begun.

As each day passes you will become stronger and more confident.

Hold your head up high and know that you are right where you should be at this very moment.

Embrace change as change is good.

Find strength in those that love and support you unconditionally.

Trust that you can overcome any obstacle...

You made that first step when you walked through these doors.

That alone makes you strong!

Allow this stop on your journey to give you the strength to continue on.

Please know that you are powerful.

Let the rest of the world see the gift of you...you have so much to offer.

A life in recovery is very empowering.

Leave your own footprints in the sand.

Most of all, be true to yourself...Everything else will fall into place.

Believe in Yourself!

Motivate Yourself!

Trust in Yourself!

Love Yourself As Much As Everyone Else Loves You!

Positive Thought For The Day - 11/10/2015 @ 9:30 PM

Daily Reflection Group Share

Positive - Inspiring words from others in recovery that are here in treatment wanting and  fighting to live a life in recovery

Grateful for - For the love and support of my family.

Inspiration - myself and my will to have a healthy life once again, physically and mentally.

When I Decided Enough Was Enough

11/10/2015 (Tuesday) @ 9:09 PM

In my heart, in my soul I know I am not an alcoholic.  And no, I am not in denial.  What I will accept and have accepted is that I am truly an abuser of alcohol.  I will also admit that if I did not go get the intensive help that I did when I did, more likely than not, I would have either been dead trying to kill myself with a mixture of alcohol and prescribed medication, or dead from alcohol poisoning within a week.  Which ever way, it was going to be one or the other because I had finally lost the will to live.

It didn't matter all the wonderful people and good things going on in my life.  Those people, my family, and true friends that supported me, and the positives were not as strong as the evil and demons I continuously suffered with everyday.

I did really try hard to work through the feelings I had with my trauma.  The flashbacks, nightmares, dissociate episodes quickly increased.  I was (and still am) participating in individual therapy, an intensive outpatient program,, and attempting to make at least, the minimum, my home group meetings on Tuesday and Saturday evenings.  This schedule worked well for me most of the time because I had opportunities to share what was going on in my head without feeling I was being judged.  It just wasn't enough.

Anytime I was out driving, I would play the "bingo slingo" game my daughters came up with.  Because the site of white work truck vehicles triggers me and I immediately get flooded with flashbacks, playing the game would distract me for the majority of the time, especially when I consciously would begin the game immediately once I stepped out the door.  If I was with Spencer and/or with both or with one of the girls, the game was exciting.  By myself, it was a matter of simply being able to drive to work, school, and any errands needing to be done for the family.

I was afraid to go out.  If there was a reason I needed to leave that wasn't planned, my anxiety quickly increased.

Before this craziness happened, I considered myself to be very energetic, active, involved, focused, and clear minded.  I absolutely loved being in the community and schools volunteering my time and contributing positively.  Unfortunately as the craziness progressed, encounters increased and became more violent, I lost that energy, that sense of self, sense of confidence, sense of feeling accomplished.

Most of the time I felt like I was in a movie, playing a character with a story line that was very much fictional and created by a person who was very demented in the mind.  What was happening was and felt to unreal to be or have any truth, even the smallest truth.

For the majority of the months, especially as it kept going on, lying in my own bed became a trigger.  Laying in my bed was only tolerable if Spencer held me tight as I wrapped my legs intertwined in his.  A position that kept me feeling safe, loved, and secure.  Nothing bad would happen to me because even the slightest move would wake Spencer up, even the slightest whimper.

My discomfort would increase as time passed.  As the flashbacks and nightmares increased, unless I had alcohol in my system, sleeping in my bed was just too much for me to handle.  Spencer would tell me that I would sleep all night, and if I took my prescribed medication, within a few minutes I would be fast asleep.  The problem I was having is that I would wake up throughout the night startled by  the images buried in my head of past encounters.  I would remember jumping up sitting up in my bed, refusing to leave the bed.  I would sometimes just re-wrap myself and intertwine my legs around Spencer's holding him tight while attempting to wake him enough so he would hold me tight again.

There came a point when I felt more safe, not as dirty sleeping in the living room on the couch.  Always fully clothed.  Most nights Spencer would sleep downstairs with me.  In the beginning of me sleeping on the couch, Spencer would always do the same, without asking.  Many nights I would remove the pillows and lye next to him.  Sometimes sleep on top of him, in the same position my kids would fall asleep on us when they were little.  He never ever complained.  If his legs or arms would fall asleep, I would hear him moan in pain.  I would try to move, but he would just hold me tighter.  I am not sure when he decided, but I felt like he would continue allowing me to do this until I was ready to sleep in our bed.

