We Are Not In Authority To Judge!

Do we forget our own story that brought us to our breaking point?
Do we forget the pain we felt?
You know, our pain or spiritual and mental anguish and breakdown?
We so bad wanted people to stop judging us, we definitely were professionals at judging ourselves.

But we do forget.
We all are imperfect beings.
We have unfortunately been on both sides, judging others or being judged.

I am angry!
I am hurt!
I am disappointed and discouraged!
My wall is up, again.
Cemented deep down in the ground, determined to keep it up for good this time.

My facade to the world is that I am strong, I am courageous, strong-willed, a fighter.
Always in position for battle, determined to be a fierce warrior that clearly wears proudly, "don't fuck with me, I am not the one!"  "please, try me, please give me a reason!"
I am trying real hard to keep from having to show you my definition of "ghetto professional."
Trust and believe, that side has no problem showing itself!
Please, don't judge!

Truth be told...
I am afraid.
I fear for my safety.
I fear for my life.

I hold on with my faith.
I hold onto the love and support of my husband, children, family, and friends.

I am not delusional.
I am not in denial.
The problem, which is clearly yours, not mine; you don't know my story, my testimony.
You don't care to know.
And that is perfectly fine with me.
So, do not sit in judgment, you have no right if you are not compassionate to get to know me and my testimony.
I will be a better person with you not in my circle of serenity.
Just do not judge me!

Keep your snickering, comments, and opinions of me out your mouth.
Disrespectful, immature, and...how old are you again?
Sorry, had to add that question, to bring laughter and a smile to my current anger and frustration.

However, maybe something for your think about...
Is your need to judge and shame me because there is something you see in me that you would like to embody?
It might be what I call me façade, but something you obviously see that you want...
Something you might want to reflect on...sleep on.

I call it my façade.
On my good days, I do feel strong, empowered, strong-willed, and courageous.
Along with living each day remembering to be grateful, I aim to be all those "facades" AND compassionate, inspirational, and motivational.
I work hard to not sit in judgment.
Sometimes I fail at this and I work hard to make amends.

Each of us have our own story.  Our own testimony.
Each of us are on our own paths.
Some of us get to our destination quicker than others.
That is okay.
For me, this is a season, preparing me for my next one.

I do not have the same story as yours.
I do have compassion for you and others.
Your story, your testimony, your transformation; it all inspires me.  It gives me hope, pushes me to fight harder.
I thank you!

Your judgment is hurtful and painful to me.
Please think about that the next time you feel the need to do so.
That one person you might judge in the future, and they are witness to it or overhear you, it can be damaging.
Unfortunately for those in their weakness, it can be deadly.
Don't judge!

My faith keeps me in a good place.
I thank my God for that ability to continue to have faith.
Please, don't judge me!

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/18/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/18/2016

#Positive - Celebrated 19 years of marriage to a dedicated husband and father.
#Blessed #Marriage #Dedication #Loyalty #SpencerAndMichelle #19YearsAndCounting #Journey #Family #Support #Strength

#Inspiration - Watching how others are allowing God to work in their lives and even when they have felt lost, and have lost faith, they keep moving forward and believing.

#Season #Testimony #Purpose #Faith

#Grateful - For family, especially my husband.  He has been through so much with me and has always stayed by my side no matter what!  That is a blessing and I hope and pray he truly knows how much I appreciate him and love him for it!

#TrueLove  #Appreciation

A Love Letter To My Husband: Happy 19th Year Wedding Anniversary

I remember that early morning as if it was yesterday.

The words you whispered in my ears still burn like candle wax on my skin.

Not enough to burn, but enough to make me take note and feel wax melt onto my skin.

Enough to feel the message that so needed to be heard, so needed to be answered.

That morning, what seemed so long ago I turned my body towards you, wrapped my arms around your neck, and looked you into your eyes with tears falling down my cheeks and told you that I was afraid.  I told you I didn't know if I had it in me to fight anymore.

As I turned my body away, you took my body and wrapped me within yours, holding me tightly.

You laid your chin in my neck and whispered to me;

"You know I love you, right?"

"We will do whatever we have to do so you can get better!"

"Me and the kids will be fine, we will have to be!"

"I want my wife back!"

"I don't want a shell, I want Michelle back!"

Only people that understand and respect true love could appreciate what those words meant to me.

