The Rose In the Desert

Progress?

Do you not see what I see within myself?

Interesting, especially since the little bit I see has been difficult for me to acknowledge.

It has only been through others and what they have observed and shared with me that I know I have made progress.

Why can you not see what they see?

Why can you not see that I am trying?

Why can you not see all the effort I am putting forth?

Progress?

I only understand that my only job, my only focus can be working on progress in my trauma recovery.

For so long I have allowed my trauma to keep me a prisoner within my own mind.

A mind that had become poisoned by self-hate, self-pity, shame, and guilt.

I allowed for the anger that should have been aimed straight at the bull’s eye with his picture dead center to be aimed inward.

That person that suffered for so long had slowly been dying, withering away until she had become an empty shell.

A shell that would break with only a strong gusty wind rushing through the trees in the dense forest night.

Progress?

It had no longer become a choice.

With the taste of death at the tip of my tongue, the acid burned from the top of my throat, down the sides of my esophagus, to the pit of my stomach.

I had to make a choice.

I had to want to live more than others wanted me to.

I had to be willing to fight for my own life.

I had to believe I had a life worthy of living.

Progress?

I made the choice.

I made the choice to fight for freedom.

Freedom from the demons holding me hostage.

Hostage from experiencing happiness, inner-peace, serenity.

The tears had long ago dried up.

My body was a paradise island turned desert, thirsting for nutrients to being me back to life. 

In my journey to seek self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and understanding, I was guided on a path only set upon me by divine intervention.

If there was ever a time to be apprehensive, it was now.

Every turn I made, miracles were appearing before me.

In so much pain, my hand had to be forced to see what blessings were unfolding for me.

With deep open wounds still needing healing I needed to surrender and understand that the advice of professionals and those that loved me was the only way I would be able to survive.

My soul needed to be rehabilitated.

I needed to be placed on the surgical table to be explored.

Everyone knew the tissue was deeply scarred, not sure how deep, but definitely infected, and unless I was willing to be dissected, repaired, and rehabilitated, they could not help me.

I cried, I fought, I argued, I tried to reason.

All the signs kept appearing before me.

How could I not see them?

God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

He was opening doors for me.

Through divine intervention he found a way for me to continue on my journey and begin my next season.

A season of new beginnings, new lessons, new awakenings.

Progress?

Now that I look back and reflect, I have been making progress for quite a while.

Slowly, yes, but definitely positive progress. 

I survived!

A nightmare for ten months.

A nightmare that many times wanted me to give up on life, on my faith.

I am alive!

I chose to make certain choices so I could return to my family each time, safe and alive.

For that, I refuse to continue to be angry at myself for those choices.

I surrendered!

I realized that it was time to listen to others and I took the advice and faith to do something different.

What I was doing was no longer working for me.

I embraced an opportunity to continue my healing and recover work!

I wanted and yearned to be able to return home to my family a happier, healthier, and new Michelle who would no longer be afraid and full of fear.

A Michelle who had gained her confidence back, and truly believe it is okay to trust, especially those that have always proven themselves worthy of being trusted. 

I learned to have faith!

I allowed myself to be awakened spiritually.

By doing this, I am receiving blessings I never would have imagined.

I am learning to be still and hear His work through other's spoken words, through what I witness, through other's testimonies. 

I am understanding that the roadblocks that come upon my journey are simply part of His plan.

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I want to give up, but this spiritual awakening I have encountered has taught me that God is NOT asleep in my storm.  I need to rest and get rooted and grounded in the word of God.  I need to thank God for the storm.  My God will NOT forsake me!  God is NOT asleep in my storm! 

Progress?

Not quite sure what proof of progress you are looking for.

February 2014, my life changed in ways I never thought it would.

Through repeated attempts of reaching out and crying out for help, I was turned away, abandoned, and unsupported.

Some simply gave up on me because I became too much to handle, it all became too much for them to handle. 

And, that is okay...they were simply not meant to stay in my life and continue with me in my journey, onto my next season.

They will not be forgotten, forever in my heart for the time we did spend together. 

Maybe, just maybe, it was unintentional, but the people that should have been there to serve and protect, proved through their verbal and non-verbal actions, they definitely were not equipped to deal with all crimes, especially when guilt and threats are admitted in black and white!

I was unworthy, sorry-but-not-sorry, we can't help you...the man hours, you will have to wait until it happens again, and so on and so on...

I am opening up, slowly, but surely...I just do it differently....I write it out, I do my vision boards, I pray, I meditate, I listen to music, I crochet, I dance, I exercise. 

Are you ready for the verbal progress? 

Don't worry, I am ready...

Get ready, the roller-coaster is going all the way to the top because when it goes down, I am going to vomit it all out, cry it all out, and then we are going to do it over and over again! 

Progress?

Head held high, shoulders straight back, I am a true example of the definition of progress! 

On my continued journey, in this season, with preparation of entering my next season, I take heed.

My journey has led me to this beautiful Desert.

A Desert filled with love, support, healing, and spirituality.

Each step in this Desert, my thirst becomes greater.

When I came upon the Desert, my mind, body, and soul were dehydrated, deprived of the nutrients needed for survival.

At first I thought I was simply a seed that was lost and had found a resting place in the Desert, found through divine intervention.

When I felt that spiritual awakening within me, I had a pulsating sensation that radiated throughout my entire body.

I had been sowed by the Desert with love, hope, faith, and trust.

I became a Rose. 

A Rose whose petals are the therapists, the staff, the therapy groups, the women who continue to inspire me with their daily transformations and testimonies, and the support systems put in place to keep me positive, encouraged, and safe. 

A Rose whose root is my family and loved ones who continuously support me.

The root that is so grounded and secure, when I am ready to give up and the pain becomes unbearable, they remind me why I am in the Desert. 

Progress? 

Yes, progress.

And this is only a glimpse at how much progress I have made.

I am that Rose in the Desert that was lost, but was found. 

I am that seed that was awakened by this amazing bolt from the starts above and planted deep in the Desert to be sowed and became a Rose. 

A Rose to be a vessel with a purpose and use the journey traveled to inspire, motivate, and show through testimony that through all the Rose had endured; it was all part of the plan. 

For that I am grateful and proud to be the Rose in the Desert! 

Progress?

I think so!