Intimacy declined.  Not because I didn't want to have any, more because of the shame.  How dare I be intimate when I was secretly allowing a stranger to take from me what was so sacred and only should have been for my love.  My temple was no longer mine.  When Spencer did find out what was going on, the guilt, the shame was unbearable.  It seemed like he wanted to love me and hold me tighter even more, even longer.

Because of Spencer's bouts with gout he needed to sleep in the bed so that he was more comfortable and able to stretch.  I continued to sleep on the couch.  Every once in a while he would ask me if he was a trigger, or if having sex was a trigger.  He couldn't understand why I could not sleep in our bed.  I just couldn't explain to him, especially those times when he had thought it stopped.  I had gotten to the point when it was going on that I would no longer resist.  I was tired of the threats, increased roughness, physical abuse, blackmail, and just being afraid what would happen the next time.  With all my heart, I loved Spencer and have never stopped loving him.  Spencer was and is my best friend.  No matter anything that happened, no matter how upset he has gotten with me, he has always supported me, loved me and protected me.  As much as their was all this shame, guilt, and regrets, it was a pain deep within my soul for the fat that another man continuously violated me.

I still sleep on the couch fully clothed.  I often ask Spencer to sleep downstairs with me in the living room. Without hesitation, he does.  Sleeping in the bed makes me feel so dirty.  In our bedroom I can hear every possible noise there can be in our neighborhood.  Cars driving by, doors opening and slamming shut, dogs barking, and the train, from the center of town.  Every noise as clear as day, almost as if I had bionic ears.  Downstairs in the living room, on the couch, I feel safer.  Not as dirty.  I still am not sure why at this point.   I keep the television on all night.  the sounds from outside are drowned out by the television.  For the most part, sleep was, always is interrupted by vivid nightmares.

Alcohol from the beginning allowed me to become numb, to escape, to not have to deal with how horrible I felt, how dirty and disgusting I felt.  I never had much tolerance to alcohol.  I was/am what is considered a light weight.

During and being out in public causes me a lot of anxiety.  Any white work vehicle would seem to bring on flashbacks very quickly.  Once they start, they seem to take over.  The times I had a busy schedule after work I would just have to sit with it and deal.  I would act like everything was fine, keep a smile on my face, but inside I was in so much pain.  By the time I was in a full blown panic I would feel as if I was watching myself going through the motions, but not really there.  There would be times I would not remember going to the ABC store.  When I would arrive home, it was almost as if I was on auto-play.  I would do my Mom stuff, but most of the time, detached emotionally.  Not the Mom I had always been in the past.  If I had homework, I would be distracted by the flashbacks.  It would be hard to focus.  By the time I would get to the point I couldn't keep it together and tears would flood my eyes, I just would want the pain to go away.  Even awake I could feel him on top of me, inside of me, smell his breath and feel it on me.  And the words he would say to me would burn my ears.  I would start itching all over and no matter how much I scratched, I couldn't stop.  After many cigarettes I would give in and gulp down drinks knowing I would pass out soon enough.

My life was out of control.  I felt like I was in a movie, a horror film that would never end, only get worse every day with no ending in sight.  No where was safe anymore.  Not my job, not stores, no my van, not even my home.  All these spaces had been violated, all tainted.  I was not safe anywhere.  My life was being controlled by this crazy man whom I had no idea of his identity.  I never knew when he was near, or when he was watching.

I never knew what to believe.  Whenever I "submitted" to his every demand, the next time was worse than the previous.  The forced alcoholic drinks mixed with that strange white powdery substance became stronger each time after.  When he showed me the gun and made me hold it while screwing me and threatening me and my husband (what he would do to him), I gave u.  I believed everything he said while at the same time not trusting him.  I got to the point where I decided it was better  to be drugged so I could not remember because that was better than reliving those encounters with the vivid flashbacks. 

From February of 2014 until the Saturday before entering treatment, I attempted to take my life close to twenty times.  From about late April until October 21st of this year, I had three attempts with truthfully more by trying to drink myself to death.  I was tired of self-medicating, but I didn't know what else to do while trying to put on a mask and try to act like everything was okay.  I started to isolate more and I only felt safe in my house, on my couch with all my clothes on.  Getting out of bed and eating was becoming a chore and nearly impossible.  There was and still is no sense of closure.  He is this man unknown who appears when he chooses.  I am always waiting and  wondering if and when he will appear and make good on his promise.  Enough became enough when living no longer seemed like an option anymore.