Time after time, twenty-one years of commitment to each other, nineteen years of marriage, and three beautiful children, you have proved yourself to be the essence of a man of God, and a man of honor, over and over again!

We have had many trials and tribulations throughout our years, yet we have always come through them stronger and wiser.

When I have needed strength, encouragement, and support, you have been front and center.  You have been my number one cheerleader.  Always the quietest, but truly the loudest in spirit.

The biggest gift you have given me these twenty-one years is our three beautiful children.

Actually, that is a lie!  That is the second biggest gift!  The first is your love as their father!

We are truly blessed that you have shown them through love what a Daddy is.

You are a provider, hardworking, tough, supporting, and loving.

You have this relationship with each of the kids that I enjoy watching.

My children are lucky to have a loving Daddy in their lives and I am truly grateful that we together gave them life!

Lastly, I thank God for making you just for me.

He knew exactly what He was doing when He placed us in each other's paths.  We are on a journey right now that might seem difficult, painful, and most of the time impossible with no end at sight.  Please, know this.  Just like you always have had me, just like you have have me, always my knight and shining armor, I also got you!  We got us!  We are nineteen years strong as a married united couple and I love you for life.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he designed you.  He designed you just for me.  You are my anchor.  You are the anchor of our ship, our household.  You, along with my God hold the key to my heart, to my soul and I hold the key to yours, and together we will continue to see the beauty within each other and experience the rest of our lives together the way we are meant to.

HAPPY 19TH YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY LOVE!

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/16/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/16/2016

#Positive - Decided to move a muscle, change a thought.  Remembered what I was told yesterday about behavior that was not healthy for me and actually listened and was/have been productive so far today.

#MoveAMuscleChangeAThought #Focus #Mindfulness #Meditation #Spirituality #Prayer

#Inspiration - Reading past journal and blog writing pieces.  Reflecting about where I was mentally and spiritually, where I am today and the progress I am making everyday.

#ProgressNotPerfection #Journaling #Blogging #SelfReflection

#Grateful - For family.  For strength to continue moving forward, staying positive, and having the will to work through my pain because I know that this is only a season that is preparing me for my next one.  I am being prepared  so I am stronger for my next season.  I have a purpose and my testimony is a part of it.  My job is to have faith! 

#Season #Testimony #Purpose #Journey #Family #Support #Strength #Faith

Releasing Negative Energy

Identifying and feeling emotions are scary.

Not all the time, but sometimes.  Especially when they are negative emotions.

When we experience positive emotions we are quick to share with others without any care if anyone else is concerned to hear, or excited to join in our celebration.

Negative emotions on the other hand are totally the opposite.  While we judge ourselves, we are already wondering if and how others will judge us.

Negative emotions that are directed towards self are the most damning.  They eat away at our insides and the emotions suck up all the positive energy that might be somewhere within, waiting for a chance to be released within the universe of our souls, hoping to have the ability to attach to any negative seeds, wiping out the diseased ones.

So, just as we are quick to share those positive emotions, we must share and release those negative seeds to take away the power of the negative energy.


“It would be easy to become a victim of our circumstances and continue feeling sad, scared or angry; or instead, we could choose to deal with injustice humanely and break the chains of negative thoughts and energies, and not let ourselves sink into it.” 

― Erin Gruwell, The Freedom Writers Diary

Good-Bye to Alcohol

Thursday, 07/09/2015

It is truly sad and unfortunate I have to say good-bye to alcohol.

I have enjoyed hanging out with family and friends and having a few drinks.  Sometimes dancing and reminiscing of fun, good, and fond memories.

Regardless, in order to protect myself from vivid memories, flashbacks, and the need to escape from those and the feelings of guilt, I have used alcohol to escape from it all.

Not all the time.  Sometimes days of no drinking.  Sometimes days of drinking.  All in order to escape.  

In order to continue my path to walk away from feeling like a victim and thinking like a victim and learn to live as a survivor by making healthy decisions, thinking positively about myself; it will only work if I say good-bye to the alcohol.

I have come to realize, even though I have known it for awhile, saying good-bye to alcohol will make my family happy.

They would rather see and hear me crying in fear and sadness without the added effects of alcohol then with the effects of the alcohol.

Alcohol is a depressant.  I am already suffering from severe depression and severe PTSD.  Intellectually I understand I cannot get better if I am not willing to work through the emotions and feel the emotions whether they are feelings of helplessness, fear, or guilt.

