Double Panic Attack Plus

11/02/2015 (Monday) @ 9:30 AM

Last week I experienced two panic attacks within 10-15 minutes of each other.  About less than two hours later I felt a third one trying to work itself come on.

The pain I felt was unbearable.  Though I have never experienced a heart attack, I thought I would die.  I have experienced panic attacks in the past, even have woken up from them.  Just never so close together.

While I am here in treatment, on e of the main goals is to learn to feel and work through my emotions without the ability to get access to alcohol to numb myself, escape, and pass out so I can sleep.  The emotions become to unbearable for me and many times I am not able to ground myself.  Once they start they don't stop, but once I wake up I feel much better.  This is how I am able to deal with my recent trauma.  Very unhealthy and very dangerous.

So, in an effort to learn my triggers and learn how to work through my emotions with either grounding, self-soothing, or mindfulness techniques, my counselor asked me to write about this experience.

So, the day before the attacks, I woke up early as normal,  The difference, on this day was, I was numb, and feeling very flat.  I remember during home group, when asked how I was feeling, I didn't feel much emotion.  I had racing thoughts and flashbacks coming at me non-stop like an eighteen wheeler coming straight in my direction with no plans of stopping.  In my head I was dealing.  I went through the day, participated in all my groups, stayed connected with wonderful people in the community, and truly and honestly thought I was handling it.

During the day I was also questioning whether or not I was an alcohol abuser or an alcoholic.  I honestly felt and still feel I am not an alcoholic and I don't think, actually, I know I am not in denial.  I do believe there is a significant difference.  With that said, I know I know that I have ca problem with alcohol, I use it to numb myself, escape, and for the sole purpose of being able to pass out so the vivid memories can stop.  For 99% of the time it works just for that.  When I wake up I feel more at peace and in a safe place.

Anyway, I had decided early in the day I would bring up my self questioning as to my thinking during AA.  I was very interested in what others thought.  Of course I brought up the topic.  I felt that I had an open mind and was willing to hear and take it all in.  What a damn mistake that was.  I felt like the guests that came were so set in their ways about anything to do with anyone that was a patient here. What I hard them say to me was:

• If you are here, year in denial
• You are an alcoholic and unless you come to grips you will relapse
• So what you had trauma, a lot of people have, get over it and move on

After the meeting, actually during the meeting I had wished I had never shared.  I felt even worse.  I felt misunderstood and rejected.  I just wanted to crawl back in my hole and runaway.  But I knew that was not what was healthy for me.  I need to sit with those feelings, take them in, and work through them.  No matter how bad I felt. 

Interesting and grateful enough, after the meeting I spoke with two other young ladies more about my experience(s) and my relationship with alcohol and why I did not feel I was in denial about whether I was an alcoholic or not.  I was great conversation with lots of emotions.  They seemed to understand me and my situation much better.  One told me it was and will be part of my treatment and recovery to make that decision for myself, not anyone else.  It was a moving and heartfelt, intimate conversation.

The rest of my evening was much better.  I still had uneasy feelings, but very manageable.  The next morning I would see the AA leader from the night before and her first words to me would be "you were long-winded last night!"  Immediately my heart sunk and my thoughts were full of negativity of myself.  Just really depressing and disheartening.

The comment just added more anxiety for me.  Negative thoughts and flashbacks started flooding me strongly.

The rest of the day would consist of two panic attacks within less than fifteen minutes apart and then another one that I was able to keep from coming on with the help of a few other community members helping me to ground myself.