Now I am working to take back control of my life without numbing or escaping.  Unfortunately, I have lost my sense of self and truly believing I am okay and able to continue my work to take back my life...I do not feel strong enough just yet.  But, and yes I said but...I am working on it. Not day by day, but hour by hour...and many times minute by minute.  Small steps, small steps.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

She didn't realize it, but the moment I left the womb, she carried me for those nine plus months, I was looking for her.

My senses were in full motion.

I already knew what she sounded like, what she smelled like, what she felt like.

I was waiting for that special moment to gaze into the eyes of that woman of purity.

I wanted to finally see the woman that gave me life, nurtured my every need and spoke to me from the heart, all day, everyday.

I wanted to finally feel the warm tender arms of that woman whose womb of love, strength, and nurture warmed for those nine plus months.

I was ready to smell her breath onto me as she whispered words of love while counting my tiny fingers and toes and making sure I was perfect.

Perfect in her eyes.  The way God made me according to his perfection, just for her.

As tears of joy flowed from her eyelids, down her cheeks onto mine, the sweet smell of the breast milk turned my tiny mouth towards her breast to bring more bonding time.

Of course it is when we become older that we understand how strong the bond between mother and child is.

Especially when we become mother's ourselves.

The many times I watched you put your needs before your own.

Never truly appreciated it like I do now.  But I believe I remember all of it.  I know I remember all of it.

Working where were went to childcare so you could have as much time with us as possible. 

Working third shift because it was more important to put us on the bus and be there when we got off the bus.

Let's not forget...also, so you were home with me after kindergarten half day.

And, making sure I ate lunch before nap time, even though you were tired and only had a few more hours to rest before going back to work.

I can't remember you ever missing a parent/teacher conference or back to school night.

School performances, you were always there.

I have pictures to prove it!

We can't forget the thousand and thousand of hours you volunteered all of your free time as a Girl Scout leader.

Yes, you helped hundreds of young girls AND their families.

But more importantly, you started because you wanted me to feel like I belonged.

You wanted to make sure I had experiences to last a lifetime.  

Your love for me gratefully spread to help so many others.

My experiences because of you brought me many endless and wonderful opportunities.

Your love for me broke your heart sometimes.

But your love for me never changed.

You may never tell me, but that is okay because I am now a mother myself...and I know!

Many nights you tossed and turned wondering, worrying, and praying that God's protection would be enough.

I tell you today, it was and always will be!

Those nights you worried, those times you put your children's needs before yours, those times you wondered if you did everything you could have done as a parent for us, I can assure you of this...God never sleeps during our storms.  Whether we are in a storm or simply resting, He is not sleeping!

Today is your birthday. 

For these wonderful 60 years you have graced us with your presence and your love, you have truly tilled, plowed, and sowed your garden with the seeds you have been blessed with.

While I thank you for being a loving, passionate, hard-working, dedicated, and inspirational mother AND father to us, I thank God for choosing you to be our mother!

Enjoy the many blessings and treasures you are meant to receive!

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!

(3) Long Term Personal Goals

11/10/2015 (Tuesday) @ 6:12 PM

Financial Security:

• Smaller house
• Lower Mortgage
• (6) months minimum savings
• Planned family and couple vacations 1/year
• Job security
• Retirement planning

Masters Degree

Preparation for 25th Wedding Anniversary Celebration

When She Entered My Life

11/10/2015 (Tuesday) @ 2:47 PM

She saw me, just sitting on the bench in my own world.

She must have seen that I just needed some reassurance that I was not invisible, or...

She was just that type of person.  Loving, caring, intuitive, and one with the ability to feel when someone just needed a supportive hello and a welcoming smile.

For me, she was what I needed at that moment, one of God's Angels sent to me, just for me, at that very moment.

Still a little bit scared, timid...if ever I can call myself that, she appeared before me the next day, once again.

Immediately, I let my guard down.  Shoulders relaxed very much, intrigued to what I was witnessing.

This beautiful Angel sent by God just for me had her yarn out, crocheting with a rhythm and grace that made the light shine directly on her.

Again, a message just for me that this beautiful woman was highly favored.

I kept my eyes on her, every hand movement, watching in awe the gift she was given.