I must say good-bye to alcohol because going to sleep to escape is no longer an option.  I have people that are dependent on me.  I have too many things going for me in a positive direction.  I have too much more I want to accomplish. 

Not saying good-bye to alcohol will not allow me to become the survivor I long to be and know that I am capable of being.

Instead of drinking an alcoholic drink when hanging out, I will just enjoy another cool non-alcoholic drink and be mindful of the time I am sharing with ones I love.

Gratitude List - What I am Grateful For Today - 07/09/2015

Thursday, 07/09/2015

Today I am grateful for:

• my husband
• my children
• my sense of volunteering
• my work ethic
• my tenacity to survive
• for excellence and success
• my ambition
• my motivation for a happier, safer, and guilt-free life
• my love of writing that allows me to be self expressive and sometimes help others with my words
• my support system and those that pass no judgement
• not being successful and taking my life multiple times I attempted.

Dreams Shattered? Or A New Start?

Thursday, 05/14/2015

Today, May 14th I was supposed to be walking across the stage to receive my AA from SPCC.  This accomplishment would have been a well deserved, lots of work milestone that I had worked so hard to achieve.

I feel like I am about to explode.  Regardless of how I feel, I am going to put on my face and keep it moving.  I don't need to give any explanation on what is going on with me or the reason why I am feeling some kind of way.

I will say that the one thing I came into the hospital for was for the most part achieved.  I wanted to get away from using alcohol as a way to cope with the flashbacks, nightmares, or inability to sleep.  The medications they have me on are helping.  While my sleep is not 100% yet, last night's sleep was much better...so, I have some hope.

I have had hope during my stay at this hospital, but, nothing much has changed in regards to my situation.  All the same stressors are sill there.  It was not that I was expecting them to go away or get better by themselves.  I was just hoping to receive more direction and assistance.

So, I go home tomorrow, I have missed my graduation ceremony and not sure if I will be able to register for the summer.  NO MONEY!  I don't even know if the gas is back on at home, lights, or water are on...I have missed a week and a half of work.  NO WORK, NO PAY!

5 Fun Dates With Husband

Tuesday, 05/12/2015

Dress up, go to dinner, and then to the movie

Set-up a dinner/picnic basket and go watch a free concert on the lawn 

Cook a nice dinner with dessert together, just the two of us, empty house and watch a movie together

Go uptown and walk around one evening. Grab food at a hot dog cart and take in everything, holding hands and being mindful of each other and our surroundings.

Have a dinner planning date where we talk about our hopes, dreams of the future and really plan our goals to achieve them which includes a family vacation and renewal of our vows for our 20th wedding anniversary.

My Anxiety/Depression Level Scale

Monday, 05/11/2015

Signs of Triggers

• Excessive itching
• Racing Heartbeat
• Flashbacks - constant/can't stop them from coming
• I feel like I am about to explode - sense of overwhelming feelings
• Crying and not able to stop
• Shaking of legs
• Hypersensitive / Hypervigilant
• Irritability level increases

Coping Mechanisms

• Writing
• EMDR APP/CD
• Meditation
• Dancing
• Crochet
• Prayer

Supports

• Spencer
• Patsy
• Zina
• Tai
• Nellie

Anxiety Scale Level (1 - 10)

• Level 4:  Hitting crisis level - need to use coping skills
• Level 6:  Make support calls
• Level 7-8:  Take PRN

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/13/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/13/2016

#Positive - Over the last few days I have been having a very difficult time accepting where I am with my trauma therapy and the obstacles that I have encountered with financial difficulty due to having to make a choice to take care of myself and get healthier so I can return home a healthier, no longer full of fear and forgiving and faithful woman.  

All I can say is the opportunity to have a wonderful conversation with a person who is definitely doing God's work and is helping women (and men) like myself heal helped me regain some of the hope and faith I had started to lose.  I am truly blessed to be surrounded by those that support me and my journey and are working with me so that I can return home to my family and be the mother and wife they deserve!

#Faith #Gratitude #Love #Hope #Support #DivineIntervention

#Inspiration - Listening to another's testimony and watching him do God's work to help other's heal.  Even more powerful, knowing that he still questions whether he deserves to receive the treasures he has received but still have faith that he is doing what he was meant to do.

