When I first decided to start the process of forgiveness in my healing, I was more than a little bit excited. In my heart, I truly believed that I had finally reached this important milestone in my therapy where I would be ready to work through my sadness, anger, frustrations, and resentments. Now, quite a few days later, working through it has been harder than I thought it would be once I "thought I was ready!"
What I have figured out after having a wonderful weekend with my family is that my procrastination and inconsistent movement in this process since that excited feeling filled my every being has a lot to do with the fear of the feelings I will have to feel, reflect on, and process.
When I watched my family drive away to return home I realized that I had to let those fears go. I had been so homesick. I have been bitter with the fact that I have endured so much pain that I had to leave my home to get the needed help so I can be a better and healthier Michelle. FaceTime, text messages, and phone calls were not enough. I wanted, I needed to see them in front of me. I needed to feel them. I needed to be able to wrap my arms around them, give them kisses, and smell the familiar scents of each of them I had so missed.
With my family visiting, it was more clearer to me that while I have made lots of progress up to this point, the countdown is here. I want to go home. I need to go home. I have a life worthy of living and I have so many positive and meaningful things I want to pursue. In order to get to that next step, I have to go in deep.
I have to really get open, get deep, get raw. Yes, I already know this. I have been doing a lot of the necessary things to heal, however, there is more work to be done.
To get my mind occupied while awaiting to make sure they arrived home safely, I decided to start moving forward on my forgiveness process by completing my "God (Prayer) Box." I needed to move a muscle, change a thought.
For me, being aware that I needed to work on forgiveness, I had to remind myself that "awareness without action is meaningless."
I also had to remind myself that forgiveness is for me, not anyone else or to the person(s) I felt have wronged me. Until I am able to forgive, I will continue to be unhealthy and sick...and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!
My reasoning for having a "God (Prayer) Box" is so that I can put in writing those things I pray to God for, read them out loud and then place them in the box and have faith that my prayer(s) are being heard, and let it go.
I have to learn to put my prayers in God's hands because there are so many things that are out of my control. When the time is right, my prayers will be answered. Not my time, His time. More importantly I need to remember that my prayers will not always be answered the way I want them to be, but the way they are meant to be answered.
The path that I am traveling is one with a purpose, therefore if I am taken on a different path, I need to have faith and trust it is the road I was meant to take.
Around my "God (prayer) Box" are sets of (5)...we will call these "stones". These represent my immediate family unit (including myself). They are my rocks. When I was too tired to fight for myself, they were there, breathing air into me until I was ready to breathe on my own. In the front of the box are many "stones." These represent my entire support system...these are the soldiers in my platoon, my life that continue to help me fight this battle regardless of the struggles of doing so. In the center you will find the set of (5) again....the soldiers standing not just behind me, but my family unit.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”
-Philippians 4:6
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