She must have seen through the corner of her eyes, but I would like to believe she felt me zoning in on her, only her, because she looked up and smiled at me.

I knew what she was doing of course, but I asked anyway,  "Are you crocheting?"  She answered me yes.  She was making what I clearly saw was to be a beautiful scarf...in one of my favorite colors.  I responded, "I crochet also...I brought my stuff with me!"

I am not sure what it was about this beautiful child of God, but in my heart, in my soul, she immediately was adopted as my sister.

Whether she wanted to be or not.

Over the next few days I would watch as she moved within these walls with this confidence and energy that was contagious.  Where ever and whenever she was present, she greeted everyone with that beautiful smile that made you feel warm and loved.

When she spoke, her words flowed through the room and even tired, sick, lonely, she made you want to look at her, in her eyes, and listed to those words of wisdom that put a little bit of hope and encouragement that was needed to get you to want to hear more and  participate more.

Whether or not she wanted to be or not...I wasn't going to ask her, but she was now my sister...my sister for life.

These are not words of goodbyes or sadness.  These words are those of thankfulness, gratefulness, and I will see you soon, we will speak soon.

Whether you were aware or not, your words comfort me.

Your daily hugs was a reminder that I am loved and capable of being loved.

When you speak with me, you do not speak to me.

You open your heart to me, ask me how I am doing, and even when I am not, you call my bullshit and tell me you are there for me.

When you see the pain on my face, in my eyes, you come close to me, stay by my side, silently telling me you are there for me.

That smile.  Damn, that smile!  You brighten up every room, and when the days are rainy and dreary, your smile is my sun.

Thank you for entering my life.  I am grateful that God sent an Angel to me, just for me when I needed it.

Yes, you are my Angel.  That's right, you are mine, all mine, and I really don't want to share you with anyone else.

I have to though.

You definitely have a purpose.  Even if you do not know what that purpose is at this very moment, know this...

You, Ms. Nina, my sister Nina...You have touched so many lives during your stay here.

Yes, you have a gift with those beautiful hands of yours.

Please do me a favor my dear sister Nina...

Take care of yourself as much as you take care of everyone else around you.

Love yourself as much as you love everyone else around you.

Look in the mirror everyday and tell the young Nina and the Nina today that they are loved and are worthy of being loved!

Then name all the things you are grateful for that day with the first one being, "I am grateful for another day of sobriety!"

My dear sister Nina, you are a force to be reckoned with!  Strong, positive, smart, beautiful, gifted, talented, loving, compassionate, lovable...my dear sister Nina!

An Angel sent by God to enter into my life at the very moment you did.

You got this girl!

I love you very much and you are always with me, near or far.

An Angel send my God, just for me, just for me!

Bettering Myself For the Greater Me

11/10/2015 (Tuesday) @ 10:50 AM

There are some parts in my life that I am certain I can work on in order to better myself for the greater me.  There are a lot of things I can do, and need to do to help myself feel better about myself and live a healthy positive life.

During our 6 pm group last night we worked on a lifestyle balance pie which represents important factors in my life.  I am happy to say that I am very satisfied with family support, personal growth, school, and my sobriety.  This is not at all to say I do not need to continue to work on these areas to continue to improve them, but today, right now, these are areas in my life that I use to uplift me and provide additional motivation for me to get better and feel better.

Areas I definitely need to focus and approve in my life include:  safety,  mental health, work, and family financials.  So, ways to move forward to a more balanced lifestyle, I need to evaluate and brainstorm ways to do this:

Safety:

With the trauma I have dealt with in my past, especially the last one, safety is a huge concern of mine for myself and my family.  I have been told by my therapist at home and at my treatment program that I have to take my power back and slowly put myself back out in the "real" world to feel safe again.  I want to be and feel normal outside and inside my own skin first.  I want to feel okay sleeping in my own bed instead of asking my husband to come down to the living room and sleeping on the other couch.  I don't want to go to bed and  sleep in my clothes instead of my pajamas.  I want to feel safe walking around my neighborhood to exercise without being afraid that he will just appear and keep his promise and take me to be a sex slave to anyone he chooses.  I want to feel safe going out in the public without "checking" the area to see where he can hide out in an area and surprise me like he has done in the past.  I want to feel safe going into different areas and not feel afraid that I am going to run into him again.  I want to enjoy taking my firls to the mall with just family or with their friends and enjoy them just having fun and being silly and innocent teenagers.  I don't want to fear my safety anymore.