#Acceptance #DoingHisWork #Treasures #AbilityToReceive #GivingBack #Purpose

#Grateful - For a family that is always supportive.  Though we are struggling during this time financially, my family knows that it is imperative that I heal and do what I need to do to get healthier so I can return to them a better Michelle, happy, healthy, fearless, confident, and sense of self and safety.   Having a husband that reminds me that my job right now is to take care of myself, focus on my healing process so I can be stronger always stays with me in my mind when I begin to get homesick and want to give up.  He proves to me over and over why he is truly my knight and shining armour and was made and sent to me, just for me!

#KnightAndShiningArmour #TrueLove #MyFamilyRocks #MyHusbandAndKidsRock #MarriageCommittment

Words Of Inspiration: Book Project

Throughout the last six months I have been writing down a lot of words of inspiration.  From some of those I have often completed some writing pieces.  

I had the opportunity of meeting this women who happened to notice that I enjoyed making vision boards and writing.  She showed me this book of inspirational quotes she started about ten years ago.  She said she had this notebook with her and every time she would hear things that struck a cord with her, she would jot it down.  If she came across a picture or a quote in a magazine she would tape/glue it in the notebook.  She still keeps the notebook in her pocketbook.  Throughout the day she randomly opens it and without fail, the page she goes to always matches up with how she is feeling and/or is what she needed to read at that very moment.

I decided to take her idea and do the same.  I had already been writing down words of inspiration, why not have them in one place.  Why not use it as a grounding tool?  Why not use as a preventative tool?  Something to help keep my anxiety level down.  Anything that can or will work, I will do, I will try.  

There are so many beautiful things we hear from people all of the time and to capture it and not forget is a reward in itself.

I picked up a small 5x7 journal at a local store, cut out a few quotes from some magazines, glued down and covered with mod podge.  Keep in your bag, when you hear something, write it down (or cut it out and glue it to the page), add a thought to it, and date it!

Remembering To Be Grateful: PIG Journal Project

Many times we get into a place where it becomes easier to focus on everything negative going on in our lives.  We lose ourselves and let's face it, sometimes, it just feels good to bitch it out.  We want to yell, curse, blame, and get pissed off about anything and everything to make us feel better at that very moment.  

But let us really think about this.  Does it really make us feel good at the end of our rant?

For myself, if I give myself five minutes, it does feel good to let it off my chest.  Anymore than those five minutes, it only makes me more infuriated.  It only makes me more tense.  I can feel the anger build up in my body, overwhelming every part of my being.  My anger becomes toxic, and whatever that thing, that issue was that I was ranting about is now consuming my life and I am now becoming unproductive.

So, I started a practice that has become very beneficial to me.  I learned this through therapy.  Daily, I identify my PIG (POSITIVE - INSPIRATION - GRATEFUL).

This allows me to focus on something that is going well for me.  It makes me realize that there is ALWAYS something that is going well for me.  It allows me to get away from the negative thoughts in my head.  If there is negativity, it is my responsibility to turn it into a positive.  

The picture below is a notebook I picked up from a store and decorated the front.  The front are clips from magazines and newspapers taped and then covered with mod podge.  Each day I list a PIG.  I actually carry this with me so if there is ever a moment throughout the day when I am having a moment and need to be uplifted with positive energy, I can turn to a page and remember all I have to be grateful for.

Just a thought, give it a try, share with others. This is great to do for yourself, to make as a gift for someone (a child or friend), or do as a art project with a group (scouts, school, camp, etc.).

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/10/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/10/2016

#Positive - Woke up refreshed this morning after having a few rough few days.  Realizing that it is okay to need to rest my mind and body as long as I don't allow myself to stay down and wallow in self-pity.  It is a new day, time to celebrate the beauty of life and being alive!
#Happy #Gratitude #Love #Hope

#Inspiration - My life in general and reflecting on the people I have in it.  Knowing that I am loved and supported helps me stay focused and get re-focused when I start to lose hope.  This is what I need and when my anxiety starts to increase like it did on Friday, I was able to use those memories of my loved ones to help ground me.
#Grounding #Mindfulness #Focus #Support #Breathing

#Grateful - For the opportunity to have a place to continue my spiritual and mental growth and work on my healing of trauma and PTSD in a safe and loving therapeutic environment with trained professionals that care about my well-being. 

