Numbness & Flatness

11/09/2015 (Monday) @ 12:28 PM

For the last two days I have had this constant numbness and flatness feeling.  My spirit feels empty, scared, and confused at the same time.  I know, how the hell is that possible?  Very easy.  At the very edge of my heart and soul is the pain and agony of this last trauma trying to get out, looking for that one opening to escape and release.  But why won't it come out?  There is the build up of pain and it feels I am on the verge of breaking down all of the time.

I want to get better.  I  want to feel safe, not just in my environment, but within my own skin.  I know it will take time and that it is a process.  I just don't know how much time I have.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for.   I have people that love me very much and support me.  I just wish I had as much love for myself as they do for me.

I keep being told that I have to stop playing the self-blame game.  Unfortunately, it is not a game to me.  I have to take responsibility of my actions and face the face that the choices I made had consequences.  From the very first time, all the way to this last situation.  This shit does not happen as many times as it has for me and I not accept the facts for what they are and that I had played as much of a role as I did.

I totally fucking hate myself right now.  I can't forgive myself and the pain I have put my family through should not be forgiven!!