My counselor in treatment has highly recommended us as a family getting a dog.  He says that medium to larger size dogs are good in helping reduce fear, increase a sense of safety, and naturally bring families closer.

Ultimately, I want to get back to enjoying life and having a sense of true safety.

Mental Health:

For the longest time I have been focused on bettering my mental health.  I know that being healthy is more than having and being physically healthy.  My mental health is paramount when it comes to trying to live a productive and fulfilled life.  Focusing on my mental health means that I am 100% present and 100% participating in finding healthy ways to deal with my flashbacks, nightmares, dissociate episodes, anxiety, and depression in ways that will allow me to work through different times in my life when they come up.

I have years working on meditation, deep breathing, grounding, self-soothing, and mindfulness techniques.  I know these work.  I have practiced them, just not as much as I should in the last almost two years.

What I do know now is that I am going to practice these healthy techniques, especially when faced with difficult and stressful situations so that I no longer self medicate in order to numb myself, escape, or hide.  To get myself to deal with this stuff, I have to learn to work through, accept, and welcome my feelings, and know that feelings can never kill me, but not feeling them will and can because more than likely, pushing those feelings down, they will not stay buried deep down in my soul.  My pain, my past, my feelings will rise until addressed.  I just need to do, feel safe about dealing with them, and be okay with feeling my feelings.

Feelings never killed anyone!

Work:

Work - a lot more simple than safety and mental health.  I did have an okay job.  I enjoyed what I did, but definitely did not feel I was compensated like should have been.  Nevertheless, not having a job has taken away my excuse for getting myself help and working through my "shit."  So, that IS a positive.  When I am ready and able, I will return to work.  I will be in a better place, more confident and self-assured that the job is good to help financially support my family.  However, I am also a person that will be able to contribute to the job therefore I AM an asset to the job.

Family Financials:

I believe our family financials will get better.  We might have to work on a budget and minimize cost with some things, but it is do-able.  And of course, obtaining employment will help out a lot.

A Restless Mind

11/09/2015 (Monday) @ 3:37 PM

I spoke with my counselor about what I thought was going on in my head this afternoon.  At least I tried to.  The thoughts in my head are unbearable to deal with.  Intellectually I realize my thinking is all screwed up and that there is a lot of self-blame going on, but I truly don't understand how I cannot take responsibility for allowing what happened to happen.

I have a loving, supporting, and trusting husband who has always had my back not matter what the situation.  Anything to do with the kids and myself...he is on automatic, King of the Kingdom!

I cannot accept that I let some man, some stranger take control of my life in the manner that he did for so long.  I consider myself for the most part to be confident, strong, head-strong, and a fighter.  All of that seemed to disappear when this monster entered my life.

I constantly hear all of the threats in my head flooding my every thoughts.  I try to contradict them with positive affirmations, but when I am overwhelmed with them, they win.

My mind is restless.  I have lots of questions, doubts, self-blame, shame, embarrassment, guild, and much more.  I realize I have to get to the point of no longer blaming myself and back to loving myself, and forgiving myself.

Numbness & Flatness

11/09/2015 (Monday) @ 12:28 PM

For the last two days I have had this constant numbness and flatness feeling.  My spirit feels empty, scared, and confused at the same time.  I know, how the hell is that possible?  Very easy.  At the very edge of my heart and soul is the pain and agony of this last trauma trying to get out, looking for that one opening to escape and release.  But why won't it come out?  There is the build up of pain and it feels I am on the verge of breaking down all of the time.

I want to get better.  I  want to feel safe, not just in my environment, but within my own skin.  I know it will take time and that it is a process.  I just don't know how much time I have.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for.   I have people that love me very much and support me.  I just wish I had as much love for myself as they do for me.

I keep being told that I have to stop playing the self-blame game.  Unfortunately, it is not a game to me.  I have to take responsibility of my actions and face the face that the choices I made had consequences.  From the very first time, all the way to this last situation.  This shit does not happen as many times as it has for me and I not accept the facts for what they are and that I had played as much of a role as I did.

I totally fucking hate myself right now.  I can't forgive myself and the pain I have put my family through should not be forgiven!!

Times I Have Felt Empowered

11/09/2015 (Monday) @ 8:10 AM

When I really sit down and think about all the times I have felt empowered in my life I must admit there has been plenty of times.  For that I am grateful.

Those moments when I am feeling down on myself and struggling to see and remember all the positives and things I should be grateful for, I need to stop and read this list to myself and remind myself that there are more good times than bad.