#TherapyWorks #Spirituality #PTSD #Trauma #Support #Love #MyFamilyRocks #MyHusbandAndKidsRock

#PIG (#Positive - #Inspiration - #Grateful) - 04/06/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/06/2016

#Positive - Completed a few projects that will contribute to my continued recovery work.  It is so exhilarating to complete something on your to-do list!
#Mindfulness #Grounding #Meditation #CopingSkills

#Inspiration - Through self-reflection, my growth over the past few months has inspired me to continue pushing forward, even when it becomes unbearable.  Knowing that I have survived and continue to battle the demons I have and am facing, makes me proud of myself.
#TherapyWorks #Strength #IAmOkay #Perseverance #Self-Reflection

 

 

#Grateful - Always for the love and support of my family!  #FamilyFirst #Support #Love #MyFamilyRocks #MyHusbandAndKidsRock

 

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/05/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/05/2016

#Positive - Waking up this morning and feeling the positive energy radiating throughout my body, ready to feel and do some releasing with some hard work.  Knowing deep down inside that when the flood dries full of my tears, I will still have puddles, but they will be puddles of inner-peace, inner-strength, and self-acceptance!
#InnerPeace #InnerStrength #SelfAcceptance

#Inspiration - Listening, being still and hearing His word through others.  Hearing testimonies of strength reassures me that I am okay!
#Listening #BeingStill #Strength #IAmOkay

#Grateful - For being alive and that He nor my family did not give up on me!
#ProgressNotPerfection #Support #Love

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/04/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/04/2016

#Positive - Hearing from two women...one that said they felt a connection with me after hearing some of my testimony and the other, being inspired by me, especially after hearing from someone they trust compliment me and believes in my motivation, dedication, and focus.  This definitely made me feel good inside and something I needed to hear at that very moment!
#Motivation #Transformation

#Inspiration - Watching and hearing young women who are motivated to recover from the pain they have endured and are willing to do whatever is necessary to take the steps to truly becoming a survivor and overcomer!
#Survivor #Overcomer

#Grateful - That I am grateful.  That I want to be transformed to a better Michelle.  That I am willing and able to become stronger through my testimony by working through the my pain.  I am using the pain within to help me knock down the mountains of hurt, resentment, anger, and sadness so I can see the beauty beyond and view all that is in my view of peace and serenity.
#Forgiveness #Release #Serenity #Peace #Hope

Act of Forgiveness: My God (Prayer) Box

When I first decided to start the process of forgiveness in my healing, I was more than a little bit excited.  In my heart, I truly believed that I had finally reached this important milestone in my therapy where I would be ready to work through my sadness, anger, frustrations, and resentments.  Now, quite a few days later, working through it has been harder than I thought it would be once I "thought I was ready!"

What I have figured out after having a wonderful weekend with my family is that my procrastination and inconsistent movement in this process since that excited feeling filled my every being has a lot to do with the fear of the feelings I will have to feel, reflect on, and process.  

When I watched my family drive away to return home I realized that I had to let those fears go.  I had been so homesick.  I have been bitter with the fact that I have endured so much pain that I had to leave my home to get the needed help so I can be a better and healthier Michelle.  FaceTime, text messages, and phone calls were not enough.  I wanted, I needed to see them in front of me.  I needed to feel them.  I needed to be able to wrap my arms around them, give them kisses, and smell the familiar scents of each of them I had so missed.

With my family visiting, it was more clearer to me that while I have made lots of progress up to this point, the countdown is here.  I want to go home.  I need to go home.  I have a life worthy of living and I have so many positive and meaningful things I want to pursue.  In order to get to that next step, I have to go in deep.

I have to really get open, get deep, get raw.  Yes, I already know this.  I have been doing a lot of the necessary things to heal, however, there is more work to be done.

To get my mind occupied while awaiting to make sure they arrived home safely, I decided to start moving forward on my forgiveness process by completing my "God (Prayer) Box."  I needed to move a muscle, change a thought.

For me, being aware that I needed to work on forgiveness, I had to remind myself that "awareness without action is meaningless."

I also had to remind myself that forgiveness is for me, not anyone else or to the person(s) I felt have wronged me.  Until I am able to forgive, I will continue to be unhealthy and sick...and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

My reasoning for having a "God (Prayer) Box" is so that I can put in writing those things I pray to God for, read them out loud and then place them in the box and have faith that my prayer(s) are being heard, and let it go.

I have to learn to put my prayers in God's hands because there are so many things that are out of my control.  When the time is right, my prayers will be answered.  Not my time, His time.  More importantly I need to remember that my prayers will not always be answered the way I want them to be, but the way they are meant to be answered.  

The path that I am traveling is one with a purpose, therefore if I am taken on a different path, I need to have faith and trust it is the road I was meant to take.

Around my "God (prayer) Box" are sets of (5)...we will call these "stones".  These represent my immediate family unit (including myself).  They are my rocks.  When I was too tired to fight for myself, they were there, breathing air into me until I was ready to breathe on my own.  In the front of the box are many "stones."  These represent my entire support system...these are the soldiers in my platoon, my life that continue to help me fight this battle regardless of the struggles of doing so.  In the center you will find the set of (5) again....the soldiers standing not just behind me, but my family unit.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done” 

-Philippians 4:6

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/03/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/03/2016

#Positive - Physically reconnecting with my family this weekend and having the ability to appreciate the conversations, laughs, and teenage talk I have longed to hear and see in person.
#FamilyFirst

#Inspiration - Knowing and being reassured that our sacrifice as a family is not in vain!  This journey will only make us stronger as a family unit.
#Faith #TimeHeals

#Grateful - That my family made the journey to see me and spend time with me, even if it is lots of traveling hours.  To hold them, kiss them and yes, smell their scents was medicine for my heart and soul!
#PrayersForSafeTravelHome

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/02/2016

#PIG (Positive - Inspiration - Grateful) - 04/02/2016

#Positive - Just watching and being with my husband and children for the first time in close to 4 months, #understanding and #appreciating what #TrueLove and #UnconditionalLove feels and looks like.  Watching my daughters paddle boarding and trying and trying until they could succeed to their own abilities.
#FamilyFirst  

#Inspiration - Knowing that regardless of the obstacles we as a #family are facing, my husband is willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it means facing some major losses, as long as the end result is that I get better and our family is #reunited with me #healther, #happier, feeling #safe, and #NoLongerAShellButABetterMichelle
#GodNeverGivesUsMoreThanWeCanHandle

#Grateful - #Grateful that I am able to be open to #receive #HIS #blessings and realize that yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here and I need to live in today and #embrace every moment in it.   #WeMustBeReadyToReceiveWhenItIsOurTime #HaveFaith #InHisTimeNotMine

The Rose In the Desert

Progress?

Do you not see what I see within myself?

Interesting, especially since the little bit I see has been difficult for me to acknowledge.

It has only been through others and what they have observed and shared with me that I know I have made progress.

Why can you not see what they see?

Why can you not see that I am trying?

Why can you not see all the effort I am putting forth?

Progress?

I only understand that my only job, my only focus can be working on progress in my trauma recovery.

For so long I have allowed my trauma to keep me a prisoner within my own mind.

A mind that had become poisoned by self-hate, self-pity, shame, and guilt.

I allowed for the anger that should have been aimed straight at the bull’s eye with his picture dead center to be aimed inward.

That person that suffered for so long had slowly been dying, withering away until she had become an empty shell.

A shell that would break with only a strong gusty wind rushing through the trees in the dense forest night.

Progress?

It had no longer become a choice.

With the taste of death at the tip of my tongue, the acid burned from the top of my throat, down the sides of my esophagus, to the pit of my stomach.

I had to make a choice.

I had to want to live more than others wanted me to.

I had to be willing to fight for my own life.

I had to believe I had a life worthy of living.

Progress?

I made the choice.

I made the choice to fight for freedom.

Freedom from the demons holding me hostage.

Hostage from experiencing happiness, inner-peace, serenity.

The tears had long ago dried up.

My body was a paradise island turned desert, thirsting for nutrients to being me back to life. 

In my journey to seek self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and understanding, I was guided on a path only set upon me by divine intervention.

If there was ever a time to be apprehensive, it was now.

Every turn I made, miracles were appearing before me.

In so much pain, my hand had to be forced to see what blessings were unfolding for me.

With deep open wounds still needing healing I needed to surrender and understand that the advice of professionals and those that loved me was the only way I would be able to survive.

My soul needed to be rehabilitated.

I needed to be placed on the surgical table to be explored.

Everyone knew the tissue was deeply scarred, not sure how deep, but definitely infected, and unless I was willing to be dissected, repaired, and rehabilitated, they could not help me.