- All the times I was in the newspaper growing up for accomplishments in school, community, and Girl Scouts

-  Participation in a commercial, front and center reciting the Preamble to the Constitution in my Girl Scout uniform

-  Participating in a movie which I cannot remember to save my life, but remember every minute of 

- Earning my Girl Scout Silver Award, the 2nd highest award in Girl Scouts

- Being chosen to attend the Girl Scouts 75th Anniversary celebration in Washington DC and meeting 1st lady Nancy Reagan

- Being active in school politics up to the Board of Education meetings and forming a relationship with Superintendent of Schools and speaking on issues as it affected the community and students

- Being chosen to attend a National Girl Scout Wider Opportunity for (2) weeks in California

- Deciding to graduate high school in (3) years by doubling up my junior and senior year, graduating with my regents diploma, and walking the stage BEFORE my brother because my first name came before his

- Getting accepted into (13) of the (14) colleges and universities I applied to...and VERY GOOD schools

- Earning my Gold Award, the highest award in Girls Scouts

- Being chosen 1/8 Girls Scouts in the United States to attend an International Wider Opportunity for primitive hiking and camping in Sweden for (3) weeks and Chicago for (1) week of orientation in Chicago

- Attending a private University and being the youngest student on campus and most people thinking I was a graduate student

- Having my oldest child, my son Michael Warren

- Marrying the love of my life, my protector, my Knight & Shining Armor, Spencer

- Having my oldest daughter, Tracie Olivia

- Having my youngest daughter and child, Morgan Sabrina

- Buying my first home with my husband and moving down to North Carolina to make a new life with my immediate family

- All of my community and school activism in NY and NC and making positive change for the children and community

- All of the time I have asked for help to deal with my trauma or mental health in order to get better

Positive Thought For The Day - 11/04/2015 @ 9:30 PM

Daily Reflection Group Share

Positive - I am finding ways to make this treatment stay work for me so I leave here in a better place than I was when I came here.

Grateful for - My family and the people that have come into my life...because everyone that comes into my life serves a purpose with a lesson.

Inspiration - myself and my family.

Recovering Me & My Inner Self

11/04/2015 (Wednesday) @ 6:09 PM

RECOVERING PERSON

PURPOSE

To get back to the productive Michelle I was before the trauma and self medicating.  Even better, get to be a better me that is confident and secure with me as a person.

VALUES

Honesty * Integrity * Compassion * Forgiveness * Acceptance * Tolerance * Sobriety * 

Self-worth * FAMILY

VISION

Get to a place in my life where I can look at the person and truly love and accept the person I am looking at in the mirror and be the best Mom and Wife my family remembers and is proud of.

MOTIVATIONS

The will to live.  Husband.  Children.  Everyone else that loves and supports me.  Most importantly and number one, MYSELF.

GOALS

Find self-soothing, mindfulness, and grounding techniques that will help me work through my trauma and recovery.

BELIEFS

I am worthy to have a healthy and loving life style.

INNER-SELF

PURPOSE

I have a purpose in life.  That person is one that was put on this Earth to leave my own footprints in the sand that fosters positive change within myself and others.

VALUES

Any positive attributes that enables me to consistently grow and make positive changes within myself and others.  Also, my family unity and support.

VISION

Find a way to help others that have suffered trauma in their lives and assist them with opportunities to process their trauma and learn they have the power and are worthy of a healthy life, mentally and physically.  I want to give back.

MOTIVATIONS

MYSELF, husband, children, all those that I have come in contact with that have inspired me through their stores and their will to fight and take positive control of their lives.

GOALS

Increase awareness and find ways to increase support networks for those that have suffered trauma.

BELIEFS

I am worthy of a second chance!

The Who vs. The Do

11/03/2015 (Tuesday) @ 6:21 PM

The Do:

• Mother
• Wife
• Daughter
• Sister
• Niece
• Aunt
• Student
• Employee
• Volunteer
• Role-Model
• Activist
• Abuser of Alcohol

The Who:

• Resilient
• Kind
• Ambitious
• Fighter
• Humble
• Caring
• Loving
• Encourager
• Loyal
• Dedicated
• Honest
• Genuine
• Honorable
• Grateful
• Empathetic
• Strong
• Reliable
• Responsible
• Organized
• Studious
• Courageous
• Sympathetic
• Spiritual
• Purposeful
• Tolerant
• Generous
• Patient
• Open-minded
• Compassionate