I cried, I fought, I argued, I tried to reason.

All the signs kept appearing before me.

How could I not see them?

God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

He was opening doors for me.

Through divine intervention he found a way for me to continue on my journey and begin my next season.

A season of new beginnings, new lessons, new awakenings.

Progress?

Now that I look back and reflect, I have been making progress for quite a while.

Slowly, yes, but definitely positive progress. 

I survived!

A nightmare for ten months.

A nightmare that many times wanted me to give up on life, on my faith.

I am alive!

I chose to make certain choices so I could return to my family each time, safe and alive.

For that, I refuse to continue to be angry at myself for those choices.

I surrendered!

I realized that it was time to listen to others and I took the advice and faith to do something different.

What I was doing was no longer working for me.

I embraced an opportunity to continue my healing and recover work!

I wanted and yearned to be able to return home to my family a happier, healthier, and new Michelle who would no longer be afraid and full of fear.

A Michelle who had gained her confidence back, and truly believe it is okay to trust, especially those that have always proven themselves worthy of being trusted. 

I learned to have faith!

I allowed myself to be awakened spiritually.

By doing this, I am receiving blessings I never would have imagined.

I am learning to be still and hear His work through other's spoken words, through what I witness, through other's testimonies. 

I am understanding that the roadblocks that come upon my journey are simply part of His plan.

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I want to give up, but this spiritual awakening I have encountered has taught me that God is NOT asleep in my storm.  I need to rest and get rooted and grounded in the word of God.  I need to thank God for the storm.  My God will NOT forsake me!  God is NOT asleep in my storm! 

Progress?

Not quite sure what proof of progress you are looking for.

February 2014, my life changed in ways I never thought it would.

Through repeated attempts of reaching out and crying out for help, I was turned away, abandoned, and unsupported.

Some simply gave up on me because I became too much to handle, it all became too much for them to handle. 

And, that is okay...they were simply not meant to stay in my life and continue with me in my journey, onto my next season.

They will not be forgotten, forever in my heart for the time we did spend together. 

Maybe, just maybe, it was unintentional, but the people that should have been there to serve and protect, proved through their verbal and non-verbal actions, they definitely were not equipped to deal with all crimes, especially when guilt and threats are admitted in black and white!

I was unworthy, sorry-but-not-sorry, we can't help you...the man hours, you will have to wait until it happens again, and so on and so on...

I am opening up, slowly, but surely...I just do it differently....I write it out, I do my vision boards, I pray, I meditate, I listen to music, I crochet, I dance, I exercise. 

Are you ready for the verbal progress? 

Don't worry, I am ready...

Get ready, the roller-coaster is going all the way to the top because when it goes down, I am going to vomit it all out, cry it all out, and then we are going to do it over and over again! 

Progress?

Head held high, shoulders straight back, I am a true example of the definition of progress! 

On my continued journey, in this season, with preparation of entering my next season, I take heed.

My journey has led me to this beautiful Desert.

A Desert filled with love, support, healing, and spirituality.

Each step in this Desert, my thirst becomes greater.

When I came upon the Desert, my mind, body, and soul were dehydrated, deprived of the nutrients needed for survival.

At first I thought I was simply a seed that was lost and had found a resting place in the Desert, found through divine intervention.

When I felt that spiritual awakening within me, I had a pulsating sensation that radiated throughout my entire body.

I had been sowed by the Desert with love, hope, faith, and trust.

I became a Rose. 

A Rose whose petals are the therapists, the staff, the therapy groups, the women who continue to inspire me with their daily transformations and testimonies, and the support systems put in place to keep me positive, encouraged, and safe. 

A Rose whose root is my family and loved ones who continuously support me.

The root that is so grounded and secure, when I am ready to give up and the pain becomes unbearable, they remind me why I am in the Desert. 

Progress? 

Yes, progress.

And this is only a glimpse at how much progress I have made.

I am that Rose in the Desert that was lost, but was found. 

I am that seed that was awakened by this amazing bolt from the starts above and planted deep in the Desert to be sowed and became a Rose. 

A Rose to be a vessel with a purpose and use the journey traveled to inspire, motivate, and show through testimony that through all the Rose had endured; it was all part of the plan. 

For that I am grateful and proud to be the Rose in the Desert! 

Progress?

I think so!